Worlds Apart

Western women, yesterday
Western women, yesterday

For reasons too depressing to reveal, I was playing host to some visitors to Bangkok recently. A coach party of Issan nymphomaniacs, lost en route to a Bangkok support centre? Sadly not. A gang of Japanese businessmen, so eager to find a bar guide that they’d happily supply me with more beer and women than even I could possibly consume? Again, no.

It seems my karma must have taken a hit recently. They were western girls – friends of a friend, who were in Bangkok for a few days, and in need of a guide. The horror.

Culture Shock

“We want to see a ping-pong show”, one of them told me. I groaned. Mindful of an unpleasant recent Patpong show-bar experience, I thought I’d play it safe and take them to the Long Gun on Soi Cowboy. Oddly enough, ping-pong balls are actually one of the few imaginable projectiles that are not part of the Long Gun’s inventive and imaginative gynaecological demonstrations.

The fat farangettes seemed comfortable enough with the shows, but had their first major hissy fit at the sight of a middle-aged guy (I’d guess late forties or early fifties) smooching with a twenty-something Thai girl. “That’s disgusting”, they frothed.

“Why is it disgusting? I hope I’m still sleeping with twenty-something Thai girls when I’m fifty. Better than sleeping with fifty-something Western women, any day. Now that would be disgusting”.

They couldn’t tell me exactly why I was wrong, but were sure that I definitely was.

Two Fat Ladies, Eighty-eight

Another bar, another bombshell. “Why have the girls all got number badges on?”, she asked.

I laughed. “Um, so that customers can make an order”, I grinned.

“Oh, so you can call them over for a lap-dance then?”

“Er, no. We don’t really have lap-dancing in Bangkok. Not that I know of, anyway. There’s no point”.

“What do you mean?”

“Well, why would you pay for a lap-dance when you can have full sex for less than the cost of a single dance in the UK?”

“OH MY GOD, ARE THESE WOMEN ALL PROSTITUTES?! IS THIS A BROTHEL?!”

Natural Selection

“This is disgusting. I wouldn’t sleep with any of these disgusting guys for any money”, she said.

“Don’t worry, I’m sure none of them will ask you to sleep with them”, I just about managed to stop myself from replying.

Never again…

28 thoughts on “Worlds Apart

  1. Man, I hate it when I have to play host to western women in Bangkok. The stupid questions you have to deal with!

    I disagree about the numbers though. I probably would have told them that they were simply employee numbers, used for tracking drinks bought, barfines paid and so forth, and pointed out that even staff unavailable for barfining are given little numbers to wear (like male bartenders, old and ugly mamasans for example).

    In twenty years of Bangkok prowling, I have never once “ordered” a girl by number in a bar. The correct method is to smile at them and hope they come join you. Of course these days with the whole gogo scene having become so much more hardcore and crass, the order by number method seems to be much more effective and commonplace.

  2. Oh, sure – I’ve never ordered by number either. And you’re right in stating what the badge numbers are more commonly used for. But you *can* order by number, if you really want to, and I was deliberately irritating my guests by that point.

    Twenty years? Wow. I bet you have a tale or two!

  3. Thanks for the horn-inducing pic. This is exactly the kind of image sex-starved western men thirst for. Phwoar! White chocolate tummy-tyres! Skin like uncooked pizza! Deep-fried halitosis! Mouth-watering regional accents! And above all and everything else, that gust of *attitude* that blows off them like dry-roasted peanut fart – yep, the farangette is a culinary treat for the connoisseur of sex. Who needs an endless supply of slender, charming, and willing Thai girls (YEEEEUUUUUUCCCHHHHHHH!) when you can devote your entire working life to servicing a farangette with a fanny like a clown’s slipper who thinks you’re shit? Anybody? Hello? Hello?

  4. BBB, My deepest sympathies. Twice. Once for now since you are probably not over the feeling of being used by a Michelin Tire boy, and again for later, when these farangettes read your column. Surely they can find you here?

    I have not ordered by number yet, but down in the deep south, Sungai Golok, I once paid for, and got a hotel receipt for a show girl in the go go under the hotel I was staying at. Was seriously tempted to put it on the old expense report, since it was rather cryptic as to what the “service” actually was!!!

  5. @Pants: They were just to whet your appetite. Thai totty coming later in the week.

    @LongPlay: I doubt they’ll be returning to Bangkok anytime soon – not even to kick my head in enlighten me in the intricities of modern post-feminist thinking.

    PS. They have gogo bars in Sungai Golok? What’s the deal? I need an expense account…

  6. That gives me an idea… a gogo bar aimed at farang women. No, not what you’re thinking, I mean one where you can take farang women to have their wildest prejudices confirmed in a controlled environment. The dancers would be barely legal young things, and there’d be an “audience” of farang males from 55+, all with bald pates and exceptionally hairy nostrils. At the climax of the ping-pong show (the point where the balls start sticking to the ceiling) a team of crack religious fundamentalists and militant feminists will burst in, enticing the girls away from their life of vice with irresistable offers of work in a bead factory, while simultaneously persuading the farang males of the error of their ways. The farang males, liberated from their mysoginy (sp?) then descend upon the farang females in a viagra-fuelled frenzy.

  7. How the morbidly obese deal with the physical realities of personal hygiene;
    wiping their arses, for example?

    Do they hire help? Crews? Do they live in colonies such as the one above?

    Would there then be some kind of “duty list” for who wipes one day, who rubs salve another and for who does the maintenance of the bedroom fork-lift?

    Who pays for this?

  8. 3B – You’re sending Pants into an apoplectic fit. Please deliver the Thai ass antecdote!

    NotAnyBangkok…. — Funny idea. I love the way Western women get pissed off in places like Phuket, where no one will look twice at them, especially if they are cluelessly walking around topless. The bimbettes can’t even give it away; the hubbies/boyfriends are up in the room shagging the maid/maseusse/front desk clerk and the Thai Beach Boys focus exclusively on banging Japanese girls. Someone as beautiful as Petra Nemkova wouldn’t catch a second look from a Thai Beach Boy in Karon or Patong, unless they were paying for the attention. Thailand, the Great Equalizer!! The farangettes can feel their advantage slipping from them and often mask this loss off power with righteous indignation. Please ladies, go home and convince your fat friends not to come here.

    I remember walking on the beach road in Patong with a pair of cute Japanese 22 year-olds, one on each arm. We walked smack into a freshly arrived Western couple — you know, the kind who have clearly never been in country before, who took .5 seconds to size up me and my horizontal recreation companions. The woman stared daggars of disgust at me, while the guy shifted from mild shock to a look that said “You lucky son-of-a-bitch.” No doubt he spent a good deal of time that week figuring how he could ‘get some’ when the wife wasn’t around.

    Guys, have you had the same excperience as me, that the coolest Western chicks in LOS are bi, and they like the Issan coochie as much as we do?

  9. Your last 3 entries you have not shagged anything….

    The last time being Friday 15th over 10 days ago. Are not these susposed to be “lazy sex boy advertuers”?? It seems that we are getting too much lazy and not enought sex. If I wanted to read about fat white birds i would read English tabloid newspapers.

    Go fuck something interesting and write about it !!

  10. @meister: There was not.

    @Prufrock: I know not, but I do know they weren’t showering very often. Ugh.

    @soi4rulz: Top story. I really do need to add some Japanese chicks to the hit list.

    @MSB: Give me a break, if I wrote about every single shag I wouldn’t have time for a website. Morer laterer.

  11. Okay. I’m throwing down the gauntlet (or I would be, if I wasn’t all out of gauntlets – I was more a gaunt man myself, anyway) to 3B. While his ability to make an endless succession of Thai girls squeak like whoopee cushions has never been contested, his legendary love packet has never yet been delivered to a Japanese destination. So what about it, 3B? Afraid your special delivery will be lost in transit? Concerned that your consignment of Anglo Saxon sausage will be returned to sender?
    Of course, it means dramatically revising your proven strategy (“I’ll have that one”) and also – horrors – venturing away from your familiar haunts. Maybe you have a veruka. Maybe you have a note from your mum excusing you from sinking your eight-ball in anything but a Thai corner pocket. Maybe you don’t “fancy” Sushi (yeah, right). And maybe, just maybe, your posse will think you’re wimping out of your own personal Labours of Hercules.
    You were complaining (rather winningly) of having it too easy recently (before the Big Sex Drought hit), and I’m sure we out here in – gazes around self blankly – will appreciate a blow-by-blow account of your abject failure to grill a blowfish brochette on your skin skewer anytime soon …

  12. @Pants: Damn, you’re good. You should write a book or something.

    I was offered a Japanese chick a while ago actually. I thought I wrote about it, but it seems I didn’t. The girl who cleans my toilet told me she had a Japanese friend who was looking for love, and offered to make an introduction. I plodded all the way down to Soi 22, of all places, but she didn’t turn up. Bloody foreigners.

  13. I find it ironic that Miss Universe 2005, Natalie Glebova in a kind of reversal of fortune is now playing lob-ball with Thai tennis champion, Paradorn Srichaphan.
    The Russian-born Canadian Natalie is not your stereotypical ugly, lard-arse western woman but don’t let that stop the mockery. After all, everybody knows that Thailand is the only country in the world with beautiful women. 😉

  14. @Wombat: I’m afraid I’m too busy getting laid to properly write about it.

    @kwai mai sabai: There are beautiful women all over the world. I don’t hate western women, and some of them are gorgeous. But I don’t have a seven-figure income or a sports car, so I’m not allowed to talk to them.

    The three main differences are that the average Thai girl isn’t clinically obese, is hygienic to the point of obsession, and is usually entirely approachable. I can wander up to a cute (and thin) 19 year old girl in Bangkok, flirt, and ask for her phone number. Maybe she’ll say yes, maybe she’ll say no. Either way, she’ll smile and appreciate the attention. In the West, I’d get a kick in the nuts or a restraining order (or both).

  15. @BBB Says: The three main differences are that the average Thai girl isn’t clinically obese, is hygienic to the point of obsession, and is usually entirely approachable.

    I agree with you on point number three – to some extent. But the first 2 points are unfair because the average western woman isn’t clinically obese or obsessively unhygienic. I don’t know what part of England you come from but this stereotype just doesn’t exist in every western country. Why do Dean Barrett and others find it necessary to libel and slander every western woman to emphasize their opinion that Thai women are the most beautiful women in the world?

    I think that Thai women are some of the most beautiful women in the world (along with Japanese, South Korean, Italian, Cuban, etc.) but I don’t have to knock down all western women to rationalize it.

  16. @kwai: Okay, a slight exaggeration. Artistic license 😉

    Let’s look at the WHO stats on chubbiness:

    Thailand: 28.6% of females “overweight”.

    England: 56.7% of females “overweight”.

    (“overweight” is defined as BMI >= 25 kg/m2)

    Thais shower religiously several times a day. The farangettes showered once a day, if they were feeling adventurous. No more. Small sample size, granted.

    Of course, you can prove anything with statistics…

  17. A recent exit poll conducted by Tourist Women Against Thailand outside the NEP revealed the following:

    Percentage of farangettes who approve of men over fifty paying for sex with Thai girls under twenty: 0
    Percentage of farangettes who approve of men over fifty paying for sex with Thai girls: 0
    Percentage of farangettes who approve of men over fifty paying for sex: 0
    Percentage of farangettes who approve of men over fifty: 0
    Percentage of farangettes who approve of men: 0

  18. I love that acronym TWAT (Tourist Women Against Thailand). Reminds me of Bernard Trink’s acronym TIT (This is Thailand). It could also stand for Tourist in Thailand.

  19. Western woman: Do you think this bikini makes me look fat?
    Thai woman: mai chai kha. The michelin tire around your midriff makes you look fat.

  20. If any of you naughty boys ever need to have a verruca (or ten) removed, just come and make an appointment to see me at the Dermatology clinic at Bumrungrad. I use carbon dioxide laser treatment and results are guaranteed. And my assistant is cute too.

  21. MSB . . . . . du calme, s’il vous plait. . . . . 😉

    It’s only a guess but I suspect BBB’s just into one of those nifty metamorphosings which tend to beset long term lazy sex boy adventurers 😉

    Are these delicate transitionals not best left undisturbed or undisrupted.

    Do you have a tale to tell ;-?
    Vignette?
    An anecdote?
    Nostrum, perhaps?
    Some personal wisdom gleaned from toiling in the fields Bangkok’s demimonde?

    OK then, a funny BG story of yer own ;-?

  22. @Dr Nussra – I’d like to make an appointment with your assistant. I’m hoping in the interim I can pick up some verukas (I’m typing this from the footbath of the local swimming pool/tramp’s pissoir) but I would hope the absence of any such infection would not prevent her from giving me a very thorough physical examination.

    Your expectantly –

    P. Elk

  23. ‘For any money’? I don’t believe it. Everyone has their price. I would certainly take it up the arse from a sweating, heaving, aging Deutscher if it enabled me to have the lifestyle of (say) Roman Abrahamovic.

    I wonder if your wobbling ladyfriends understand the maths involved for these TGs.

  24. dude… next time i am in town happy to be shown around and i promise not to pass judgement 🙂

    might buy you a drink but not as a cum on

    only been bkk couple nights in my life but suspect it might be my spiritual home!

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