I can’t say that Pattaya ranks high on my list of places to spend time here in Thailand. Normally when one of my mates suggests getting out of the ‘Kok for a weekend in Pattaya the resulting look on my face is enough of an indicator that I’m not bothered again. Maybe it was the booze that we had already consumed that loosened my inhibitions (earlier in the day I had been helping a buddy re-arrange his shophouse office and we had installed a shot dispenser on the wall above the main desk and promptly inserted a bottle of vodka…seemed like a great idea at the time). Maybe it was because it was Mother’s Day Eve and we could feel the energy of hordes of whores building on the distant horizon. Or maybe it was because we were half-way there already, and suffering a 30 minute jaunt down the motorway didn’t seem enough of a reason not to go. Whatever the case, ingredients were mixed in the pot and a foul brew was stewing. We clambered into my buddy’s ride and shot off at a speed that not only made me fear for my life but also caused every other motorist to veer to the shoulder, thus making it even easier to reach our destination.
“Yo Ford, don’t forget where we parked!” I barked drunkenly.
“Just worry about yourself.” No truer words were ever spoken.
First stop was the bar downstairs from Insomnia. It was already close to 2 AM and the place was almost standing room only. Me and my buddies, Ford and Simon Templar, started getting into it without pause. The music was half-way decent house and we got to dancing next to a table of girls immediately. Now it’s kind of a rule for me: if I’m not in a good mood or I’m lacking energy, just stay home. Most of the male inhabitants of the bar had obviously never considered this as the mood was downright nasty. To complicate matters further, once we started dancing, all the unattended, under appreciated and otherwise unengaged birds in the bar were taking notice of us. Now normally I have no issues with drawing the ire of a cro-magnon sex-tourist just because I’m what his girl wants and he knows it, but this time it was bar wide. At least a dozen surly Russians, football jersey wearing Poms, what have you, were starting to throw dagger like looks our way. We just wanted to have a good time. So we bailed.
We climbed the stairs and passed underneath the archway door (at least it appeared arch-like at the time) into Insomnia. Even as early as it was, the place was heaving with top quality trim. A round of drinks was ordered and we followed Ford into the middle of the mayhem, setting up shop next to one of the raised dancing daises. Simon was the first to lock in a target. Having sighted an extremely well proportioned lass with a full-back dragon tattoo through the legs of one of the more lithe dancers on the stage, he moved in for the kill. Ford was off on his own in the middle of the dance floor, so I moved over to Simon’s side to get a better view of the floor and offer my wing services if needed.
Simon’s pick was hot. Sultry hot. So naturally, when Simon went of to the toilet I decided it was best if I covered his bases. No ulterior motives for me. Neh-eh. Dragon Back, however, was quick to offer her services as wing bitch, which threw me for a loop. As the night progressed and my dancing got better and better, she helped me to sift and winnow the wheat from the chaff. Sometime later, I locked eyes with a crackin’ little piece of strange a few bodies away and invited her over. Dragon Back was quick to give me the nod of approval telling me that she didn’t know the girl personally but had seen her many times before.
Toy was 20 years old with what almost appeared to be a 6 pack abdomen to compliment her rock hard apple bottom. Smokin’ hot. At my suggestion Toy got up onto the stage and started working the crowd. Not bad, I thought to myself as I watched Toy’s figure undulate to the house beats. Maybe Pattaya deserves a second chance I concluded. With Dragon Back’s imprimatur already in hand regarding my selection, I quickly moved to close the deal. Payment terms were discussed and approved. Finishing our drinks we moved to the door and down the stairs.
Due to the last minute nature of our decision to head to Pattaya, lodging had not previously been secured. No worries. Hoping into the back of a songtaew, I remembered from the blog that ssB had recommended Ma Maison on Beach Road Soi 13. Off we went. This is where things started to unravel. After being told by the receptionist that Ma Maison was booked full, we retraced a few of our steps and found a room just up the soi. 800 baht didn’t seem unreasonable cause I knew I was going to have to hit up Toy for more than just a single round. I was thinking I could get in 3 or 4 nuts, plus a few hours of sleep in-between, before check out time.
By the time we got to the room my hands were wandering all over her body and it just so happened that she ended up standing tall above me while I bent down to undo and take off her short shorts. Now keep in my that at this point it was about 4:30 or 5 in the morning and I had been drinking since the previous mid-afternoon. So when I got her g-string off and came face to face with her bald taco, I couldn’t help from taking a lick. Now normally it’s not my modus operandi to go down on a growler, but the temptation was too much. She quickly lost the ability to keep her knees locked and fell backwards over the bed like a fallen angel. Looking at her tight, and I mean tight, body draped over the bed, I moved in for another tasty taste. Hells yeah, maybe Pattaya ain’t so bad after all!
I was so intent on letting her enjoy a little time in heaven that it was at least 5 minutes or so before my Jedi-like intuition was able to break through the fog of alcohol. Deliberately probing a little deeper with my tongue, I snapped back to reality as I became aware something was amiss. That is the strangest feeling vagina I’ve ever licked I thought to myself.
‘What is that’ I queried?
‘What is what’ she answered?
Throwing caution to the wind I stuck my fingers in and latched on to what felt like a petrified piece of pussy. I clamped down with thumb and forefinger and unceremoniously pulled out a used jimmy cap. Then, to make matters worse, with the dam removed, a slightly frothy but easily distinguishable blob of semen poured forth from between her lips.
‘Oh! That’s where it is!’ she squealed. ‘I thought it broke’ she said with obvious relief. What the fuck?
What did I do you might wonder? Did I kick her out? No. I called down and demanded that a toothbrush and tube of toothpaste be brought up posthaste. Still reeling with shock and disorientation I did my best to think the situation through. I brushed, rinsed, brushed again and then gargled some complimentary Listerine for added benefit.
As you might imagine she was beside herself with embarrassment. Well, actually, maybe not. I don’t really remember. I inquired as to how long ago her last romp in the hay was.
‘Yesterday’ she answered demurely. Yeah, right.
Now, not being a female I can’t claim to know how those things work, but the one time I’ve been to the doctor and suffered the ignominy of a rectal exam, I can answer with complete certainty that I’d know without a shadow of a doubt if something even as flexible as a used rubber, AKA petrified piece of pussy, was in residence in a body cavity for a whole 24 hour period.
I guzzled a can of beer out of the fridge while I weighed my options. What the hell. She was that hot. Trust me.
I am fully confident that most readers will probably have taken up Toy’s offer to hit the road and try and salvage what was left of the night. Well I am not most.
‘Take a shower. Now. No. Take two.’
Laying back on the bed, I had her give me a smoothie for a spell while I performed the yoga breathing exercises I employ when trying to center myself prior to deep meditation. Gradually the little soldier heeded the call to duty. Strapping on a prophylactic (new, not used) I prepared to bring the thunder. It almost worked. I got maybe half a dozen strokes in before I capitulated to the absurdity of the situation. I have to give myself credit for trying. Never leave a job half-done my father taught me. Well this job wasn’t going to get done.
I extricated myself from her embrace and headed for the shower. Returning to the room I was somewhat perplexed by her apparent change in demeanor.
‘You give me money now and I go’
This is where I did a double take. Now maybe I was out of line, but at that point there was only nominal support in my mind for offering her anything other than taxi money. This I tried. A long story short, she wasn’t having it. The culmination of the situation was her on the phone with the front desk jabbering away in Thai that she needed the security to visit the room because she was having trouble. She had earlier become Thai angry. You know, the kind when you can almost visibly see the fuse short, the smile become a bit downturned, and the voice hard.
‘You not know Thai people. You do bad thing to me. You make me angry. If you not give me money I make problem for you. You farang.’
Having read enough grisly and macabre stories detailing the downfall of foreigners who happen to stray too far across the line with Pattaya’s hardened battle-axe’s, I quickly switched into negotiation mode. It wasn’t so much the 500 baht that I diffused the situation with, but the fact that there was no way in hell I was going to stay in that room, knowing that, after further consideration, she might decide to try and rip a fat hog in the ass. I checked the hell out of the hotel 5 minutes after she left.
Now at this juncture I had two options. Previously having been alerted to Ford’s departure and subsequent return to HQ, I could find a taxi and retrace my steps as well. But hell, it was only 6 AM or so and I had a fairly good idea that there would still be plenty of talent at Insomnia. I opted for returning to the hunt.