YP in Jakarta – Day 2

Arose at midday, feeling like shit on a stick. Hot sweats, Columbian flu, and liver aches. Polished off 6 paracetemol with 2 litres of water, then soaked in the shower for 30minutes, which did nothing to rescue me from my world of grief

When your this hungover, and in this much pain, the only sensible solution, is to keep on drinking. Keep drinking until the pain subsides, or your liver bursts into flames.

Skulked down to Loewys, looking and smelling like I had just come back from last night. Funny that. I looked so bad (even by my standards) I was putting the decent folk off their breakfasts. Fuck them.

Made light work of 2 pints on Heineken, before I could consider solids. BB joined me and looking as shit as I felt.

I ordered Beef Goulash, which looked like baby diorreah, and Barry ordered an omelette look like someone had already eaten it for him. He said it tasted the same aswell. Minus points for the food

After an uninspiring breakfast, BB exclaimed “Its time to get a squirt in – I know a place”

I cant be arsed to go into the saga we went through, dealing with fuck-faced motosai guys and taxi drivers, who didnt know Jakarta from a guy called Jack Carter, but we got there eventually……….

Marlboro Massage & Spa. We checked in at the front, and collected one of those curly cord things you put on your wrist, with a locker key and number on them that you used to get at the swimming baths as a kid.Jumped in the lift upstairs and your presented with 2 rooms. 1 with all Indonesian girls, and the other with all the international talent.

The Indonesian room was grim, with a capital grim. Lung cancer central. You literally have to squint to see through the thick smoke, as these sisters are puffing away like theirs no tomorrow. I thought the smoke had impaired my vision, as all I could see, were short, dumpy hags that I wouldn’t bang for free. On closer inspection, it was no illusion. No score for them.

Minced into the International bit, which was much more my speed. Quick run down of the United Nations in attendance…..

Russian – Some absolute stunners in the house. I mean seriously hot. Not like the Rajah Hotel skanks. There was one whore in particular (I named her Svetlana) who pressed all my buttons. 6 foot. Blonde. Tits like rugby balls. Killer face. Arse like a boyscout. Its s shame that her, and all of her Soviet comrades, looked like they had just been orphaned. Unbelievably miserable cunts.

As po-faced as she was, I was seriously tempted to have a swing at her based on her slutty hotness, although I just knew it’d be a drab affair. Im talking a hurried nosh , no kissing and some mechanical moaning and groaning. There was zero chance of me or Svetlana getting our arseholes eaten, so I let her slide. Lucky her or lucky me? I cant decide.

Vietnamese. Maybe its something in the water out there, but fucking hell these girls have big tits. They all looked pretty keen for a shot at the champ, but then again, cant say I blame them. 1 of the things that put me off, was that they were all eating at the time. Shrimp curry breath is such a boner killer. I know what Asian girls are like about people getting between them and their food, so having a camp ‘buleh’ (Indo for foreigner) , pulling them away from their kung-pao chicken, to rim them and drip my forehead sweat in their eyes for 90 minutes, was prob not a good idea

Chinese – BB actually picked a super hot Chinese chick, with with D cups that laughed in the face of gravity. The rest of the harlots, were a very plain bunch, who from what Ive heard, are all about business. No score

Spanish/South American – The lovely Vanessa from Barcelona was my victim. 5,9″, huge busters and a killer smile. Once we got upstairs, I realised she didnt speak a lick of English. Lucky for her, Im fluent in the international language of love. Also known as whore screwing.

We skipped the shower, and got straight down business. After 20 minutes of getting my balls and arse eaten like she hadn’t had a square meal in months, I proceeded to chuck a lump up her. Twice in fact. Score. Score. Vanessa was keen for a third, but at 25 years old, I cant keep the pace I once did. Bad times. She did, teach me some Spanish. Essential day-to-day stuff. Tits, minge, dick, asshole and such. Like I said, essential stuff

I tipped Vanessa 100,000 IDR, which could be 20baht or 2,000 baht. No idea. She seemed happy. Maybe shes a convincing liar? Headed down to meet BB, and headed out in search of booze and sustinance

Eastern Promise in Kemang – This is where things started to get messy. Eastern Promise is an old skool English style ‘pub’, which serves some pretty swag Indian food. Ordered up a feast of Tikka and other garlic infused treats, and started pounding the Bintang. And the Tequilas. Then more Bintang. Then a few more tequilas. BB proved what a fucking lightweight he is, by running outside to blow chunks everywhere. By that, I mean being sick. Not blowing some fat guy called chunks

There was some Australian guy in there, who was being a real dick. I would of chinned him, if he wasnt twice my size. To his credit, he picked up our tab for all the food and booze (as he admitted he was being a cock) which BB said was around 5000 baht. The guy was still a cunt. If I was 6 inches taller **shakes fist camply**………..

Blok M – Very traumatic. This place could only be politely described as a fucking shithole. Like Soi Cowboy in Bagdhad. Wipe your feet on the way out kinda thing. Went into some place called Dee’s Bar/Dee’s Place, which is a favourite of BB’s, as it has a place out the back where you can get sucked off for a pittance. Of all of the grim looking skanks on offer, there was once older looking piece, who didnt make my stomach churn. We called her over and bought her a San Miguel. For some reason, the room where you get serviced was shut, so BB kindly lined her pocket with 400,000 IDR (which is about 13 baht I think) for her to accommodate my johnson in the lavatory. In the dim lighting of the bar, she didn’t look too horrific, although under the spotlight of the bathroom, she didn’t fare too well. Teeth that looked like someone had wiped their arse on them, and bad potmarked skin. What was worse, is that when she got on her knees to gobble me off, I could see her fucking scalp. Was like getting a shiner from Homer Simpson.

By this time, I was drunk and had the raging horn, so I flipped her over and lifted her cheap denim skirt up. How the fuck does a girl get cigarette burns all over her arse? Im ashamed to say I was wearing last nights jeans, so broke upon my Red Square condom, put it on, and set about slipping her a length. After about a minute of watching her visibly shaking (from smack withdrawals most likely) and having to stare at her thinning wig, I pretended to cum, raced out to meet BB, paid up and left. Im sure she was a raging smackhead. Whats sad……. is that she wasnt as bad as the next 2 girls………………

To be continued…………..

36 thoughts on “YP in Jakarta – Day 2

  1. So far its only the sound of the indian grub thats tempting me to go.

    Some great writing as always though YP…bring on pt 3.

  2. disregarding the earlier notion that i dont believe your fables, your memory of the detail in these blogs is quite applaudable YP : )
    my blog for this weekend would be “ate a bitta food, drank, banged soi 7 pavement hostess, drank, acted like a cunt, macked a blatant ladyboy, ALAC, drank, wore a CC DeVille wig banging a chinese chick, ALAC, tried to find a deaf whore on soi 15 but failed (see ALAC), barebacked an ex ‘girlfriend’, ran away, went home to Bangkok, ate a bitta food.” in other words, ill stick to the comments pages me thinks…. good work YP

  3. That fat fucker Chunks needs to stop hanging around outside bars looking for a blow job…makes me sick.

  4. These are like the exact opposite of the 1970’s Emmanuelle tales, BTW, I just tried to upload your picture to the Wikipedia page for the word “camp”, next to Bette Midler’s. Let’s see if it takes.

  5. Fuck me, I hope you cunts ended up going somewhere decent before you went back to Bangers.

    I respect your intensity but man… this tale is about as dire as the time me and Imprint ended up banging out a pair of over the hill mingers in a car port in some side soi at three in the morning last year. Funny in retrospect, but not one for the books. Don’t trust Nigel when he gives you free shots.

  6. careful, before you know it you will develop a fetish for the skanky ones. A sense of depravity that creates a thrill, previously burned off by too many nice clean hookers. If you start craving o.a.p.s, it’s probably time to join some community out-reach programme, or the church or something…..

  7. @doctorbond – Lol
    @pmmp – LOL!

    Mr Penfold, I do quite enjoy these vignettes of juvenile delinquency. Are you employed, sir?

  8. What is weird is I am in Jakarta every month but I feel like I am in a different city than the one YP went to. Yes – on average the thais are hotter but the bodies are nice in Indo. Tits and ass. Latinas of SEA.

    Malioboro rocks. For those of us in jakarta it is a sat morning tradition. Hit the gym, shag and then the spa. Cheaper than the gym membership. Had 2 white skin indo hotties. Service.

    Blok m is dodgy but can be fun. think saphan kwai.

    The reality is YP is known for getting cunted – early and often. Which makes him funny but not a good gauge of nightlife in jakarta which rocks, goes later than bkk, full of well, things and lots of rich party girls who want to have one night stand trophies.

    respect…

    but hey. don’t come. jakarta sucks!

  9. I too make the trip to Jakarta often, and will be there next week in fact.

    Sadly, I doubt that I could replicate five minutes of YP’s debauched trail.

    Jakarta is a happening town, though, and the Indonesian women have some rocking bodies!

  10. WTFM – Depends what you want from nightlife. Agreed that the music, layout and access to narcotics beat BKK hands down, but then there just aren’t that many hot girls there. Dragonfly and Stadium had some real lookers, but its nowhere near as cunt-heavy as Funky Villa, Demo, Route 66, flix etc etc

    Marlboro was sick. So much international snatch on offer. Its a shame BKK doesnt have a similar set-up

    Rope-a-Dope – That Chunks guy, is a chubby Queen if ever there was one. Someone ought to give the fucker a shoeing

    Hunch – Im pretty unemployable Id say. I do some freelance personal training and I run my Jakarta guys DIA/Tagged. If I dont find any gainful employment soon, I might turn tricks, and start flogging my mutton on Craigslist

  11. You know the situation (location, talent involved, state of mind) is bad when you faux-blow.

    Now..being the man about time I am…I’ve done this many a time…and always look back on it and think…WTF was I thinking?

  12. humantsunami – I think the Marlboro was the key — great talent, just not from the Indo girls. I saw him the day after his return and he was like a walkin’ talkin’ advertisement for the place.

  13. Human Tsunami – I banged an 18 year old Japanese student, and got 2 rounds in at Marlboro with a latin chick with big busters. Not such a gigantic failure

  14. Amen to Chunks and his brutal and unsightly shoeing.

    Workwise, you need to step up on the personal training front. When I was in bangers/patts there were loads of porky farang punters wandering around drunk, looking for a work out. Seems to me you have an unlimited customer base.

    Maybe you should concentrate on thai chicks? Not only do they pick up a bit of english, they get fit enough to sell their arses to you.

    Or how about a corporate perspective…15 min lunch time power workouts for the office fraternity?..imagine all the hotties!

    Get busy.

  15. Great idea from rope a dope , in OZ personal trainers are makeing good money from big business from lunch time training for staff , keeps them off the piss and alert . Also your good self

  16. Rope-a-Dope – Totally agreed, although the work permit, and advertising your services as a PT here is a bit of a cunt. Almost as much as a cunt, as that sperm thirsty Chunks character.

    Im thinking of tapping into the Japanese housewife market. Smacking the backs of bored housewives while hubby is at the office, or down the pub. To be honest, my dick isn’t all that big, so its not as if the husbands would notice any wear n tear on wifeys snatch. Sound like a plan?

  17. What is it with drunken Aussie cunts who think they can get away with being total pricks just because they buy a drink or two? How about I pay your tab if you stop barking Aussie Aussie Aussie oy oy oy and calling me maaaaaaate and piss the fuck off back to Australia?

  18. Biggysmall – What was even weirder, is that she said she had already ‘worked’ in Buenos Aires, Rio, Johannesburg, Singapore, Hong Kong and now Jakarta. All by the age of 18. Sister gotta eat right?

    As I was lovingly scrubbing WTFMs back in the bath the other day, he told me that recently JKT and other cities have been flooded with multi-national fluff, as the girls work from city to city, heading down for the World Cup in Africa

  19. You guys not shooting the right target. There are places with awesome ladies and you don’t even have to pay if you have a ‘bule’ face.

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