Each year, I feel like getting away from it all and treat myself to a little holiday…
I’ve tried to persuade the girlfriend that there are many nice hotels in soi 4, but she insisted we go further afield.
After putting up a good fight, some tears, name calling, dirty dishes left in the sink, laundry thrown everywhere, she told me to grow up and stop being a big baby. Being called a bigbaby is possibly the worst insult ever.
This was all for show really, as there is a place in Phuket that I like, and have been a few times now. I just didn’t want to seem too keen.
‘Might-get-you-there Air’ was cheaper than soi 5 night crawler so there was plenty of money in the holiday budget for a nice hotel. The Melisa Villa Resort was my retreat of choice. It’s in Kata a stones throw (if you’re an Olympian) to the sea.
We were met at the airport by a smartly dressed dude who took us to a big Camry (is that the best they could do?). We drove for what seemed like a million miles before pulling up at the rather swish looking reception. There, sat 3 girls on a long table, on chairs with really high ‘backs’. I don’t know what the theme was, but it looked very….. James Bond baddie type.
There was none of that form filling in… I just handed my passport over, the took a scan of it and then I signed my name. I told them to take my gf’s signature also – as no doubt she’d be hungry in 12 minutes and would be hitting the room service. A little golf buggy driven by a man in a white coat (Doctor?)pulled up and took us to the little villa type room thingy. I am not sure what you’d call it. The lounge area and kitchen was undercover but the pool next to it was open air. Pretty swish. All at a bargain for around 8 or 9k per night.
Inside, the bedroom had a big widescreen plasma with Mini Mac installed. Sweeeet! I fired it up to check out my e-mail and told her to ‘do one’The room service was pretty funky. It was a fully functioning kitchen, but I don’t know what kind of maniac cooks food when they’re on their hols? Anyway, the room service came and instead of just leaving a tray with a what looks like a hub cap from a volkswagen beetle over the plate and then standing around waiting for a tip, he set up the dining table, placed the cutlery and condiments… proper service. I was impressed. The gf signed some electronic tablet and he refused a tip and fucked off in his golf buggy. She stuffed her face while I had a rest.
The evening came around and I wanted some action. We jumped on the 300bht per day Yamaha R1 (Honda Airblade) and headed to Patong Beach. And I am glad I did. Only so that I can now add it to a long list of places to avoid. What a shit hole. Bangla road is worse than Pattaya. I had arranged to meet up with some pals of mine. Heavy hitters. Ex-Forces. They’re covered in tatts and don’t look like they can’t fight. I met them at the Kangaroo bar as it’s a favorite of theirs and they know the gaffer. While at the bar, one of the chaps.. lets call him ‘EF1’ tells us he’s heading back to his hotel, just around the corner to throw on some Brut 33 and head back out. EF2, my bird and me sat at the bar and got drinking. The bar was packed as usual, the staff pretty good. Not quite Bangkok standard, but hey… I was on holiday. EF2 gets a call… his face dropped and said.. ‘I’ll be there in 2 minutes’. And with that, he said not to go anywhere and he’ll be back in a Terminator style voice. What was going on? More drinks me finks.
With our drinking pals gone.. not much happening in the street and not wanting to talk to each other, our attention turned to the TV screens. In fact, most people in the bar were glued to the TV’s. The bar was showing one of the Jack Ass DVD’s. Everyone was watching.. laughing, cringing and gasping. Ah… me thinks… not a bad idea that!! I’ll pick some of those DVD’s up for the Mango!
Ten mins later EF1 & 2 arrive back. They looked like they’d been working out. I asked them what went on. Turns out, when EF1 went back for his Brut, he found a member of staff in his safe! (not actually in it, like some sick midget porn). He called up EF2 to come back and check the contents of all his crap to make sure nothing was gone. I can’t remember what excuse the worker gave for trawling through their shit, but I can say is this… he won’t ever be doing that again 😉
A few more drinks flowed…. cola for me as I was on the bike. We said our goodbyes and off we set into the night – and back to the James Bond pad. A little naked swimming and some room service ended the night.
Bored with Bangla road.. and not wanting to ride everywhere, the next day we decided to hit the local bars. There is a strip of bars on a nearby road. the plan was to do them all. Only about 8. The 1st bar we went to, we rang the bell and bought the half dozen trogs a tequila. They were not too friendly and didn’t say more than 2 words to us. Next bar. We went in, they all went outside and stuffed their faces! Next bar. We went in and bought a drink. The girl behind the bar asked us what music we liked and changed it to a bit of Snoop – instead of the Thai screaming that was assaulting my eardrums. We bought her a drink and had a game of pool. I’d have thought that the other girls would have come inside and tried to be friendly. Yes, I was with a girl, but she was the one talking to the other girls and trying to buy them drinks. Odd. As we were the only customers on the strip, I thought they’d be more attentive. With us not slowing down to talk with the others or play pool with them, we soon got drunk on our own and skipped merrily back to the pad for naked swimming and room service!
The next few days were just spent lounging around… bit of beach walking and stuffing our faces. It’s odd how waking up in the morning makes you really tired at night time. I didn’t much care for that.
After 5 days or so.. I was burned to a crisp. I had red arms where I had been riding the scooter with a t-shirt on. I looked like a typical tourist. giving my gf ‘power of attorney’ with the room service is retrospect was probably not a good idea. The food there is expensive. Even if it is pretty damn good, my tgf would have been happy with sticky rice and some horrid smelly fish.
Time to head home. The only reason I like Phuket is not because of Phuket itself, but because of the Melisa Suites. I like the privacy, the cleanliness, the little pool, the service… all in all.. it’s great. It’s somewhere I can just sit back and relax and the only noise I can hear in the little water feature they have by the pool – a little waterfall type thing. Great.
Now if they had that in soi 4……