Remember when you younger than 35? When your pals ordered a round of shots and you got all excited? “fuck yeah… shots”!! Sadly, after you go past 35 and someone orders some shots, your attitude changes. You start saying things like.. “who done that”? And, “oh no, this is going to be messy”.
Shots were my alternative to having a beer or a vodka each time we visited one of the 32 bars in the soi cowboy crawl. Having passed 35 yrs… this was going to be messy.
Roll back a few weeks. PRP and I decided to embark on a Soi Cowboybar crawl. We’ve never done it and we’ve never heard of anyone doing it. Even Walter, who has been in Bangkok for 137 years had not heard of anyone doing it. Is it possible? Of course it fucking is.
Once it was ‘out there’ and people had expressed interest in attending, the hard part was trying to organize it. I didn’t want to put myself on the podium and say I was the leader or anything like that – as the way I saw it, it was a group event. However, if a leader was not needed, it did need someone to be in front.
Starting point was The old Dutch at 18:30. I was getting worried that the even maybe a washout, so stopped by the Mango 1st of all to see if there was anyone there that was up for it. Laitchdog, WG +1, Mike and Bubba were there waiting. Sweet. At the very least – there would be 6 of us!
The Players –
PRP – The man that brought me to Bangkok 7 years ago Thanks.
Whisperingoldman – This guy is on 1st name terms with every bar owner, mamas an and girl that we know
nurseRon – What can I say… it’s always good to have a medical person with you.
Spats – Made it to the start… not sure where he went to?
Pete – Found us eventually…. Nice guy. Too nice in fact. Has he ever been drunk or bad tempered? It’s hard to trust someone who doesn’t make a twat of himself!
Zufo – Man of not many words – professional drinker none the less. I imagine him to pull legs off puppies.
Mike – The guy was always one step ahead of us – literally.
Companyman – My hero. Always has his hands in some girls pants. Our goal was to bar crawl. His mission was to part girls with their panties.
Lachiedog – Quiet. Was worried that he wasn’t having a good time. Then tried to talk to him but we were both too drunk. Which must be a good thing?
Bubba – More like a Terminator. Doesn’t get drunk, slur, stumble, hair never out of place. The guy is a machine.
DocBond – Nothing I can tell you about him you don’t already know!
Paul – Long term expat… happily married in Thailand?!?! Who’d have thought it possible?!
Rubber Duck – The guy not leading, be he was in front of them (Convoy 1978)
Those notably missing were DavetheRave, Stickman, BBB and pmmp. Next time maybe? pmmp was out of town, so will forgive him. Just aswell really, as some of the girls thought I was pmmp 😉
These are the players, now lets get to the venues… They are listed in order – with roughly the times. Things get a little sketchy the more we drank. Anything said about the bars is purely based on that drunken night and is by no means meant to be used in conjunction with Trip Advisor.
As there were a few of us, it would not be manageable to have huge rounds. It was decided that we should ‘buddy-up’ into two’s or three’s. It’s just easier when ordering / paying for drinks.
Everyone was asked to make notes of anything…erm… notable. Equipped with my iPhone and my drinking buddy Bubba with his Android.. we thought we were well equipped to take notes. What follows leads me to believe we are pretty fucking useless and taking any kind of notes.
Let the names begin…
Old Dutch 18:30 – Ribs, wings, salad…etc.. good finger food to start off. Quick introductions with all the troops. Drinking faster than eating, some of the guys started ordering more drinks before I could point them to the door.
Next door wasn’t open yet – so we headed to the top of the soi to work our way down.
Country Road 19:15 – Just a beer bar. Girls were not what I would call nice. Live music which I don’t remember, however I do have a note that says ‘music was shyte’!
Five Star 19:25 Cute girls and 80bht per drink. Service was so-so
Deja Vu 19:37 – Wasn’t open until 19:45. No time to wait, we had a drink outside. Wrong drinks were served. Valuable time wasted getting the right drinks. W.G didn’t look flustered. Mike headed off to do a recon. Companyman was sniffing pants.
Tilac 20:00 – no punters – girls were ropey – but some cuties. Drinks 70bht. Sat outside and tried to make up lost time from the previous bar.
Sams 2000 20:10 – terrible. – this isn’t a bar, more a restaurant. Waste of time. Hit the shots of jeager. 160bht for 2. Ripp off. 1st and last time I’ll ever go in there. No girls either. Moving on.
Kiss 20:15 – nice, neon everywhere. Like a mini Tilac. Topless, but the girls were more interested in themselves. Some cute coyotes and drinks 60bht. Not bad at all! – Will go back.
Shebas 20:30 – naked girls multiple fat bastards. What the hell? Companyman was taking phone numbers aswell as panties.
Sunshine – Afterskool 20:46 – Rubber Duck went to the naughty-boys corner and had 2 skanks set about him. They were not the nicest looking. Whilst getting seen to the girls / staff did their usual trick of ordering themselves a tequila and coke. Which is 2 separate drinks. Then they order for the barmaid and Mamasan – all whilst you’re not paying attention. Not a pleasant time. Get out as fast as you can. Scamming bitches
Fannys – 21:15 Girls were not beauty queens but had a great attitude. Rubber Duck was recognized by some girl and lead him away to be sexually assaulted – Doctor Bond observing and tutting the whole time.
Dollhouse 21:28– shite – outside Girls looked bored. Some topless, but nothing jumped out at us. Drink and out.
Shadow – 21:39 Beer bar – not gogo. Bumped into PJ from the Old Dutch. Served fast and correct – drinks were 75bht and the happy hour is from. 12-10pm or 11pm.. not too sure as I was drunk. Best you go there until 11pm and report back.
Midnight 21:50 – bunch of topless girls – not bad looking either. Will return.
Shark 22:10 – Full of hotties. Some topless. However, the flip side of this, is that it was full of dudes. Nowhere to sit.
Baccara 22:30 – Getting rather drunk now. Baccara (as always) was full. Sat outside to drink and psyc our selves up for crossing the road to take on the second side….
Visually / Audiably drunk now… the 1st line of bars was behind us. Few could argue that the ‘@Corner’ restaurant was a bar and worthy of a drink. It wasn’t. Besides, Mike, being one step ahead of us had already been in there and had a drink at a table. With a menu. And a candle. Not for us.
A count up of where we were at revealed some of us had dropped off the Convoy. Spats had taken his Horse drawn Carriage home at the strike of 9pm, not even leaving his glass Adidas for one of the Arab Princes to find. The rest of us were pretty much still here. I think. Paul had done a runner as did Doc Bond…
Notes get more sketchy, memories more blurred and the headcount drops.
In the second part, I’ll list of the remaining bars and give a little summary. If there is room, I’ll then continue with what happened after the crawl. If anyone wants to write up what they did AFTER the crawl,(Companyman?) then please send it to me!
Mine isn’t too interesting, but maybe a little amusing for some.