Pattaya Soi 6 Bar Crawl 2018

Day 1

What were we thinking?   That we are 21?  That 60+ bars means we only have to average 30 drinks over the 2 days we had allocated to the crawl?   That we can handle our drinks?  Oh what fools.

Back in the day when we arranged the Cowboy crawl.. there was a huge turn out.    The group of 15+ was broken down into smaller groups and not everyone go to chat to each other.   By the end of the night there were only 4 people standing.   One of those (apart from myself) was Kiwi Mike.

Kiwi Mike was the 1st to sign up for the Soi 6 Patts crawl.   Several others put their names down and one or two talked the talk but never showed.  Disappointing really.

The night before the event, there were 7 of us ready.  Three of those dropped out due to a dental op, a hangover and I can only guess what kind of mess one of the other guys was in.  – He did call me at 8pm on the 1st day (from Bangkok) and asked what time the Crawl starts.  He lost a day somewhere.

But anyway…

Arriving on soi 6 at 2pm,  Kiwi Mike and his pal ‘Sparky’ were ready and waiting for me.  Sparky was sucking on a bottle of water – recovering from the night before.   Kiwi Mike was straight on the beer.

A quick feed in the Queen Vic and it was off to the starting line where Gamblin Man was meeting us.

The plan was to have a drink in each bar on soi 6.   And by bar – we mean ‘bar’.  Not restaurants or cafes.  A bar should have music and girls.  And booze of course.  However, we don’t condone this kind of binge-drinking, so if you didn’t want an alcoholic beverage that was fine.  Have a water or a coke.     However,  if we went into a bar which immediately was not for us – we defaulted to ‘Tequila Rose’.  A quick shot and out.  Oh how I will be eternally grateful to the inventor of that drink.  But also hope I never drink another as long as I live.

If there is anything we can take away from the experience…..

There are 2 or 3 toilets that are amazingly clean, the nicest staff working are at the Bandidos bar and that’s it’s easier to crack the enigma code machine than it is to get a drinks order of 4 correct.

And so it begins……

This is by no means a review of each bar and our intention was to just sum up our opinions in a few words.    Believe me when I say we were amazed at how many bars messed up our drinks orders.  We are not going to name the bars – as we can’t remember them all.  But I’d say around 50% easily.

There was no way we could record all the details…   Every effort was made to record anything significant.   I ‘think’ we captured all bars.  If any were missing from the original map, this is because they have gone bust and were now a 7/11.

Also note that as the crawl went on, we got drunk.  So asking someone what they thought of a bar after drinking 30 vodkas… well, they’d be forgiven if they said all the staff were stunning!

Day 1

La La Land – Absolute Horrors!  Girls were slapping on the make-up like they were getting ready to take on Batman.

– The 1st round was paid for by Debtstar, who couldn’t make it, but was with us in spirit.   Seriously,  it kinda knocked us sideways that someone would paypal money over for a round of drinks.  There are nice people left in this world.

We raised our glasses to our drinks provider and I recalled one of Debtstars experiences in Bangkok some years ago… with an African girl.

Kiss Kool – Girls we not the best looking in the world.  Actually, nearer the ugliest.  Used to be full of sofas – now has a pool table.   There is a Chopper mounted on a plinth.  Something to look at.

Best looking bike on soi 6

Still on Debtstars dime…..   And still mulling over what he did with that African girl.

Dolls – closed (we added that to the bottom of the list)

Halifax – Basically just a short-time shop.  Nothing exciting.  30 mins behind 3pm – still in disbelief over the African girl.

Scooters – Great bunch of girls here. From the cashier to the waitresses.   –  I was staying here and at 500bht per night – well, it’s cheap as chips!

Red Point –  Usual scene of girls sitting outside, eating and drinking.  Kiwi Mike stole some kind of yoghurt drink out of a girls hand – which (we think) meant for her to follow him in.  Personally, I think Kiwi Mike was just thirsty as he spent the next 15 minutes avoiding her.

Lot’s of girls in there had been under the knife.  Some under the surgeons knife and had some big silicolne boobies and other girls had been using the cake knife and had big everything else.

Toy Bar – Fun girls. There were a bunch of Chinese lads on the next table – asking the girls to perform a BJ at the table.  The girls advised that this kind of service doesn’t happen in any of the bars in Thailand.  However, if such a thing were on offer, they are sure they’d use the rooms out the back.  The Chinese guys we having none of it and as they could not all watch their friend get sucked off,  – fucked off!

Night Wish – The boys liked this bar – but I didn’t.  Lots of the girls were heavily tattooed up but one serving us had piercings in both cheeks.  She had more metal in her face than a Terminator, ugly cow. Complete turn off.

The Clansman – The 1st sign of Ladyboys.  It was time to have the 1st shot of Tequila Rose and get out of there.  Time stamp was 16:35.

Smoke & Kiss – Old hogs.  Sparky was elbow deep in some girls noodles.  He was in a world of his own by now and was getting stuck in to all the bar girls.  At some point he was wearing some kind of feather tiara?

Sparky found a bar that accepts him for who he really is.

At this point.. we had found our groove.   Kiwi Mike and I were taking lead.  Finding out the name of the bar, ordering and then re-ordering the drinks and then scribbling something down in our little notebook.     Sparky was making the most of it all.  Feeling up all the bar girls and having lots of fun with them.   Not a care in the world.  All he had to do was follow us when we moved to the next bar.  GamblinMan… well, he seemed to be more interested in some live Facebook feed of his girlfriend.

Wicked – Heavily tattooed.    Great girls.  At this point we started noticing the names of the bars wifi names – which was quite amusing (creampie and the like).  Hanging out the front, we saw some guy selling Bikinis.  One of the girls said she liked the bright red bikini.  Sparky said he’d buy it for her if she models it for him.  250bht later we were all ogling the rather hot girl in the bar…wearing the bikini.

Horny Bar – Uglies.  Young looking.  T.R and out!  Many of these bars had the tv/sound-system hooked upto youtube.  And lots playing Thai music.  Yes, they are Thai and like listening to Thai music – but we are not Thai’s and don’t like listening to that noise.  And as the aim is to have us in their bar – spending money, having Thai music blaring out is not quite the way to go.

Miss B Havin – Miserable girls. – Thai music.

At this point, I must explain that it was not easy keeping track of who was buying drinks.  Refreshingly, we were all trying to buy the drinks instead of trying to avoid paying.

Each time we ordered – we asked for one bin… and got 4.   More often than not we just paid a separate or combined bill that was presented to us.

Chili Bar –  2 drinks in my bin.  I handed over 1000bht and received 80bht change!!    I kicked off.   As soon as I perked up with ‘hang on a fuckin minute’… the girl immediately knew what I was talking about and the cashier produced the missing notes.   If I were a cynic, I’d have said this was pre-planned.  But of course, this never happens in any bars.  Certainly not in Pattaya.

Where Angels Play –  Time stamp..18:50   Good drinking bar – Fat chicks.

Kawaii Bar – Tequila Rose and out.  Generic bar – shite

Pump Station 3  – We asked for 4 Tequila Rose’s.   The girl produced 4 Tequilas.  When we pushed back, cashier screwed her face up at us.  We gave her the benefit of the doubt and paid for them anyway – and also 4 Tequila Roses.   Still she had a face like a smacked bum.   The Owner/Manager was in the bar and tried to make small talk.   I gave him a word of advice – “tell your girls to smile once in a while”.

Ruby Club Pattaya – Busy.  Very busy.  The busiest bar we had seen so far.  We later found that some poor chap was killed there a few days prior – but that’s no reason for it to be busy.  We thought about it a while.. as it was all blokes and didn’t really spot any girls.  I then got the bill for my Vidka.  85bht compared to the 130 in all other bars.  Ah… cheap.  That’s why it’s full of people. (cheap bastards)

Lisa Bar – Friendly bar.  The girls dressed up – uniforms and thigh-length boots. Looked good.  By this time Sparky was on the way to drunksville and was wanting to know where Lisa was? – we never found her.

Hero Bar – fit ladies. (sorry.. that was all that was written in the book!)

Pat Bar – crap.  Generic – non-descript

Candy Bar – shite

Sky Bar – coke.. drunk.

Quicky Bar – Generic

As you have probably noticed, my notes were getting a little shorter.   I can only put this down to being drunk and having to spend most of the time keeping an eye on Sparky.

Foxy Bar – Time stamp….20:45 Full of twats!

Roxy Bar – Appeared as bar for Pattaya expats.  The kind of people we avoid.  Tequila Rose and out.

Bull Dog – Nothing special.  Typical bar, nothing exciting.

Offshore Bar – Snotty bitches.  Many of these bars around here – had girls that paid no attention to us.  I can only assume they all had regular punters which they were only interested in?

Sex in the City – Nothing special – Tequila Rose and out.

Soho – Crap.  Again, these bars are all pretty much the same.

At this point GamblinMan had thrown in the towel.  He was drunk and getting rowdy.   We explained that we had only half a dozen bars to go – be he saw that as 6 more Tequila Rose shots.  Off he went.

With GM out of the picture… Sparky decided he’d had enough too.  Well sort of.  He was dribbling, talking funny, groping girls and ogling ladyboys.  We thought this would all stop when he joined us on the bar crawl.    So with him pretty much a wreck, Kiwi Mike escorted him back to his hotel (ish) which was just round the corner.  Good Samaritan that Kiwi Mike is – stopped off at 7/11 for water, red bull, paracetamol and KY Jelly.   Play safe kids.

When Kiwi Mike joined me again in the bar – we set off to the next.    Oh how joyful and excited we were when we found we had to walk several shop-fronts to the next bar.  It was such a relief to be able to walk more than 30 seconds before facing another bloody drink.

O Bar – The entry I have in the book is    ‘no one got killed’  – by this time we were drunk and ‘maybe’ a little rowdy?  Don’t know?

Perry Bar – Seriously drunk now.  We could see the end in sight.  Power on.  I think it was time for a soft drink.   I have no record of this bar other than ‘twatted’ written in the book

Mods – sorry… no idea?

3 Angel – What’s with the ‘3’ in these bars names?  Maybe it was the amount of drinks they could order without getting it wrong?     I remember this bar pretty well – as we thought we had stepped into the Bronx.  Full of boyz from the hood.   Didn’t look too friendly and welcoming if I am honest.  We didn’t care.  We were at the stage where we could take on the world.    We decided against that – and after a Tequila Rose – off we went.

The Good Fellas – This bar saved me from a world of pain the next day.  It was this bar that I vomited in.  In the restrooms I might add.   It was biblical.  All sorts of colours and thicknesses.    Oh how I thanked my lucky stars that all of this horrid booze was out of me!   – Still managed a vodka though.

Thai Rose – thank fuck it’s over. The last bar on this side of the soi.  That was the goal of the day.  We were done and we knew it.  A quick shot and we headed back to Scooters.  The time was 22:10.

Last men standing

36 bars in 8 hours.    It’s not big and it’s not clever.

Back to Scooters to gather our thoughts.     Turns out we didn’t have too many thoughts so Kiwi Mike and I both decided to do the right thing and go to our beds.   Tomorrow was another day.   Tomorrow – was the second and final part of our soi 6 challenge which I for one was not looking forward to.

To be continued……

This time next week…….

The Pattaya Soi 6 Bar Crawl is on!

This this time next week… we should all be hung over and not wanting to drink ever again.  Or for at least a few hours anyway.

All systems are go.   A few of us are landing in Thailand on Sunday morning – and shall be heading straight to Pattaya to meet at the starting point at  1-2pm.

The starting (meeting) point can be at Scooters.   It’s a 1 minute walk to the beginning of the soi.     So meet there.. but be ready to set off at 13:55.

Looks like I shall be in Bangkok at the weekend – so if anyone wants to share a cab to Patts?

I am staying off the drink this week.    Been hitting it far too much since I’ve been back.

Pattaya Soi 6 Bar Crawl 11th & 12th Feb – Update 1st Feb

Greetings!

As threatened.… we’re attempting the Pattaya Soi 6 bar crawl.   1 drink in every bar – without exception.

Just like we did in Soi Cowboy a few years back.

Cowboy Part 1Part 2  & Conclusion

There are more bars in soi 6 than there is in Cowboy.   On the Cowboy crawl, there were only a few people left standing if I recall.    So this time,  we’re spreading it over 2 days.

The Cowboy run was a hoot – and we made new friends.  I don’t expect this one to attract as many people – but even if it’s just a handful of people – it will sure enough be a giggle.

The plan is to start around lunchtime on Sunday 11th Feb – going into the night and crashing out somewhere (many cheap hotels on soi 6) and then reconvening on the 12th – powering on till the finish.   – All departing Patts (if you want to) on the 13th after breakfast where we can share our battle scars.

Everyone welcome of course.

Oh.. and if you don’t think you can handle drinking that much – there is always the option to have a soft-drink or a shot of that girly Tequila Rose stuff.    As long as you’ve had a drink – you can make claim to say you’ve completed the Soi 6 bar crawl.

Approx 60 bars.   If you budget for 150bht a drink = 9000.  Plus accommodation, food(?) and any ‘extras’ you may want.    – It still works out cheaper than a night out in Nana.

Rolln…  I tried booking you a flight.. but the website asks for Name/Surname.   It won’t accept  ‘ROLLN’!

****  Update! ****

We had a little discussion – about how are we going to write it up.  Do we even want to write it up?  If we did,  would it be about the bar, or about the group having a laugh?

But then,  if we wanted to record events, how could we do that?  The Notes app on our phones?  Hmm.. how many people would have flat batteries or lose a phone?   And after 30 bars.. who is going to be able to operate a phone?

We did think of hiring a ‘scribe’.  Someone who’s only task would be to take notes – have a few drinks of course – but mainly soft.  They have a job to do after all!

Then it was suggested.. why not barfine a girl to take notes?  Swap her out every 10 bars or so?  hmmm, not sure her writing skills would be up to it?

So at the moment we are not sure if or how we are going to record the goings on.  Maybe I’ll just take a little notebook and we can all take turns in jotting down a few notes?  Might be more fun that way?

Suggestions welcome….

*********************************

It’s all coming together…. I’ve just got word that Kiwi Mike is coming in from New Zealand – for 4 days for the crawl.

We’ve now booked hotels…  it’s all coming together.. ready for a 3pm kick off on the 11th.

Reason it’s 3pm.. is because my Ferry arrives at 2pm.. and I need to get to the starting line.

 

Lots to do, little time to do it in

Thanks to the guys at Bangkok-Eyes for providing the above map!

Happy New Year!

Wow… time flies when you’re having fun.   But as this year has dragged like a club foot – does that mean I’ve not had much of a good time?

So what have we all been upto?     Well,  I do have to work 6 months of the year, so that doesn’t leave me long to enjoy myself too much.

At the beginning of the year – Miss Tim and I headed to Phuket.     A nice resort, fantastic views/food – only spoiled by leaving the resort and heading into Patong where it’s full of riff-raff and over-priced food and beverages.    Don’t think we’ll be going back there in a hurry.

Mid-year, Miss Tim and I drove from the UK down to Barcelona.  Stopping off to see friends in France – one of them being ‘Apple’ from the Big Mango.

We liked Barcelona and France.    For some mad reason I did a parachute jump in Barcelona – while Miss Tim sat and watched from terror-firmer.  Wimp!

We opted to drive through France/Spain as I hate all Car Hire companies.  Globally.  No matter what country – they’re all a rip off.  Bastards the lot of them.

Towards the end of the year I went to the UK a few times to catch up with friends and to also pop over to Sweden to see how Jonas is getting on.  We had fun.  I shall be back.

While in the UK,  I treated myself to some new toys.   Some motorbikes and cars.  They’re all safely locked away for the winter and I can’t wait to get back there for the Spring when I can dig them out and go for a drive/ride.

Rounded off the year in the UK seeing friends and family – and then back to Thailand for Christmas.  I am now back at work for New Year – which leaves me thinking about whats in store for next year.

I’ve booked a motorcycle tour across the Himalayas on a Royal Enfield next summer, so that should be interesting.

Need to move house at some point…. somewhere that I don’t have to share with pool cleaners and gardeners.

Also I need to pull my finger out and organise the Pattaya Si 6 bar crawl.  I think we said February for that.

Apart from that….. same ole, same ole.

For me,  2017 was not a bad year at all.   Here is hoping 2018 is just as good if not better.

May 2018 be good year for us all.

Happy New Year!   👿

 

 

Tis the Season to be Jolly…. apparently….

It’s that time of year again.  A time that I really like.   Dark,  cold, wet….  that’s how it should be.   Of course, not going to get that in Thailand.

Off to the UK we headed.    Two weeks in the UK – to enjoy the atmosphere, shopping, cold weather – and most of all… the food!

We love the food in the UK..  I am not talking ‘fish n chips’ or ‘pie n mash’… I am referring to all the different cuisines which are available in the UK.  Donner Kebabs,   Tikka Masalas, crispy duck…etc..  all fantastic in the UK.

For the best part of 2 weeks, we had cocktails in the evenings and hit all sorts of restaurants and take-aways.   Evening shopping in the dark, with people scuttling around picking up Christmas gifts all contributed to a great atmosphere.

The UK was cold.  Very cold.  Some snow and lots of ice.  I think that’s the coldest that Miss Tim has ever been.

For me… the two weeks were great.  Met up with friends, family and  kicked back and enjoyed all of the things in the UK that I miss.    I even ventured out into the icey weather to ride my motorbike.  Admittedly, that didn’t last long as my fingers nearly fell off  due to the cold.

Two weeks passed pretty quick and soon enough I was back in Thailand.   Nice.

Landing less than a week ago, I thought Christmas might be nice here.     Relaxing by the pool, some good food and into town in the evenings to soak up some Christmas spirit.

I couldn’t be more wrong.

Forget about the relaxing by the pool.   It turns out that we have an underground water leak.  So my garden is being dug up by a bunch of Thai’s.   When they’re not digging and inspecting pipes.. they’re all sitting around eating.

In town – people seem to be bloody miserable!   Lots of families on holiday – as to be expected, but they seem to be made up of more riff-raff than usual.

Christmas Dinner?   Well,  PRIME Steak Restaurant seems to be the no.1 restaurant here – so I contacted them a few months ago to book a table.      I was told they were closed on the 25th – but there is a big Christmas Eve dinner on the 24th – but hurry…. tickets are almost sold out!

The price was 1800 each.  There were 5 of us.     Arriving at 19:00, the restaurant was hardly full.   The other diners were all made up of tourists.    The table next to us were chain smoking.   We asked the staff why it is they’re allowed to smoke in a restaurant – but was told ‘It’s Christmas so its a free day’!

– Amazing.

Food was utter shite and the other guests would be more at home at feeding time at the zoo.   The Buffett was savaged within minutes.  Dumbass scandanavians using the same Twongs to fill their plate with every bit of food they could find.   Each set of twongs ended up clogged up with crap.

The desert island was being surrounded by kids who thought the big giger-bread house was a toy – so were playing with, touching it and more than once giving the roof a lick.

What’s more – for the 1800bht,   there was no booze included!   Not even a house pour or a glass of wine.  A total waste of money.   There was no way a meal could reach the 800 price tag, let alone 1800.

We were more pissed off when we saw people walk in off the street and were given the usual menus!   We’d have much preferred that!

I can’t say any of us were impressed and couldn’t wait to get the hell out of there.

Christmas Day itself was a much non-event.     I instructed Tim to tell the workmen to stay away from the house on the 25th, leaving me to sit around in what looked like a Normandy field during WWII.

Into town in the evening… and to our shock… PRIME Restaurant was open as normal!!  Bastards!!!  They told me it was closed on the 25th!   I’d have much preferred to have gone there on the 25th and had a steak – than go on the 24th and be subjected to the ‘canteen’ environment.

It’s now the 26th.   I had every intention of trying to salvage my Christmas by heading to the beach today.

– woke up to find it’s raining!

Tomorrow I am heading back to work.  GREAT!!!!

I’ve had my fill of Thailand.   I wish I had stayed in the UK.    One thing is for sure – this will be the last time I spend Christmas in Thailand.   With a bit of luck,  2018 will be the last year I spend in Thailand too.

Merry Christmas!

House hunting again

Been off the airwaves for a while… nothing much going on.  Work work work.   Arrived back in Thailand on Friday and headed straight to HH.

The usual shenanigans at the airport…   it was so busy – the officials opened up the Fast Track/Premium Lane for any old riff-raff.   The problem with this is – you have not staff at the entrance checking the arrival/departure cards.  So there I was stuck behind a bunch of back-packing half-witts who were filling out their cards at the desk.  Fast-Track my arse.  Although, there was one Thai at her counter who was vicious – she was sending people out of the queue if so much as a flight number was missing.  Love that woman!

Hua Hin.. nothing changes…. except all the houses around me seem to be falling down. Well, the 8ft garden walls that is.

We had heavy rain the other week…  which lead to all the houses around the house I am in – to flood and walls collapse.  For some odd reason the water was channeling around my house!

I had a look in the now abandoned neighbors house…  and I have to say – what a bunch of assholes.  They rent.  As soon as the water started coming in through the glass doors – they had It away on their toes.  They didn’t  think to maybe lift any items from the floor and put them on the bed?  Or maybe even tie a knot in the curtains to save them from soaking up all the muddy rain water?  No.. they just left.

Maybe I am just too nice and thoughtful.

At least I no longer have any neighbors which I can complain about.  Good.

Another good reminder though, why I don’t buy a property in Thailand.   Everywhere I go (looking for new houses) I see them being built by old ladies.    Not the best workmanship I’ve seen.

Luckily.. my house still looks like this.. but for how long?

In May, the lease is due up on my house.  It was up for 50k per month, but we got a discount for long term let.  Two years is enough.  It’s starting to show its age – paint falling off the walls,  wardrobes falling apart and a crack here and there now showing. Time to move on.

Just so happens there is a smaller house about 3 minute walk away which could be just what we need.  It’s not as big as the one we’re in – but then, we don’t need all these empty bedrooms.

We contacted the owner and took a look.  It wasn’t bad at all.   Everything was new – and apart from a family visit here and there – no one has lived there since it was built a few years ago.

Thing is – we don’t need it until Feb 1st.   Which is 2 months away.   It’s been up for rent or sale for the past 6 months.  Surely we can do a deal?

I should have realised I was dealing with an idiot, when the owner introduced himself as ‘Mr Lucky’.  From Oz…   The guy was a nob, so I let Tim call him up.

And it goes a little something like this….

Miss Tim:    Mr. Lucky,  we are interested in renting the house. –  We would like it for a                       minimum of one year as of Feb 1st.  We can give you 1 months deposit now                     and also pay 1 year in advance.

Mr.Lucky:    Strewth, can you not take it now?

Miss Tim:    No, we’re still in our current house.

Mr.Lucky:    Strewth, well just have the two.

Miss Tim:    No. That’s not how this works.

Lucky:         Strewth, you can pay the deposit and the year upfront, but I can’t                                      guarantee it will be available on Feb 1st.

Miss Tim:    You do know what ‘deposit’ means right?

Lucky:         Strewth, If someone comes along before Feb 1st and wants to rent it – I’ll                          give it to them.

(even though it’s been empty for the last year)

Miss Tim:     We want it in Feb.  We’ll give you the months deposit now… which in                               effect gives you the money for January – meaning its just December you’ll                       not get rent for.  And as it’s already December, the likelihood of you                                 renting it right now is very unlikely.

Mr Lucky:     Strewth, like I said,  pay me the money – but there is no guarantee.

Miss Tim:     What’s plastic and goes ‘click’?

Mr Lucky      Strewth, what?

Miss Tim:     ‘Click’

Mr Lucky:     Strewth. Hello?   Are you there Sheila? Hello?  Strewth.

What a dick.   Mr Lucky is lucky that it was Tim on the phone to him and not myself – as I’d have been hurling all sorts of nasty insults at him that I’d not be doing if my Mother was in the same room.

This fool just threw away a years money.   Has he not seen the property market at the moment in HH?  It’s a renters market.  There are houses empty everywhere.

We did think about telling our Landlord to knock 10 large off our rent – and we’ll stay, but to be honest,  I am bored with this house now.  Time to move on.  Besides,  one more major downpour,  and the house might get swept away.

But anyway, I’ve no time to deal with this now…. off to the UK tomorrow for a few weeks – looking for all that Christmas festivity.

 

Carry on…

To the Plaza….

It’s been a while since we hit Nana.     As per usual, we all met up with our wives and girlfriends.  Said our hellos and goodbyes – and as they went to go eat their bodyweight in noodles – we headed to the Plaza.

Flank was back in Bangkok.. wearing his Black war uniform.   Lomeo had been given a pass and Bubba also graced us with his presence.   GM was absent.   He had buggered off to another Country with his young ‘girlfriend’ who is different.

Anyway,  after leaving Hanrahans – we headed to meet Bubba in Big Dogs.  I was approx 7pm.  Perfect time for people watching.  Unfortunately we were not the only ones with that idea so had to head to Lucky Luke’s instead.  Flank was very conscious of the time – as he was meeting a girl at AW at 8.   He had met her the night before.  I am guessing he dazzled her with his impressive air-guitar skills.    He’d made her a promise that he’d return the next night (tonight) at 8pm.     Thing is – he was keeping to this promise.  To the very minute.   We tried telling him that she probably hears guys tell her every night that they’ll be back the next night and never show up.  So it doen’t matter if he is a few minutes, hours or even days late.  She’ll still greet him like a Soldier coming back from war.

Lucky Luke’s is a bit bleak.  No.  A LOT bleak.  Such prime real estate going to waste.   The 1st bar you get to in the Plaza and you feel like you actually want to run past it.  It’s in a desperate need of a refurb.   Being Halloween, all the girls in the bar were happy – as it was the one night of the year they didn’t have to dress up or put on make-up to fit in with the scary theme.

With Flank pointing at his watch every 3 minutes – we drank up and headed upstairs… to a bar closer to AW so that Flank wasn’t late to meet his future ex-wife.  We stuck our head through ‘Diamonds’ curtain to see what was happening.  Nothing.  Lots of girls sitting around putting on make-up and stuffing their faces.  We’ll call back later then.

A walk down to the corner – said ‘hi’ to all the lads standing around in their bikinis and came to a halt by the stairs.  It was too early for go-go’s.   Not even 8pm.    We reassured Flank that his girl will still be there at 8:30 – so please lets have a drink somewhere.

Back down the stairs to the little beer bars in the centre of the Plaza.   And what a great spot!  They should have a bar you can sit at that points straight at the entrance of the Plaza.  Good viewing for sure.

We had a couple of drinks there and shot the shit.  We couldn’t relax too much as Flank was getting excited.

Few drinks down, back up the stairs to AW.     They tried to seat us on the back row, which we declined and took our regular spot at the stage.    Flank saw the service girl from the night before – who then pointed out his girl.#

Soldier boy Flank was greeted like he had just come back from 5 years at war.  The lads were dropped like an old hanky and off he went to back tier of seats with his new girl and he never spoke to us again!

Occasionally we’d look back to see if he’d finished his air-guitar set – only to see him KISSING her! At one point it looked like a scene from Alien.

I am not a fan of AW.   However,  they did have a load of girls packed onto the stage.  The thing with AW – is that you are never going to find a ‘good girl’ there.  They’re all hardened hookers.  Don’t be fooled into thinking they’ve only been working there a week.

We left Mr & Mrs Flank and headed downstairs (again) to Pretty Lady (or whatever it’s called).   The place has changed.  There was once a time when we’d enter the place and all the girls would go nuts at their inevitable influx of booze that was soon to come their way.  Now, all the women are old or dead.

Taking a seat by the bar – we had a few.     That night was the first night I noticed how big that place is.  It’s huge!

A few drinks down, all was good and then BAM…. I was spotted by an old troll.   She was old 10 years ago when she was at the Mango… now she is just horrid.  She came over and said hello and just hung around.  I bought her a drink for old times sake – and warned her that my girlfriend could walk through the door at any moment – so keep your claws off me.

Old Troll pointed out a girl on stage – saying it was her 1st night.   Troll plucked her from the village somewhere, got her the job and lets her stay in her room.  Hmm.. likely story.  Anyway,  1st night?  O.k… lets buy her a drink then.

New girl didn’t speak much Engrish – which was good as I don’t really like talking that same old crap to Bar girls anymore.    I gave her a tip (to fook off) and she handed it to the Troll!   ‘She has to pay me’ says the Troll.   I am guessing that Troll has bankrolled New girls little business plan.

When the New girl was given the little ticket for her lady drink – she placed it in my bin.  Troll then corrected her and told he she must keep it on her and exchange it for cash at the end of the shift.   – Wow.. she really was new!

Toll went onto tell me that she ‘helps’ many girls into the business.  This New girl was only going to spend a week at Pretty Lady (Bunnies) and was then heading upstairs to Bill Board.   There was some deal going on with the Troll and the old Mamasan (Crow) at Billboards.    Sex worker apprenticeship / trafficking in the flesh right there.

From PL, we headed upstairs to Bill Board.   Holy crap.  The place was crammed with girls – and I am sorry to say – quite a few LB’s.   I am not a fan.  I don’t think they should be there – but then why are they there?  I can only assume they’re there because there is a demand?  So who are these guys?    I just don’t see the attraction to being with a dude with tits.   Sorry, but there is something wrong with you if that’s your thing.

We bumped into Crow… she was full of Halloween spirits and dressed either as a Witch – or her normal clothes – it’s hard to tell.   Lots of girls caked in black make-up.  Flank would have loved it.

Apart from the ‘dudes’ – there were some absolute stunners on the poles.   The kind of girls that you pictured on your arm when you imagined attending your 20year high-school reunion.    And all for the cost of a few hundred bucks.

Out of Bill Board – down the steps and headed into Erotica.  Compared to BB – these girls were hogs.  Still, hogs need loving too.  The girls morals here a re a little lower than most gogos.  They’re very hands-on and not shy.  The Rats certainly enjoyed it.  I wasn’t too comfortable as I was not interested in the hog that was trying to chat to me.  I was more interested in picking a fight with the Middle-Eastern guy who was shouting/screaming at girls – being very disrespectful.  I badly wanted to punch his face in.  The girls kept telling me to ignore him.  His pals clocked that I was not their biggest fans and left soon after.  Maybe I’d had enough to drink already?

From Erotica – we headed to Diamonds (I think).  Dreadful.   I feel sad to say that, as I’ve known the owners for many, many years.   The line up were absolute hogs.  There was just nothing nice about the girls there.  I don’t even think we finished our drinks?

Sprinting out of Diamonds…     straight into Mandarin.

Do you remember when Mandarin was popular?   I don’t know why I go in this place as I never enjoy myself.   With only a few people in the bar – we were shown seats at the back.   On the floor by the stage – sat the A or B Team waiting to get on the stage and dance.   For 10 mins they all just sat there looking glum and miserable.   Not much different to the girls on the stage.  Biggest bunch of miserable cows I’ve seen in one place.     The used to have a big bucket of nasty booze in the corner to get the girls in the mood.  That seems to have long gone.

When the shift changed – as per usual the Mamasans brought girls over to us and paraded them like a piece of meat.  Thanks, but no thanks.   I really hate that approach.  What must be going through that poor girls mind as she is offered up and rejected like that?

Once again, I vowed never to return there as long as I have a hole in my arse.   I’ll probably be back next month then.

At this point – we’d had a belly full.   Time to head home.      Looking back, the bar I’d most like to return to – is the little beer bar at the mouth of the Plaza.   I think if you get there early with some pals, get a good seat, I think it’d could be a good laugh.

I’ll pencil that in for next month….

Sleeping at the Mall (well, the hotel above it)

It’s that time again.   After a month of R&R it’s time to head back to work.

Thing is, I don’t go direct to work…. I stop off in Bangkok and Dubai on the way.   And why not?

Plenty of Rats about this weekend, so 3 nights in Bangkok should be plenty of time to catch up.  All that’s needed is a Hotel.  Some of you may know about my ongoing quest to find the perfect hotel.  The other month I thought I found it – The Landmark near soi 4.    I do like it.  The only thing I am not too keen on are the prices of the room service and the cafe out front. Still, premium hotels command premium prices I guess?

So it was almost the Landmark Hotel that was to accommodate us – until Miss Tim suggested we give Grande Center Point at Terminal 21.     A good suggestion as we planned to spend a lot of time in the T21 shops, restaurants and cinema.  Also handy for Cowboy.    All good arguments for staying there, but whar really swung it was the website advert said the rooms have a FREE MINIBAR!   Oooo yes.  Take my money now.

All in all.. with the tax, hidden charges, hidden tax, made up tax and ++ of something else, the Grande Delux Room worked out 5,500 bht per night.    Similar to the Landmark – but the Landmark doesn’t have a free minibar.  Now,  I don’t want to sound like a Trip Advisor review – but this might be handy for those of you who maybe looking for a decent hotel in these parts.

Check-in was a breeze.  All I had to do was sign my name and we were shown to the room.   Pretty nice.  Bigger than the Landmark, great views, modern and comfy.

Can’t say I was impressed with the Free Minibar.

Was this the free minibar or what the last guests left behind?

Room Service menu is not bad and is not overpriced.  A burger/fries cost 240 and a Spag Bol 200 bht.  Not bad, not bad at all.

The best part the hotel is the location….  you can go from the Lobby into the Shopping Mall.  No BTS, no sidewalks, no taxi’s… no people!   I’ll forgive them the minibar for that alone.

Room with a view…

I’m one of those people that do tend to spend time in the hotel room, rather than sitting in any bar that is open all day.  It’s a nice room and pleasant to stay in.  Sitting on my computer, looking over Asoke area 22 floors up.  Yeah,  nice.

Very pleasant stay indeed.   T21 –  I’ll be back.

Jooooooooooooonas!

If I were to pop to the shops to pick up a loaf of bread – and didn’t return for 3 days,  I’d have some explaining to do.  The girlfriend, quite rightly would not be happy.    I’d have to gloss over many details but would have to come up with a convincing story that ‘nothing happened’.

I’d have been making up a story as I walked home, rubbing glitter and cheap perfume off my forehead ready to offer up as an excuse.

The girlfriend would be demanding answers.  Where did I go?  Who was I with?  What did I do?  Where did I sleep? How much did I spend?  Where is my underwear? Where did I get that tattoo from?  You get the idea.

I am sure if the locks on the house were hers – she’d have thought of changing them.

I’d explain that I met up with a pal, we went to a bar,  I drank too much,  my phone died, I lost track of time, my pal borrowed the money I had on me, we got some food,  I fell I’ll and slept on his sofa until now.  You know how it goes.

If she didn’t buy it, she’d ask who my ‘pal’ was.  She knows most of them.  She also knows that of my friends,  I am usually the bad influence.   If I told her I was out with certain Rats…. she’d smell one.

Unless that is,  I was out with Jonas!     There would be no story, no explaining, no lies, no apologies.   All I need say was…   “I bumped into Jonas”.     Miss Tim would understand.

She’d also assume we just got drunk and fell asleep in a bar.   Most of the time she’d be right.

We miss that crazy Swede bastard.   It’s been a year since he left Thailand and returned to his Motherland with his Daughter.   Why leave?   Well, simple.  He wanted a better life for his Daughter.

Very noble.  I want to leave Thailand because I am sick of having to walk in the road because some Thai has set up a food stall on the sidewalk.

We’re still in touch and Jonas is doing well. Decent job,  nice apartment, car, playstation…etc.. all the things which not many people have in Thailand.

Last week I flew to the UK to ride my motorbikes one last time until next Spring.   Just as it takes a couple of hours to get to Pattaya  – it takes a few hours to fly to Sweden.    Why not?

Thursday night I caught one of the few flights that Ryan Air hadn’t cancelled and flew to Sweden.   It’s cold.  But a good cold.  Lovely fresh air. Great.

I only had 2 nights.  The plan was to have a catch up on Thursday night – then hit the town on Friday night and fly back to the UK on Saturday morning.  Simples.

It was late on Thursday by the time we got to Jonas’s apartment.    There were no parking spaces available – so we had to park a few blocks away.   After stuffing our faces and talking the times Jonas would spend 200bht under the bridge in Sukhumvit – we crashed for the night.

Bright and early Friday morning.  9am.    The whole day ahead.   Bit of relaxing and then head out.  First things first though,  lets go and get the car and park it out front.  Off into the cold fresh air we went.

It’s odd seeing Jonas outside of Thailand.  Yeah, we’ve partied in London and Dubai together – but Jonas in his homeland is a lot different.  He wears shoes (not flipflops)  has jeans, sweaters and even has a Credit card.  Just like a grown up!

Going to move the car a couple of blocks should have taken 5 mins.   14 hours later we were smashed and heading to a strip club.

Rewind a little…

With the car parked – we thought it such a nice morning so we decided on a little walk into town to have a coffee and a croissant.  That’s what grown-ups do right?

The coffee shop was cool.  Good place to people watch. Disappointing that I never saw 1 tall blonde Swedish girl the whole time I was there.  I guess they’re all making porn somewhere?

The coffee shop sold Cider.   So we had a few.  After all, it’s fruit and we’re supposed to have 5 a day.

From there – we headed to a Sports bar.  It was coming upto Lunchtime – so thought we’d hit the cocktails.  More fruit portions mixed with Vodka.  How healthy are we?

And this is where it gets a little cloudy.   We were there for hours.  Chucking all sorts of booze down our necks.  We had the barman make us all sorts of things.  I’d like to say they were nice but I’d be lying.

From there we went to Jonas’s pals bar/restaurant.   Dennis remembered me from the Mango which he had visited in the past.  Nice guy – great little bar with awesome smelling food.   Food which was not for us though.  You don’t put solids in a hydraulic machine after all.

More shots followed.   The bar/restaurant was a little ‘hi-so’ for us to be falling around and farting in – so we decided to head to a bar closer to Jonas’s apartment.

Again, a good little bar and we struck up conversation with the Turkish owner.  He gave us some free shots which almost sent us blind.  The barmaid was cool too.   By 10pm we were smashed.  What next?  Well,  a strip club of course.

We’d head back to the apartment and freshen up – then head back out.     I had 7am flight, so there was plenty of time.

10pm is a little early to hit a strip club though, so we came up with the bright idea of having a little power-nap.

You guessed it.   We woke up several hours later.   Just as it was time for me to jump on a bus to the airport.

Of course… I would say that wouldn’t I?

Now back in the UK.   Weather is good.  Time to get out on those bikes.

Pattaya Trip – by boat!

I am starting to think that we are now battle-hardened veterans of Thailand.   What we used to think was all exciting, scary and dangerous, is all just an average Sunday afternoon.    Yes,  I am talking about Pattaya soi 6.

Let me wind it back a little…   I arrived back in Thailand a few weeks ago.  The Rats were planning on meeting for a recon mission in Pattaya – ahead of a planned bar crawl in a few months.

Now, when we usually go to Pattaya, I get up early in the morning (in HH),  taxi to Bangkok to meet the Rats, spot of lunch and then another taxi to Pattaya.   By the time we get to Pattaya I’ve been up 7 hours and am 5k in the hole.  And that’s just the start of the day.

This time however,  I thought it was time I take the Ferry!

The ferry has been in operation about 10 months now (I think) and started off at 2 trips per day.  That’s now down to 1.    Because of that,  it meant I had to over-night it in Pattaya.  Damn shame that.  Instead of getting a cab back to Bangkok – Hua Hin I’d save time and money and get the Ferry back in the morning!. Perfect!

The Ferry leaves HH at 1pm and returns the next day at 10am.   I checked out the Ferry terminal the day before with the intention of purchasing a ticket incase it’s a popular trip.  – It isn’t.

The old crab working at the Ferry counter said I could not purchase a ticket unless I provided a passport.  Why?  Where was this Ferry going exactly?!    I tried to argue that I can purchase a airline ticket to anywhere in the world without providing a passport but she was having none of it.   Now,  I can understand that passport details must be provided before I get on the Ferry incase it sinks and the authorities need to know who is now fish-food – but this can be done before getting on the boat.  No need to stop things before the event.  Has no one actually figured it out that all they need to do is make sure you produce a passport before getting on the boat?  I left empty handed.

There are 3 seating choices available.   Economy – which is full of the Chinese and Thai’s,  Business, which has the odd Farrang in – and the VIP room which has no one in.

For 1500 each way,  I went for the Business seat.   Now, I could beat up on the Ferry Operators – but there is no point.  I am sure they are trying their best to make it a professional and pleasurable experience for their passengers.   What I don’t like though,  is that their brochure is riddled with typos.  Surely they would have had a Farrang proof-read it before it went to publishing?!   What else have they over-looked?!

When the Ferry arrived,  I couldn’t help but notice the crew were all wearing hard-hats.  On a boat.  I didn’t see anything over-head, so I am not sure why they were wearing them?  These people probably take off their hardhats when they get on their motor-bikes afterwork?!

beware falling rocks?

The Business Class seats were o.k.  Only two other people on the top deck.  Perfect.  A little nap and 20 minutes more than the claimed 2 hour journey and we arrived in Patts.

The Rats were at a bar on soi 6 – so I grabbed the nearest mototcy taxi and 10 mins after arriving at port I was slinging a Grey Goose down my neck.

The plan was to stay on soi 6 and have a proper look.   The usual walk up and down took place.   Shit.  There are a lot of bars.   This crawl really isn’t going to be completed in 1 day.

We chose Scooters as our Hub.  Turns out, they have rooms upstairs.   The rooms are small but clean.  Size doesn’t matter (I keep telling myself this) – as all I intended on doing there was passing out later on.  It had aircon, TV, fridge, shower/crapper and double bed.   All that for………..500bht!   How is that even possible?!

Popular with the French…

With our overnight bags stowed – we hit the street.

Ah, what a street!    There is something about it.  It’s fun.  It’s alive.  There is an energy, atmosphere and an intrigue about the place.

There was a time when the soi was filled with hogs.  A place where Ripley Believe it or Not would recruit.  It’s no longer like that.   There are plenty of nice girls there now.  Many are dressed in uniforms.  The girls look clean and respectable and the bars all stock premium booze.

We hit as many of the bars as possible.  I am not going to list each one – I’ll save that for the bar crawl.

At one point we thought it best to have some food – so went to the Queen Victoria Inn.   Inside, you’d never think you were in soi 6.  It’s a total Oasis.  Full of old codgers having a drink or food and not a bar girl/boy in sight.    The food is good and the prices were dirt cheap.   Really,  soi 6 takes some beating.

As the last bars closed up – we thought we would keep in with the ‘sleezy’ theme of Pattaya and head down beach road… beach side.

Once again, we were pleasantly surprised – if not a little disappointed.  Gone were the street urchins that would hang upside down by their feet.  There were no call to us form the shadows,  no girls huddled around a pipe looking over their shoulders.   Yeah, there were girls, but most of them looked liked that had come to beach road after the bar they worked in closed for the night.

After a mile or so walk… we found ourselves back at Scooters and hit the sack for the night – in our little rooms.   The plan was to do breakfast at 8am – as I had to be back on the boat at 10am.

Many people recall that soi 6 (and beach road) was scary back in the day.   That day has long gone.   Not so long ago, Rolln mentioned that he felt quite intimidated on soi 6 – which seemed odd to me.  Those of you know Rolln will know that on Halloween, Dracula dresses up as Rolln to scare his pals.

So yes,  it was a place for the ‘initiated’.  No longer.  It’s actually not a bad night out. Preferable to Walking Street and LK Monster.

Unless that is,  we are just ‘ruined’ veterans and nothing makes our toes curl anymore?

 

They see me Crawlin…. they hatin….

We’ve done the Soi  Cowboy bar crawl.  We’ve done the soi4 crawl.   What’s next?

Well, has anyone tried the soi 6 craw?   And I don’t mean Sukhumvit.   I am talking Pattaya!

Plans are in motion for a soi 6 bar crawl.  Not sure when… in the next few months when peoples schedules align.

Lots of bars in one night.  More than Cowboy.   I think this may have to be a 2 day event.

More details to follow…..  Who’s in?

Thanks to the guys at Bangkok-Eyes for providing the above map!

 

 

 

Quiet afternoon on soi 4

A week after Pattaya, we decided to regroup in Soi 4.    Hooters.

Has Hooters lost it’s appeal?  Didn’t seem so interesting this time for some reason.    After a few drinks, we usually opt for a bottle, but this time we just couldn’t see ourselves being there long enough.

Bubba and I were sinking a few Vodkas, talking about how the Hooters girls of gone from lovely looking girls with big hooters, to weathered girls with big tattoos – when we were approached by what I can only describe as a trainee Terminator.  It was Flank.   Dressed in black.  Black clothes, black tattoos, black jewellery and black eyes.

Frank has seen the sun beaming off my bald head over at Big Dogs, so he and his gf came and joined us.   Not long after, GM turned up with another pal.

A number of drinks were slung down our necks,  but not before we had the chance to purchase 13 pairs of sunglasses and a new iPhone 9 from the street vendors.   Oh, and a couple of Dildos for Lomeo and Jonas.

black… I want them all black…

With a few of us in tow, it was only right to go to another bar which doesn’t issue discount cards and then revoke them a few weeks after.

I don’t know the name of it – but there is a new(ish) bar on the corner just past Hanrahans.    A little quirky even.

We piled in there – filling the place up.  Tables together and started ordering booze.  Being a small bar – the speakers were right in our ears which was less than pleasing for me.   Flank wasn’t complaining and starting playing air guitar or air drums. I can’t remember which.

Not a bad little bar really.   A couple of staff were loitering around but not making a nuisance of themselves.  The only thing that put me off the bar was the stools.  They were that cheap metal crap.  Reminded me of garden furniture.  Not comfy at all.

However, it wasn’t a bad little bar and the only reason we moved on was to get a change of scenery.    After Flank put his air instruments away we headed to Witches and Wenches – or something like that?  It used to be the 7/11 opposite the old Mango soi.

Upon arrival I received a ‘Whaaaaaaa….. Khun Gray-ham’.   – So I guess I knew her?

Once inside, tables were pulled together and menus shoved in our faces.   A few more girls came over and said hello – and asked where Miss Tim is.    Odd.  Who are these girls?

Well, it turns out there were a few of the old Mango staff now working there.   I remembered one – but not the others that she pointed out.  Not that I am saying they didn’t work for me, I just didn’t remember.

I always said those girls wouldn’t go far – and I was right.   They went about 100 meters.

The bar has a long roadside bar/bench for a bit of people watching that is always good.   We had too many of us to sit in a line – so the roadside bench was taken up with all the girls.   Sitting under the big sign that say ‘Witches & Wenches’. I wasn’t sure if that was the name of the bar or a description of the girls.

It’s a pity.  Nice new bar.   Everything looking nice and out of place in Soi 4 – and it’s spoiled by having a load of hogs stink the place up.   Still,   some people like that I guess?

It wasn’t bad in there.  And I must say I’d rather sit in a new, clean, tidy bar than an old stinky run down bar.   So we stayed there instead of going into the Tavern.

Franks hero is Simon Cowell

With Soi 4 undergoing a bit of redevelopment lately – we thought we’d stay with the theme of new bars – and headed to the new Hilary Bar.    Now, I am not a fan of Hilary Bar.   GM is a big fan for some reason unknown to me?

He claims he goes to see the band.  Having heard the band, I can’t say I am a fan.  In fact, I’d rather listen to Flanks air guitar than the Hilary Band.

Anyway, into the new bar we went.  Again, nice an new – and pretty nice.  It’s a bit out of the way to get any people watching going on – but then I guess this is a bar for drinkers.

There were a few Freelancers dotted about the place but you’d not go there if you were looking for a girl.

One girl asked me if I wanted to play a game.  Be that pool, jenga or something out of SAW.   I knew whatever it is she was challenging me to, I’d lose.  Thanks but no thanks.

Nice bar, but then I am sure Hilary 2 was a nice bar when that 1st opened up?   I am sure it’ll be a shit hole this time next year.

Lots of bars now are stocking Grey Goose.  This is a good thing.  I think.   Although, it just means I end up drinking more than I should.

From Hilary 19 or whatever it’s called went for a little walk along soi 4 – to Big Dogs.    Just like the previous bar, the name described the workers.   But we were not there for that.

The only place to sit in B.D is the corner.  You get a good view of the street.  Can’t say we were too impressed by the service or the drinks – so after half hour or so we decided to head to Soi 22 and visit an old fave of our – ‘Too Easy Bar’.

Too Easy is a little bar – with friendly staff.   They know us.   And the ones that didn’t know us, didn’t take long to get to know us.   We have a philosophy that if a girl wants a drink, then they have to earn it.  So they did.

Like many bars – trying to please customers with your music is never easy.   The only thing to do is hook up a computer and put youtube on.   The only problem to have then – is that Frank might one day turn up and select a load of Heavy Rocker Punk Screaming of some kind.   It wasn’t long before he pulled his Air instruments out of his pocket and started performing.

Good quality drinks and good measures.  Always good in there.

Time was cracking on and about 6pm saw us wanting to stuff our faces.    Franks performance was cut short and we headed over the road to The Penalty Spot.

Food is good in there.  I think?   I always opt for the Goulash soup which is good.  All other food on the menu could be shit for all I know?

After a feeding, we were starting to sober up and someone suggested a nap.   It may have been me?   But no a nap – which leads to sleeping until the morning.  No, we needed to recharge and then head out.

Only one thing for it……. Pattaya!

Those aboard that are coming aboard…….

My Driver was not far away, so the plan was to pick us up at the hotel at 19:30.   We could have a little nap in the car and be good to go around 21:30.   3-4 hours in Patts should be enough.

What could possibly go wrong?

Another Pattaya in 12……

It had been a while since we did a Pattaya run.    Think it was last year?  Five of us went – and four came back.  That was a good trip.

With Lomeo out of action for the month, it was up to Bubba, GM and myself to head to Patts to see if everything is still ok there.

The plan was to meet at Mullis for lunch and then head off around 1pm.     What’s the deal with Mullis?  It’s always busy.  No matter what time of the day – there are people there.   Which makes me wonder why the staff are not very good at dealing with customers.   The girl serving us had a right face on her. I thought we were lucky to make it out of there alive.

1pm on the dot – we were on the road.  I have a regular driver who I always use for BKK/Patts/HH runs.  Even he remembered the last trip – noting that we lost one guy.  I felt a bit bad, as this guy will be waiting around until 2pm for us – knowing that we’ll be in a right drunken state when he picks us up.

Traffic was good and we were there in no time.     Only held up as we watched the aftermath of a car/pick up crash in the road.   It was odd.. as we could clearly see all the Buddha stuff dangling down from the rear view mirrors of the mangled cars.  I guess their good luck wasn’t working that day?

Where to go in Patts on a Saturday afternoon?   Well,  old ‘Pattayaman’ who knows everything said not to bother with soi 6 as it doesn’t open until 6pm.    As he is an idiot – we got dropped off in soi 6 around 3pm.   It was heaving!

Some new bars have opened up – or some old bars have had a lick of paint?   It’s was quite lively and there was a good buzz about the place.

As per usual… the first thing you do is walk from one end of the road the other and then walk back.

There was a time when soi 6 was scary and full of horrors. Not anymore.   It’s pretty tame and many of the girls are good looking – compared to the trolls that used to be there when not guarding a bridge.

One thing I noticed was that most bars we went in – all stocked Grey Goose Vodka.  A good improvement on last year.  Some of the Vodkas tasted like paint-stripper.

We stumbled across quite a few bars which were pretty good.  Many of the bars have themes and the girls in uniforms.    Why don’t they do that in Nana?   The closest I have seen to a uniform in soi 4 is all the staff in the Hilary Bar with a T-shirt saying  ‘I love Meow’!

Moving on…  we could have stayed in Soi 6 all night.  There are plenty of bars and plenty of girls to keep you entertained.

There is a bar – without the hard-sell girls, (just service staff) called Scooters.    British theme – a Vespa in the corner, pretty decent décor and good music.   This had to be one of the more popular bars by far.   Even without girls.

We must have stopped in half a dozen bars.  Each one had many good looking girls who were all full of life and chatty.  Thinking back,  I don’t recall any of them glued to their iPhone.

I should have made a note of the bar names, but lets be honest, do you look a the name of the bar or do you look at the girls outside the bar?    They’re all very similar and each one was pretty much on par with the other.    Soi 6 has definitely improved over the years.

Another bar we had a few drinks at was on Beach Road.  You know the type.  The big beach bars which just sell booze in large quantities.   Looking at the customers – it is a place where people just sit and get tanked up. Many people on their own drinking.    If I ever end up like that, someone kill me.

Now, with most bars which are ‘road-side’ – you’ll have people approach you trying to sell crap.   Jeez… I’ve seen so many. I don’t think 3 minutes passed without being pestered to buy some crap.    It was a first for me to see though – when a guy pulled up on his motorcycle/sidecar with a load of food.  He carried a tray of what looked like deep fried mice and walked around the bar trying to sell them.   What’s next?   An Ice-cream van reverse into the bar?  A Butcher slaughtering a cow in the corner?

With plenty of booze poured down our necks – it was getting dark so we decided to hit the streets and head to LK Metro.   It had been a while.

Time has not been kind to LK Metro.  Specifically the quality of girls working there.

I can’t remember the names of the gogo’s, but we went in all the usual big ones.     I can’t say I was impressed.

What is it with the tattoos and piercings?   One bar was full of heavily tattooed girls with loads of shit in their faces (piercings).   It’s not my cup of tea.   It looked like the cast of Sons of Anarchy dancing on a pole in the bar from Dusk til Dawn.  Monsters – the lot of them.     10 years ago – you’d expect these horrors to be beating you up on Soi 6.  Now, they’re on a pole and the normal girls are on soi 6.

Quality of pole dancers has gone down the crapper

Having been on the Grey Goose vodka for most of the day, you kind of get used to the taste – or how it should taste.   So in one bar when a vodka arrived that tasted like paint stripper – I knew it wasn’t right.   Fook knows what it was?  The cheapest nastiest fluid ever to carry the Vodka label that’s for sure.

I couldn’t drink it.   But then  I had probably had enough.  It was by then I was feeling pretty drunk and had to make my way to the toilets where I proceeded to vomit.

Being the type of person I am – I tend to clean everything up when I throw up.   That toilet cubicle has never looked so clean after I had finished with it.

I wasn’t sure what made me throw up.  I’d like to think it was the amount of booze I had thrown down my neck.  If not, it was the sight of all the ugly Rocky horror show rejects that were prancing around on stage.  Or the shit vodka?

From LK we headed to Walking Street.

Anyone been there lately?  It’s turning into Bangla Road.  Full of Tourists (and why not?) – but the holiday type of Tourists, not the party type (if that makes sense?).

Where there are Tourists – there are people selling crap to Tourists.  Sunglasses, wooden frogs, DVD’s, Maps of Thailand, fake watches and Dildos.

After buying a few Dildos for Lomeo and Jonas – we headed (I think) into Soi Diamond.    Can’t remember the name of the bar?    It was pretty dire if I remember.  By that time of night I think we were all past our peak and the thought of food and a nap was more appealing than have some scantily clad girl slap us with a foam tube.

We were done.

It was around 1am when my Driver pulled up outside Kentucky Fried McBurger King.

The journey back to Bangkok took less than 10 minutes.   Well, that about as much as we remember of the journey.

To sum it up…  yeah it was a good time.  We’ve had better – but we’ve also had a lot worse.

For future trips I think I’ll give LK & Walking Street a miss. Too busy and too many weirdo skanks.

I’d keep to the Soi’s off Beach Road.   You could easily  spend a whole night on soi 6.

But the main thing I will take away from that trip – is the price.  Pattaya is soooo much cheaper than Bangkok.  For the 1st time ever I arrived home with a  pile of cash in my pocket.   – and Dildo.

Smokey and the BKKPD

Those (smokers) of you familiar with Bangkok, specifically Soi 4 will be aware of the Cigarette Police who slap you with a 2000bht fine if you chuck your Butt on the floor and stamp it out.

Police have even been known to follow a smoker if they see them walking down the street. It’s easy money. I am sure all Fines go into the system and not into their pockets. I am sure of that… I really, really am….

I am not a smoker – and if I am honest, I think all smokers are selfish twats. Those that come and smoke all over me when I am eating or breathing that is.

But, putting my hatred aside I am going to reveal how smokers could get one-up on the Cops.

The other day I spotted the ‘Portable Ashtray’! It’s on a keyring which is handy. Just loop that through your jeans. Unless you’re an American and there is no room on your jeans as you have a cell phone holder strapped to them.

And there is more… why don’t the street vendors sell these? Instead of ‘Gob stopper man’ selling those stupid oversized Zippo lighters – he could sell these instead. The best part  is that as he’s knocking on a bit,  all he has to do is sit himself outside the Police booth and wait for the Cops to bring him customers.

After all, after just paying out 2000bht to the Cops ‘fund’ – shelling out 50bht on this little beauty would be a worthwhile investment.