What were we thinking? That we are 21? That 60+ bars means we only have to average 30 drinks over the 2 days we had allocated to the crawl? That we can handle our drinks? Oh what fools.
Back in the day when we arranged the Cowboy crawl.. there was a huge turn out. The group of 15+ was broken down into smaller groups and not everyone go to chat to each other. By the end of the night there were only 4 people standing. One of those (apart from myself) was Kiwi Mike.
Kiwi Mike was the 1st to sign up for the Soi 6 Patts crawl. Several others put their names down and one or two talked the talk but never showed. Disappointing really.
The night before the event, there were 7 of us ready. Three of those dropped out due to a dental op, a hangover and I can only guess what kind of mess one of the other guys was in. – He did call me at 8pm on the 1st day (from Bangkok) and asked what time the Crawl starts. He lost a day somewhere.
Arriving on soi 6 at 2pm, Kiwi Mike and his pal ‘Sparky’ were ready and waiting for me. Sparky was sucking on a bottle of water – recovering from the night before. Kiwi Mike was straight on the beer.
A quick feed in the Queen Vic and it was off to the starting line where Gamblin Man was meeting us.
The plan was to have a drink in each bar on soi 6. And by bar – we mean ‘bar’. Not restaurants or cafes. A bar should have music and girls. And booze of course. However, we don’t condone this kind of binge-drinking, so if you didn’t want an alcoholic beverage that was fine. Have a water or a coke. However, if we went into a bar which immediately was not for us – we defaulted to ‘Tequila Rose’. A quick shot and out. Oh how I will be eternally grateful to the inventor of that drink. But also hope I never drink another as long as I live.
If there is anything we can take away from the experience…..
There are 2 or 3 toilets that are amazingly clean, the nicest staff working are at the Bandidos bar and that’s it’s easier to crack the enigma code machine than it is to get a drinks order of 4 correct.
And so it begins……
This is by no means a review of each bar and our intention was to just sum up our opinions in a few words. Believe me when I say we were amazed at how many bars messed up our drinks orders. We are not going to name the bars – as we can’t remember them all. But I’d say around 50% easily.
There was no way we could record all the details… Every effort was made to record anything significant. I ‘think’ we captured all bars. If any were missing from the original map, this is because they have gone bust and were now a 7/11.
Also note that as the crawl went on, we got drunk. So asking someone what they thought of a bar after drinking 30 vodkas… well, they’d be forgiven if they said all the staff were stunning!
La La Land – Absolute Horrors! Girls were slapping on the make-up like they were getting ready to take on Batman.
– The 1st round was paid for by Debtstar, who couldn’t make it, but was with us in spirit. Seriously, it kinda knocked us sideways that someone would paypal money over for a round of drinks. There are nice people left in this world.
We raised our glasses to our drinks provider and I recalled one of Debtstars experiences in Bangkok some years ago… with an African girl.
Kiss Kool – Girls we not the best looking in the world. Actually, nearer the ugliest. Used to be full of sofas – now has a pool table. There is a Chopper mounted on a plinth. Something to look at.
Still on Debtstars dime….. And still mulling over what he did with that African girl.
Dolls – closed (we added that to the bottom of the list)
Halifax – Basically just a short-time shop. Nothing exciting. 30 mins behind 3pm – still in disbelief over the African girl.
Scooters – Great bunch of girls here. From the cashier to the waitresses. – I was staying here and at 500bht per night – well, it’s cheap as chips!
Red Point – Usual scene of girls sitting outside, eating and drinking. Kiwi Mike stole some kind of yoghurt drink out of a girls hand – which (we think) meant for her to follow him in. Personally, I think Kiwi Mike was just thirsty as he spent the next 15 minutes avoiding her.
Lot’s of girls in there had been under the knife. Some under the surgeons knife and had some big silicolne boobies and other girls had been using the cake knife and had big everything else.
Toy Bar – Fun girls. There were a bunch of Chinese lads on the next table – asking the girls to perform a BJ at the table. The girls advised that this kind of service doesn’t happen in any of the bars in Thailand. However, if such a thing were on offer, they are sure they’d use the rooms out the back. The Chinese guys we having none of it and as they could not all watch their friend get sucked off, – fucked off!
Night Wish – The boys liked this bar – but I didn’t. Lots of the girls were heavily tattooed up but one serving us had piercings in both cheeks. She had more metal in her face than a Terminator, ugly cow. Complete turn off.
The Clansman – The 1st sign of Ladyboys. It was time to have the 1st shot of Tequila Rose and get out of there. Time stamp was 16:35.
Smoke & Kiss – Old hogs. Sparky was elbow deep in some girls noodles. He was in a world of his own by now and was getting stuck in to all the bar girls. At some point he was wearing some kind of feather tiara?
At this point.. we had found our groove. Kiwi Mike and I were taking lead. Finding out the name of the bar, ordering and then re-ordering the drinks and then scribbling something down in our little notebook. Sparky was making the most of it all. Feeling up all the bar girls and having lots of fun with them. Not a care in the world. All he had to do was follow us when we moved to the next bar. GamblinMan… well, he seemed to be more interested in some live Facebook feed of his girlfriend.
Wicked – Heavily tattooed. Great girls. At this point we started noticing the names of the bars wifi names – which was quite amusing (creampie and the like). Hanging out the front, we saw some guy selling Bikinis. One of the girls said she liked the bright red bikini. Sparky said he’d buy it for her if she models it for him. 250bht later we were all ogling the rather hot girl in the bar…wearing the bikini.
Horny Bar – Uglies. Young looking. T.R and out! Many of these bars had the tv/sound-system hooked upto youtube. And lots playing Thai music. Yes, they are Thai and like listening to Thai music – but we are not Thai’s and don’t like listening to that noise. And as the aim is to have us in their bar – spending money, having Thai music blaring out is not quite the way to go.
Miss B Havin – Miserable girls. – Thai music.
At this point, I must explain that it was not easy keeping track of who was buying drinks. Refreshingly, we were all trying to buy the drinks instead of trying to avoid paying.
Each time we ordered – we asked for one bin… and got 4. More often than not we just paid a separate or combined bill that was presented to us.
Chili Bar – 2 drinks in my bin. I handed over 1000bht and received 80bht change!! I kicked off. As soon as I perked up with ‘hang on a fuckin minute’… the girl immediately knew what I was talking about and the cashier produced the missing notes. If I were a cynic, I’d have said this was pre-planned. But of course, this never happens in any bars. Certainly not in Pattaya.
Where Angels Play – Time stamp..18:50 Good drinking bar – Fat chicks.
Kawaii Bar – Tequila Rose and out. Generic bar – shite
Pump Station 3 – We asked for 4 Tequila Rose’s. The girl produced 4 Tequilas. When we pushed back, cashier screwed her face up at us. We gave her the benefit of the doubt and paid for them anyway – and also 4 Tequila Roses. Still she had a face like a smacked bum. The Owner/Manager was in the bar and tried to make small talk. I gave him a word of advice – “tell your girls to smile once in a while”.
Ruby Club Pattaya – Busy. Very busy. The busiest bar we had seen so far. We later found that some poor chap was killed there a few days prior – but that’s no reason for it to be busy. We thought about it a while.. as it was all blokes and didn’t really spot any girls. I then got the bill for my Vidka. 85bht compared to the 130 in all other bars. Ah… cheap. That’s why it’s full of people. (cheap bastards)
Lisa Bar – Friendly bar. The girls dressed up – uniforms and thigh-length boots. Looked good. By this time Sparky was on the way to drunksville and was wanting to know where Lisa was? – we never found her.
Hero Bar – fit ladies. (sorry.. that was all that was written in the book!)
Pat Bar – crap. Generic – non-descript
Candy Bar – shite
Sky Bar – coke.. drunk.
Quicky Bar – Generic
As you have probably noticed, my notes were getting a little shorter. I can only put this down to being drunk and having to spend most of the time keeping an eye on Sparky.
Foxy Bar – Time stamp….20:45 Full of twats!
Roxy Bar – Appeared as bar for Pattaya expats. The kind of people we avoid. Tequila Rose and out.
Bull Dog – Nothing special. Typical bar, nothing exciting.
Offshore Bar – Snotty bitches. Many of these bars around here – had girls that paid no attention to us. I can only assume they all had regular punters which they were only interested in?
Sex in the City – Nothing special – Tequila Rose and out.
Soho – Crap. Again, these bars are all pretty much the same.
At this point GamblinMan had thrown in the towel. He was drunk and getting rowdy. We explained that we had only half a dozen bars to go – be he saw that as 6 more Tequila Rose shots. Off he went.
With GM out of the picture… Sparky decided he’d had enough too. Well sort of. He was dribbling, talking funny, groping girls and ogling ladyboys. We thought this would all stop when he joined us on the bar crawl. So with him pretty much a wreck, Kiwi Mike escorted him back to his hotel (ish) which was just round the corner. Good Samaritan that Kiwi Mike is – stopped off at 7/11 for water, red bull, paracetamol and KY Jelly. Play safe kids.
When Kiwi Mike joined me again in the bar – we set off to the next. Oh how joyful and excited we were when we found we had to walk several shop-fronts to the next bar. It was such a relief to be able to walk more than 30 seconds before facing another bloody drink.
O Bar – The entry I have in the book is ‘no one got killed’ – by this time we were drunk and ‘maybe’ a little rowdy? Don’t know?
Perry Bar – Seriously drunk now. We could see the end in sight. Power on. I think it was time for a soft drink. I have no record of this bar other than ‘twatted’ written in the book
Mods – sorry… no idea?
3 Angel – What’s with the ‘3’ in these bars names? Maybe it was the amount of drinks they could order without getting it wrong? I remember this bar pretty well – as we thought we had stepped into the Bronx. Full of boyz from the hood. Didn’t look too friendly and welcoming if I am honest. We didn’t care. We were at the stage where we could take on the world. We decided against that – and after a Tequila Rose – off we went.
The Good Fellas – This bar saved me from a world of pain the next day. It was this bar that I vomited in. In the restrooms I might add. It was biblical. All sorts of colours and thicknesses. Oh how I thanked my lucky stars that all of this horrid booze was out of me! – Still managed a vodka though.
Thai Rose – thank fuck it’s over. The last bar on this side of the soi. That was the goal of the day. We were done and we knew it. A quick shot and we headed back to Scooters. The time was 22:10.
36 bars in 8 hours. It’s not big and it’s not clever.
Back to Scooters to gather our thoughts. Turns out we didn’t have too many thoughts so Kiwi Mike and I both decided to do the right thing and go to our beds. Tomorrow was another day. Tomorrow – was the second and final part of our soi 6 challenge which I for one was not looking forward to.
To be continued……