Sleeping at the Mall (well, the hotel above it)

It’s that time again.   After a month of R&R it’s time to head back to work.

Thing is, I don’t go direct to work…. I stop off in Bangkok and Dubai on the way.   And why not?

Plenty of Rats about this weekend, so 3 nights in Bangkok should be plenty of time to catch up.  All that’s needed is a Hotel.  Some of you may know about my ongoing quest to find the perfect hotel.  The other month I thought I found it – The Landmark near soi 4.    I do like it.  The only thing I am not too keen on are the prices of the room service and the cafe out front. Still, premium hotels command premium prices I guess?

So it was almost the Landmark Hotel that was to accommodate us – until Miss Tim suggested we give Grande Center Point at Terminal 21.     A good suggestion as we planned to spend a lot of time in the T21 shops, restaurants and cinema.  Also handy for Cowboy.    All good arguments for staying there, but whar really swung it was the website advert said the rooms have a FREE MINIBAR!   Oooo yes.  Take my money now.

All in all.. with the tax, hidden charges, hidden tax, made up tax and ++ of something else, the Grande Delux Room worked out 5,500 bht per night.    Similar to the Landmark – but the Landmark doesn’t have a free minibar.  Now,  I don’t want to sound like a Trip Advisor review – but this might be handy for those of you who maybe looking for a decent hotel in these parts.

Check-in was a breeze.  All I had to do was sign my name and we were shown to the room.   Pretty nice.  Bigger than the Landmark, great views, modern and comfy.

Can’t say I was impressed with the Free Minibar.

Was this the free minibar or what the last guests left behind?

Room Service menu is not bad and is not overpriced.  A burger/fries cost 240 and a Spag Bol 200 bht.  Not bad, not bad at all.

The best part the hotel is the location….  you can go from the Lobby into the Shopping Mall.  No BTS, no sidewalks, no taxi’s… no people!   I’ll forgive them the minibar for that alone.

Room with a view…

I’m one of those people that do tend to spend time in the hotel room, rather than sitting in any bar that is open all day.  It’s a nice room and pleasant to stay in.  Sitting on my computer, looking over Asoke area 22 floors up.  Yeah,  nice.

Very pleasant stay indeed.   T21 –  I’ll be back.


If I were to pop to the shops to pick up a loaf of bread – and didn’t return for 3 days,  I’d have some explaining to do.  The girlfriend, quite rightly would not be happy.    I’d have to gloss over many details but would have to come up with a convincing story that ‘nothing happened’.

I’d have been making up a story as I walked home, rubbing glitter and cheap perfume off my forehead ready to offer up as an excuse.

The girlfriend would be demanding answers.  Where did I go?  Who was I with?  What did I do?  Where did I sleep? How much did I spend?  Where is my underwear? Where did I get that tattoo from?  You get the idea.

I am sure if the locks on the house were hers – she’d have thought of changing them.

I’d explain that I met up with a pal, we went to a bar,  I drank too much,  my phone died, I lost track of time, my pal borrowed the money I had on me, we got some food,  I fell I’ll and slept on his sofa until now.  You know how it goes.

If she didn’t buy it, she’d ask who my ‘pal’ was.  She knows most of them.  She also knows that of my friends,  I am usually the bad influence.   If I told her I was out with certain Rats…. she’d smell one.

Unless that is,  I was out with Jonas!     There would be no story, no explaining, no lies, no apologies.   All I need say was…   “I bumped into Jonas”.     Miss Tim would understand.

She’d also assume we just got drunk and fell asleep in a bar.   Most of the time she’d be right.

We miss that crazy Swede bastard.   It’s been a year since he left Thailand and returned to his Motherland with his Daughter.   Why leave?   Well, simple.  He wanted a better life for his Daughter.

Very noble.  I want to leave Thailand because I am sick of having to walk in the road because some Thai has set up a food stall on the sidewalk.

We’re still in touch and Jonas is doing well. Decent job,  nice apartment, car, playstation…etc.. all the things which not many people have in Thailand.

Last week I flew to the UK to ride my motorbikes one last time until next Spring.   Just as it takes a couple of hours to get to Pattaya  – it takes a few hours to fly to Sweden.    Why not?

Thursday night I caught one of the few flights that Ryan Air hadn’t cancelled and flew to Sweden.   It’s cold.  But a good cold.  Lovely fresh air. Great.

I only had 2 nights.  The plan was to have a catch up on Thursday night – then hit the town on Friday night and fly back to the UK on Saturday morning.  Simples.

It was late on Thursday by the time we got to Jonas’s apartment.    There were no parking spaces available – so we had to park a few blocks away.   After stuffing our faces and talking the times Jonas would spend 200bht under the bridge in Sukhumvit – we crashed for the night.

Bright and early Friday morning.  9am.    The whole day ahead.   Bit of relaxing and then head out.  First things first though,  lets go and get the car and park it out front.  Off into the cold fresh air we went.

It’s odd seeing Jonas outside of Thailand.  Yeah, we’ve partied in London and Dubai together – but Jonas in his homeland is a lot different.  He wears shoes (not flipflops)  has jeans, sweaters and even has a Credit card.  Just like a grown up!

Going to move the car a couple of blocks should have taken 5 mins.   14 hours later we were smashed and heading to a strip club.

Rewind a little…

With the car parked – we thought it such a nice morning so we decided on a little walk into town to have a coffee and a croissant.  That’s what grown-ups do right?

The coffee shop was cool.  Good place to people watch. Disappointing that I never saw 1 tall blonde Swedish girl the whole time I was there.  I guess they’re all making porn somewhere?

The coffee shop sold Cider.   So we had a few.  After all, it’s fruit and we’re supposed to have 5 a day.

From there – we headed to a Sports bar.  It was coming upto Lunchtime – so thought we’d hit the cocktails.  More fruit portions mixed with Vodka.  How healthy are we?

And this is where it gets a little cloudy.   We were there for hours.  Chucking all sorts of booze down our necks.  We had the barman make us all sorts of things.  I’d like to say they were nice but I’d be lying.

From there we went to Jonas’s pals bar/restaurant.   Dennis remembered me from the Mango which he had visited in the past.  Nice guy – great little bar with awesome smelling food.   Food which was not for us though.  You don’t put solids in a hydraulic machine after all.

More shots followed.   The bar/restaurant was a little ‘hi-so’ for us to be falling around and farting in – so we decided to head to a bar closer to Jonas’s apartment.

Again, a good little bar and we struck up conversation with the Turkish owner.  He gave us some free shots which almost sent us blind.  The barmaid was cool too.   By 10pm we were smashed.  What next?  Well,  a strip club of course.

We’d head back to the apartment and freshen up – then head back out.     I had 7am flight, so there was plenty of time.

10pm is a little early to hit a strip club though, so we came up with the bright idea of having a little power-nap.

You guessed it.   We woke up several hours later.   Just as it was time for me to jump on a bus to the airport.

Of course… I would say that wouldn’t I?

Now back in the UK.   Weather is good.  Time to get out on those bikes.

Pattaya Trip – by boat!

I am starting to think that we are now battle-hardened veterans of Thailand.   What we used to think was all exciting, scary and dangerous, is all just an average Sunday afternoon.    Yes,  I am talking about Pattaya soi 6.

Let me wind it back a little…   I arrived back in Thailand a few weeks ago.  The Rats were planning on meeting for a recon mission in Pattaya – ahead of a planned bar crawl in a few months.

Now, when we usually go to Pattaya, I get up early in the morning (in HH),  taxi to Bangkok to meet the Rats, spot of lunch and then another taxi to Pattaya.   By the time we get to Pattaya I’ve been up 7 hours and am 5k in the hole.  And that’s just the start of the day.

This time however,  I thought it was time I take the Ferry!

The ferry has been in operation about 10 months now (I think) and started off at 2 trips per day.  That’s now down to 1.    Because of that,  it meant I had to over-night it in Pattaya.  Damn shame that.  Instead of getting a cab back to Bangkok – Hua Hin I’d save time and money and get the Ferry back in the morning!. Perfect!

The Ferry leaves HH at 1pm and returns the next day at 10am.   I checked out the Ferry terminal the day before with the intention of purchasing a ticket incase it’s a popular trip.  – It isn’t.

The old crab working at the Ferry counter said I could not purchase a ticket unless I provided a passport.  Why?  Where was this Ferry going exactly?!    I tried to argue that I can purchase a airline ticket to anywhere in the world without providing a passport but she was having none of it.   Now,  I can understand that passport details must be provided before I get on the Ferry incase it sinks and the authorities need to know who is now fish-food – but this can be done before getting on the boat.  No need to stop things before the event.  Has no one actually figured it out that all they need to do is make sure you produce a passport before getting on the boat?  I left empty handed.

There are 3 seating choices available.   Economy – which is full of the Chinese and Thai’s,  Business, which has the odd Farrang in – and the VIP room which has no one in.

For 1500 each way,  I went for the Business seat.   Now, I could beat up on the Ferry Operators – but there is no point.  I am sure they are trying their best to make it a professional and pleasurable experience for their passengers.   What I don’t like though,  is that their brochure is riddled with typos.  Surely they would have had a Farrang proof-read it before it went to publishing?!   What else have they over-looked?!

When the Ferry arrived,  I couldn’t help but notice the crew were all wearing hard-hats.  On a boat.  I didn’t see anything over-head, so I am not sure why they were wearing them?  These people probably take off their hardhats when they get on their motor-bikes afterwork?!

beware falling rocks?

The Business Class seats were o.k.  Only two other people on the top deck.  Perfect.  A little nap and 20 minutes more than the claimed 2 hour journey and we arrived in Patts.

The Rats were at a bar on soi 6 – so I grabbed the nearest mototcy taxi and 10 mins after arriving at port I was slinging a Grey Goose down my neck.

The plan was to stay on soi 6 and have a proper look.   The usual walk up and down took place.   Shit.  There are a lot of bars.   This crawl really isn’t going to be completed in 1 day.

We chose Scooters as our Hub.  Turns out, they have rooms upstairs.   The rooms are small but clean.  Size doesn’t matter (I keep telling myself this) – as all I intended on doing there was passing out later on.  It had aircon, TV, fridge, shower/crapper and double bed.   All that for………..500bht!   How is that even possible?!

Popular with the French…

With our overnight bags stowed – we hit the street.

Ah, what a street!    There is something about it.  It’s fun.  It’s alive.  There is an energy, atmosphere and an intrigue about the place.

There was a time when the soi was filled with hogs.  A place where Ripley Believe it or Not would recruit.  It’s no longer like that.   There are plenty of nice girls there now.  Many are dressed in uniforms.  The girls look clean and respectable and the bars all stock premium booze.

We hit as many of the bars as possible.  I am not going to list each one – I’ll save that for the bar crawl.

At one point we thought it best to have some food – so went to the Queen Victoria Inn.   Inside, you’d never think you were in soi 6.  It’s a total Oasis.  Full of old codgers having a drink or food and not a bar girl/boy in sight.    The food is good and the prices were dirt cheap.   Really,  soi 6 takes some beating.

As the last bars closed up – we thought we would keep in with the ‘sleezy’ theme of Pattaya and head down beach road… beach side.

Once again, we were pleasantly surprised – if not a little disappointed.  Gone were the street urchins that would hang upside down by their feet.  There were no call to us form the shadows,  no girls huddled around a pipe looking over their shoulders.   Yeah, there were girls, but most of them looked liked that had come to beach road after the bar they worked in closed for the night.

After a mile or so walk… we found ourselves back at Scooters and hit the sack for the night – in our little rooms.   The plan was to do breakfast at 8am – as I had to be back on the boat at 10am.

Many people recall that soi 6 (and beach road) was scary back in the day.   That day has long gone.   Not so long ago, Rolln mentioned that he felt quite intimidated on soi 6 – which seemed odd to me.  Those of you know Rolln will know that on Halloween, Dracula dresses up as Rolln to scare his pals.

So yes,  it was a place for the ‘initiated’.  No longer.  It’s actually not a bad night out. Preferable to Walking Street and LK Monster.

Unless that is,  we are just ‘ruined’ veterans and nothing makes our toes curl anymore?


They see me Crawlin…. they hatin….

We’ve done the Soi  Cowboy bar crawl.  We’ve done the soi4 crawl.   What’s next?

Well, has anyone tried the soi 6 craw?   And I don’t mean Sukhumvit.   I am talking Pattaya!

Plans are in motion for a soi 6 bar crawl.  Not sure when… in the next few months when peoples schedules align.

Lots of bars in one night.  More than Cowboy.   I think this may have to be a 2 day event.

More details to follow…..  Who’s in?

Thanks to the guys at Bangkok-Eyes for providing the above map!




Quiet afternoon on soi 4

A week after Pattaya, we decided to regroup in Soi 4.    Hooters.

Has Hooters lost it’s appeal?  Didn’t seem so interesting this time for some reason.    After a few drinks, we usually opt for a bottle, but this time we just couldn’t see ourselves being there long enough.

Bubba and I were sinking a few Vodkas, talking about how the Hooters girls of gone from lovely looking girls with big hooters, to weathered girls with big tattoos – when we were approached by what I can only describe as a trainee Terminator.  It was Flank.   Dressed in black.  Black clothes, black tattoos, black jewellery and black eyes.

Frank has seen the sun beaming off my bald head over at Big Dogs, so he and his gf came and joined us.   Not long after, GM turned up with another pal.

A number of drinks were slung down our necks,  but not before we had the chance to purchase 13 pairs of sunglasses and a new iPhone 9 from the street vendors.   Oh, and a couple of Dildos for Lomeo and Jonas.

black… I want them all black…

With a few of us in tow, it was only right to go to another bar which doesn’t issue discount cards and then revoke them a few weeks after.

I don’t know the name of it – but there is a new(ish) bar on the corner just past Hanrahans.    A little quirky even.

We piled in there – filling the place up.  Tables together and started ordering booze.  Being a small bar – the speakers were right in our ears which was less than pleasing for me.   Flank wasn’t complaining and starting playing air guitar or air drums. I can’t remember which.

Not a bad little bar really.   A couple of staff were loitering around but not making a nuisance of themselves.  The only thing that put me off the bar was the stools.  They were that cheap metal crap.  Reminded me of garden furniture.  Not comfy at all.

However, it wasn’t a bad little bar and the only reason we moved on was to get a change of scenery.    After Flank put his air instruments away we headed to Witches and Wenches – or something like that?  It used to be the 7/11 opposite the old Mango soi.

Upon arrival I received a ‘Whaaaaaaa….. Khun Gray-ham’.   – So I guess I knew her?

Once inside, tables were pulled together and menus shoved in our faces.   A few more girls came over and said hello – and asked where Miss Tim is.    Odd.  Who are these girls?

Well, it turns out there were a few of the old Mango staff now working there.   I remembered one – but not the others that she pointed out.  Not that I am saying they didn’t work for me, I just didn’t remember.

I always said those girls wouldn’t go far – and I was right.   They went about 100 meters.

The bar has a long roadside bar/bench for a bit of people watching that is always good.   We had too many of us to sit in a line – so the roadside bench was taken up with all the girls.   Sitting under the big sign that say ‘Witches & Wenches’. I wasn’t sure if that was the name of the bar or a description of the girls.

It’s a pity.  Nice new bar.   Everything looking nice and out of place in Soi 4 – and it’s spoiled by having a load of hogs stink the place up.   Still,   some people like that I guess?

It wasn’t bad in there.  And I must say I’d rather sit in a new, clean, tidy bar than an old stinky run down bar.   So we stayed there instead of going into the Tavern.

Franks hero is Simon Cowell

With Soi 4 undergoing a bit of redevelopment lately – we thought we’d stay with the theme of new bars – and headed to the new Hilary Bar.    Now, I am not a fan of Hilary Bar.   GM is a big fan for some reason unknown to me?

He claims he goes to see the band.  Having heard the band, I can’t say I am a fan.  In fact, I’d rather listen to Flanks air guitar than the Hilary Band.

Anyway, into the new bar we went.  Again, nice an new – and pretty nice.  It’s a bit out of the way to get any people watching going on – but then I guess this is a bar for drinkers.

There were a few Freelancers dotted about the place but you’d not go there if you were looking for a girl.

One girl asked me if I wanted to play a game.  Be that pool, jenga or something out of SAW.   I knew whatever it is she was challenging me to, I’d lose.  Thanks but no thanks.

Nice bar, but then I am sure Hilary 2 was a nice bar when that 1st opened up?   I am sure it’ll be a shit hole this time next year.

Lots of bars now are stocking Grey Goose.  This is a good thing.  I think.   Although, it just means I end up drinking more than I should.

From Hilary 19 or whatever it’s called went for a little walk along soi 4 – to Big Dogs.    Just like the previous bar, the name described the workers.   But we were not there for that.

The only place to sit in B.D is the corner.  You get a good view of the street.  Can’t say we were too impressed by the service or the drinks – so after half hour or so we decided to head to Soi 22 and visit an old fave of our – ‘Too Easy Bar’.

Too Easy is a little bar – with friendly staff.   They know us.   And the ones that didn’t know us, didn’t take long to get to know us.   We have a philosophy that if a girl wants a drink, then they have to earn it.  So they did.

Like many bars – trying to please customers with your music is never easy.   The only thing to do is hook up a computer and put youtube on.   The only problem to have then – is that Frank might one day turn up and select a load of Heavy Rocker Punk Screaming of some kind.   It wasn’t long before he pulled his Air instruments out of his pocket and started performing.

Good quality drinks and good measures.  Always good in there.

Time was cracking on and about 6pm saw us wanting to stuff our faces.    Franks performance was cut short and we headed over the road to The Penalty Spot.

Food is good in there.  I think?   I always opt for the Goulash soup which is good.  All other food on the menu could be shit for all I know?

After a feeding, we were starting to sober up and someone suggested a nap.   It may have been me?   But no a nap – which leads to sleeping until the morning.  No, we needed to recharge and then head out.

Only one thing for it……. Pattaya!

Those aboard that are coming aboard…….

My Driver was not far away, so the plan was to pick us up at the hotel at 19:30.   We could have a little nap in the car and be good to go around 21:30.   3-4 hours in Patts should be enough.

What could possibly go wrong?

Another Pattaya in 12……

It had been a while since we did a Pattaya run.    Think it was last year?  Five of us went – and four came back.  That was a good trip.

With Lomeo out of action for the month, it was up to Bubba, GM and myself to head to Patts to see if everything is still ok there.

The plan was to meet at Mullis for lunch and then head off around 1pm.     What’s the deal with Mullis?  It’s always busy.  No matter what time of the day – there are people there.   Which makes me wonder why the staff are not very good at dealing with customers.   The girl serving us had a right face on her. I thought we were lucky to make it out of there alive.

1pm on the dot – we were on the road.  I have a regular driver who I always use for BKK/Patts/HH runs.  Even he remembered the last trip – noting that we lost one guy.  I felt a bit bad, as this guy will be waiting around until 2pm for us – knowing that we’ll be in a right drunken state when he picks us up.

Traffic was good and we were there in no time.     Only held up as we watched the aftermath of a car/pick up crash in the road.   It was odd.. as we could clearly see all the Buddha stuff dangling down from the rear view mirrors of the mangled cars.  I guess their good luck wasn’t working that day?

Where to go in Patts on a Saturday afternoon?   Well,  old ‘Pattayaman’ who knows everything said not to bother with soi 6 as it doesn’t open until 6pm.    As he is an idiot – we got dropped off in soi 6 around 3pm.   It was heaving!

Some new bars have opened up – or some old bars have had a lick of paint?   It’s was quite lively and there was a good buzz about the place.

As per usual… the first thing you do is walk from one end of the road the other and then walk back.

There was a time when soi 6 was scary and full of horrors. Not anymore.   It’s pretty tame and many of the girls are good looking – compared to the trolls that used to be there when not guarding a bridge.

One thing I noticed was that most bars we went in – all stocked Grey Goose Vodka.  A good improvement on last year.  Some of the Vodkas tasted like paint-stripper.

We stumbled across quite a few bars which were pretty good.  Many of the bars have themes and the girls in uniforms.    Why don’t they do that in Nana?   The closest I have seen to a uniform in soi 4 is all the staff in the Hilary Bar with a T-shirt saying  ‘I love Meow’!

Moving on…  we could have stayed in Soi 6 all night.  There are plenty of bars and plenty of girls to keep you entertained.

There is a bar – without the hard-sell girls, (just service staff) called Scooters.    British theme – a Vespa in the corner, pretty decent décor and good music.   This had to be one of the more popular bars by far.   Even without girls.

We must have stopped in half a dozen bars.  Each one had many good looking girls who were all full of life and chatty.  Thinking back,  I don’t recall any of them glued to their iPhone.

I should have made a note of the bar names, but lets be honest, do you look a the name of the bar or do you look at the girls outside the bar?    They’re all very similar and each one was pretty much on par with the other.    Soi 6 has definitely improved over the years.

Another bar we had a few drinks at was on Beach Road.  You know the type.  The big beach bars which just sell booze in large quantities.   Looking at the customers – it is a place where people just sit and get tanked up. Many people on their own drinking.    If I ever end up like that, someone kill me.

Now, with most bars which are ‘road-side’ – you’ll have people approach you trying to sell crap.   Jeez… I’ve seen so many. I don’t think 3 minutes passed without being pestered to buy some crap.    It was a first for me to see though – when a guy pulled up on his motorcycle/sidecar with a load of food.  He carried a tray of what looked like deep fried mice and walked around the bar trying to sell them.   What’s next?   An Ice-cream van reverse into the bar?  A Butcher slaughtering a cow in the corner?

With plenty of booze poured down our necks – it was getting dark so we decided to hit the streets and head to LK Metro.   It had been a while.

Time has not been kind to LK Metro.  Specifically the quality of girls working there.

I can’t remember the names of the gogo’s, but we went in all the usual big ones.     I can’t say I was impressed.

What is it with the tattoos and piercings?   One bar was full of heavily tattooed girls with loads of shit in their faces (piercings).   It’s not my cup of tea.   It looked like the cast of Sons of Anarchy dancing on a pole in the bar from Dusk til Dawn.  Monsters – the lot of them.     10 years ago – you’d expect these horrors to be beating you up on Soi 6.  Now, they’re on a pole and the normal girls are on soi 6.

Quality of pole dancers has gone down the crapper

Having been on the Grey Goose vodka for most of the day, you kind of get used to the taste – or how it should taste.   So in one bar when a vodka arrived that tasted like paint stripper – I knew it wasn’t right.   Fook knows what it was?  The cheapest nastiest fluid ever to carry the Vodka label that’s for sure.

I couldn’t drink it.   But then  I had probably had enough.  It was by then I was feeling pretty drunk and had to make my way to the toilets where I proceeded to vomit.

Being the type of person I am – I tend to clean everything up when I throw up.   That toilet cubicle has never looked so clean after I had finished with it.

I wasn’t sure what made me throw up.  I’d like to think it was the amount of booze I had thrown down my neck.  If not, it was the sight of all the ugly Rocky horror show rejects that were prancing around on stage.  Or the shit vodka?

From LK we headed to Walking Street.

Anyone been there lately?  It’s turning into Bangla Road.  Full of Tourists (and why not?) – but the holiday type of Tourists, not the party type (if that makes sense?).

Where there are Tourists – there are people selling crap to Tourists.  Sunglasses, wooden frogs, DVD’s, Maps of Thailand, fake watches and Dildos.

After buying a few Dildos for Lomeo and Jonas – we headed (I think) into Soi Diamond.    Can’t remember the name of the bar?    It was pretty dire if I remember.  By that time of night I think we were all past our peak and the thought of food and a nap was more appealing than have some scantily clad girl slap us with a foam tube.

We were done.

It was around 1am when my Driver pulled up outside Kentucky Fried McBurger King.

The journey back to Bangkok took less than 10 minutes.   Well, that about as much as we remember of the journey.

To sum it up…  yeah it was a good time.  We’ve had better – but we’ve also had a lot worse.

For future trips I think I’ll give LK & Walking Street a miss. Too busy and too many weirdo skanks.

I’d keep to the Soi’s off Beach Road.   You could easily  spend a whole night on soi 6.

But the main thing I will take away from that trip – is the price.  Pattaya is soooo much cheaper than Bangkok.  For the 1st time ever I arrived home with a  pile of cash in my pocket.   – and Dildo.

Smokey and the BKKPD

Those (smokers) of you familiar with Bangkok, specifically Soi 4 will be aware of the Cigarette Police who slap you with a 2000bht fine if you chuck your Butt on the floor and stamp it out.

Police have even been known to follow a smoker if they see them walking down the street. It’s easy money. I am sure all Fines go into the system and not into their pockets. I am sure of that… I really, really am….

I am not a smoker – and if I am honest, I think all smokers are selfish twats. Those that come and smoke all over me when I am eating or breathing that is.

But, putting my hatred aside I am going to reveal how smokers could get one-up on the Cops.

The other day I spotted the ‘Portable Ashtray’! It’s on a keyring which is handy. Just loop that through your jeans. Unless you’re an American and there is no room on your jeans as you have a cell phone holder strapped to them.

And there is more… why don’t the street vendors sell these? Instead of ‘Gob stopper man’ selling those stupid oversized Zippo lighters – he could sell these instead. The best part  is that as he’s knocking on a bit,  all he has to do is sit himself outside the Police booth and wait for the Cops to bring him customers.

After all, after just paying out 2000bht to the Cops ‘fund’ – shelling out 50bht on this little beauty would be a worthwhile investment.

Pool Playing….

My month off has now come to an end.   Phew.  Glad to get back to work.  It’s been a somewhat busy month.     Now,  I know this will come as a shock to many people – but I have a few things I am not best pleased about with my time in Thailand.  Instead of one long whinge where I tell how various people need punching in the face – I’ll break it all down into smaller little tales.

Starting off with Pool players….

First of all – if you’re a pool player who thinks they are good.  Let me tell you this now.  You’re not.  You maybe against your pal – but against a seasoned bar-girl.  You can’t play for shit.

For those of you that have been in or visiting Thailand before girls were glued to their phones, the place to be was Gullivers on Soi 5.  With the pool tables at the back occupied by freelancers.  Put your name on the board and the winner stays on.  It was VERY rare to see a Farrang to beat a girl.

More often than not, the girls looked pretty hot in their tight jeans, bending over the tables.   This was their business.  Putting themselves on display.  Some girls use the pole.  These girls used a cue.

Now here is the thing, many afternoons I’d hang out there for a drink and watch guys challenge for a game of pool.  These guys would never talk to the girl.  Never smile.  Never joke.  Certainly not buy the girl a drink.   No.  They would treat each game like it was the most important game in the world.  These guys actually thought they could impress a girl with their pool skills!!.  DICKS.

The pool table is a great tool in which to meet a girl, strike up a conversation and have a laugh with someone you’ve never met before.  Why these people didn’t see that is beyond me?

This is all over Thailand.  For some reason – when a guy is on a pool table, he thinks he is the best in the world and people are impressed.  They’re not.     How many of us have witnessed a guy playing pool – who will suddenly start swinging the pool cue around thinking he is some kind of ninja?   Again, is this something that is supposed to be impressive?   I have no time for these idiots.

To me.. Pool is a GAME.  That is why you PLAY it.   It’s supposed to be fun.

So imagine my need to punch people in the face when I visited a friend of a friends little bar in soi 94 in Hua Hin.  It’s a small shop front bar with a pool table.     As I sat there with Miss Tim and a few pals having a drink, various people arrived – carrying their own Pool Cues.     Why?     Why actually go to the effort of buying a cue and carrying it to a bar to play on an average table with average pool balls?

I dismissed this – as they were all of the more ‘mature’ kind of gentlemen.   After an hour of many of them playing pool with each other, it was apparent that 1) no one spoke with each other and 2) they can’t really play very well at all!.   So what’s the point?   Where is the fun?

But why should I get angry about this?  Well,  aside from the miserable basts playing crap pool with their own cues – they all wear one of those little gloves.  The ones with a few fingers missing.   At first I thought the guys were ex -Jakuza, but it turns out they all think they are professional pool players.

Surely – if you and your opponent are both wearing these soppy little gloves then you both are equal as if you were both not wearing the gloves.  Take them off!   At least you wont look so fucking stupid.

This is like going for a bike ride – but wearing a full Tour de France outfit.   Or going ice skating with your pals and wearing the full spandex suite with helmet and goggles.

But maybe I am alone on this.   Maybe it’s just me that gets frustrated – seeing people who think they’re some kind of professional pool player.   Someone who thinks (when playing the bar girls) the girls are impressed?  But mainly, I get annoyed because the bars have pool tables to generate a good atmosphere and a good time.  To create enjoyment for the customers.   Not to have people fed up and angry because they missed a shot or lost a game.

I tell all my newbie friends when they come here  ‘don’t play pool with the girl unless you are o.k with losing’.   These girls play pool EVERYDAY.  While you are at home – with the wife and kids.  When you’re at work or sleeping – they’re probably playing pool.

Use the pool table as a social tool.   A tool which you can use to talk to a girl.  Have a laugh even?

When thinking about it – a girl on a pool table is probably the longest I’ve ever seen one not use their phone.

Motoring in Thailand. How hard can it be?

Two weeks into my 4 week vacation – and there are several people I have come across which need punches in the face.

Miss Tim and I have bikes.  We find that a bike is really all we need in Hua Hin.  So much easier to get around on.   However, sometimes we want a car.  Miss Tim has a license but as with all Thai’s, this took only 5 minutes to obtain.  It’s a fucking joke.  No wonder there are so many deaths on the road.  Everyone involved in the ‘Learning to Drive’ process needs a punch in the face.

Anyway,  I told Miss Tim to go buy a car – that she can drive and get experience in.  Being her 1st car (and Thai) – she’’ll no doubt end up bumping into something, scratching, knocking or losing it, so no need for anything expensive.

A Fiesta, MG or Suzuki Swift should fit the bill.  First step is to hire one of each of these – to see which is the better fit.   Easy right?   Look at the hire car websites and see which are advertising these cars.

One particular company in HH advertised the Fiesta and Suzuki so we went to see them.   We asked for either – they had none available.    We explained that we don’t need a car immediately, just anytime in the next month.     They offered us a piece of shit Toyota instead.    I then explained that I was looking to buy either a Fiesta or Suzuki as we wanted to try one before we buy.   They then offered us a Honda Jazz.

Getting fed up, I asked when the Fiesta/Suzuki would be returned.  They then said they didn’t have them but  would I like to consider another Toyota?  We walked out – but not before imaging punching everyone of them in the face.

Eventually we found another Company who had one of those little MG’s.   When MG’s were (originally) built in the UK they were pretty crap.  Now the Chinese have them, they are probably worse, and now they’re assembled in Rayong, I could only go by the looks.  Which I think are quite good.

The only thing British about this – is the Driver

Calls made and the car was delivered.  Paperwork filled out and some Thai guy explained how the semi-auto gearbox worked.  I said I understood and that it is a very similar system to that of my 911 Turbo.  He didn’t get it.

After handing over copies of my passport/license and a pile of cash – they fooked off.

I asked Tim if they left any paperwork – and they hadn’t?!    I asked Tim if they took all her details too – which they hadn’t.     What is the point in hiring the car if Tim can’t drive it.   Ah… but she can. No need for paperwork as she is Thai.    Sorry,  but I am used to dealing with professionals.  I asked her to call them up and get some clarification.

As Tim is Thai – she is covered.  Even though she never had to produce a license.  The Hire Car company then went on to say that if we are involved in a crash – call them 1st so we can get the story straight.  The story being that we had ‘borrowed’ the car from them.  This way the insurance claim will be easier.

This sends alarm bells ringing.   I thought this was a professional /  legitimate company?    If we go out driving and Tim crashes or someone crashes into Tim,  who do you think will get in trouble?  That’s right.  Me, the farrang with their name on the hire agreement.   I don’t trust the Thai’s when it comes to claiming responsibility especially when there is money involved.

I told Tim that these people are clowns.  Shove the car – they can have it back and shove the money up their arse.   I am not driving it.  When I see them next, I shall punch them in the face.

After calming down – we took it for a drive after I removed all that crap dangling from the rear view mirror.  Apparently it was for ‘luck’.   I tried explaining that I need visibility out of the windscreen more than luck but she no risten.

Turns out the car is shit as predicted.  Won’t be buying one of them.

Probably not helped that Miss Tim can’t drive for shit – which had me questioning her driving instructor, examiner and authenticity of her license.     I told her to find a driving school that actually teaches you how to drive – not how to get a license.

Another crap vehicle we have – is our little Yamaha GT we purchased 7 months ago.  It’s cheap and crap. But then, it cost only 40k new.  This bike was just for popping to the local shops when there is one of us – instead of taking the PCX which is much bigger in size.

I don’t like how it rides – and neither does Tim.  Even after I set the tyre pressure correct after the idiots at the bike shop over-inflate them.   I don’t like it.  Time to get rid of it.

We like the Vespa styles Yamaha Grand Filano.   They cost 50k.   Let’s go get it.  The bike shop we purchased the GT from didn’t have one on display – so we went to another shop.  Big shop that had a massive Yamaha & Suzuki sign outside which could be seen for miles.   Of course, they sell only Hondas.   I made a note of them needing a punch in the face and left.

Another store…  we pulled up and told a salesman we wanted to see a Grand Filano.  So he walked us over to a ‘Fino’.  They are totally different.  The guy didn’t know what he was selling.   I ignored him and found one myself.  They look good – so I said we want it.   However, they wouldn’t take our 7 month old Yamaha in exchange.

Move on.

Back to the original store – the girl said they have no Filanos available – but could order one.  Fine.  Do it.

However, to exchange our GT, that would take a week processing paperwork and would be a very low price.   Of course it would.  Because no one seems to know how to do business in this fucking place.

Luckily for us – Lomeo told us of a Used bike dealer who buys and sells bikes – so off she went.   Deal done, cash paid all within 10 minutes.  Now that’s more like it!

Back to the Yamaha shop – money handed over.  Just need to find out when it can be collected.   Easy right?  Wrong.

Miss Tim (who I used to think had her head screwed on) had to look at some Thai website to find out which day was a ‘lucky’ day pick up a bike?   I wish I was joking.

So there I am in the middle of a bike shop – trying to tell anyone who will listen that this ‘Thai Good Luck’ is complete and utter shite.

For all the preying, luck, beliefs, colors, flowers, horn tooting,  none of it works as Thailand people are still in poverty, being killed in large numbers on the road,  people having lives wrecked by floods, corrupt police, volatile Government…etc.. the list goes on.   So if this is all down to ‘good luck’  – they may want to look at their belief system.

Of course, in the middle of the bike shop – no one paid me any attention.  They just sat on their phones while the mechanic over inflated as many bike tires as possible.

I think the only person who would have got punched in the face was me.

With that out of the way, I was in the mood for buying bikes.  I wanted a bigger one for me now.  I had seen the Beneli 250 recently so went to the dealer to check it out.

Into the Dealership, a few bikes scattered around but no 250 I was looking for.  Miss Tim asked someone and they pointed to the workshop area where one was having the finishing touches before it would be ready for the showroom.

I sat on it.  Liked it.  Wanted it.     What next?

Well here is my problem.   I shouldn’t have to spend time and effort to buy something of expense.  That is the job of a salesman – to make it easy for me.  I was expecting someone to give me some spiel about it.   There was us… sitting on it, fiddling with it, making engine noises and looking over at the salesman to come and take my cash.  Nothing.  He was more interested in sitting on his arse.

I had a similar experience in Dubai when Miss Tim and I went to view a Ferrari.  The salesman saw us pouring all over it and didn’t bother talking to us.  Eventually when we called him over, he had less knowledge of the car than I did.  I really do hate incompetence.

So with that, I got off the Benelli and walked out in a huff.  Fuck them.  And these people wonder why they don’t make any profits?   That would have been the easiest sale ever.  All I wanted to do was give him money.  Now all I want to do is punch him in the face.

It’s now Thursday morning.   Tomorrow we are off Bangkok.  After a spot of lunch the Rats and I shall head to Pattaya for 12 hours then back to Bangkok.  Saturday session (Frank?) and then off to watch the Mayweather  give McGregor a punch in the face.on Sunday morning.

Back to HH on Sunday night to watch the F1 somewhere.

Then I have to wait out all of Monday before collecting the new bike on ‘Lucky’ Tuesday.





I’ve written about this guy before.  But things have moved on in the past few years.   To recap…. I once worked with a guy who is in his 60’s, nearing retirement and looking to hang up his gloves somewhere warmer than his homeland of Scotland and preferably near a golf course.

He went to Pattaya on some golfing holidays as you do – and fell in love with a girl more than 30 years younger than him.  She was a ‘good girl’.    Even though he met her in a beer bar in Walking street – he was convinced she was as pure as the driven snow.

As time went on – he moved her in.   He then had a nice big house with swimming pool built and put her kid into private school.

There were many times where I suspected something wasn’t right – but he dismissed them all.

For example – he’d be working (away) but she could not be contacted.   Apparently the App on her phone stopped working properly so she could only text message?!  I asked what was wrong with the home computer he has, but he said she couldn’t remember her SKYPE password?!  He believed it all.

He even had CCTV installed in his house that conveniently didn’t work when he was not there.

There are many little tales like this – but what do I know?  I had only been here 10+  years, employed girls who run these scam on guys like this.  What do I know?

Roll on a few years and I find that he has had another house built – this one for her parents – who are younger than him.  I asked why?.  He said ‘because that’s what you do’?!

I also found that he has since moved out of his nice big house and has it rented out (for the income) and lives in some shithole in Issan near the parents.  He may even have had that one built to.

The kid is in school up there too – so the few years in expensive school was a complete waste of money.

He has sold his house back in Scotland and he recently tied the knot with her!

The guy is a fucking idiot.

He is 66 or 67.   She is 32 or 33.    He likes playing golf, reading books and fallking asleep at 7pm.    He claims that’s what she is into.   Do you remember what you were like when you were in your 30’s?   Moreover,  what women are like in their 30’s?!

So anyway,  I’ve not really kept in touch with this guy over the last few years – as I think he is a nob.  He has sold all his assets – and what he does have left is in his name.  His kids back home in Scotland will get nothing when he eventually chucks himself off the balcony.

His wife who he’s only known a 4 years will get it all.

So why am I telling you this?    Well,  he just got in contact and told me he has just rented a small studio condo in Pattaya and will be there this month.

Just so happens we are planning a Patts trip so I think I’ll meet up with him and remind him what a dick he is.

I shall ask him why it is – he has his dream house – rented out to pay for the living expenses of HER family?   Why it is he bought her parents a house?  Why it is, he didn’t stay in his own house and live off the money in the bank?  Or even better, buy another house and rent that out – for the income?

I may just sum it up and ask what it is he thinks a young(ish) girl sees in an old fart like him?

If he was 25 years younger – I’d give him a slap.

Next Friday – is ‘Pattaya Day’!

Do Not Disturb….

Heading to Bangkok, I stopped off in Dubai for a few days to catch up with some pals and go for Dubai tradition known as the Friday Brunch.   Basically all you can eat and drink for 4 hours.  It’s costs around 10k which isn’t too bad at all in Dubai.  The more you eat/drink, the better the value it is.

I got wasted.  Badly.  I’d been away for a month – so was out of practice.    Saturday morning I was on the plane to Bangkok and if I am honest – I had felt better.

The plan was to sleep on the plane, get fully refreshed and then hit the town when I arrived.

That plan went to shit when some horrible little fucking Arab kid was being a total pain in the arse on the flight.  He was shouting in his weird American accent to his sister (who was mostly ignoring him) telling her how to raise and lower the window blinds, or how to open up the table, or select movies.  He was a total little shit and his parents didn’t bat an eyelid.  Even though all lights were dimmed and everyone was trying to sleep – the little shit just wouldn’t shut the fuck up.   I should have upped and moved I know, but I was just hoping at any moment he’d either turn his attention to a movie or maybe stick his tongue in a power socket.    I was hoping to see them at the airport when we landed – so I could call them a bunch of ignorant twats but I didn’t see them.   Of course, I’d never say that to them while we’re on an Emirates plane – flying over the Emirates.  I am not stupid!

Into Bangkok – no traffic.  The Chauffer was there to meet me and took my case to the waiting Benz.   Cold towel and water waiting for me.  Great.  This is how it should be.

Less than 30 mins I arrived at the Landmark.   Signed my name and was taken to my suite.  Great.

After unpacking and having a quick shower, things turned a little sour.   I wasn’t feeling so good.   In fact, I started feeling quite bad.

It was almost midnight, so decided against going out.  Instead, I’ll recharge my batteries – ready for the next day (Sunday).  I had people to meet up with, so wanted to be ready.

From 4am onwards I was sick.  Proper sick.  Bits of stomach lining, shit, snot, blood and 25 year old bubble gum exited my body for the next 6 hours.   The most sleep I got was a few hours on the bathroom floor – laying in my own puddle of tears.

As daylight was breaking through the windows, I hit the ‘do not disturb’ button on the little Control Panel by the bed.  Very convenient that.    And off I dozed.

Now,  when I light up the ‘do not disturb’… I expect whoever the fuck it is on the other side of the door to see that light and well…. No disturb me.   But oh no,  the Gods of kindness were on a break.  Instead, housekeeping rang the doorbell.    I was too weak to shout out ‘foook off’.   They opened the door but there was an inside lock stopping them from entering.

A little while later – the phone went asking me if I wanted Housekeeping.   I told them I didn’t want to be disturbed.  I was not well and would be sleeping all day.  They asked if I wanted water.  NO.  I have 10 bottles in here – and don’t need anymore.   Do I want fresh towels?  NO!  I am on my own in the suite.  There are enough towels in here for a Toga party.  PLEASE, just leave me alone.

An hour later…. The phone rings.  ‘House Keeping’.      I told them once again.  Please.  LEAVE ME ALONE.

A few hours later – another knock at the door.   This time I open it and find a lady asking if I want the Turn-down service.   I told her I do not want to be disturbed.  I don’t want water and I don’t want anymore bastard towels.   And back to bed it was.

Crap sleep all day/night.    This was not how I saw my first weekend here.

I was supposed to meet up with several people – but was unable.  Genuine sick.   Luckily, the Sunday gang do their meet up every Sunday – so I’ll try for next week.

Monday morning I was glad to be heading home to HH.  I spent 15k on a hotel room which I spend all the time being ‘crook’.    When I checked out – they asked me if everything was to my satisfaction – to which I said No.  Then went on to tell them what ‘do no disturb’ means.  Thy guy on the desk was very apologetic and responsed with with what I am sure they have all been trained to respond with… something along the lines of ‘ o.k Sir, we have your feedback and shall look at changing our policies so these incidents do not happen again’.   Knowing that this was a ‘fob-off’ – I asked that surely their policy was already ‘do not disturb’ a room which has a big red light on the door that says ‘do not disturb’?

My driver picked me up at 12.   By 4pm I was on my sofa – feeling sorry for myself and thinking about how I can make up the time I have lost.

So I shall return in a week.   GM will be in town, PRP  – and Flank will still be here.   Some other pals will also be hanging out who I want to catch up with – as I didn’t see them this weekend.

Infact, maybe it’s time we headed to Pattaya?

Counting Down……

Next week I shall be heading home to Hua Hin for some R&R – having now worked a whole month, I deserve a month off.

Stopping off in Dubai for a few days to catch up with some pals – and then into Bangkok for next weekend.

Saturday and Sunday night I shall be in town trying to amuse myself.  Most of the Rats have left the sinking ship, there are still one or two around to go drinking with.

Monday I shall head home to HH – where I have nothing planned but to sit by the pool for a month.

Of course,  that’ll get boring after a while so I’ll need something to entertain me.   Hmm… there is a Ferry to Pattaya just down the road.   It’s about time I gave that one a try I think?

Didn’t I read somewhere that Flank was in town next week?   Beer or 10?

Off to Europe we go….

It was time to head to Europe.  Again.

It’s no secret that I hate Airports.  Well,  actually the people in them.  They’re all idiots. The latest addition to my list of Airport Hates – is the distance it is from the Emirates Lounge – to the Emirates departure gate.   It is more than a 20 minute walk door to door. And that’s a walk you have to take AFTER you have had to listen to various assholes using speakerphone on their mobiles.  Dicks.

A Lounge used to be a privilege/perk of flying Business or being or being a member of their little club.

Now, its a place full of riffraff.    It’s no longer a nicer place to be than the rest of the airport.  Burger king and a mooch around the shops is time better spent.    Unless that is, you want to get drunk.  Then the lounge is o.k for that.

So anyway… the UK and then head to Barcelona.   As we hate airlines – be that Budget or expensive, the plan was to drive down through France and into Spain.  Taking in some of the views on the way.

I bought a little Honda Type R just for the journey.  If I was going to be driving, I wanted to be in a car that was fun to drive.     I’d have preferred a convertible something, but Miss Tim melts like a Gremlin in the sunlight.

Driving through France was great.  I got to drive on great roads, see great views and best of all – got to see the back of French people as I reached Spain.

The French roads have great rest/service areas.   Nice little picnic spots and places to park up away from the traffic.  Outstanding.  But then again, for the price it costs to use the (toll) roads, they should also chuck in a lap dancer in each toilet cubicle.

It took only a day to get to Barcelona.    Checked into the B-Hotel, which I must say was great.  It’s not often you hear me give praise to a hotel.  But this one was good.

Great rooftop bar and pool.   We spent many days by the pool and evenings by the bar. Great relaxing time.

We were in Barcelona to visit Miss Tims oldest friend who was married to a Spaniard. Great hosts.  Being Spanish, the husband wanted to give us an authentic Spanish experience and took us to (many) Spanish restaurants.

Can’t say I am too keen on Spanish food.  Not that the food is bad, it’s just the way they eat it.    I like toast and I like tomatoes.  But I don’t like the way they cut a tomato and rub it in/onto the toast?!  It tastes horrible.  Give me some butter and marmite over that any day.

Next up was the main course.  Fish and Sea Food.  I’d rather eat my own hand. Luckily, my Spanish pal ordered me a steak.   Can’t go wrong with a steak right?


It was dry.  No sauce.  I like sauce.  Bit of mushroom, peppercorn maybe?  Hell, I’ll have ketchup if it meant not having to force it down my throat dry.   Ever tried to swallow a paracetamol without water?

So food was shite.   The hotel was great.  The booze was expensive.  But we were on holiday so it didn’t matter.

We had a week in Barcelona.  Time flew.  We visited some great places, ate all over the place, walked all over the city and watched a whole bunch of people going about their business.

A nice touch from the hotel was a bottle of Champagne in the hotel room.  Miss Tim wasn’t so impressed when she noticed only one glass.   I said that was probably because only 1 person is paying the hotel bill…….

With Barcelona done – we were off to back to the South of France to meet up with a pal in a little French village.  Has to be nice right?…

Quick stop in BKK before heading to Europe

Been off the airwaves for a while.  Busy, busy.

A few weeks ago I flew into Bangkok.  Landed at 7am as per usual and wasn’t planning on staying the night, so didn’t have a hotel booked.   Not a problem, as my pal PRP was in town so I dumped my crap off at his place.

Plain sailing through the airport this time – no hang ups, hold ups, traffic or Chinese people getting in my way.

By 10am we were sitting down for breakfast in the Queen Vic.    Again, the usual stuff on the menu – all of it pretty good.

11am saw some pals pitching up at the Queens Park Plaza for a little lunchtime session.

The QPP is not the nicest place in Bangkok.  Bit grubby and run down these days.  Bit like most of Bangkok then.

Some pals joined us and we went at it full steam.  The bar ‘Rumours’? was our bar of choice. Only chosen as it was the first one we arrived at.    Can’t say the service was very good and we had to send a few bottles of beer back for not being as cold as we’d liked.

Now, I am not a beer drinking – but am fully aware of the issue with beer not being icy cold.  Many times we had people complain that the beer (bottles) we not cold enough.  Many times I’d have liked to have explained that the bottles had only been in the cooler for an hour – so either drink faster or stop drinking at 10am – you bloody drunks!

Anyway, some old woman at the bar was giving us dirty looks so we decided to head back to a mates apartment to see his dogs and drink anything he had in his cupboards.

Once the heat started dropping off, we headed to soi 18 to ‘Foxie’  – which used to be the Fox and Hounds.   It is owned by an expat I know.  He bought it with grand ideas of having an English boozer he could hang out at.  His (Thai) wife had a different idea (changed the name) and now it’s a full on Thai bar with LB’s mingling around.   The expat now stays at home.   We go there to show support – but am not sure why, as all cash goes to the wife.   Think I’ll swerve it from now on.

From there is was the usual – Top Secret,  Too Easy…etc….     Lomeo turned up – but by that time I was well on the way to wasted, having not touched a drop of booze in a month.

I was on a tight schedule so had my driver picking me up at 11pm.  Off to Hua Hin.

One night only was all I was to have in HH.    The next day Miss Tim and I were heading to Europe for our hols.    Which is where I am now.  In a little south of France in a little mountain village.

Top of a mountain.. where no one can hear you scream

There was the UK,  then to Barcelona, then to the south of France.   Tomorrow we are off to Paris for a few days and then off back to the UK for a few days until returning to HH.

I need a rest.

Full trip report to follow.    You’ll not believe this, but Spanish and French people really piss me off….