Another Pattaya in 12……

It had been a while since we did a Pattaya run.    Think it was last year?  Five of us went – and four came back.  That was a good trip.

With Lomeo out of action for the month, it was up to Bubba, GM and myself to head to Patts to see if everything is still ok there.

The plan was to meet at Mullis for lunch and then head off around 1pm.     What’s the deal with Mullis?  It’s always busy.  No matter what time of the day – there are people there.   Which makes me wonder why the staff are not very good at dealing with customers.   The girl serving us had a right face on her. I thought we were lucky to make it out of there alive.

1pm on the dot – we were on the road.  I have a regular driver who I always use for BKK/Patts/HH runs.  Even he remembered the last trip – noting that we lost one guy.  I felt a bit bad, as this guy will be waiting around until 2pm for us – knowing that we’ll be in a right drunken state when he picks us up.

Traffic was good and we were there in no time.     Only held up as we watched the aftermath of a car/pick up crash in the road.   It was odd.. as we could clearly see all the Buddha stuff dangling down from the rear view mirrors of the mangled cars.  I guess their good luck wasn’t working that day?

Where to go in Patts on a Saturday afternoon?   Well,  old ‘Pattayaman’ who knows everything said not to bother with soi 6 as it doesn’t open until 6pm.    As he is an idiot – we got dropped off in soi 6 around 3pm.   It was heaving!

Some new bars have opened up – or some old bars have had a lick of paint?   It’s was quite lively and there was a good buzz about the place.

As per usual… the first thing you do is walk from one end of the road the other and then walk back.

There was a time when soi 6 was scary and full of horrors. Not anymore.   It’s pretty tame and many of the girls are good looking – compared to the trolls that used to be there when not guarding a bridge.

One thing I noticed was that most bars we went in – all stocked Grey Goose Vodka.  A good improvement on last year.  Some of the Vodkas tasted like paint-stripper.

We stumbled across quite a few bars which were pretty good.  Many of the bars have themes and the girls in uniforms.    Why don’t they do that in Nana?   The closest I have seen to a uniform in soi 4 is all the staff in the Hilary Bar with a T-shirt saying  ‘I love Meow’!

Moving on…  we could have stayed in Soi 6 all night.  There are plenty of bars and plenty of girls to keep you entertained.

There is a bar – without the hard-sell girls, (just service staff) called Scooters.    British theme – a Vespa in the corner, pretty decent décor and good music.   This had to be one of the more popular bars by far.   Even without girls.

We must have stopped in half a dozen bars.  Each one had many good looking girls who were all full of life and chatty.  Thinking back,  I don’t recall any of them glued to their iPhone.

I should have made a note of the bar names, but lets be honest, do you look a the name of the bar or do you look at the girls outside the bar?    They’re all very similar and each one was pretty much on par with the other.    Soi 6 has definitely improved over the years.

Another bar we had a few drinks at was on Beach Road.  You know the type.  The big beach bars which just sell booze in large quantities.   Looking at the customers – it is a place where people just sit and get tanked up. Many people on their own drinking.    If I ever end up like that, someone kill me.

Now, with most bars which are ‘road-side’ – you’ll have people approach you trying to sell crap.   Jeez… I’ve seen so many. I don’t think 3 minutes passed without being pestered to buy some crap.    It was a first for me to see though – when a guy pulled up on his motorcycle/sidecar with a load of food.  He carried a tray of what looked like deep fried mice and walked around the bar trying to sell them.   What’s next?   An Ice-cream van reverse into the bar?  A Butcher slaughtering a cow in the corner?

With plenty of booze poured down our necks – it was getting dark so we decided to hit the streets and head to LK Metro.   It had been a while.

Time has not been kind to LK Metro.  Specifically the quality of girls working there.

I can’t remember the names of the gogo’s, but we went in all the usual big ones.     I can’t say I was impressed.

What is it with the tattoos and piercings?   One bar was full of heavily tattooed girls with loads of shit in their faces (piercings).   It’s not my cup of tea.   It looked like the cast of Sons of Anarchy dancing on a pole in the bar from Dusk til Dawn.  Monsters – the lot of them.     10 years ago – you’d expect these horrors to be beating you up on Soi 6.  Now, they’re on a pole and the normal girls are on soi 6.

Quality of pole dancers has gone down the crapper

Having been on the Grey Goose vodka for most of the day, you kind of get used to the taste – or how it should taste.   So in one bar when a vodka arrived that tasted like paint stripper – I knew it wasn’t right.   Fook knows what it was?  The cheapest nastiest fluid ever to carry the Vodka label that’s for sure.

I couldn’t drink it.   But then  I had probably had enough.  It was by then I was feeling pretty drunk and had to make my way to the toilets where I proceeded to vomit.

Being the type of person I am – I tend to clean everything up when I throw up.   That toilet cubicle has never looked so clean after I had finished with it.

I wasn’t sure what made me throw up.  I’d like to think it was the amount of booze I had thrown down my neck.  If not, it was the sight of all the ugly Rocky horror show rejects that were prancing around on stage.  Or the shit vodka?

From LK we headed to Walking Street.

Anyone been there lately?  It’s turning into Bangla Road.  Full of Tourists (and why not?) – but the holiday type of Tourists, not the party type (if that makes sense?).

Where there are Tourists – there are people selling crap to Tourists.  Sunglasses, wooden frogs, DVD’s, Maps of Thailand, fake watches and Dildos.

After buying a few Dildos for Lomeo and Jonas – we headed (I think) into Soi Diamond.    Can’t remember the name of the bar?    It was pretty dire if I remember.  By that time of night I think we were all past our peak and the thought of food and a nap was more appealing than have some scantily clad girl slap us with a foam tube.

We were done.

It was around 1am when my Driver pulled up outside Kentucky Fried McBurger King.

The journey back to Bangkok took less than 10 minutes.   Well, that about as much as we remember of the journey.

To sum it up…  yeah it was a good time.  We’ve had better – but we’ve also had a lot worse.

For future trips I think I’ll give LK & Walking Street a miss. Too busy and too many weirdo skanks.

I’d keep to the Soi’s off Beach Road.   You could easily  spend a whole night on soi 6.

But the main thing I will take away from that trip – is the price.  Pattaya is soooo much cheaper than Bangkok.  For the 1st time ever I arrived home with a  pile of cash in my pocket.   – and Dildo.

Smokey and the BKKPD

Those (smokers) of you familiar with Bangkok, specifically Soi 4 will be aware of the Cigarette Police who slap you with a 2000bht fine if you chuck your Butt on the floor and stamp it out.

Police have even been known to follow a smoker if they see them walking down the street. It’s easy money. I am sure all Fines go into the system and not into their pockets. I am sure of that… I really, really am….

I am not a smoker – and if I am honest, I think all smokers are selfish twats. Those that come and smoke all over me when I am eating or breathing that is.

But, putting my hatred aside I am going to reveal how smokers could get one-up on the Cops.

The other day I spotted the ‘Portable Ashtray’! It’s on a keyring which is handy. Just loop that through your jeans. Unless you’re an American and there is no room on your jeans as you have a cell phone holder strapped to them.

And there is more… why don’t the street vendors sell these? Instead of ‘Gob stopper man’ selling those stupid oversized Zippo lighters – he could sell these instead. The best part  is that as he’s knocking on a bit,  all he has to do is sit himself outside the Police booth and wait for the Cops to bring him customers.

After all, after just paying out 2000bht to the Cops ‘fund’ – shelling out 50bht on this little beauty would be a worthwhile investment.

Pool Playing….

My month off has now come to an end.   Phew.  Glad to get back to work.  It’s been a somewhat busy month.     Now,  I know this will come as a shock to many people – but I have a few things I am not best pleased about with my time in Thailand.  Instead of one long whinge where I tell how various people need punching in the face – I’ll break it all down into smaller little tales.

Starting off with Pool players….

First of all – if you’re a pool player who thinks they are good.  Let me tell you this now.  You’re not.  You maybe against your pal – but against a seasoned bar-girl.  You can’t play for shit.

For those of you that have been in or visiting Thailand before girls were glued to their phones, the place to be was Gullivers on Soi 5.  With the pool tables at the back occupied by freelancers.  Put your name on the board and the winner stays on.  It was VERY rare to see a Farrang to beat a girl.

More often than not, the girls looked pretty hot in their tight jeans, bending over the tables.   This was their business.  Putting themselves on display.  Some girls use the pole.  These girls used a cue.

Now here is the thing, many afternoons I’d hang out there for a drink and watch guys challenge for a game of pool.  These guys would never talk to the girl.  Never smile.  Never joke.  Certainly not buy the girl a drink.   No.  They would treat each game like it was the most important game in the world.  These guys actually thought they could impress a girl with their pool skills!!.  DICKS.

The pool table is a great tool in which to meet a girl, strike up a conversation and have a laugh with someone you’ve never met before.  Why these people didn’t see that is beyond me?

This is all over Thailand.  For some reason – when a guy is on a pool table, he thinks he is the best in the world and people are impressed.  They’re not.     How many of us have witnessed a guy playing pool – who will suddenly start swinging the pool cue around thinking he is some kind of ninja?   Again, is this something that is supposed to be impressive?   I have no time for these idiots.

To me.. Pool is a GAME.  That is why you PLAY it.   It’s supposed to be fun.

So imagine my need to punch people in the face when I visited a friend of a friends little bar in soi 94 in Hua Hin.  It’s a small shop front bar with a pool table.     As I sat there with Miss Tim and a few pals having a drink, various people arrived – carrying their own Pool Cues.     Why?     Why actually go to the effort of buying a cue and carrying it to a bar to play on an average table with average pool balls?

I dismissed this – as they were all of the more ‘mature’ kind of gentlemen.   After an hour of many of them playing pool with each other, it was apparent that 1) no one spoke with each other and 2) they can’t really play very well at all!.   So what’s the point?   Where is the fun?

But why should I get angry about this?  Well,  aside from the miserable basts playing crap pool with their own cues – they all wear one of those little gloves.  The ones with a few fingers missing.   At first I thought the guys were ex -Jakuza, but it turns out they all think they are professional pool players.

Surely – if you and your opponent are both wearing these soppy little gloves then you both are equal as if you were both not wearing the gloves.  Take them off!   At least you wont look so fucking stupid.

This is like going for a bike ride – but wearing a full Tour de France outfit.   Or going ice skating with your pals and wearing the full spandex suite with helmet and goggles.

But maybe I am alone on this.   Maybe it’s just me that gets frustrated – seeing people who think they’re some kind of professional pool player.   Someone who thinks (when playing the bar girls) the girls are impressed?  But mainly, I get annoyed because the bars have pool tables to generate a good atmosphere and a good time.  To create enjoyment for the customers.   Not to have people fed up and angry because they missed a shot or lost a game.

I tell all my newbie friends when they come here  ‘don’t play pool with the girl unless you are o.k with losing’.   These girls play pool EVERYDAY.  While you are at home – with the wife and kids.  When you’re at work or sleeping – they’re probably playing pool.

Use the pool table as a social tool.   A tool which you can use to talk to a girl.  Have a laugh even?

When thinking about it – a girl on a pool table is probably the longest I’ve ever seen one not use their phone.

Motoring in Thailand. How hard can it be?

Two weeks into my 4 week vacation – and there are several people I have come across which need punches in the face.

Miss Tim and I have bikes.  We find that a bike is really all we need in Hua Hin.  So much easier to get around on.   However, sometimes we want a car.  Miss Tim has a license but as with all Thai’s, this took only 5 minutes to obtain.  It’s a fucking joke.  No wonder there are so many deaths on the road.  Everyone involved in the ‘Learning to Drive’ process needs a punch in the face.

Anyway,  I told Miss Tim to go buy a car – that she can drive and get experience in.  Being her 1st car (and Thai) – she’’ll no doubt end up bumping into something, scratching, knocking or losing it, so no need for anything expensive.

A Fiesta, MG or Suzuki Swift should fit the bill.  First step is to hire one of each of these – to see which is the better fit.   Easy right?   Look at the hire car websites and see which are advertising these cars.

One particular company in HH advertised the Fiesta and Suzuki so we went to see them.   We asked for either – they had none available.    We explained that we don’t need a car immediately, just anytime in the next month.     They offered us a piece of shit Toyota instead.    I then explained that I was looking to buy either a Fiesta or Suzuki as we wanted to try one before we buy.   They then offered us a Honda Jazz.

Getting fed up, I asked when the Fiesta/Suzuki would be returned.  They then said they didn’t have them but  would I like to consider another Toyota?  We walked out – but not before imaging punching everyone of them in the face.

Eventually we found another Company who had one of those little MG’s.   When MG’s were (originally) built in the UK they were pretty crap.  Now the Chinese have them, they are probably worse, and now they’re assembled in Rayong, I could only go by the looks.  Which I think are quite good.

The only thing British about this – is the Driver

Calls made and the car was delivered.  Paperwork filled out and some Thai guy explained how the semi-auto gearbox worked.  I said I understood and that it is a very similar system to that of my 911 Turbo.  He didn’t get it.

After handing over copies of my passport/license and a pile of cash – they fooked off.

I asked Tim if they left any paperwork – and they hadn’t?!    I asked Tim if they took all her details too – which they hadn’t.     What is the point in hiring the car if Tim can’t drive it.   Ah… but she can. No need for paperwork as she is Thai.    Sorry,  but I am used to dealing with professionals.  I asked her to call them up and get some clarification.

As Tim is Thai – she is covered.  Even though she never had to produce a license.  The Hire Car company then went on to say that if we are involved in a crash – call them 1st so we can get the story straight.  The story being that we had ‘borrowed’ the car from them.  This way the insurance claim will be easier.

This sends alarm bells ringing.   I thought this was a professional /  legitimate company?    If we go out driving and Tim crashes or someone crashes into Tim,  who do you think will get in trouble?  That’s right.  Me, the farrang with their name on the hire agreement.   I don’t trust the Thai’s when it comes to claiming responsibility especially when there is money involved.

I told Tim that these people are clowns.  Shove the car – they can have it back and shove the money up their arse.   I am not driving it.  When I see them next, I shall punch them in the face.

After calming down – we took it for a drive after I removed all that crap dangling from the rear view mirror.  Apparently it was for ‘luck’.   I tried explaining that I need visibility out of the windscreen more than luck but she no risten.

Turns out the car is shit as predicted.  Won’t be buying one of them.

Probably not helped that Miss Tim can’t drive for shit – which had me questioning her driving instructor, examiner and authenticity of her license.     I told her to find a driving school that actually teaches you how to drive – not how to get a license.

Another crap vehicle we have – is our little Yamaha GT we purchased 7 months ago.  It’s cheap and crap. But then, it cost only 40k new.  This bike was just for popping to the local shops when there is one of us – instead of taking the PCX which is much bigger in size.

I don’t like how it rides – and neither does Tim.  Even after I set the tyre pressure correct after the idiots at the bike shop over-inflate them.   I don’t like it.  Time to get rid of it.

We like the Vespa styles Yamaha Grand Filano.   They cost 50k.   Let’s go get it.  The bike shop we purchased the GT from didn’t have one on display – so we went to another shop.  Big shop that had a massive Yamaha & Suzuki sign outside which could be seen for miles.   Of course, they sell only Hondas.   I made a note of them needing a punch in the face and left.

Another store…  we pulled up and told a salesman we wanted to see a Grand Filano.  So he walked us over to a ‘Fino’.  They are totally different.  The guy didn’t know what he was selling.   I ignored him and found one myself.  They look good – so I said we want it.   However, they wouldn’t take our 7 month old Yamaha in exchange.

Move on.

Back to the original store – the girl said they have no Filanos available – but could order one.  Fine.  Do it.

However, to exchange our GT, that would take a week processing paperwork and would be a very low price.   Of course it would.  Because no one seems to know how to do business in this fucking place.

Luckily for us – Lomeo told us of a Used bike dealer who buys and sells bikes – so off she went.   Deal done, cash paid all within 10 minutes.  Now that’s more like it!

Back to the Yamaha shop – money handed over.  Just need to find out when it can be collected.   Easy right?  Wrong.

Miss Tim (who I used to think had her head screwed on) had to look at some Thai website to find out which day was a ‘lucky’ day pick up a bike?   I wish I was joking.

So there I am in the middle of a bike shop – trying to tell anyone who will listen that this ‘Thai Good Luck’ is complete and utter shite.

For all the preying, luck, beliefs, colors, flowers, horn tooting,  none of it works as Thailand people are still in poverty, being killed in large numbers on the road,  people having lives wrecked by floods, corrupt police, volatile Government…etc.. the list goes on.   So if this is all down to ‘good luck’  – they may want to look at their belief system.

Of course, in the middle of the bike shop – no one paid me any attention.  They just sat on their phones while the mechanic over inflated as many bike tires as possible.

I think the only person who would have got punched in the face was me.

With that out of the way, I was in the mood for buying bikes.  I wanted a bigger one for me now.  I had seen the Beneli 250 recently so went to the dealer to check it out.

Into the Dealership, a few bikes scattered around but no 250 I was looking for.  Miss Tim asked someone and they pointed to the workshop area where one was having the finishing touches before it would be ready for the showroom.

I sat on it.  Liked it.  Wanted it.     What next?

Well here is my problem.   I shouldn’t have to spend time and effort to buy something of expense.  That is the job of a salesman – to make it easy for me.  I was expecting someone to give me some spiel about it.   There was us… sitting on it, fiddling with it, making engine noises and looking over at the salesman to come and take my cash.  Nothing.  He was more interested in sitting on his arse.

I had a similar experience in Dubai when Miss Tim and I went to view a Ferrari.  The salesman saw us pouring all over it and didn’t bother talking to us.  Eventually when we called him over, he had less knowledge of the car than I did.  I really do hate incompetence.

So with that, I got off the Benelli and walked out in a huff.  Fuck them.  And these people wonder why they don’t make any profits?   That would have been the easiest sale ever.  All I wanted to do was give him money.  Now all I want to do is punch him in the face.

It’s now Thursday morning.   Tomorrow we are off Bangkok.  After a spot of lunch the Rats and I shall head to Pattaya for 12 hours then back to Bangkok.  Saturday session (Frank?) and then off to watch the Mayweather  give McGregor a punch in the face.on Sunday morning.

Back to HH on Sunday night to watch the F1 somewhere.

Then I have to wait out all of Monday before collecting the new bike on ‘Lucky’ Tuesday.

 

 

 

Pattaya-man

I’ve written about this guy before.  But things have moved on in the past few years.   To recap…. I once worked with a guy who is in his 60’s, nearing retirement and looking to hang up his gloves somewhere warmer than his homeland of Scotland and preferably near a golf course.

He went to Pattaya on some golfing holidays as you do – and fell in love with a girl more than 30 years younger than him.  She was a ‘good girl’.    Even though he met her in a beer bar in Walking street – he was convinced she was as pure as the driven snow.

As time went on – he moved her in.   He then had a nice big house with swimming pool built and put her kid into private school.

There were many times where I suspected something wasn’t right – but he dismissed them all.

For example – he’d be working (away) but she could not be contacted.   Apparently the App on her phone stopped working properly so she could only text message?!  I asked what was wrong with the home computer he has, but he said she couldn’t remember her SKYPE password?!  He believed it all.

He even had CCTV installed in his house that conveniently didn’t work when he was not there.

There are many little tales like this – but what do I know?  I had only been here 10+  years, employed girls who run these scam on guys like this.  What do I know?

Roll on a few years and I find that he has had another house built – this one for her parents – who are younger than him.  I asked why?.  He said ‘because that’s what you do’?!

I also found that he has since moved out of his nice big house and has it rented out (for the income) and lives in some shithole in Issan near the parents.  He may even have had that one built to.

The kid is in school up there too – so the few years in expensive school was a complete waste of money.

He has sold his house back in Scotland and he recently tied the knot with her!

The guy is a fucking idiot.

He is 66 or 67.   She is 32 or 33.    He likes playing golf, reading books and fallking asleep at 7pm.    He claims that’s what she is into.   Do you remember what you were like when you were in your 30’s?   Moreover,  what women are like in their 30’s?!

So anyway,  I’ve not really kept in touch with this guy over the last few years – as I think he is a nob.  He has sold all his assets – and what he does have left is in his name.  His kids back home in Scotland will get nothing when he eventually chucks himself off the balcony.

His wife who he’s only known a 4 years will get it all.

So why am I telling you this?    Well,  he just got in contact and told me he has just rented a small studio condo in Pattaya and will be there this month.

Just so happens we are planning a Patts trip so I think I’ll meet up with him and remind him what a dick he is.

I shall ask him why it is – he has his dream house – rented out to pay for the living expenses of HER family?   Why it is he bought her parents a house?  Why it is, he didn’t stay in his own house and live off the money in the bank?  Or even better, buy another house and rent that out – for the income?

I may just sum it up and ask what it is he thinks a young(ish) girl sees in an old fart like him?

If he was 25 years younger – I’d give him a slap.

Next Friday – is ‘Pattaya Day’!

Do Not Disturb….

Heading to Bangkok, I stopped off in Dubai for a few days to catch up with some pals and go for Dubai tradition known as the Friday Brunch.   Basically all you can eat and drink for 4 hours.  It’s costs around 10k which isn’t too bad at all in Dubai.  The more you eat/drink, the better the value it is.

I got wasted.  Badly.  I’d been away for a month – so was out of practice.    Saturday morning I was on the plane to Bangkok and if I am honest – I had felt better.

The plan was to sleep on the plane, get fully refreshed and then hit the town when I arrived.

That plan went to shit when some horrible little fucking Arab kid was being a total pain in the arse on the flight.  He was shouting in his weird American accent to his sister (who was mostly ignoring him) telling her how to raise and lower the window blinds, or how to open up the table, or select movies.  He was a total little shit and his parents didn’t bat an eyelid.  Even though all lights were dimmed and everyone was trying to sleep – the little shit just wouldn’t shut the fuck up.   I should have upped and moved I know, but I was just hoping at any moment he’d either turn his attention to a movie or maybe stick his tongue in a power socket.    I was hoping to see them at the airport when we landed – so I could call them a bunch of ignorant twats but I didn’t see them.   Of course, I’d never say that to them while we’re on an Emirates plane – flying over the Emirates.  I am not stupid!

Into Bangkok – no traffic.  The Chauffer was there to meet me and took my case to the waiting Benz.   Cold towel and water waiting for me.  Great.  This is how it should be.

Less than 30 mins I arrived at the Landmark.   Signed my name and was taken to my suite.  Great.

After unpacking and having a quick shower, things turned a little sour.   I wasn’t feeling so good.   In fact, I started feeling quite bad.

It was almost midnight, so decided against going out.  Instead, I’ll recharge my batteries – ready for the next day (Sunday).  I had people to meet up with, so wanted to be ready.

From 4am onwards I was sick.  Proper sick.  Bits of stomach lining, shit, snot, blood and 25 year old bubble gum exited my body for the next 6 hours.   The most sleep I got was a few hours on the bathroom floor – laying in my own puddle of tears.

As daylight was breaking through the windows, I hit the ‘do not disturb’ button on the little Control Panel by the bed.  Very convenient that.    And off I dozed.

Now,  when I light up the ‘do not disturb’… I expect whoever the fuck it is on the other side of the door to see that light and well…. No disturb me.   But oh no,  the Gods of kindness were on a break.  Instead, housekeeping rang the doorbell.    I was too weak to shout out ‘foook off’.   They opened the door but there was an inside lock stopping them from entering.

A little while later – the phone went asking me if I wanted Housekeeping.   I told them I didn’t want to be disturbed.  I was not well and would be sleeping all day.  They asked if I wanted water.  NO.  I have 10 bottles in here – and don’t need anymore.   Do I want fresh towels?  NO!  I am on my own in the suite.  There are enough towels in here for a Toga party.  PLEASE, just leave me alone.

An hour later…. The phone rings.  ‘House Keeping’.      I told them once again.  Please.  LEAVE ME ALONE.

A few hours later – another knock at the door.   This time I open it and find a lady asking if I want the Turn-down service.   I told her I do not want to be disturbed.  I don’t want water and I don’t want anymore bastard towels.   And back to bed it was.

Crap sleep all day/night.    This was not how I saw my first weekend here.

I was supposed to meet up with several people – but was unable.  Genuine sick.   Luckily, the Sunday gang do their meet up every Sunday – so I’ll try for next week.

Monday morning I was glad to be heading home to HH.  I spent 15k on a hotel room which I spend all the time being ‘crook’.    When I checked out – they asked me if everything was to my satisfaction – to which I said No.  Then went on to tell them what ‘do no disturb’ means.  Thy guy on the desk was very apologetic and responsed with with what I am sure they have all been trained to respond with… something along the lines of ‘ o.k Sir, we have your feedback and shall look at changing our policies so these incidents do not happen again’.   Knowing that this was a ‘fob-off’ – I asked that surely their policy was already ‘do not disturb’ a room which has a big red light on the door that says ‘do not disturb’?

My driver picked me up at 12.   By 4pm I was on my sofa – feeling sorry for myself and thinking about how I can make up the time I have lost.

So I shall return in a week.   GM will be in town, PRP  – and Flank will still be here.   Some other pals will also be hanging out who I want to catch up with – as I didn’t see them this weekend.

Infact, maybe it’s time we headed to Pattaya?

Counting Down……

Next week I shall be heading home to Hua Hin for some R&R – having now worked a whole month, I deserve a month off.

Stopping off in Dubai for a few days to catch up with some pals – and then into Bangkok for next weekend.

Saturday and Sunday night I shall be in town trying to amuse myself.  Most of the Rats have left the sinking ship, there are still one or two around to go drinking with.

Monday I shall head home to HH – where I have nothing planned but to sit by the pool for a month.

Of course,  that’ll get boring after a while so I’ll need something to entertain me.   Hmm… there is a Ferry to Pattaya just down the road.   It’s about time I gave that one a try I think?

Didn’t I read somewhere that Flank was in town next week?   Beer or 10?

Off to Europe we go….

It was time to head to Europe.  Again.

It’s no secret that I hate Airports.  Well,  actually the people in them.  They’re all idiots. The latest addition to my list of Airport Hates – is the distance it is from the Emirates Lounge – to the Emirates departure gate.   It is more than a 20 minute walk door to door. And that’s a walk you have to take AFTER you have had to listen to various assholes using speakerphone on their mobiles.  Dicks.

A Lounge used to be a privilege/perk of flying Business or being or being a member of their little club.

Now, its a place full of riffraff.    It’s no longer a nicer place to be than the rest of the airport.  Burger king and a mooch around the shops is time better spent.    Unless that is, you want to get drunk.  Then the lounge is o.k for that.

So anyway… the UK and then head to Barcelona.   As we hate airlines – be that Budget or expensive, the plan was to drive down through France and into Spain.  Taking in some of the views on the way.

I bought a little Honda Type R just for the journey.  If I was going to be driving, I wanted to be in a car that was fun to drive.     I’d have preferred a convertible something, but Miss Tim melts like a Gremlin in the sunlight.

Driving through France was great.  I got to drive on great roads, see great views and best of all – got to see the back of French people as I reached Spain.

The French roads have great rest/service areas.   Nice little picnic spots and places to park up away from the traffic.  Outstanding.  But then again, for the price it costs to use the (toll) roads, they should also chuck in a lap dancer in each toilet cubicle.

It took only a day to get to Barcelona.    Checked into the B-Hotel, which I must say was great.  It’s not often you hear me give praise to a hotel.  But this one was good.

Great rooftop bar and pool.   We spent many days by the pool and evenings by the bar. Great relaxing time.

We were in Barcelona to visit Miss Tims oldest friend who was married to a Spaniard. Great hosts.  Being Spanish, the husband wanted to give us an authentic Spanish experience and took us to (many) Spanish restaurants.

Can’t say I am too keen on Spanish food.  Not that the food is bad, it’s just the way they eat it.    I like toast and I like tomatoes.  But I don’t like the way they cut a tomato and rub it in/onto the toast?!  It tastes horrible.  Give me some butter and marmite over that any day.

Next up was the main course.  Fish and Sea Food.  I’d rather eat my own hand. Luckily, my Spanish pal ordered me a steak.   Can’t go wrong with a steak right?

Wrong.

It was dry.  No sauce.  I like sauce.  Bit of mushroom, peppercorn maybe?  Hell, I’ll have ketchup if it meant not having to force it down my throat dry.   Ever tried to swallow a paracetamol without water?

So food was shite.   The hotel was great.  The booze was expensive.  But we were on holiday so it didn’t matter.

We had a week in Barcelona.  Time flew.  We visited some great places, ate all over the place, walked all over the city and watched a whole bunch of people going about their business.

A nice touch from the hotel was a bottle of Champagne in the hotel room.  Miss Tim wasn’t so impressed when she noticed only one glass.   I said that was probably because only 1 person is paying the hotel bill…….

With Barcelona done – we were off to back to the South of France to meet up with a pal in a little French village.  Has to be nice right?…

Quick stop in BKK before heading to Europe

Been off the airwaves for a while.  Busy, busy.

A few weeks ago I flew into Bangkok.  Landed at 7am as per usual and wasn’t planning on staying the night, so didn’t have a hotel booked.   Not a problem, as my pal PRP was in town so I dumped my crap off at his place.

Plain sailing through the airport this time – no hang ups, hold ups, traffic or Chinese people getting in my way.

By 10am we were sitting down for breakfast in the Queen Vic.    Again, the usual stuff on the menu – all of it pretty good.

11am saw some pals pitching up at the Queens Park Plaza for a little lunchtime session.

The QPP is not the nicest place in Bangkok.  Bit grubby and run down these days.  Bit like most of Bangkok then.

Some pals joined us and we went at it full steam.  The bar ‘Rumours’? was our bar of choice. Only chosen as it was the first one we arrived at.    Can’t say the service was very good and we had to send a few bottles of beer back for not being as cold as we’d liked.

Now, I am not a beer drinking – but am fully aware of the issue with beer not being icy cold.  Many times we had people complain that the beer (bottles) we not cold enough.  Many times I’d have liked to have explained that the bottles had only been in the cooler for an hour – so either drink faster or stop drinking at 10am – you bloody drunks!

Anyway, some old woman at the bar was giving us dirty looks so we decided to head back to a mates apartment to see his dogs and drink anything he had in his cupboards.

Once the heat started dropping off, we headed to soi 18 to ‘Foxie’  – which used to be the Fox and Hounds.   It is owned by an expat I know.  He bought it with grand ideas of having an English boozer he could hang out at.  His (Thai) wife had a different idea (changed the name) and now it’s a full on Thai bar with LB’s mingling around.   The expat now stays at home.   We go there to show support – but am not sure why, as all cash goes to the wife.   Think I’ll swerve it from now on.

From there is was the usual – Top Secret,  Too Easy…etc….     Lomeo turned up – but by that time I was well on the way to wasted, having not touched a drop of booze in a month.

I was on a tight schedule so had my driver picking me up at 11pm.  Off to Hua Hin.

One night only was all I was to have in HH.    The next day Miss Tim and I were heading to Europe for our hols.    Which is where I am now.  In a little south of France in a little mountain village.

Top of a mountain.. where no one can hear you scream

There was the UK,  then to Barcelona, then to the south of France.   Tomorrow we are off to Paris for a few days and then off back to the UK for a few days until returning to HH.

I need a rest.

Full trip report to follow.    You’ll not believe this, but Spanish and French people really piss me off….

Visa Time – Again……

Once again, the time has come to apply for a Shengun Visa for Miss Tim – so we can pop over to France/Spain to see our pals.

I may have let slip one or twice before – that I HATE the visa process.   But by that,  I am referring to the people that handle/manage it.

It used to be a second rate bunch of clowns called VFS.  Total bunch of jobs-worth fools.   They angered me so much that Miss Tim suggested I no longer accompany her to the offices to apply for visas with her.

Bear in mind,  we have never had a visa rejected.  All our papers, tickets, letters, finances, flights etc.. were always above board and present.    There has never been a reason to refuse a Visa or even reject the Visa Application paperwork (by the handling agent).

Last year the VFS clowns infuriated me when they would not accept our nice neat typed (using PDF pro) Visa Application form downloaded from the Spanish Visa Website – oh no,  it had to be transposed onto the VFS form which was identical except for a little VFS form number on the bottom of the page.

The only reason I can fathom for them insisting we do this is so that VFS can pretend they have been doing something.

– tossers.

Once filled in – we then had to make photocopies (why?)  from their machines which were available at a fee.

Surely – for the 3000 or so fee, they could have done this?     I still get angry thinking about it.

When we got the Visa back, it had the wrong dates on it.   We didn’t know until we went to collect it from Hua Hin.  Why the Agent who we paid money to ‘manage’ the process couldn’t check this before we made the journey is beyond me.  VFS to me was less than useless.

So it was with great pleasure and satisfaction when I heard the news that VFS is no longer dealing with Visas.  Wahoo.  Good.   May all of you idiots spend the rest of your lives realising what a bunch of twats you are.

Moving on… there is a new outfit in town.   BLS.    Thinking this mob would be better than the last – I was mistaken.

With all our paperwork completed – Miss Tim went online to book an appointment.   Nothing available for a week!

One week later – she turned up, they looked at the papers and rejected it!

In the application,  we listed the full agenda.  Flight tickets, hotel reservations etc.. it was all there.   All except for 3 days where I stated we would be staying at my friends house.    We had (confirmed) hotel reservations either side of the stay with my pal.   So what could be an issue?

They wanted a copy of my friends passport.   Why?       Like I said,  I had reservations in hotels before and after my visit to my friends.  Come to think of it,  what is stopping me from sleeping in my car if I wanted??  Twats.

Anyway,  if I asked them for what reason they needed it – they’d not be able to give me an answer so it was easy to just give it to them.    It was just a case of adding one bit of paper.

Easy enough – but we had to book another appointment.  Which was ANOTHER WEEK!   Why do they not have slots for re-submissions?  Why go through the whole process again?

Why?  because each appointment is recorded.  And the results of each appointment is recorded so that performance figures can be produced.  The more applications which are knocked back – the better it looks for BLS.   Oh what a good job they are doing!  Dicks.

So Miss Tim had to go back to HH and wait another week.   Back to Bangkok to handover the paperwork which took all of 2 minutes.

Then wait.    This is the second Spanish visa in a year.   One would assume that her records are on file – and that the background checks have already been done, so why is it taking longer than a 1st time application?

BLS do however give you a Tracking number so you can follow your application online.   This is actually horse shit.

For more than 2 weeks… this was the ‘tracker’

According to the ‘status’ online – the visa application is in Transit.   It has been in transit for 2 weeks now.   A distance of 100 yards has taken 2 weeks.  Why can’t they change the status to ‘being processed’?   That would at least make me think the application/passport is not in some idots bag who is walking around the city – lost.

After 17 days – we received an e-mail saying the passport was ready.     As many people don’t actually live within walking distance to the Agency – they do offer a postal service.   However,  as we have no confidence in these buffoons and as the Agency doesn’t check the visa before handing it over to you, Miss Tim had to once again head to Bangkok from HH.

I can only imagine the journeys (lots of them pointless) for people who live up in Issaan or other Shitsville places having to go to and from these Agencies.       I feel for them.

Here is an idea… if your visa application is missing something minor – then why not let the applicant address that error and re-submit with a day or so?    NOT have them wait another week for a new appointment.

Many people don’t have the means to hang around the city for a week.   They may have come from 100’s of miles away.

And then – when the application is back from the Embassy – and in the hands of the Agent – why can’t the agent check the Visa to confirm it’s o.k?   How many times have  there been errors?    How many poor people have travelled for hours to collect their Visa to find a mistake and have to resubmit it yet again through no fault of their own? Why oh why can those fools not check it before you embark on what is for some – and epic journey?

Seriously, why are Thai people making life so difficult for Thai people?   I am truly amazed.

So… it’s been two and a half weeks since submitting the visa application.   The ‘tracker’ says its in transit ever since day 1.  It’s now day 18 and the status has changed to ‘Ready for collection’. No e-mail or phone call.

What’s more, its Friday lunchtime.   So no time to travel from HH to Bangkok before the place closes for the weekend.

This morning Tim travelled to BKK via the ‘Mini-Vans of death’ to collect it.  Luckily I am not there – or I’d be asking the numpties what is the point of their Tracker.   All it basically says is ‘its submitted’ and ‘its ready’.   It’s a status, not a tracker you imbeciles.

Anyway – Visa is now in her hands – which is good.  Thankfully there are no mistakes this time which is a bonus – as next week we are off to Barcelona.

Good… need a bit of R&R.

As you were…

(Thai) Music to my ears…….

Seems I am not the only one who likes a little moan. I recently read on Stickboy that he is less than impressed with the music being played in some bars. – A subject close to my heart and one that I have written about many times in the past.

The beef? Well, my beef is with the bars that play that horrid Issaan music. Or any Thai music come to that. The patrons are not Thai,  they didn’t come to listen to that and It’s not as if it’s nice on the ears is it?

There is the (weak) argument that if it makes the girls happy – then that’s a good thing and in turn, that’ll make the punters happy?

No. I don’t agree. Every time I have been in a bar where they whack on a set of Thai music, every Thai starts jumping around, singing and generally going nuts with EACH OTHER. They don’t even notice there are Farangs in the place.

Mandarin have got it right. Next to the stage they have a big bucket of what I can only assume is cheapest, nastiest booze they could find – with about 50 straws. The girls get drunk. They’re happy, the punters are happy. At no point are everyone’s ears assaulted.

But let’s not beat up on the bar owners too much for the music.  Gogo’s are different – as they have some Thai DJ who plays the shite music that he and all his Thai mates are into.  When it comes to a small bar – its not so easy to please.

You can please all of the people some of the time or some of the people all of the time.  Casting my mind back to the Mango days – there was a particular group of people that I remember.  Always bitching about the music.

First they asked us to move a speaker – as it was above the table which they liked to sit at.  So we did.   Soon after they switched tables and complained the music was too close to their ears.

At the Mango we had the usual Rock/Pop collection of CD’s.  They’d moan everytime a song came on they didn’t like.    Eventually I asked one of them to give me a list of music they liked and I’d make up a playlist for them.  I was nice like that.

The guys response was (and I quote)  “It’s not my job”!!   Brilliant.  There I am trying to please him by playing music he likes – but am told I more or less had to read his mind to find out what he liked?!

From then on – I made a point of ignoring them.  All I had to do was stay away from the bar during happy hour or when there was a promotion on so as not to bump into the cheap charlie peasants.   I still see them about soi 4.  Hanging out in Happy Hour bars where they are not acknowledged by anyone.   Serves them right.   I could go on for hours about those expats who barely survive in Thailand . Buying fake crap and selling it on eBay.  These people are losers.

Another peeve I have (and I need to be careful so as not to offend some friends) is the people that wear those Amulets – when they are clearly not Thai or  Buddhist.

There is a guy at work who has one round his neck. He was married back in the UK.. got divorced, got some money, got old and then got a Thai bride. Fair enough. He’s happy, but why have this thing hanging round his neck?

I asked him. “I wear it to keep the wife happy” was his response. This made me dislike him even more. Nob. I am sure there are many things that he wife would like him to do – which he doesn’t. Lose weight, stop fucking around, stop speaking pigeon English, stop being a dick…etc… he doesn’t pay any attention to those requests.

No.. the only reason these guys wear this stuff is because they think it makes them interesting and Thai’s respect them – which they don’t. There is no other reason. I don’t buy this ‘it brings me luck’ crap – as that’s false and to be honest – total fantasy. I’ve not met one person who is in a good place right now who can lay claim to the fact the soppy piece of gold around their neck brought them luck.

I am however open to anybody explaining how this luck thing is real.  I’d like them to explain how these bring ‘good luck’ – when almost every car/van/truck in Thailand that was involved in a fatal crash had been blessed or had some kind of religious Charm in there somewhere.

If that’s good luck – you can keep it.

 

 

 

 

Back in Bangkok….

As some of you know – I am always on the lookout for a decent hotel.  While I am sure there are many out there – I  guess that I am too much of grumpy old bastard to appreciate the fine offerings out there.

Well that’s all changed now!

Someone suggested the Landmark Hotel.  And glad I am that they did.

I can’t tell you how refreshing it is to be a guest in a hotel where everyone there knows what they are doing – or should be doing.

I arrived at 8am – well before the usual 2pm check-in.  Normally I’d just head straight out for breakfast with the rats, but this time I was carrying some frozen (Indian) food in my case and I needed to get it back in the deep-freeze.   I’d already e-mailed ahead to the Landmark who told me they had the facilities to keep frozen goods.  Great.

I checked in at 8am and handed over my little cool bag.  The very smartly girl on reception asked me only for an electronic signature and apologized that it was not possible for them to give me the room just yet.  That was fine.  It was me that was early.   She did however say the room is empty and shall cleaned shortly.  With that, she gave me a drinks voucher and pointed me in the direction of the outside bar/café.

I couldn’t have been there more than 5 or 6 minutes.   Everything went as it should.   The reception desk was spotless, the staff dressed immaculately and utmost polite.

A few hours later, someone came and got me from the Café.    Room was ready by 10am.

I didn’t go mad – I went for the Executive room which was about 3500 a night – which I didn’t think was too bad.

Very nice room.  Everything you’d expect.  Massive bath, TV stations that I could actually watch and 24hour room service.

Not the cheapest of room service

The two days I stayed there were pleasurable.  When I was coming in and out, I was always greeted by the staff – regardless of what state I was in.

I shall most certainly be staying at the Landmark again.

Bath is big enough for 3….

But enough of that…. I was in Bangkok……

GamblinMan had a weekend off from the Casino so popped over the Bangkok.  Lomeo was out of town on some personal business so it was just to two of us.

We met up at the Huntsman.  Many times in the past we’d both been in there for a Sunday lunch.  Never disappointed. – until now!

I ordered the Chicken Pie with Curly Fries and GM ordered the Fish n Chips – with the fish to be in breadcrumbs.

When the food arrived, my fries were not curly and the fish was battered.   Hmm…  Even after the waitress read our order back to us and we were very clear on the order.

Still, it didn’t seem to matter to the waitress who basically just said eat your food and shut yer face.   GM was having none of it and sent it back, much to her annoyance.

It took them a whole 20 mins for them to scrape the batter off and dip it in breadcrumbs.  I should have told them to take mine and keep it heated up, but I have learned the hard way not to piss off the people that handle your food.  Besides, waiting that long for GM’s food – I am sure my fries starting curling up.

With a belly full – we thought it best to get a little exercise and walk it off.  All the way to soi 4.

Big Dogs (I think) was the first stop.  The usual corner.  Pretty uneventful.   The soi doesn’t cut a very nice picture in the daytime.  Or the night time either if we are honest.

The bars along Soi 4 are not of much interest to us anymore.  There is not one better than the other. None that have pretty girls or give better service than any other bar along the soi.  I don’t know how the prices compare but I assume they’re all competitive with each other.  – with the exception of Hooters which as everyone knows is a rip off – but is at least clean.

We did notice that in some of these bars – we were approached by girls – wanting to score drinks off us.  We politely told them to scram as 1) we were there to catch up and have a drink – not speak in ‘kids talk’ about where we are flom and what our names are and 2)  the daytime girls are hogs.

We did actually have one girl come out with ‘hellowhatyournamewhereyouflom’  without so much as a breath or pause.  One long sentence.  I don’t even think she knew what she was asking?

This past year or so has seen us ditch soi 4 and head for the soi 22 area.   Is this what happens to all people who have been in Thailand for a long period time?  I ask this as the people around the 22 area all seem to be of the more ‘mature’ end of the age group.

After several hours hopping around bars between 18-22 soi’s we headed to Cowboy.

Crazy House is always pumping so we thought we’d see what all the fuss is about.

Having had a few drinks in there – I am still not sure what all the fuss is about?  In fact, I really don’t like the place.  Its’s way too crowded with Japs downstairs and upstairs feels like you’re sitting in a staff changing room.  It’s dingy, dark and there are bunches of girls milling about the place.  In the corner we saw a pile of shoes which girls would come and put on, take off with no regard for verrucas or used band-aids which maybe lurking in them.

Not impressed with CH – we went for a stroll up Cowboy.  It used to be a soi where there would be many hot girls outside trying entice you in. No longer is the case.  The only reason to choose a bar over another – was because we had an old memory of the bar it used to be.

It didn’t take us long before we found ourselves at the top of the soi being offered fake Rolex watches by Indians and  being asked if we wanted an overpriced taxi.

And what is it with these Indians selling watches now?   Do they have an agreement with the Thai’s?  On a few occasion now, I have seen Indians approaching customers in bars – trying to sell fake/cheap shit.  Isn’t this the Thai ‘turf’?

In fact, that really annoys me now.  I tolerate Thai’s coming up to me when I am in a bar – trying to sell me a wooden flog, or a map of Thailand.  It’s their Country and they’re trying to make a living.  But Indians?   WTF?  Isn’t there a law against this?  Hang on.. what am I saying?  Law?

If memory serves me correct, we walked from Cowboy to Nana.  Gotta get them fitbit steps in.  Didn’t take long – not since the sidewalks are clear of ladyboys, dildos and DVD’s.

As per usual – we hit Pretty Lady.  Only a few girls I knew and none of them Pretty. There was a guy launching ping-pong balls at the girls.  I’ve done it many times myself.

Looking at it though – I see a flaw.  Why do people chuck ping-pong balls?  They chuck them so the girls can get a few bucks tip.  Good on them.  The girls are doing their thing on stage.. why not?

But where do most of the balls end up?  On the floor.  And who is on the floor?  The service girls.  Who more often than not are too ugly to be on a pole.  A lot of the time they are horrible creatures and don’t deserve the 20bht ping pong balls.  And if they are any good – they’ll have been given tips directly from the customers.  No.. I don’t agree with the Service Urchins getting in on the ping-pong ball act.

Out of there and into another bar.  Can’t remember the name.  It was shite though.  We drank our drinks as fast we could.   And saw something that both pissed us off and impressed us at the same time.

When GM paid the bill and was given his change… the girl held the little silver tray out to receive a tip.   As the note almost hit the tray, the girl pulled the tray back so the note landed on her hand – where she said a quick thank-you and backed away.  Masterful move.   If I ever go back there (and I wont) I’ll make damn sure she never gets a ping-pong ball.

Next up was Diamonds.  Owned by the girl who has Strapps and Jersey Bar.  I’ve known her for many years so we had a catch up.  Business is down all round.  Heard some interesting things about the place.   All I can say – is that I am glad I am no longer part of that world.

Time was cracking on and it was time for me to hit my crisp bed sheets.  The best thing about staying at the Landmark was its location.   Took me less than 5 minutes to get home.

Out like a light…  good comfy bed.  I could get used to that.

Lazy morning – driver was picking me up at 12.

Checking out was simple.  The staff were really polite and were nothing but professional.  The little guy arrived at my car with my still frozen cooler bag. Brilliant.

Time to head back to HH…….  looking forward to it.

 

 

 

More whinging….

Time flies when you’re having fun – apparently. Well, this past month has flown by, so I must have been having fun. I was having fun. But you know, as much as I have fun, there are always a few reasons that have my blood boiling and make me want to punch someone in the face. So what have I to whinge at this time? Only a few things. I’ll keep it short.

I have given up caring about the motorists in Thailand. I’ve learned to accept that no one can drive for shit here and I’ve no sympathy when I see people crash. The only people I feel bad for are the innocent people on the roads who get hit – but saying that, there is a high probability that person doesn’t have a license or insurance either.

But anyway…..

Thai Banks. I don’t have a Thai bank account. I bank in various places in the world, but when it comes to Thailand – I feel they’re in the dark ages.

Each month I am back in Thailand I’ll send Miss Tim (or a Rat) an amount of money which they’ll withdraw and give to me in cash which I can then invest into the local economy.

When I carry out my online transfer – I check all the boxes which say I shall pay ALL fee’s from my account – which I note I am always charged. ALL fee’s.

So why is it, the receiving bank then charges the account holder 100bht? What part about me saying I’ll pay all fee’s from my account to they not understand?

– its no biggie – I just have to add on another 100bht when I send money. It’s just as this extra 100bht is not mentioned anywhere in the transfer fee’s, I feel like a motorist during a police roadside check.

And then there are the branches. Why is it you are charged to withdraw your own money from an ATM – FROM YOUR BANK but in another city? Miss Tim is charged each time she uses an ATM in HH. Using the ATM of HER BANK but the account was opened in Bangkok. Really? Why?

I can’t remember the name of her Bank, she has a few and probably a few secret ones too, but she is not offered a Visa card or Online banking for some reason. And don’t get me started on all the queues, form filling in and little books that have your balance printed on them. Like I said. Dark ages.

So there I am with a fist full of dollars – which at some point I’ll head off to a supermarket to purchase food that looks like it’s been prepared by a professional company rather than some scabby old woman using a cauldron of 6 month old cooking fat.

What is it about shoppers that makes them leave trolleys and baskets at various stages of being filled – all over place? Just the other day I must have had to move 2 or three ‘abandoned’ trolleys out of my way and kicked at least 2 or 3 baskets which some lazy bastard couldn’t be bothered to carry.

O.k, maybe I can understand a full basket being placed on the floor if it’s heavy, but not in the middle of the isle?

Again, it’s numpties that have no brains that piss me off. More often than not, I’ll give Miss Tim the shopping list and have her seek out the goods – leaving me outside to take deep breaths while trying not fantasize about going on a rampage.

Speaking (whinging) of shops, I plain refuse to enter any shop that requests I remove my shoes – and therefore expose my feet to whatever filth, disease, puss and germs which have been laid down by the people who have walked there before me.

My latest experience in this is the pet grooming clinic. Hmmm, a ‘Clinic’. O.k, maybe an exception should be made? Well, I have no choice in going inside, as I have the hairiest Persian cats in the world who need their monthly pampering. Inside the clinic there is a vets surgery and all the floors are shiny and polished. Maybe this place is the exception and kept sterile all the time?

Wrong. After leaving my shoes OUTSIDE, I entered the Clinic only to find a motorcycle in the corner and a puddle piss in the middle of the floor. So I question the need for me to remove my shoes and expose myself to whatever else is on the floor which I can’t see?

I could be accused of being a little fussy, but then is it fussy – wanting a better service? It’s not like I am expecting people/companies to use technology they don’t have or use skills they’ve not acquired – all I am (foolishly) expecting is for people to use their brains and think about what they’re doing and why they’re doing it.

Seems to me like an awful lot of people need a punch in the face.

Carry on.

Phuk This – Final Update…..

Week 2 into my month off – Miss Tim and I headed for Phuket. It’s been quite a few years since the last visit and couldn’t really remember too much about it.

Is there a reason neither Sticks ever mention Phuket?

After a few days in Bangkok (more on that at a later date) we were ready for some R&R.

The Kalima Resort was the accommodation of choice. Not too far from Patong Beach.

The resort is pretty nice. Lovely views over the sea – infinity pool and nice rooms. All the things you’d expect from a nice place.

What we didn’t expect was the occupancy seems to be 80% Chinese! They are now everywhere. They seem to have taken the planet by storm. I guess I just hate all people. As I get annoyed when they all descend on the pool – talking (shouting) at each other and taking selfies everywhere. Seriously.. they never put their phones down.

And what’s with tattoos these days? I don’t mean an ‘inked-up’ arm or lower back tatt… I am talking about the most hideous front thigh tattoo – a greeny blue stupid image on a big fat white leg?! Some fat skank had tattoos on the thigh front and back – but we had no idea what the tattoo was of? Maybe it was a pet she loved and lost – so thought she’d have a picture inked onto her leg. – Of how the dog looked after is was hit by several cars.

I must say that the Chinese must have amazing motabalisms. They all seem to be relatively small – so how on earth are they able to demolish the breakfast buffet with such militarily precision.
Once again, I just sit and dream about a time when I can sit in my own planet – with no one around to piss me off.

A few days kicking around the resort – saw us head into the town. Bit of day time perusal of the large shopping mall. – And what shit it is. Every shop seems to be selling the same old tat. And it is tat. The usual crap that you’ll see all over Bangkok, but at twice the price.
Everything here seems expensive. And when I say expensive, it’s still not expensive as other places in the world, but compared to Bangkok and Hua Hin, it is more expensive here.

Into the bars – Bangla road looks a mess. Very similar to Pattaya Walking Street. In the daytime it’s just a hot mess with cables, garbage bins and noodle stalls everywhere. The darkness is a warm welcome as it hides much of this pig-sty.

We hit a few bars – and were consistently served Vodka with some flat coke. The bars all seemed old, which matched the age of the staff. Not much fun or atmosphere. A couple of the bars which are expat owned had their loyal friends propped at the bar. Older guys, faded tattoos, overweight with cheap jewelry trying to convince themselves they are living the dream. They stay in the same chair all night – talking pigeon English telling lies to hookers. Tossers. If I ever end up like that – shoot me.

The street itself is closed off from traffic around 7pm – and it’s then a ‘walking street’. People watching being a interesting pastime for us – we couldn’t help but notice the majority of the tourists here are Chinese, followed by Scandos and Arabs. Not seeing many Americans/Brits.

I assume that for many of the tourists – Phuket is the only experience of Thailand for many people. That can only be the reason why people flock towards a few LB’s who are dressed up in some theatrical frocks. Here the ‘3 lads’ stand together and charge 100bht to have their photo taken with you.

Really? 100bht for a photo of an LB?

Cheaper in Nana….

Jonas knows an LB who will suck you off for an extra 100bht.
Madness.

We stuck it out – and in no time at all we were drunk. Five hours of bar hopping was enough and it was time to head home. The 2km back to the hotel is mainly uphill – so phuk that, we’re getting a cab. The 7 minute journey costs 300bht. Again, can’t help but feel we are being ripped off.

Speaking of the traffic – it’s nice to see that everyone wears a crash helmet. Although, with the amount of traffic there is here, I don’t think it’s possible to go fast enough to get hurt in a crash.

Another few days left before heading back to HH. If I am honest, I think I’d have preferred to stay home that visit this shithole. The hotel is great and the staff are really nice. The room, view, pool fantastic. Phuket though – seems a bit lowerclass scumbaggy for my liking.

Of course – there are many other parts of Phuket – but as I didn’t fancy renting a car or bike, we are limited to a smaller radius.

Tomorrow we shall head to the beach and see if we can get ripped off by assholes renting out jet-skis.

** Updates….

Went for a little stroll in the hood yesterday. Stopped off at a little beach front cafe.

Pina Colada & Water Melon juice…. 700bht. Plus the obligatory service charge and tax which is 17% on top.

I would happily pay that – if it was worth it. But it was shite!

For 700bht, I’d expect 500 change.

Later on… we went on another stroll and came across a nice looking restaurant called the ‘White Box’. Went in and was asked if we had a reservation. That’s a normal question to be asked when there are customers – but as we were the only ones in the place – it was rather funny.

One of those very swanky places that is total over-kill. I’ll not bother going into it – as it’ll make me sound like a grumpy old man – but when I pay over 4k (+ tax!)for dinner – I don’t expect to leave the restaurant feeling hungry.

Oh it looked very nice – but the ‘see view’ is not really a feature at night – when all you can see is your reflection in the windows. The background music was so quiet that you can hear staff talking and bugs farting. No atmosphere whatsoever.

I wished I lived next door – so it would have meaning when I say I will never return there again.

Like a scene from the Walking Dead.

Final update…

I am no photographer. Never wanna be, never gonna be. When I am out about and see something I want to capture – I’ll snap it with my phone. Maybe I’ll share it with some friends, maybe I’ll recall upon it at a later date when telling a story – but more often than not – I am the only one that will see it.

When I see people walking around with bloody great cameras strapped around their necks – all I see is someone who is saying they need professional equipment to take pictures and post on facebook/snapshat and Instacrap. Dicks.

Since being here – at this lovely hotel, every single Chinese person I have seen is either taking selfies in the pool or setting up major camera equipment to take pictures of their boiled egg. Really?

We watched a couple of clowns in the pool yesterday – posing for ages for the camera. Who do they think they are? Supermodels they are not. The pictures they took (when they could have been relaxing) will no doubt end up on facebook – in a bid to convince everyone they are having a great time in a wonderful place. In reality, they are painstakingly using up all their time trying to get a photo while waiting for other people to move out of the background shot. – Dicks.

I know I sound like an old bastard when I say this – but why is it people are so dependent on their smartphones? I sit at dinner and talk to whoever I am with. I now see a table of four or more and each one is glued to their smartphone. – Dicks.

Moving on…

Last night was the last night of our little getaway. – We headed into Patong to give it one last chance to impress us.

Opinion unchained. The place is still a shithole.

For 100bht, you can have your photo take with her.

Chatting with the driver – he was telling us how the place is just overrun with Chinese. The Chinese are not big drinkers either, but they do eat. So most of the establishments are now restaurants rather than bars. Sign of the times.

If you’re thinking of starting a business here – forget the bars. Don’t even bother with a restaurant. If you want a business idea – open up a camera accessory shop. Instant success.

I’m a Westerner…. Get me out of here.