After a few weeks in Hua Hin…. Getting bored out of my skull – I headed off to Bangkok for a few days to catch up with some pals. But mainly, I wanted to get my shoes (trainers) cleaned on soi 4.

Booked in at the Radisson Suites. It looked o.k on the pictures. They all do.

Looked o.k.. from the outside.

I had booked a room and paid for it a few days in advance. We turned up at the check-in desk at 3pm expecting a speedy process. Silly me. This is Thailand after all. Most top hotels just require a signature and that’s it… you’re on your way. I arrived at the Radisson and was asked to complete a form that was half filled in. Only problem, the info on the form was not my info. It had my name, but the address, phone numbers, email… all someone else’s. So they gave me a blank form to fill in.

I explained that I had already provided all this information when I booked/paid for the room. So was just told to sign the bottom and they’d fill it all in.

I was then asked if I want a smoking or non-smoking room. I replied that I booked a non-smoking, so would like a non-smoking.

Then the apologies came. Sorry sir, the room is not ready yet, house-keeping are just cleaning it. Which actually means housekeeping will be called in a minute and sent to the room to clean it.

A good house-keeping crew can turn a room around in 10 minutes easy.

So, we were sent to the bar to claim some complimentary drinks. We were not too put out. The bar was fairly trendy and we were given free booze. We were not in a rush so were not too bothered. Delays I can deal with. Incompetence I get pissed off with.

Fifteen mins later the reception man came over with a key card and gave it to us. Close behind was the Porter chap who offered to take our bags to the room and ran off with my key card promising to return in a few minutes.

Five mins later the Reception man came over saying he’d given us the wrong room and needed the key card back. I explained the Porter had already run off so he’d better go track him (and my bags) down.

Thirty mins after check-in we were finally at the room. Outside the room was a load of drilling going on in a service door hatch. The Porter apologised for the noise and said it’d be done by 5pm. I am not a complete asshole. I understand that maintenance/repairs need carrying out and it’s better to do during the day than at night. So I can accept that.

Not a bad 1 bedroom suite – but I did notice there were a load of paint chips off the kitchen cupboards. This really makes the room look shoddy.

In the office/study area the desk lamp was blown. Again, it’s the small things that let a nice place down.

Thought I’d have a nap.. but there was a lot of noise. The main noise sounded like the huge aircon in the lounge. It sounded like a small aircraft. It was on ‘low’ so I couldn’t get it any quieter.
Nap plans scrapped I headed out. Outside the door was a small industrial blow dryer. That was the noise. Work may have stopped around 5.. but this bloody machine was on full steam ahead. I am guessing there was a water leak?

Can’t say I was impressed.

Looking at the doorway/carpet to my room – I can’t help but think 5 Star quality is not what it used to be?

Into Soi 4. I wanted my sneaks cleaned so headed for Hooters. Great location to grab the street vendors – or for them to grab you.

Hooters was rammed so we went directly opposite to K&S Bar. Still shit. This place is just horrible.
For some mad reason on a Friday afternoon, they were blasting some techno crap music through the speakers. Surely this isn’t what people want?

I sent my first drink back and asked them to serve it in tall glass as their Tumblers were more like Ladydrink glasses. The place is just horrid. As soon as we spied some available seats opposite in Hooters we made a dash for it.

Why did I bother? Hooters is a complete rip off. Service is shite. The only reason we went there was to get a shoe-cleaner. I think I can honestly say that every time I have been in Hooters, I have been offered a shoe shine. Not this time. Shit, I couldn’t even get offered a drink.

Probably why we couldn’t get served?

After waving our arms int her air, waving them like we just don’t care – the SECURITY GUARD came over and took our drinks order. I kid you not. The girls were too busy doing fuck all – being given a motivational talk by a senior member of staff – while everyone waited to be served.

Sod this, I’ll just buy new trainers. One drink and out the door, making a point of giving 100bht to the Security Guard for showing some initiative.

Next up was some little bar on the corner – opposite Chequres. Can’t remember the name. They had street-side stools so we had a few in there. It’s not a bad place to hang out. It’s small enough not to be packed with arseholes.

More drinks and more waiting for a bloody shoe-shine kid.

An ex-Pretty Lady girl came over. Must be 10 years since she left the pole. She remembered me. I’d like to say I remember her – but let’s be honest, they all look the same.

She tried to Massage my back which I absolutely hate. Had to tell her I had sunburn to get her to stop.

Not wanting to make small talk with her – we headed to the new Hillary Bar. Absolutely packed. Live music on the menu as always. Not really my thing.

Nice bar. It’s a better feel than the Hilary 2 – which is mainly full of riff-raff power drinkers thinking that playing pool makes them look attractive to all the girls. (it doesn’t).

Time was getting on and after much drinking the natural gravitational pull to the Nana Plaza kicked in.
Where to go? Well, we have come to the conclusion that one of the best places to have a beer in the Plaza is in the beer garden slap bang in the middle. Great 360 degree views.

I think one of the best places to take in the Plaza.

We were in the Plaza…. Might aswell go to a gogo. Pretty Lady (or whatever it’s called now?) was closest. The place is huge. Too huge. Half empty and if I remember right, they had the lights off in the empty section. The girls were far from Pretty. I can only assume it’s now called Ugly Pigs?
One drink and out the door we ran. I can’t see me going back there in a hurry. Or ever.

Up the stairs into BillBoard. Holy crap. There really is no point in going to any other bar in the Plaza. If you were to get a girl from any other bar – and then visit BillBoard, you’d be gutted. Seriously, I have never seen a gogo with so many stunning girls. It was like a party at the house of Vincent Chase (google it)

I don’t know the barfines and I don’t know the prices… but whatever it is.. I am sure it’s worth it.

As all those avenues of pleasure were closed off to me – I headed back to the Hotel. I was wasted.

By the time I got back to the room, sat on the bed and looked down at my feet. Sod it.. I still didn’t get my trainers cleaned.

Last night I went to Bangkok to watch Jim Jefferies stand up show. He is one of the few comedians I like these days.

I left Hua Hin around 1pm – straight to soi 4 to wait for some pals.

I had an hour to kill so went to HOOTERS – hoping I would see one of the shoe-shine people as I wanted my trainers cleaned. This is the 3rd time I have been to soi 4 now and not seen the shoe-shine people. Plenty of flowers, fake iPhones and sunglasses – but no shoe-shines. What’s the world coming to?

While in HOOTERS I had a bit of chicken which what absolute shite. They also missed off one of my orders. The service in there is really crap. The food is horrid and the drinks are way over-priced. The only reason I go in there is because of the location. Not anymore. You’d have to pay me to go in there now. Utter shite.

Off we went to Big Dogs. It’s so much better now they’ve renovated. I had a vodka and as per usual, had it served in a pathetic lady-drink tumbler. After 30 seconds it was gone – so ordered another but asked for a tall glass. When the fat ugly trog delivered the drink, it was Bacardi and coke. Even though the previous drink on the bill showed Vodka, for some reason the thick cow gave me Bacardi.

I told her I wanted Vodka. She started gobbing off saying she’d go get me a new drink but could she have the Bacardi?!! So she gets my drink wrong and then thinks I should pay for it and give it to her as some kind of reward? I told her to ram it – but one of the lads just said if you drink that – make sure you drink it on another table and stay away from us. I had to find my happy place, as I was getting mad.

Off to Siam Square to see the show. It was pretty good. He is funny. As with all Comedians, there are Hecklers. For some reason Hecklers thing they’re funny but rarely get a laugh and just embarrass themselves.

There was one girl who shouted something out at Jim – so he engaged is a bit of dialog. He asked why she wasn’t at work shooting ping-pong balls out of her box – to which she replied ‘its my night off’.

This did managed to raise a laugh… so Jim went further.. ‘What is it you do for a living’. Fair enough question. She replied ‘pay me and I will tell you’. “PAY ME”? Bloody PAY ME? I actually felt embarrassed. A theater full of expats and this Thai basically just confirmed the stereo-type of all Thai girls. ‘Pay me and I will tell you’? What on earth was she thinking?

By 10pm it was over – and back to Nana for a few drinks before going home to HH.

Forget Sickmans reports from afar that the bars are empty – the place was heaving. Couldn’t be arsed with walking all down the soi looking for a table so ducked into Melody UK (now called Golden Bar)

There was a few tables available, probably because all the staff were absolute monsters. Some were playing pool with various punters. Each time a girl potted a ball, they’d all scream. That was enough to get us to pay up and leave.

The lads went onto Soi 31 area. I called my driver and asked him to meet me 2 hours earlier than arranged. I had my fill of Bangkok/Soi 4 / Thai girls.

Whilst waiting at the entrance of Nana Carpark for my driver, I found myself surrounded my middle-eastern wankers. A group of about 6 sweaty, smelly bearded assholes. They were generally making a nuisance of themselves, not moving out the way when people were trying to walk past. They were not trying to do a ‘deal’ with some girls in Nana. It was obvious they were not making the best pitch to the girls as they kept walking away – leaving these scumbags getting more annoyed.

If I had Jonas with me – I’d have gladly picked a fight with all of them. As I was on my own and didn’t want to get anymore dirt (blood) on my shoes I just got in the car and left my woes behind.

Screw this place.

I have 2 large suitcases packed…heading to the UK soon.

‘Let me be Frank’

Is the name of the Former Heavy Weight Boxing Champion Frank Bruno’s book.   A book that big Frank signed for me last night at ‘evening with Frank’.

I am a boxing fan.  Although I must admit my interest has dropped off the last decade – when Mike Tyson lost his mojo.

I went to see Mike Tyson fight in Manchester in 2000.   It was awesome.

Last night was a different vibe.  Frank Bruno retired from boxing when he lost his Championship title to Mike Tyson 20 odd years ago.   Now, in his late 50’s,  big Frank is still a popular British sports personality and has enough interest to fill out a function room in the Intercontinental Hotel in Hua Hin in the middle of January.

Ten persons to a table… and limited to 8 tables.  A decent crowd.  Most people were holiday makers and some long term expats who I would have loved to have punched in boxing ring myself. More on that later..

To kick things off, everyone gathered in the gardens for drinks.  Big Frank arrived and worked the crowd, shaking hands and posing for photos.   I was genuinely impressed at how nice and polite he was.  Of course he is getting paid for it – but he really did put the work in.

I’m the one on the right

The night was a buffet dinner, a talk by Frank on the highlights of his career, an Auction of sporting memorabilia, a raffle and some Q&A with Frank and the guests.

Dinner was good.  It was a buffet – but it’s the Intercontinental.  Good quality and great service.  Lots of the guests were going up for second and third helpings.  I have a special place in my heart for these kinds of people.  Twats.

While Frank was sitting at his table… alone, I took the opportunity to ask him to sign a copy of his book that I have.  He did it happily.

Frank on stage.. went through a little script of his career and some of his personal struggles with Mental Health.   All of which is covered in his book in great detail.   Surprisingly,  he is pretty switched on.  And I say ‘surprisingly’ because the general public’s perception of Frank is that he is the arse end of the Pantomime horse.  That’s down to the garbage tabloid papers who dream up headlines and rubbish to sell papers.  Don’t believe he is a dummy.  He is a normal bloke and was pretty quick on his jokes.

After a drinks break – the Action started.  There were 5 pieces on offer.  All in nice display frames.

They probably wont even fit me.

Sugar Ray Leonard Shorts

Bruno signed glove.

Mike Tyson signed shorts

Glove signed by Mike Tyson & Anthony Joshua

Photo signed by some old footballers?

There is a reason the Auction is toward the end of the night – it’s so all the idiots get drunk on wine and go mad on the bidding.  Who on earth would want a pair of shorts which someone’s written their name on?   Fools.

The 1^st item went for 30k…. the second for about 20k.    Then the Tyson shorts came up… 5…. 10…12…13.. then some idiot shouted out ’20 thousand’.    No more bids after that.

Then there was the Tyson & Joshua glove…  bidding kicked off at 5…7…9…12..15…20….25… then the fool who bought the shorts won the glove for 30 thousand.

Can’t remember what the Footy thing went for.  Can’t say I was interested.

Another session with Frank on the stage answering questions.   Everyone being respectful and paying attention – except for the table next to ours.  Some horrid ‘middle-eastern’ old bastard was talking to his missus.  And when I say ‘missus’.. I mean a pig ugly ladyboy who had a nose bigger than Brunos.  They were horrible and totally disrespectful.   I gave it a big ‘ssssshhhhhhhh’ and a death stare – and they finally shut their fat ugly faces.

Questions from the floor…   the usual questions came up… ‘who do you think the inspirations for kids is today’…..  ‘who was your toughest opponents’ etc…..   then it was my turn, wanting to make things a little lighter.   I asked ‘Frank, when you were in the hospital, your emotions running high and the doctors telling you to take their cocktail of drugs which you didn’t want…. Did you ever tell them ‘make me!’

Let’s face it… he’s a big fella.  I can’t see how anyone could make him do something he didn’t want to do.  But he’s not daft.  He said he had to tow the line and play their game or he’d be seen as uncooperative – which is true.   But he saw where I was coming from and did say ‘I did tell them doctors to fuck off a few times’!   – And that was the only time he swore last night.

That was the end of the night…   and he stayed around to sign the backs of the Auction items and pose for a few more photos.

Couldn’t stop him writing over everything…

It was a really good night and for a boxing fan – it was thoroughly enjoyable. 

The night started around 18:30 and we left around 22:30.

I was then left with the problem of what on earth am I going to do with the memorabilia I had just won at auction.

Only the one glove then?

So what’s pissing me off so far this year?

1 week in – and I am already in a fit of rage this week….

1. Twat Thai fools on motorcycles with no lights (at night).
2. Twat Thai fools in cars or on bikes who stop on roundabouts?!
3. Waiters/Waitresses who take my plate away immediately after I have put my knife and fork down. (fine when if i am dining on my own)
4. Having my Appetizer served 20 mins AFTER the main course.
5. Getting told off by Miss Tim for complaining all the time…

Had to laugh this week… as I walked through Hua Hin high street the other night, some Indian Tailor called out to me… this is how the conversation went

Annoying Indian Tailor:   “Hey my Brother…  good suit, top quality…. how are you”?

Me: “Poke your crap clothes up your arse”

Miss Tim:  “Why do you have to be so nasty.  Just walk away and ignore them, no need to be nasty”

Me: (with an innocent look on my face) “Ignore him?  That would be rude to ignore him… after all, he is my Brother “.

“Why am I here”?  Is a question I get asked a fair bit.  It’s a good question and one I ask myself a lot.   Fact is,  I am too lazy to do anything about it right now – and to be honest, no matter where I go – I am sure it’ll have it’s fair share of assholes there too.

This week I am going to look at clearing out my wardrobes of all the clothes that I have never worn,  books that I have never read and DVD’s that I have never watched.  I seem to have accumulated a lot of crap over the last 15 years – so want to have a tidy up so I can just walk (run) away with just a couple of suitcases when I do bugger off.

Will need to figure out what to do with them bloody cats also.

Why should I care?

Meanwhile in Hua HIn.. weather has been crap.  I was heading to Pattaya but the weather there is crap too.

I’ll do Pattaya next week.  This week we’ll head to Bangkok. Wednesday to Saturday me thinks.   Hotels?  Looking online,  I see a list of hotels which can all be filtered/sorted by Price, Stars, Popularity etc… I can’t see any filters showing ‘number of Chinese and Indians’..   Now that WOULD be a useful tool.   Landmark Hotel it is then….

Carry on…..

Hua Hin is currently packed.  I’ve never seen so many Scandos.  They are now outnumbering the Chinese.

The other night we avoided the town and headed to some bars which are off the beaten track – near Aums Restaurant.  (Aum used to work at the Mango with her pal Yo)

The little bars we  visted all seemed to be a shop unit with some chairs, tables, a bar and a fridge.   Sorry – but for me, they just don’t have the bar ‘feel’.  More like hanging out in someones garage.   All owned by an old expat and his young(ish) Thai wife – ‘living the dream’.

The customers I met were all of a similar type.  I got the feeling they were waiting on new faces to enter the bar – so they could tell their stories thinking I’d be impressed – thus giving them them the confirmation they were looking for, to convince themselves they are living the dream also.

Sorry,  but I am not one to play Top Trumps with.

The 1st couple I met were quick to tell me they had been living here a few years now.  They spend most of their time hanging out around the little bars on the outskirts of town (cheaper) and tell me how much they like the people and the food etc.

That’s when I tell them I have been here 15 years and am sick of all this shit.  The food isn’t that good, the Thai’s hate us and everything here is shit.

I do like to cheer people up!

One of my favorite example scenarios is asking them how many times they have seen an Ambulance – stuck in traffic?  No one giving a rats about the Ambulance with it’s lights on and going nowhere because no one lets them through.  Now imagine they are in the back of it suffering a heart attack.  Or worse – it’s on it’s way to you having suffered a heart attack.

Tourists only see the all the nice things Thailand has to offer.  Short-term expats ignore all the problems that come with living in Thailand and the long-term expats try and convince everyone they have adapted to Thai life and they embrace it.  They may even wear a little Buddha around their necks to convince you.

Let’s be honest – if you live here for more than 10 years and you accept the Thai way of life – then you’re an idiot.  You have sub-standards and hang around in crappy bars waiting for them to bring out the balloons so you can get a free feeding of deep fried shite.   Most probably the bar is called ‘Lek Bar’.

These are the people I am seeing a lot of.

One of the bar owners was trying to convince me that he was living the dream – running a bar – when in actual fact, all he had done was financed his wife’s little business and sits at a table each night drinking beer with other old cronies.

Trying to impress – the guy boasts how he came to Thailand a few years ago  to open a bar in his mid-60’s.    Yes pal, been there, done that.  Did that in Bangkok when I was 30.  What else you got?

So it’s safe to say I don’t mix well with others.    When you are a Tourist, you like mixing with residents – to gain a little of their knowledge.  I personally prefer to mix with tourists who have not yet realised that Thailand isn’t the best place on the planet and sure as shit isn’t the Land of Smiles they think it is.

Why am I being so grumpy today?  Well, apart from it pissing down with rain, last night we were at a restaurant where once again, as soon as I had put my knife and fork down, they tried to take away my plate – still with food on it.  It didn’t matter that Miss Tim was still half-way through her food.

The previous night our Appetisers arrived 30 minutes AFTER our main course?!  And just a (fake) smile and an apology.

On the way home – I had to stop on the main road as a sea of traffic was crossing.  It was my right of way and there was no traffic behind me.  The vehicles didn’t think to let the person who has right of way pass – as there was nothing behind me anyway, so they’d not have been slowed down.

And then there was the roundabout which people had stopped on to let traffic enter.  I found myself shouting at these idiots to keep moving and stop being fucking idiots.  Only to get a slap from Miss Tim for being so angry.   Does she not realise it’s twats like these who don’t know how to drive that cause accidents.   And as we know, the Ambulance will not be able to get to the scene of that accident as no drivers give way to them.

Miss Tim has a friend who saved up a bit of cash.  Not a lot… about 50k (bht).   As this is a good chunk of change to a Thai – they’d get the urge too gamble or drink it.  So she did what she thought was right and put a down payment on a car – with monthly payments for the rest of her life.

All well and good, but in the first 2 weeks of ownership she has crashed it twice.  Only minor – but still crashes.  Front a rear are dented and the car she hit was paid off with 10k.  The person she crashed into preferring to keep the money and the dents.

Why am I talking about this?  Well, her pal can’t drive.  She has never driven before.  She has no licence.  She has insurance – but I would question the validity of that – seeing as she can’t drive.   According to her, if you crash, you just give your friends name as the driver and everything is fine.   And this is how Thai’s think.

So if she runs some poor bastard (like me) over – with my spine wrapped around the rear axle, I am sure everything will be fine.  She’ll just phone a friend and her insurance will pay for my new wheelchair.

I am sure that insurance companies here could get out of 99% of their claims if they were to investigate.  Shit, in the UK, I pay 1000’s a year on vehicles which are kept in storage, have to have CCTV, fixed mileage, alarmed, tracked and big heavy chains securing them.  And have to prove all of this before they would even entertain paying out if one were stolen or exploded.

Here in Thailand.. you can walk into a showroom, put a 1000 bucks down on a new car and drive it off.  No license, no problem!

Of course, if you’re a Tourist, you’d never think about it.  If you’re a short-term expat, you’d pretend it doesn’t happen that often.  If you’re a long-term expat, you are probably paying the money for your girl to go and do the same.

I was supposed to be heading off to Pattaya this week – but it’s going to be pissing down until next week.  Which means the Ferry won’t be operating.  Of course, they’ll still take your money – but wont set sail.

No,  I’ll just sit here… and wish I was back at work with most other people.  Thailand right now, in the rain, people are assholes….  it’s shit.

Should have stayed a tourist.

Another year done…  looking forward to the next.. blah blah blah….  who gives a rats?

For me, every year is the same.  I’ve not had a bad year since 1991 when I crashed my moped.  Stupid diesel on the road.

The reason that springs to mind is because last night my year was almost ruined as I nearly crashed my little scooter.

Riding a long there was a bike in front.  Two people, no helmets and no lights.  As we approached an intersection there was a Police stop-check and this asshole on a bike infront slammed his brakes on and performed an immediate U-Turn right infront of me.  I managed to slam my brakes on in  time and avoided him – multi-tasking as I called him every name under the sun and blasted my horn at them. Assholes.  I would have love to have given chase and punched their fucking lights out.

A constant reminder of how dangerous the roads are here, and how much the people are fucking idiots.

So yeah,  2019 I will start my plan on heading back to the UK.  I’ve been stock-piling cars, motorbikes and big warm coats.  I live in a pretty cool place where I live in the City – so am looking forward to spending time in a place I bought 10 years ago – but have spent less than a year in.   Time to move.

For all you people looking to come to Thailand wanting to live the dream…  remember,  sooner or later you’ll wake up from your dream.

Hopefully tonight will be the last NYE I have in Thailand.  At least the last time I have a NYE here where I go home after and not back to a hotel.  I am sure I’ll come back for holidays. Maybe.

Hitting the town tonight.  Usual places.. usual people.   I’ve been home only a few days and am already struggling to think of things to keep myself entertained.

Bangkok and Pattaya next week me thinks….

Happy New Year!!

Next year for me – I am thinking will be my last year in Thailand.  I am finding in increasingly more difficult to enjoy myself here these days.

I have just left work for the next 4 weeks. Can’t say it was very ‘festive’ at work – but that was down to me being a miserable bastard. Our Iraqi colleagues made a great effort in making things festive for us.

All the expats brought in ‘stuff’ for Christmas and laid it out on the Conference room table for us all to gather round in the afternoon. Obviously there was no one coordinating this – as we ended up with about 30 blocks of cheese, 20 Chorizo sausages and some crackers. Still… it’s the thought that counts.

When you’re at home – tv or Christmas music on, a glass of sherry in hand, stupid hat on etc… it’s an easy time, standing around chatting to friends/family.. but when you’re at work, grabbing a chunk of cheese and a glob of chutney whilst talking about Technical Bid Evaluations is about as good as it’s going to get. Still, there is always next year.

But don’t go feeling sorry for me too much. It’s not like I do this for free. I may have missed Christmas – but will not miss buying myself a Christmas Present. I just need to figure out where I am going to park it.

The plane ride home was o.k.. via Doha this time. The airport lounge is pretty good and not busy. Just like every other airport lounge, the food is crap.

On board, there is no longer a 1st-Class. I guess they realized it’s a waste of cash as who in their right mind would pay for that? Most people in 1st are there because they have to use up some airmiles or they got a free upgrade as the cheap seats were full and people got bumped up to Business and Business got bumped upto First.

Flights at the moment are pretty expensive. Which is probably why the plane was empty? I am sure there were still the half million Chinese at the back of the plane – one of them carrying a flag.

Just how I like it….

When we landed – the airport was empty. From leaving the plane to being in the car driving home was no more than 15 mins! Amazing. I didn’t even bother with the Premium Immigration as the one person who works there was not going to get through as many as the 10 immigration officials in the normal line. – Which was empty.

Only took 2.5 hours to get from the Airport to Hua Hin this morning. Home by 06:30 – no traffic.

So far so good. A lazy day to relax – and then head out tonight on the lash with Miss Tim.

Of course… my trips always start off well. Then go down hill fast. So this might be the happiest post you see here for the next month.

Fingers crossed.

Tis the season to be jolly tra-la-la-la….la-la-la-laaaaa

That’s enough of that festive nonsense. This year I shall be working. A few days after Christmas I will be going on leave for a month. Where to go?

Usually I prefer to spend the Christmas period in the UK. I like the cold, dark Christmassy atmosphere. However, as I’ll be in the middle-east for that, there is no point going to the UK after its all just finished.

New Year in the UK is a nightmare. It’s cold. Damn cold. Which is o.k – except in bars (if you can get in) they are packed and really hot. Leaving you to dump your nice coat on the back of a chair and hope that some oik doesn’t steal it.

No, the UK on New Years Eve is not that much fun (when you’re old like me)

Lots of my pals are all married with kids – so there will be a number of House parties to choose from. However, all the people in attendance are the wrong side of 40, talk about bloody kids and bore me senseless. All the women talk to me about how all Thai girls are boys and that it’s time I settle down, get married and have kids. All the blokes want to know if I have ever been with a Lady boy and what was it like?
(for the record – I have not and never will go with an LB as I am not gay)

So what shall I do? Well, all my UK friends are no longer my kind of people.

I guess I’ll just head back to Thailand and try to avoid the Christmas Speedos on the beach.

I’ve a small circle of friends in HH which I like spending time with.

Most of the people in Bangkok I used to knock around with have long since gone after I pointed out hat maybe once in a while they should get a round of drinks in instead of leaching off me. That separated the men from the wasters.

There is also a group of people in Bangkok that I don’t want to be near – incase someone gets hurt – and I don’t mean me. They may be taller and older than me – but I still get the urge to punch them in the face if ever I see them again.

Worst case scenario is I get arrested, have to fork out a few bucks and have my picture taken of me pointing at their broken nose.

– totally worth it.

But no – it’s back to Hua Hin, stay out of trouble and try to find some of the festive cheer that maybe still lingering around.

That’s one thing we can count on in Thailand – is the Thai’s leave all the Christmas decorations up until Easter.

Christmas? Poke it.

In a few days I shall be heading back to work for another month. Quite looking forward to it.

I’ve pretty much spent the month – relaxing by the pool and cycling around HH and doing little else. I am bored. Sick of this shit.

A round-up of the month…..

My mid-trip to Bangkok was o.k.. but not good enough to make me want to return for another anytime soon. I will visit when I am back from work, but won’t be there for longer than a few days. Too many undesirable people there.

One thing that did stick out to me was how ‘aggressive’ the street beggars were. They didn’t kick-off, but did hold out their plastic cup, give it an angry shake and thrust it in my face, following me as I walked past. They can fuck right off.

But what really wound me up was when I was in Terminal 21. There was some kind of Circus show on the ground floor. Loads of people gathered round to watch. Curiosity got the better of me and I had a look.

I could see performing monkeys. The bastards running the show were getting this poor little monkeys to JUMP THROUGH FLAMING HOOPS. With loads of people watching and cheering. How sick is that?

If I were Dwayne Johnson I would have waded into all of them and shoved them through hoops of fire. Unfortunately I am more likened to Danny Devito – so I just barged past lots of people whilst calling them all a bunch of arseholes.

Back in Hua Hin – I hit the beach and went for a swim in the sea. Beach was clean, water looked clean and no jellyfish so be seen. Then again, I’d rather look at Jelly-fish that some old Scandinavian wearing speedos. Why do they do that? Maybe Jonas can tell us?

4 weeks is enough.

At night – we hit our preferred bars. One of them used to have a Filipino singer who was pretty good. Always drew a good crowd. Unfortunately one of the patrons would get up on the little stage and (attempt to) sing. His wife would obviously clap and cheer. The guy is tone deaf and thinks he is hot shit. That was 2 years ago and last night when I walked into the bar – the old bastard is back here again. After 5 mins – he was on stage knocking out a dreadful noise. Some people just spoil it for everyone else.

The other week – Miss Tim and I bumped into Aum & Yo. Some of you may remember them from the Mango days. Good girls.

We saw them in town – and had a drink. Then another drink.. and so on.

Three hours past our usual staggering home time we ended up in what I can only describe as the secret alley of bars/clubs. Who knew it was there? I’ve been here years and never knew about it. The bars don’t open up until after midnight apparently. Absolutely heaving. Loads of little bars, music pumping and a great atmosphere. If you’re a single bloke… you’d love it!

The secret Alley….

For the 1st time in a long time, we have been out until 4am three times in the last few weeks. I have to remind myself that I am not 21 anymore.

Apart from that, nothing much to report here. Looking forward to getting back to work. I like the thought of speaking to people who have brains. People who understand logic. People who don’t cut me up on roundabouts. People who don’t stand by my table and watch me eat. People who don’t drive their cars along a cycling/jogging path which has a sign saying ‘NO CARS’.

Wanker.

I could go on. I won’t. Getting wound up again.

Better wrap this up now before I get into a rant….

On the plus side.. in January, Frank Bruno is coming to HH to give a little talk. Evening drinks n stuff. I am a boxing fan so should be interesting.

I wonder if he’ll get pissed at all the Thai’s calling him Flank Bluno?

Flank in town.

Hitting the streets of soi 4…. It was drizzling with rain. Soi 4 cut a pretty miserable sight.

First up was Hooters. Yes it’s over-priced and the food, well, if you like chicken wings everything deep fried – then you’ll like it.

The main reason I go is because it’s a prime stop to sit and watch the going on of soi 4. There are other bars across the road – but their views are ruined by the street vendors.

Ever wonder how fresh the frying oil is on those street carts? My guess is not very. I know this as I once found out that old staff at the Mango used to sell our ‘old’ oil to the street food sellers. And probably the new oil too. And the cutlery. And anything else that wasn’t nailed down and could fit in their handbags.

But anyway, as it had been raining and the seating area was a little wet – everyone was sitting inside in the dry. I grabbed a roadside view seat and waiting for the service girls to come over and wipe down the table/bar – which they did minutes after I arrived. Perfect.

Miserable…..

Straight onto the overpriced Grey Goose and Coke. GamblinMan arrived shortly after me and we had a catch up in-between getting hassled by sun-glass / iPhone / Viagra sellers.

Tip – if you go to Hooters around 6pm when the evening shift arrives – prepare to have to wait around 15 mins to get served. For some reason the new shift has to assemble along the bar whilst a Hooter girl in black sounds off to them.. they all then break out into a dance.

So, while the last shift is hitting the streets having fended off advances from customers, the new shift is dancing around like cheerleaders – the customers are left waving hands in the air trying to get served. At one point there were 3 of us waving our hands in the air. If we had Hooters T-Shirts, I am sure we could have been mistaken as staff.

After a paying for 2 hours for the price of 3 hours – we headed over to the newly fitted out Big Dogs.

Great re-fit! Really good. Excellent use of space. Good layout. The only gripe would be the ugly dogs still serving. Maybe it’s just my personal taste – but I am sure I am not the only person who doesn’t like being surrounded by old fat women in tight dresses?

In Hooters, you have girls with big Hooters. In Big Dogs you get…….

The bar is now at the end wall – where the toilets used to be. I do not envy the builders jobs when demolishing the crappers. That place was horrible. The stench of cheap bleach was not match for the nasties that went on in there.

So where do you go to the toilet? Well, under the Escalators – there are public toilets. Ish. Ish? Well, if you need the toilets and are in Big Dogs, they will give you a key-card which you are to present at the toilets (troll) to gain entry. I don’t understand why? Surely the toilets should be available to everyone? Would the Nana Plaza not encourage everyone and anyone to use the toilets rather than just pee up the wall in the stairwell? It doesn’t make sense to me.

What also doesn’t make sense is the ‘Security’ at Nana. Just what in the fuck is that all about? What is the point of the ‘show’ of checking peoples bags coming into the Plaza? Are we to believe there is actually security protocols in place? I ask this because I was in Big Dogs which I entered from Sukhumvit Road… and I exited Big Dogs inside Nana – using the side entrance/exit. Thus – bypassing the ‘security’ check-point. Really? What is the point?

We ordered a drink and the serving girl who knew GM was also offered one. She then prompted her fat ugly mate to come join us at the table and also hinted at a drink. As soon as I saw her move into the position of attempting to give me a bar-back-massage I stopped her in her tracks. ‘Don’t touch me’. The back Massage does nothing for me. Ugly fat cows touching me does even less. Now, if it were Kate Beckinsale – then bring it on. But sadly it wasn’t.

I asked for a Vodka & Coke which arrived in a tiny little lady drink size tumbler. This is one of my pet hates. It’s was so small that the drink was still pretty transparent as there was so little coke in it. After 2 swigs, it’s gone and tastes foul. I told them for my next drink, I would like it in a tall glass. Of course, the one benefit of drinking quick is that the trogs were not in a position to ask for another as their glasses were still full.

Leaving Big Dogs, and the bar, we thought we’d try the Beer Bars in Nana. I say beer bars, but it’s now just one big bar. Only thing was, there was no seating available. There was outside seating opposite at Pretty Lady (or whatever name they are calling themselves this week). Our intention was to watch people coming in and out of the Plaza. The usual tourists with their farang girlfriends appeared. Walked past with smiles on their faces and then walked back with only the guy smiling and the girl with a face like a smacked arse.

We found it’s more fun in the beer bar than the gogos.

Sitting directly opposite us were a couple of Chinese lads with a bar girl in-between them. She was playing pocket billiards with them… having a good old feel of their nether regions. I think she was trying to figure out who was the smallest?

Time to hit a gogo. The closest one being Lollipop. Not that we are lazy. In we went and what an eye-opener. Have you been? EVERY girl on stage had their phone either tucked in her bra-strap or down their shit-catchers. And they were not small iPhone 5’s either. These were all iPhone pluses and Samsung note thingys. They looked absolutely ridiculous. What on earth is the Manager/Owner playing at, letting them do that? I can only assume they are all volunteer fire-fighters or paramedics on call?

Next up was Diamonds. Owned by old friends, we thought we’d pop into say hello. Much better line up than before – loads of girls. The thing that struck me though is – they have a bunch of girls outside which entice you in. They are even happy for you to stick your head through the curtain and check it all out before committing. But once you are inside, they have the fattest, ugliest trog in Nana come over and take your order and ‘try’ to chat you up to get a drink. Sorry… but this is just an incredible turn-off. At least have one of the human girls keep the customer company while the trog takes the order. Otherwise, your 1st 30 seconds in the bar is spent with a hound and that’s all you are going to remember.

As all I can remember is the fatty serving me… I’ll move onto the next bar.

Bill Board. Heaving as always. I bumped into one of the old Pretty Lady girls who we used to have attending at the Mango Parties. I ended up chatting/drinking with her and didn’t really notice any of the 100’s of scantily clad women dancing around the place. It was that busy that we were asked to stand at tables already occupied by other people. Wasn’t really a problem though. It’s rare to find people in bad moods in good gogo-bars.

We were several drinks in by now. So headed to the gogo upstairs. Butterfly’s? The one with (or used to have) cages? I might be wrong?

Great line up – I think. We were having fun until some (sorry Kevin) American woman (a little on the big side) thought she was hot shit…walking around the place with her glass of wine – ogling at the girls. Why is it all Lesbos think all other girls are attracted to them? Anyway, this one was exceptional, as she has a wad of 20’s which she was screwing up and chucking them on the dance floor. Sorry, but I just think that is plain rude and arrogant. She could have swapped the money for pingpong balls… and was offered that chance more than once.. but oh no, she preferred to screw up the money and chuck it. Horrible… horrible creature.

We got a little tired of each service girl asking for a drink for her and her friend. And her Mamasan , landlord, neighbor, doctor, Auntie, Sister, Cousin, worst enemy, meth dealer and financial advisor so we paid the extortionate bill and left.

It was late so we headed back towards Citrus Suites where I was staying – and picking up GM’s GF & Miss Tim who were somewhere in Soi 4.

Passing Melody UK (or whatever it’s called this week) we bumped into Robin – an old Mango customer. We had a catch up and another drink. My words were now slurred so it was time I headed to my pit.

After navigating through the Chinese tourists at the hotel lobby I made it to my bed.

Soi 4 this time was ‘o.k’. But I was not left with the feeling of wanting to go back any time soon.

‘Beijingkok’ – is what the ‘Sukhumvit’ sign should say which I saw when we pulled off the highway into to Lower Suk.

Chinese tourism is booming!

Last weekend I visited Bangkok. Booked into the Citrus Suites on Suk soi 6. Stayed there a few times since it opened earlier this year.

When arriving – I had to wait for a bunch of Chinese tourists to check-in. Then ask questions. Then ask more questions. Then just hang around for good measure.. and then take a few photos.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not moaning about all Chinese… I have close friends who are Chinese. I work with some exceptional Chinese Engineers… hell, all my trainers are made in China. But when it comes to (young) Chinese tourists… some are a pain in the arse.

It’s not all bad – I mean, if it were not for young Chinese Tourists I am sure Cannon would have stopped making cameras by now.

Breakfast was 06:30-10:00. We went down for feeding at 06:30. Already our ‘friends’ had descended on the buffet. At one point I thought I had entered into a Japanese endurance contest as they piled all the food on the plates and then devoured it making as much noise as they could. Of course, they had to take the usual 20 photos of the food first.

I may have just been in a foul mood – as the people staying in the next room to us seemed to be talking at the tops of their voices most of the night. I could hear every word. I don’t know what the words were.. as it was Chinese.

After a little walk around T-21, tripping over a bunch of idiots who always hesitate before stepping onto the escalator. (Why do they do that?) we headed to Take a Zeed.

Walking along the Skywalk we passed a restaurant ‘Dining in the Dark’.. which made me wonder if the dark restaurant is constantly lit up with camera flashes as people photograph their dinner?

We like ‘Take a Zeed’, it’s a great Thai restaurant. However it was over-run with Chinese. We had to queue. Eventually we got in – and sat very close to a table full of… well, you can guess.

Maybe you can also guess how I handled the eating of my neighbors? I don’t get it. They had a fork. I saw it. All they had to do is lift the fork to their mouths and eat. Easy.

But no[, to hell with eating normally, they put the food on the fork and instead of lifting their forks, they bowed their heads until they almost hit their chins on the table.

At one point I thought they had dispensed of the cutlery altogether and just started sucking the food right off the plate.

I guess it’s just me being odd right? I mean, why should the way other people eat bother me right? Maybe I need to just walk it off?

(I’ll cover the evenings out in another post)

It’s been a while since we were at Lumpini Park – so early Sunday morning we headed along the footpath with stretches from Soi 10 to Lumpini Park. It’s just how I remembered it.

The only people we saw were some young Chinese girls taking early morning photos – standing next to lamp-posts. I guess they call it artistic?

Speaking of art.. a lot of the ground had been written on. At first I thought Rolln and his gang were in town having ripped off a Sharpie store.

Rolln had upped his game….

Lumpini park was packed. It was of course, packed with Chinese! Hundreds if not thousands. Wow.

7am – park was busy

So, the weekend to me was a sure sign that Bangkok/Thailand is a popular destination for the Chinese.

I assume it won’t be long before all the accommodation signs will be in Chinese. Staff will be speaking Chinese and food will be… still rice with everything.

Maybe it’s not such a bad thing? I’ve never known the Chinese to be aggressive or abusive. No, quite the opposite. Can you imagine what Bangkok would be like if, instead of Chinese they were Nigerians or Russian? Or Middle Eastern?

I was glad when I arrived back in Hua Hin – back with all the old wrinkly Scandinavians walking around in Speedos. Reminds me of Jonas.

I could spend all day bitching and moaning about what I see on the roads here each day.   What’s the point.

The drivers/riders on the road are idiots and I would happily argue this with anyone and everyone.  Total fucking idiots.   From carrying babies, to 5 people on the back, on their phones, no helmets and the latest peeve of having no lights.   Really,  how much is a tail light bulb? 50bht?

I was this fool on a bike yesterday.  His jacked said ‘Safety First’ which leads me to believe he works for a Company that that has Western influence and preaches to the employees about safety.  He has probably even had some kind of safety training.

So it makes me shake my head when I see this guy with his ‘safety first’ patch on his back riding along with a hard hat on his head.    Does he think this is a sufficient crash helmet?  Does he think it will stay on his head if he were to crash?  The only thing that hat is protecting him from at the moment – is bird shit landing on his head.

Why do I care so much?  Well, I am thinking of all the other services that have to clear up the mess when these pricks end up under a truck (driven by a drunken idiot).

The ambulances, police, hospitals…  I wonder how much time/money they are spending cleaning up these people who could have prevented the situations by using half their brain?

Now I have that off my chest… I am heading to Bangkok.  It’s raining, so that means traffic will be bad – because people still drive as fast as they can and as close as they can to the car in front.   I am sure I will see many cars that have crashed on the way.  I just hope I am not in one of them.

Hooters here I come…..

As I am away for 6 months of the year – Miss Tim has a couple of cats to keep her company.  As much as I try to encourage her to shack up with some Juan or Pedro to help share the shoe bill, she insists the cats are all she needs as company.

But no ordinary cats.  These are Persian. They were not cheap.  They’re not like normal cats.  They don’t like fish.  They don’t like cat food.  They don’t like milk. They don’t like me.

A few times a year their fur coat gets so long – that we take them to the local Groomers to give them a little pampering and a hair cut.    We tell the Groomer – ‘just a little trim’ only to find out that 5 hours later when we come to collect them, they’ve been shaved.

Happy Cats

We were not happy.  Neither were the mogs.

It’s now that time of year where they are hairy.  Too hairy.  So we phoned around Hua Hin for the Pet people – who offer a Grooming service.

The 1st one said the Groomer will not be in until tomorrow – so they will call back and give us a time.

When they called, I told Miss Tim to confirm they cut hair and not just shave.  ‘We shave/clipper’.

Really?  You need a ‘Groomer’ for that?  I can do that myself.

Calling these people ‘Groomers’ is the equivalent of calling a Military head shaver a ‘hair-stylist’.

We called around 3 or four ‘Groomers’ – all claiming to be experts, but only shave.

I tried to explain to Miss Tim that these people are useless fucking idiots. There are proper Groomers – and these people are not.  Typical fucking Thailand.  Selling a service which is not what it should be.

Not a happy cat

I was all  set to drive the little fury bastards to Bangkok when I stumbled across a ‘Dog Groomer’ – which had photos of cats in the window.     In we went and could not have been more pleased.  This place actually had photos of all the cats they had ‘Groomed’.

Perfect.  All booked in for tomorrow.

It ended well, but for the most part of the day I was in a fit of rage at having all these places who claim to be Groomers tell me they just shave the felines.  I wanted to punch them all in the face.

For many people they just say ‘This is Thailand’.  Well for me,  This is Incompetence’ and I am sick of it.

I am now struggling to see what the attraction of Thailand is.   It’s just shit.

Well, that took all of 2 days before I am wound up and hating the world.  And when I say ‘world’… I mean the idiots in Thailand.

Can I get in trouble for saying Thai people are stupid?  No, not all.. but the ones that race past me on a motorbike with no crash helmet.  Yes you…. you are stupid.

Why should I care right?  Because I think of the people that are affected if some twat without a helmet has a crash.  The person they hit or got hit by will be worse off than if the idiot wore a helmet.  What might have been a fender-bender, could instead be a death. All because fuck-face thought they were too good to wear a helmet.

I like being 1st at the traffic lights.  When some fool in a car behind me is flashing his lights for me to get out of the way.  Even though there is a sign (in Thai) that says you must wait to turn left – these fools still think all Left turns are o.k on a red.

Another thing that annoys me…  when following a pick-up truck,  why is it they slow down to a snails pace when going over a speed ramp?

Anybody that has been to a Thai cinema will know that a D-Max can race up a mounting, saving the water supply to a village whist drinking a bottle of ice-cold Pepsi.

Yet when it comes to a little tiny speed bump… they have to crawl over it.  Dicks.

Unlike Stickman who couldn’t hack it in the real world and had to come back,  I can’t hack it in this world.   I have been putting all my pieces into place.  In a year or so I shall make the move back.  The move back to normality.

Yes, you could say that Farangland is expensive and the politics are mad.  However, in my little world – I don’t worry about all that shite,.  My little world is great.

I shall be in Bangkok to next weekend.  Let’s see if I am overwhelmed with it all as I once was, or if I can’t wait for it to all end?

I arrived back in Thailand/Hua Hin yesterday after a month away.    Nothing much to report from Iraq.  All good there.

Those nice people at Emirates upgraded me to First Class – so my month off got off to a great start.

At the airport I was not held up by a load of flag waving Chinese people and there were no smelly Indians in the fast-track queue.    I was in the car on the way to HH within 30 mins of touch-down.

Traffic was good for a Friday morning.  We didn’t crash and I didn’t see any crashes.  All good.

Bit of a relaxing afternoon and then headed out into the town. It’s only been a month so I would expect everything to be the same, and it was.   The only difference is the place is packed!   It’s good for the town, the businesses.  Lots of tourists.  Lots of old Scandos.

We sat in a bar and watched the world go by.  Where there are tourists… there are girls.  Only problem is, they are all fat and ugly old girls.  Screaming ‘weeeeeeelcome’.  It’s such a turn off.   Has that ever been attractive?

There is one bar we go to – which we know the owner of,  there is a big fat ugly girl there who insists on chatting up all the men that go in there and tries to get a drink off them.  I have repeatedly told her to naff off – and not gone in that bar if I see her there patrolling the floor.   I told the owner that she needs to be kept in a cage at the back of the bar.  Horrible ugly cow.

So all was going well until that fat cow spoiled my day.   Yes,  I am easy to upset.

After hitting another bar I soon forgot about fatso.

A month of not drinking (apart from the Champagne in 1st Class of course) I was soon pretty drunk and we headed home around 11pm.

Slight hangover this morning but nothing I can’t handle.

Nothing really planned for the month.  On a health drive.    Except for next week – heading to Bangkok to meet up with some of the chaps.

With high-season well and truly underway, I expect the bars to be full of 2-week millionaires and old bastards.   Let’s see if the ‘weeeelcooooome’ screeches are any better in Bangkok.