Mango Unchained

Another month passes…. And I am back in Thailand.    Having been in Iraq, where things are, well you could say ‘a little tense’ right now, I was looking forward to getting back here.

After one day though, the excitement has worn off.

Arriving at the airport was o.k and I was public side within 20 minutes of landing.  I decided to take the coach this time – as I feel safer inside the massive vehicle rather than the little Toyota that my driver hammers down the road – trying to avoid kamikaze bikes and trucks.

It was at the Coach counter where I got my first reminder I was back in Thailand.  

Luckily for sleeping beauty here,  I had been laying down on the flight here so I wanted to stand and stretch my little dwarf legs.   For the 10 mins I waiting nearby, I tried my hardest to muster up a fart and release it in her face. 

The Coach service is pretty good.  From the airport to HH in just over 3 hours.  About as long as it takes my driver – as he usually stops to fill his car up with gas, and his belly up with donuts.

Back in Hua Hin – we headed into town as per usual.   There is a new little bar with outside seating which looked quite nice, so we gave it a shot.  

One of our favourite pass-times is people-mocking.  Similar to people-watching, but as there are some weird people around, we tend to laugh and mock them. 

How old do you have to be to ride a bike in Thailand?   This ‘kid’ can’t be old enough surely?   He couldn’t even touch the floor when riding.  I know I struggle sometimes, but this is taking things a little far.

Why have signs up?  What’s the point? 

So the Chinese are trying to kill us all with their virus’s?    Someone asked me how it spreads, and then we saw a Chinese person gob on the floor.   I am not sure how it’s spread, but that can’t help?

Lots more people wearing face-masks now.  What I don’t understand though, is why they are wearing them on a motorcycle – when they are not wearing a helmet?   What is their thought process?  Are they thinking ‘to be on the safe-side, I’d better wear a face mask’.. and then ride off into the traffic with no crash helmet?   The amount of people I see, with a mask and no helmet is amazing.  There is no other word for it than ‘thick’.

The first night was over and we were suitably drunk.  We had to meet our Grab taxi and a secret location as they didn’t want to get their arses kicked by the local TukTuk mafia.  How dare them Grab drivers provide a safer, more reliable and cheaper way of getting you home?

Day 2 – we were invited to a party at one of Tims friends who owns a little back-street bar.  I am not a fan of these little shop house bars.  Basically just a room, miss-matching furniture and a pool table.  The last time I went there – the people playing pool were all wearing thumb-gloves.  Seriously? 

I spent half an hour talking to some big fella about how Farrangs in Thailand all think Pool their pool skills are impressing people.  I remember when it used to be about the fun.  I (still) see blokes playing pool with girls – and not talking to the girl, except for the odd “shot”..  from the other side of the table.

Wankers.

So after my 30 minute rant about how all these ‘serious’ pool players with their own cues, gloves, telescopic sights are all a bunch of losers who are missing the point of being in a bar with a bunch of Thai girls – I find out this guy is the No.1 player of the bar.   Oops.   I hope he went home and thought very seriously about what I had told him!

A relatively quiet night… so as not to be rough in the morning. I had been looking forward to not being hungover so we could go have lunch at the beach. Nothing we like more than to have spot of lunch whilst watching all the people learning how to Kite-Surf. As we know, learning means going head first into the water every 30 seconds!

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At the weekend I am off to the UK for a couple of weeks.  Can’t wait.    Some interesting stuff planned there.. more on that later.

For now,  it’s business as usual in HH.   Eat, sleep, repeat…

What’s been going on this past year?

Bangkok

I’ve had several trips to Bangers this year – and none have been too exciting.  It’s not like I sat in my hotel room watching TV either.  I went out and did the usual bar crawls.  It just wasn’t as fun as it used to be.

My soi 4 hangout is split between Big Dogs and ‘Cool Beer’ bar.   Cool Beer is a good place late at night, perched at the counter looking out into the street.  There is a live band at night which are so bad, they’re entertaining.  They murder every song, which means you feel the urge to start singing yourself (when  drunk).  It can be a good laugh.  I did have a fall out with a staff member who was hassling me for drinks.  I bought a few before asking what she was actually drinking and how much it cost.  She was drinking a little glass of apple juice at 250bht a time!  She even had the cheek to ask for a tip!   So Big Dogs was then favored.

Big Dogs has always been one of my go-to bars since I first came to Bangkok back in the day.  it’s latest version is the best it’s been I think.  Get a good table and you are entertained for hours just by watching what goes on.

Nana…  

It may just be me, but it just doesn’t feel like fun anymore.  There is no ‘buzz’ around the place.  When the Rats and I are skulking around, we are constantly scratching our heads on which bar to go to.  There was a time when we all had bars we wanted to visit in the night and struggled to fit them all in. These days, we struggle to find 2 or 3 bars we want to be in.

Last month GM and I visited the QPP before it gets torn down.  It’s a sorry state – but then always has been.  It’s rare we ever went further than the 2 or 3 bars at the front.  Only the hardened dirty old bastards would venture further inside and not be disappointed.  Not for me.

Cowboy – not too many visits for me this past year.   This new (young) crowd of girls are just not as fun as the girls from years ago.  The people walking up and down the soi have also changed.  Lots of middle/far east – which I have no desire to be around.

BKK Airport / Tourists  – I fly a lot.  40 flights per year minimum.   Which means hanging around in airports a lot.   There is a new breed of traveler.  I call them ‘the fucking arseholes’.   These arseholes are also found in coffee shops and some restaurants too.  These arseholes are the people that make calls on their phone – using the loud speaker.  WTF?   WHY?  Why do they feel the need to share their conversation with everyone else near by?   

Ignorant fucking arseholes.     Likewise, these arseholes that watch youtube/Faceache videos with the volume turned up.  I think it should be allowable that anyone who gets annoyed by this can punch these people in the face and stamp on their phone.  Arseholes.

I had a recent experience where I was on a plane – sitting next to some Chinese lad.  He was watching some noisy crap on his phone… which I could hear even thought I had headphones on, listening to music.   As it would be frowned upon if I were to smash his face into his tiny screen – I just scowled at him and told him to shut the fuck up.     Which he did.      A few hours later – food was served.  If I thought his phone was loud,  that was nothing compared to the noise he made when SUCKING his food from the bowl into his mouth.  Pig.    Is it just me, or is this world a horrible place?

Hua Hin – I was looking to move again.. but just couldn’t be arsed.   I’ll get Miss Tim on the case again soon.  Just recently a French family moved in opposite us – with 3 feral kids – whom shout instead of talk,  sit in the parents car and hit the horn through out the day, draw shite pictures on the road….   out side everyone’s house  (which I hose down when I come home at night) and generally just run around making a nuisance of themselves.  Again, I am not allowed to go over there and throw dog poo at them until they leave, so I’ll have to find somewhere else to live.

I still plan to move back to the UK at some point, I am just too lazy at the moment.  Plus, Miss Tim’s family is very much a part of her life, so we stick around for now.  

I do like HH though.  I’ve a nice place on the beach where we like to take lunch and watch all the kite-surfers fall in the water.   We know a few bars/staff which ensures we have a good sociable night out and there so many restaurants we like, that we eat out 6 nights per week.   The 1 night a week we eat at home, is when Miss Tim makes Spag bol.   No matter which (Italian) restaurant we go to, Spag bol is a load of spaghetti and little spoon of bolognese.    I much prefer a huuuuge dollop of meat on the top.

The driving standards have not improved at all – but my awareness of how rubbish they are has improved.   I drive very defensively and expect someone to pull out of every side road there is on my route.    I am constantly frustrated by arseholes riding bikes which have no working lights.  How much is a bulb for fuck sake?   And now I see an increase of arseholes riding bikes whilst using a phone (texting).      I heard on the HH Radio News this morning that nearly 200 people died on the road in the 1st two days of the holidays.  I am not surprised.

Apart from all that.. I’ve had fun!   Quite a few trips back to the UK for me.   Each visit has been really good.  I added some more cars and bikes to my collection – which I am looking forward to playing with at some point in the future. 

My Route 66 Tour went out of the window when I failed to get my US Visa due to the inefficient useless twats at the US Embassy in London.   I spat my dummy out and walked out of the place after waiting 6 hours after my appointment. 

So what’s in store for 2020?   More of the same I guess?   I’ll still be in Thailand, shouting and screaming at everyone who pisses me off.    Some UK visits planned – and a UK/Ireland Bike Tour in the summer with some pals.  I want (must) get back to Manila to see the lads too.
Another Barcelona and South of France visit is also planned.  Lots to do… little time to do it.

So that’s me.  Another year of being a miserable old bastard and looking forward to another year being miserable.

Hoping you lot had a great year – and have a great year going forward!

Another month passes…..    What’s been happening?   Relaxing in HH, a couple of nights in Bangkok before heading to the UK. More on that later.

I’ve been binging on YouTube programs recently.  Gordon Ramsay & the Hotel Inspector.  If you’ve never seen these – basically the experts visit a failing restaurant or hotel and points out where they’re going wrong and devises a plan to get them back on track.   I like watching the owners think they know it all – and argue with the experts. Brilliant.    I have a great respect for the Experts.  They are experts for a reason.  They’ve been there, done it and have been very successful.   You should listen to them, they know what they’re talking about.

Personally,  I think of myself as a bit of an expert in my field.  This was reinforced recently when my old Boss phoned me up and asked if I’d be interested in returning to my old Position which I quit 7 years ago.   The person they brought in when I had left was not so much of an ‘expert’.  So much so that not only did he make a pigs ear of the job, the pressure got to him and he had a breakdown.   It’s not easy being an expert.

As flattering as it was – I don’t want to go back.  The best way to turn them down without actually telling them to poke it – was to price myself out of the job, so I gave them a figure which would be needed to get me interested.  Problem is, this didn’t put them off.  Oops.

I’ve now got to make a decision.   I love my job.  Where I am, I am an expert.   If I were to go back (lower position) just for a pay-check… well,  I am not sure that’s a good move.   I shall need to think a little more..

One thing I don’t claim to be an expert in – is the bar business.  I never treated it like a business, as I never needed to make money from it.  Yes, I didn’t want to lose money, but it was more a hobby than a job.  In fact, it was never a job for me.   Some people have mad ideas that I/we lost a load of money, which just isn’t true.  In fact, the rent on that 5 story building was something like 40k per month for the 1^st 3 years.  After 3 years, it went to 50k.    My house in HH cost 45k per month – and I am not selling booze.   So no, the old Mango didn’t really have to do much business to survive.

So no, I am not an expert in the bar business.. but having been involved in the bar business for 10 years… I am sure I have a better understanding than a punter.

To this day, I still get asked many questions about my days in the bar business.  One question I have been asked more than once is ‘if you had your time over again, would you buy a bar’?

Good one.  I think I would, but I think I’d have to do things a little different.

I have always maintained, and still do, that for me, the bar was for my entertainment.  As long as I didn’t lose money, then I was happy.  If I made a few bucks along the way, then it was a bonus.  More often than not,  we ‘gave back’ to many of the customers when the bar was doing well.    I could never count the amount of drinks that were given away.  The amount of free food that was offered.  The number of pints of beer which were sold for 20bht?  It was a lot.

At the time, it was just some fun.  I got to meet many great people – some of which I am still in contact with today.  I met many, many liars, bull-shitters and chancers too.  Way too many.

One of the problems of a bar – is that you get to experience people when they are drunk and their guard is down.

After a recent chat with long term Blog reader Danny,  it got me thinking back to some of the people from yester-year.

Balloon Chasers – we all know these.  The Mango had it’s fair share.   I remember sitting with DavetheRave – watching some guy shovel food down is throat.. then go back for more… and more…  He had 2 pints which cost him a total of 40bht.

There were many people like this.  Total scumbag peasants. 

Leaches – It was not uncommon of me to buy a bunch of drinks for people in the bar.    I have been on the receiving end many times.  But there was this one fellow – who only drank soda.  Except when a bell was rung or it was me buying a drink.  Then his tastes changed to premium beverage.  Every time.  To the point where all the staff knew what was coming.   Thing is, it’s not like this guy didn’t have any money.  – he was just a tight leach of a bastard.

Happy-Hour seekers.   All bars have Happy-Hours and the Mango was no different.    I remember one afternoon, I am sitting at the bar watching whatever was on the TV…   a customer opposite on his laptop asked why the Water was not reduced during Happy Hour?    I took exception to this.   Just because I was not paying attention to him,  I was well aware how long he had been there, how much he had spent, and what he spent the last time he was there…    he was not exactly a valued customer.

So when he said that our Water was 300% of what it costs in 7/11 – I had no choice other than to remind him that he was sitting in an air conditioned bar, with lights on,  watching TV,  his laptop plugged into my power, using my WiFi,  using the toilets, water, soap, bog roll.   Sitting on a stool that I paid for.  Drinking from a class that needs to be cleaned.  Not to mention the ice which is topped up by the person being paid to serve him.

He was getting a lot for his 40bht bottle of water.  But the ignorant twat that he was – just saw that it was more expensive than 7/11.

I’ve no time for these assholes.

The music experts...  Getting music right is not easy. You don’t like what I like.  I don’t like what most people like.  I personally would rather listen to cats shouting than Ed Sheeran.  But everyone is different.     So I again took exception to one guy who always complained about the music.  I handed him a pen and pad and asked him what he likes to listen to.  He replied that it wasn’t his job?!   Erm… I was merely trying to get his tastes so that I could source the music for him.   The bars are different now – they all have YouTube ready for the customers to choose their own, but back then,  it was down to me to find the music and create a playlist.  And this asshole complained rather than help me provide him what he wanted. 

The same guy complained that one of the music speakers was mounted too close to where his regular was. – which was disturbing for him.  So, I had the speaker moved.   What I didn’t expect was the dick to then decide he no longer liked his seat and moved near to the speaker.  Seriously, I kid you not.     In the end I lost my rag with him. I told him to get the fuck out and not come back. 

Bullshitters….   One group of guys wanted to rent the upstairs for some Rave/house music function.   He told me how he was an event’s organizer and could make us all millionaires.   He went on to tell me how he was a director of some Thai bank – and was only teaching English to Thai’s for fun.    Seriously?

Another guy was telling me how he was trying to get a visa for his gf to visit the UK.   He spent a lot of time telling me about how he was the owner of some massive construction company who builds shopping malls all over the world and is a gazillionaire.. blah blah..   After a skinful, he paid his bill and went next door to the cheap and nasty hotel where he was staying.  Sorry, but gazillionaires don’t usually stay in low-budget accommodation.  Dick

Thieves – the amount of cutlery, bottles, condiments, cd’s and various other items we went through was amazing.  I was always told you need to factor in 20% for thefts.  No.  That is unacceptable.  I even had my sweaters go missing.

The Staff?   Shit,  I have lost count of the staff we went through.  There are maybe 3 or 4 that I liked and could (probably) trust.  They were all thieving little shites.  The ones I trusted – I am still in contact with today.  The rest, I’d not trust as far as I could throw them.

I had one of the cooks come to my apartment one day – crying that he wasn’t receiving his share of the Tips and needed money for his new kid.   I felt sorry for him – and chucked him some money and told him I’d look at the way the tips were distributed.  The very next day I had a friend look over the books and found this Cook was submitting food receipts in his own hand-writing.  So there I was, giving him handouts whilst he is claiming money for ingredients/food that didn’t exist!  He was hoofed out straight away and told never to show is face again.       He later applied for a job with my other partner Kwan – who took great pleasure in telling him where to go.

All in all, is it worth it?  Well, the biggest upside to owning a bar is that you get to walk through a door marked Private.   You get to entertain when the bar is closed.   The private parties we had upstairs were awesome.  I’ve actually forgotten many of them.

I did meet a bunch of people who I am still in contact with – and have a lot of time/respect for them. The handful of these genuine people make up for the many, many tossers that I had came across.

So would I do it all again?  I think I would, but I’d probably not be so nice and polite a second time round.  I’d ‘cheap-shame’ people.  I’d ban the balloon-chasers and stop all happy-hours.  I’d play my own music and employ robots.

Hmm.. maybe I’ll pass then.

Wow!  A month has passed. Times flies when you’re having fun. Not been posting anything as, well, I just can’t be arsed. So what’s been going on then?   Well, not too much. 

A few times a year Miss Tim and I head to the UK to shop, eat and drink.   Turns out that it’s cheaper drinking in the UK now than it is in Thailand.  Lots of things are cheaper in the UK than Thailand these days.  Gloss over the expensive flights – but it’s probably cheaper to spend time in the UK than HH.

When I fly on my own.. I hate it. Everything and everyone pisses me off at the airport or on the plane. Miss Tim calms me down and the flight is fun, and we laugh a lot.    Food isn’t bad either.  Whatever it was?

The food in the UK is great.  I am not talking ‘Fish n Chips’  – but Chinese, Indian, Italian and of course Doner Kebabs.

A few minutes walk from my place is a bar which offers 2 for 1 cocktails.  Can’t turn that down right?

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After a few hours on the cocktails – we’re ready for food.  There is so much available in the City that we have a tough time choosing.      

Although, when drunk, the only food worth tucking into is a Doner Kebab.  It has to be done.

After a night’s drinking and eating… it we head out each morning before the sun comes up and walk through the city.  We love the peace and quite of the early mornings.  

A few weeks of abusing ourselves, eating, drinking and shopping too much – it was time to head back to Thailand, stopping off in Bangkok for a few days before returning to Hua Hin.

I like the UK more and more these days.  It’s a pity the weather was crap – as we would have liked to take the bikes and cars out – and drive on roads without the fear of imminent death or kamikaze bikers nosediving towards us.

All in all.. a good time was had.  Looking forward to my next trip back.

1^st Day back in Thailand – and a few days in Bangkok was on the agenda. 

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 Miss Tim wanted some (Thai) food, so we headed to an old fave ‘Have a Zeed’ in T21.

The problem is – not matter what time of day, there is a queue out the door.  So much so now, they have seating, tickets, a screen and a speaker to call you when your table is ready!

One you’re in, the food comes as and when it’s ready. There was a 10 minute gap between us getting our meals.   Yes, the food is good, but I am over it.  The restaurant is rammed full of Chinese people.  There must be some Chinese trip adviser that had this place as the no.1 place to go.   Not that it’s a problem… but have you ever sat next to a hungry Chinese man with a bowl of noodles?  Say no more.

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A night out on the town (soi 4) – it’s hard to find a bar that I like much.  There are maybe 3?

Opposite the Raj Hotel Carpark is a nice-looking bar called Red Zone.  It’s clean and the few staff are really good.  It is a great location, great for people watching and oddly enough – empty?

The only problem is…. The people that do seem to enter – are from the middle east.  I’ll let you guess which country.   As soon as they spot the pool table, they ask if it’s free.  They then ask for the cheapest drink on the menu to share between 4 of them.   That’s my cue to leave.   Peasants.

If I were a bar owner, I’d hoof them out.  Then again, I’d hoof most people out.  Balloon chasers, happy hour hunters, leaches and plain cheap fucking arseholes (you know who you are) – the lot of them. 

When I think back to the Mango days, I can’t help but think of all the cheap bastards that were lurking around.  Didn’t notice at the time as I was enjoying myself.  But looking back, jeeez…..

Speaking of peasants…. 

That reminds me.. the Indian Lounge & Club on the top floor of the building opposite has now closed down.. . wonder why?

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Fancy a spot of people watching?    The little corner bar next to what was once Liquid, opposite Blanket and Bean.. great place to watch the weird world go by.   Just how tall is this dude?  Surely the girls must run when they see him approaching and licking his lips

A few days in Bangkok was o.k. Any longer and I’d go nuts. Soi 4 is just like a street in the Middle East now. Lots of smelly, hairy people in groups, dragging their flip-flops along the ground.

Can’t say I care for the place or the people.

Next off to Hua Hin.. I am starting to like Hua Hin more these days, that’s because it’s nothing like Bangkok.

More later.

No, I am not talking about when you and your girlfriend got frisky and didn’t have a condom to hand. I am talking about these Thai fucking idiots on bikes who just pull out of a side road – onto a main road without looking or even slowing down. DICKS. I see this on a daily basis when riding in Hua Hin.

I don’t even notice all the idiots not wearing helmets anymore. That is almost as common as riding around at night with no working lights. At the risk of offending the Thai authorities… THESE THAI PEOPLE ARE IDIOTS.

I arrived back in HH last week. After being away for 4 weeks, the 1st thing I did was head into town, say hello to some people and have a few drinks.

I should have pulled the plug when I got my buzz on. I didn’t. I kept going, and had various bar owners buy me drinks. I don’t remember leaving the town. I do remember the next morning feeling like hammered dog shit.

Hua Hin right now is pretty busy. The start of the high season?

Trying to stay away from the bars each night – we headed to the Cinema to watch some gratuitous mindless violence. Rambo Last Blood.

Why am I telling you this? Well, sat a few seats away from me were a Chinese Family. Mum and her 3 kids. THREE kids. I can only guess at the ages – from 6-9. Really not the age group to be watching people get an axe in the face or a sawn-off shotgun in the ball sack.

After 15 mins, they left, but what I didn’t understand is what on earth possessed them to come into the Theater in the first place? Maybe you can forgive them, thinking Rambo was a cousin of Dumbo? But that’s no excuse for the Thai people on the door selling the tickets. Is there no duty of care here? No morals? Certainly no fucking brains.

After the movie – we headed to Prime for a bit of Steak. The Waiter greeted us and said he’d not seen us for a while. Well, there is a reason for that.

The food in Prime is good. Really good. The service though – is shite. I am sure the owners and staff think they are doing great – but as a seasoned diner – let me tell you a few things about the general public…

• Don’t stand 3 feet from me – and watch me eat.
• You don’t have to refill my glass after each sip I take.
• You don’t have to ask me 3 times if my meal is o.k.
• Don’t stand over me once you present the bill.

Or am I just being a grumpy old bastard? All I ask is that you leave me the fook alone so I can eat my dinner and talk to my gf in peace.

Luckily for me – I am off back to the UK again in a few days. A week here is about as much as I can take without wanting to go all Rambo myself.

Two weeks in the UK. Driving my cars, riding my bikes, shopping for clothes which are not made for Asians and more excitingly, eating food which is not deep fried.

Can’t wait.

I’ve been asked why I’ve not been posting much these past few months.  Reason is, I have nothing nice to say about much these days.

The world sucks.   Each day I find myself getting wound up about something.

In the UK.. there are now footpath’s dedicated to people using their mobile phones.  The phone zombies can walk along in a world of their own and not worry about holding others up or bumping into people.   Assholes.  

The only good thing I see in that – is that robbers on motorcycles now have the ideal place to go and snatch phones.  Good.

Over in America…. everyone seems to think ‘Gender Neutral’ is a real thing.  Well let me tell you..  it’s not.  You are either male or female.  End of.  That’s like me saying I don’t want to be known as border-line midget.. I want to now be called a tall person.

And what the fook is it with Thai’s and their fashions?   I am still yet to understand the teeth braces girls wear ‘for fashion’.   When was this a good look?  I remember being at school and making fun out of all the ‘cheese grater faces’.    Do women (and men) think this is attractive?   What is wrong with this world?

But this one makes me really mad.   Girls wearing Glasses with clear lenses because it’s fashionable.  I don’t get it?  I thought glasses are an aid to help people see.?   

One girl I saw, was wearing a pair which didn’t even have clear lenses?!  WTF?

Again, at school.. we’d go pick on ‘four-eyes Edwards’ just because of his face furniture.  And now it’s a fashion?   What’s next,  are we going to start wheeling around in wheel-chairs – before going for a jog?    Why not get ourselves a guide dog even though we can see. Don’t stop there, let’s all head to the hospital and get some Chemo… as we don’t need that either.
I could go on.. but I get mad.  The world is a fucked up place right now.  

People are idiots.

If ever there is a plan to send people to Mars – but it’s only a one way ticket – then put my name down.  I have only 1 condition though……..

I’d like to go on my own. please.