Global Pricing Bullshit!

Was cruising down Silom the other day and was stopped by a group of Uni girls who were conducting a survey. To all you folks who live outside of Thailand who would normally say “no thanks” and keep walking – your Uni girls don’t dress like this:

uni_girls.jpg

So yes I took the survey. It happened to be about Starbucks which is a favorite subject of mine in Asia. So before we get to the survey and my feelings about Starbucks lets discuss Uni girls and their outfits.

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Bargirls are the white rabbits!

People have various reasons for barfining or hooking up while out and about in Thailand. It could be the most often cited reason – u wanna get laid. It could be u just want some companionship over dinner and a game of pool. All good reasons. I would like to present another one – just follow her the rest of the night – making no demands as to where to go and see what happens. Just turn the whole “up to u” thing around and present it to her as your brilliant idea. Pretend for a moment u are Alice following the white rabbit – the girl, down the rabbit hole. U may find some pretty interesting places and at the very least u will have a great time.

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The plight of the FOB!

I tend to forget sometimes what it was like to first arrive in Bangkok. I first came for business and had my hands full with almost no time to go out. It was not until the 3rd night that I was free but I had a friend who lived in Thailand, spoke Thai fluently and decided to introduce me to the naughty nightlife. This was not without some prior discussion though – I had decided having traveled a lot through Asia that going to normal nightclubs or trying to pick up regular girls was basically pointless. I could do that in every other city so why here? Instead I choose to see what really only Thailand has. Bars with girls. Girls who will go home with u or wherever and generally show u a good time. For a price that is. I knew this was not normal and different than the rest of the world but hey – u only live once. I could chase the normal girls on my return to HK. Point is – if you are a FOB(fresh off the boat) but without a tutor – how do u deal with it? As I would tell others who I introduced to Bangkok – make sure u are prepared for it because u won’t be the same. I am bringing this up because I was sitting next to a FOB the other day who was severely struggling with his first day in Bangkok.

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Prowling On Saladaeng

I needed to make up for one of my mis-adventures and found myself with a burst of free time but not enough to venture very far away from home. I was walking around and decided to head down soi Saladaeng. Back when I used to live in Hong Kong I would stay at the service apartments there and when I had a company card would take people to eat at Zannottis. One of the best Italian places in Bangkok. As I was walking I saw a sign for Ogoto Massage and remembered that they also specialize in that glorious but embarrassing to order massage – the ball massage. Can never hurt to get a rubdown so I ventured in still toting my phone

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The Cultural Divide

Thai men can be tricky to figure out. Sometimes I’ll be out in a bar or a nightclub, and a gang of Thai lads will come over wanting to shake hands with the farang – other times, like at Saphan Kwai, there can be a distinctly hostile feeling in the air. To be fair, as a race we do fly uninvited to their country, loaded with unfathomable wealth, and spend our time mostly shagging their womenfolk. I know very few farangs here with male Thai friends.

I had quite a shock when I first encountered the “toilet massage” service offered in the men’s toilets of many Thai nightclubs. I walked in to take a leak, stood at the urinal letting it all out, and suddenly felt a warm damp sensation on the back of my neck. A distinctly male Thai attendant had draped a hot towel on my shoulders, and then proceeded to massage my shoulders and back. I somehow managed to finish the job off without soaking my shoes, then staggered to the sink to wash my hands – after which I was physically picked up and shaken as this giant Thai cracked every bone in my neck and spine. And then held his hand out for a tip.

Anyway, I was recently trying to explain to a Thai guy that this kind of thing doesn’t happen so much in the UK. In fact, it’s pretty unthinkable. If you attempted to massage the average British male clubber’s shoulders as he stood “shaking hands with the big fella”, he’d likely turn round and knock you out, pissing on your shoes as he did so. This poor Thai couldn’t quite comprehend why. The East/West thing (or Thailand/Farangland thing) is such a massive cultural difference, but sometimes it’s difficult to know where the culture ends and sheer sexual harassment begins.

I went for a haircut this week. I sat down in the chair, and the very male middle-aged Thai barber reached around to unfasten the top buttons of my shirt, so that he could tuck the towel and sheet in more easily. He didn’t do that straight away though – he grabbed a tuft of my chest hair first, and told me how sexy it was. Already distinctly uncomfortable, he then proceeded to tell me how astonishingly handsome I was, as he clipped and snipped away.

Once that was over with (and not a moment too soon), I paid the ฿60 and made to leave – but not before being cut off at the door and physically embraced in a bear-hug by said barber. Cultural divide, or did I just get gayed?

Turning Japanese

Japanese cash You just can’t seem to get away from it any more. From the gogo girls of Bangkok’s various fleshpots to the coyote girls of Ratchada, they spurn us. Wherever cute, pouting ladies of negotiable affection are to be found, hordes of Japanese punters seem to descend sooner or later, over-paying and over-tipping to the point where the girls seem to have no interest in we lowly farangs – regardless of how much we’ve got in our pants. I mean, wallets.

Okay, it’s not quite an emergency situation yet – plenty to go around, and all that – but it’s interesting to look at how this happens. Most Thai girls I’ve spoken to have no particular interest in Japanese men – I suspect the ideal situation for most of them would be to have a regular Thai boyfriend with a farang sponsor in the background, but how many of them are candid enough to admit it? Still, the lure of five thousand baht for short-time converts just enough of the cuties to vex even the most patient of us.

I’ve got a few Japanese friends, who I’ve had some good laughs about this whole situation with. I gather that it’s largely the Japanese working ex-pats who want to flaunt their wealth who set the ludicrously high prices. Incidentally, they’ve ruined the scene here for regular Japanese tourists, who now have to pay the same prices – as do any other Asian-looking guys who the girls suspect of hailing from the Land of the Rising Sun. Americans/Europeans of Asian descent just confuse the hell out of them.

Nevertheless, the time has come for we paleskins to make a stand! Gentlemen, a revolution awaits! Tonight, we storm Soi Thaniya and pay ten thousand baht short-time! That’ll show ’em, huh?

Who’s with me? Anyone? Hello?

Not right here – but over by Cassanova!

As much as I can I try to write about some of our business experiences in Thailand given that some of u should be or can experience all the other fun stuff we do. Unless u run a business in Thailand, you would probably never be experiencing all the other funky stuff we encounter. Say what u will – running bars in Thailand is a business with many of the same issues as what some people might call a legit business. I would argue that bar owners even have more to deal with since we have the girls, police and mafia to cope with. Following is our experience with getting a simple food license.

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It’s a big city

Bangkok is huge. I joke with soi 4 regulars that there is still oxygen outside of soi 4 but some people never leave the soi. Others go to the main areas – which we all know are easier to get to, super Farang friendly and easy to close. U know – cowboy, patpong, nana and the other known spots. So last night a buddy of mine decided it was time we explore a bit and see what kind of trouble we could find. I dare say my faith in Thailand has been restored and the exploration will continue.

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Peacocks in Bangkok

Went to Bed club the other night to hang out with some famous photogs doing some work in Thailand. I got into the Bed club with them on model night and since they were the only guys in the club allowed to cruise around with cameras, we got a lot of attention. Good for me. I was chatting up the Serbian and Brazialian models – picking up their breadcrumbs so to speak. I can’t complain. I can bottomfish. I know when to play cool by association. I know what I am. Anyway. Hanging out with the photogs while we cruised around taking pics of models and hot Thai girls I started to watch the non-model white girls and noticed their behavior.

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