Milky Milky

Milk, yesterday
Milk, yesterday

She’d come straight off the stage at Shark bar, where she’d been jiggling like a wild thing, and then bounced straight into my lap. The barfine was paid, and we left in a hurry.

A little hungry though, we picked up some mystery meat kebabs and sausages on Cowboy before heading back to my place. And then, after feasting on these surprisingly spicy satays, we retired to the bedroom.

Where I discovered first-hand the all too unpleasant effects of having oneself pleasured by the mouth of a young lady who’s just eaten nuclear spices.

The amount of pain I was suddenly experiencing in my nether regions, dear readers, lay somewhere beyond what is describable with mere words. Suffice to stay, it burned.

I ate a lot of spicy food in the UK, where curry is the staple diet in many areas. So I knew from experience that neither water nor lager have the power to douse spiced-up taste-buds. Milk, however, does.

And so, with this in mind, I sprang over to the fridge, poured myself a large glass of nicely chilled milk, and immersed the “old chap” in it. Forget Thai massage, dipping one’s spicy burning knob in cold milk is by far the most soothing experience I’ve had in Thailand.

And I think it was then that I had what’s referred to as a “Naked Lunch moment”.

Naked Lunch is, of course, the surreal William Burroughs novel. Supposedly Burroughs’ buddy Jack Kerouac came up with the title, which refers to the instant when a person can see exactly what is on the tip of his or her fork – that is, what is truly going on.

There I was, stark naked in my living room, at three o’clock in the morning, listening to the giggles of an entirely unconcerned bed-ridden whore, with my flaccid member immersed in a glass of milk.

Time seemed to stand still, as I took stock of my life, my achievements, and my current situation, vis-a-vis the natty penis/milk combo between my thighs. I wondered what my friends and family would say, if they could see me – frozen in time.

I decided they’d find it highly amusing. And so the clock of my life resumed ticking. I removed myself, pleasantly soothed, from the glass of calcium-rich, nutritious and now both slightly spicy and slightly cheesy milk, and took it into the bedroom where, before we resumed the evening’s activities, I handed it to said bargirl – so that she might soothe her spicy-hot mouth*.

*Okay, so I made the last part up. But it would have been extremely funny if it were true.

8 thoughts on “Milky Milky”

  1. Ouch! Thanks for reminding me of the time I rubbed heat cream into a corked thigh before playing Aussie Rules & then had a piss before washing my hands. I had tears streaming down my face & couldn’t sit still while the coach was giving his pre-match address. No late night snacks for me or any companion when in Bangkok next week.

    Nice site by the way. Amusing & informative.

  2. I love that shark bar – i think it has the nicest lookin’ dames in all of soi cowboy and even gives the rainbows in nana a run for their money. i’ve never taken anyone from there, but some of them appear to have very nice breasts, although it’s a little hard to tell from that lacy bra they wear. you know what i mean?

  3. Milk? Doesn’t it have lactic acid and only make things worse? Next time try black shoe polish. Wait, that won’t work. Actually, some Citra would do the trick. On a related note, I am a big Altoids fan. You should try it with Ms Angelwitch next time. I never did btw, well, not with Ms Angelwitch anyway.

  4. sorry bro but i had a good laugh at that atleast you though to get the milk out me in that incident with the girl there and all i would have not had that though. because i would be to busy being embarrested cause i probley just did the oh shit i am on fire bit and she would be laughing her ass off but quick thinking btw i am heading out to bangkok april 19 looking forward to it seeing the sights and sounds and to say the least the women of thailand

  5. man, thailand doesn't just help the sex life– it makes people better writers and storytellers too.  i guess it helps when you have great stories to tell.  i got a real chuckle out of this.  milk- it does a body good.

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