Ancient profession by On Nutter

It is easy to get an inferiority complex reading this site. While everyone else seems to be arranging threesomes with bisexual Penthouse models, I increasingly find myself trawling the Miracle Mile for a homeless amputee willing to go short time for 1,000 baht. Life isn’t fair.

That set me thinking about whether I had ‒achieved” anything unique among Bangkok’s monger community. Finally, I came up with something that at least I have never read about here: I got laid in an Ayutthaya karaoke bar.

Call it fate or serendipity, but here’s how it happened. About one year ago, I hopped on the train from Bangkok to Thailand’s ancient capital in search of temples, ruins and backpackers carrying Lonely Planets and bottles of water. Sadly, the Burmese had got there before me in 1767 and trashed the place. Yes, there were ruins, but a pile of old stones is, well, a pile of old stones. It was baking hot and eventually I gave up archaeology and cooled down with some beers in Tony’s Place and the Moon Bar.

The bars were pleasant but devoid of attentive hostesses. I was feeling less than handsome. By 6pm, I was bored and decided to head back to Bangkok. I hailed a tuk-tuk to the railway station, bought a ticket (the 15-baht fare for an 80-kilometre journey might explain why the State Railway of Thailand is mired in debt) and then realised the next train was not for another hour. I decided to go for something to eat at one of the many restaurants in a street facing the railway station.

That was where I met Chai, a Thai hustler of remarkable skill. He was standing outside his family’s guesthouse/restaurant greeting the many Japanese tourists in their own language and addressing everyone else in English. ‒Come and have a beer while you wait for the train,” he shouted at me. I agreed.

Within minutes, I had agreed to his cheeky request to share my bottle of beer. That set the tone for his parasitic behaviour. I told him that Ayutthaya seemed rather lacking in nightlife. He laughed and said I needed to travel three kilometres to the new city for that. ‒I will show you if you want,” he said. I ripped up my 15-baht train ticket and he showed me to my 150-baht room.

When you go out with a Thai – male or female – you know who will be picking up the bill. As a millionaire farang enjoying Thailand’s many delights, your wallet is going to see more action than a Pattaya bargirl when the American Navy drops anchor. Chai and I had several more beers in the guesthouse before heading to the nightspots at 11pm. I paid the 500-baht tab and then for a 50-baht tuk-tuk to the new city that the backpackers have yet to discover.

First port of call was the AY Disco, a typically Thai place where the locals sit drinking rot-gut while watching a variety of entertainers bang out some full-volume dance music. Chai laughed as he showed me the disco’s two price lists – one for locals, the other inflated for foreigners – before I paid the 420-baht bill for our six beers. Then it was over the road to the Cowboy Bar, where there was more live music as we drank beer and had a meal. I paid the 640-baht bill.

As we walked around town, there seemed to be an incredible number of karaoke bars, all with hostesses sitting outside. There were no farangs around and it was pretty obvious that these were the places where the locals got their rocks off. A pretty girl took my eye. She beckoned us in and before we knew it we were upstairs with her and another girl, sharing beers and taking turns at Thai karaoke songs, spelled phonetically in English for my benefit. Chai enquired about prices for going upstairs for mattress gymnastics. Even here there was double pricing – 500 baht for Chai and 1,000 for me. Chai then passed out drunk – at least I would not have to pay for him to get laid.

After paying the 835-baht bill for the beers and karaoke, I left Chai snoring away and headed upstairs with my recruit. She led me into a simple massage-type room with about a dozen single mattresses divided only by curtains. All were occupied by busy couples. We then went into a second room with one vacant berth. As I undressed, two copulating couples were literally one foot on either side of me.

Then my hostess asked me to pay cash up front and for a small sum for condoms. This was a problem. After my nightlife tour with Chai, I had only 300 baht in my wallet. No problem. She led me downstairs and on a walk of shame to an ATM outside a 7-Eleven, where I withdrew cash and then bought condoms. Back in our less than romantic cubicle, the proximity of the other customers surprisingly gave me a buzz, perhaps because I was in a drunk but capable state. The sex was good. I have paid a lot more for a lot worse.

I went to wake up Chai. As we emerged into the darkness, it was nearly 4am but the entrances to the karaoke places were still thronged with girls. I read somewhere that 98 per cent of Thailand’s sex industry involves Thai customers. This scene in one small town seemed to be confirmation that Nana Plaza, Soi Cowboy and Patpong are but a pimple on the arse of the kingdom’s naughty nightlife.

We took motorcycle taxis back to the guesthouse. Chai’s arrived first and I half-expected him to wait for me to settle his fare, but he graciously paid up. His night out had cost 20 baht while mine set me back more than 3,500. There is an important moral to this tale: it can be cheaper to hire a go-go dancer in Bangkok than it is to have a night out with a Thai in the sticks.

32 thoughts on “Ancient profession by On Nutter”

  1. Fascinating ON – thank you. I visit Ayutthaya regularly and have often wondered where the ‘action’ is – In what must have been at least a hundred visits over the last few years I have yet to find an answer. Of course I am not at liberty to spend the time looking too hard because I am there to spend time with family.
    Despite your description I cannot identify what your friend may have meant by ‘the new city’ You say you went to Tony’s for a beer – and that is on the edge of a fairly bustling area and must be about three miles away from the station by (as you point out – amazingly extortionate) tuk tuk but probably no more than half a mile as the crow flies with no river to negoiate. Or maybe it is somewhere else altogether?
    Last few times I went by train it cost 15 Baht to get there but 20 Baht to go back – go figure. I recommend taking a mini bus from Victory Monument – 65 Baht but more comfortable and air conditioned AND it takes you to the ‘centre of town’ so no extortionate tuk tuk add on cost.
    Congrats in doing in one visit what I have failed to do in 100 visits.
    🙂

  2. Cool story! Good to know that there is some action around Ayutthaya. Been there only once and didn’t find out.

    About this 98% Thai customers, it’s funny because many farangs come up with different figures, usually between 75 and 99%

    This always seems a lot to me. Add up Pattaya, Bangkok, Phuket, etc. bar girls and consider that this is only 10 or even 5% of the business. This seems unbelievable. 30% would be an acceptable figure, but this is just based on perception, not studies.

  3. doctorbond: Tony’s Place is in the backpackers’ area in the old city or the island as it is sometimes called. The new city is nowhere near there.
    Imagine looking at a map of Ayutthaya. To the west of the railway station is the island and all the historical sites. The new city is to the east of the railway station, so it will be about six kilometres from Tony’s.
    Just get a tuk-tuk or motorbike and ask for the AY Disco, Cowboy Bar or Grand Hotel. The red-light area is very compact and very close to all those places. A lot of the karaoke bars had Japanese themes, but I don’t know if that is just a coincidence or designed to attract the Japs.
    suk psycho: I agree that 98 per cent seems high. A lot of figures are just picked out of the air, but it is indisputable that prostitution is firmly embedded throughout Thailand and that many Thai males are enthusiastic mongers.

  4. @ ON – I think I’ve got it – my family used to live ‘on the island’ but have moved to a place near Tesco/Lotus/Robinson – so I guess the area you mean is NW of there – Thanks. I look forward to investigating further.

  5. Onnutter: I’ve missed your writing! Great to see you on the blog again. As always, you can make the simple act of getting laid for money by a Thai girl sound interesting and amusing. Another good post!

    In the mood for a margarita?

  6. Entertaining. I enjoyed this yarn for the tongue and cheek humor more than anything.

  7. Great piece On Nutter. It surely rings a chord with me, as I chanced upon this area whilst on a dirty weekender with my (at the time) new TGF.

    There was no room at the inn anywhere in the Old City, so an enterprising tuk-tuk driver took us to the Grand Hotel. So in the evening, it was food around the night market, beers & football at Cowboy Bar, and 100 Pipers in the AY Disco. From my room I could see a clutch of karaokes with Jap-style Thai chicks outside. I do think this is a Japanese market, as there were a fair few of our sushi-chomping friends in the hotel. Sadly, I’d cooked my goose by bringing someone, so made a mental note to return alone some time. Thanks for confirming I did not imagine it!

  8. Great read On Nutter. BTW, perhaps you haven’t noticed that it is Cinco de Mayo today…

  9. ON: Nonsense! Magaritas are a lady drink, destined for the plant pot when you are distracted by half a dozen tiny hands.

  10. margaritas are awesome if made well and with the right stuff. I don’t ever consider them a ladies drink. Good tequila straight it also awesome.

    I think these guys are referring to the happy hour specials at coyotes. Buy one get one free. get one pitcher and drink another. awesome.

  11. smitty..I have a buddy in Texas who swears Don Julio Especial Silver is the best sippin’ drink in the world.

    Margaritas on the rocks only..not the slushy type.

  12. julio is nice stuff. thats the nice thing. u can sip. a lot of folks think tequila is only for slamming.

    on the rocks. no salt. lime, tequila and cointreau.

  13. No rocks! They just water everything down. Two parts tequila, one part triple sec. Shake with ice and strain. Sometimes the simple things are the best.

  14. I enjoy a nice sip of Aguavero, Silver Don Julio is also good drinking but they both have to be ice cold. I use Don Julio in margaritas as well on the rocks not blended.

    On Nutter: Great story, one more item to add to my Thailand to do list, I enjoy your writing as well takes me there those eye watching you.. yea that was me… shave your ass.

    Ooh yea still hate all you that live in Thailand.. 🙂

    GL

  15. I happen to prefer the homeless, 1,000 Baht short timers. I’m not much of an amputee type of guy and frankly I prefer to pay 500 Baht, but my experience is that even the homeless have bods with a rank of 8-10. I just have a thing for street women. See you all in a few weeks. Tim, Oakland, CA

  16. Tim if ever you wanna go halves on 1 to keep the costs down just lemme know. What with the strong baht we’re all starting to feel the pinch

  17. On Nut, I too was once a young lad in the Land of Smile in search of ruins with a backpack carrying the book, The Hedonist: World Travel Guide, and packets of condoms and generic Viagra. I wish I was then armed with your information of Ayutthaya. But when it comes to Japanese karaoke bars, I haven’t had much luck. In fact, I feel like a total reject when I walk through Jap-Town Soi Thaniya (the Japanese Karaoke ghetto) next to Patpong. I, being the white boy that I am, do not even get one “Hellllooooooo” or “I luv yooooouuuuuuuuu” or even the signature inverted Thai hand flap for come here. I convinced one group of Thaniya bar girls at the door of their bar to let me in by telling them I had a small dick. They fell for it but were disappointed when I unzipped Señor Pepé and they then felt it necessary to compare him to the wireless karaoke microphone…I got laid anyways.

    Speaking of one-legged prostitutes, here’s a video featuring one and a book called How to Pick up Prostitutes. I’m sure someone has already posted it before here on bigmangobar.com but, what the hell, I’ll do again for those who haven’t seen it:
    http://youtube.com/watch?v=5eSflbxXeoo

    I’ll take straight tequila (Cabo Wabo Tequila to be exact). Margaritas give me diarrhea.

  18. will check the vid

    in 99 I went to the cabo wabo new year’s eve party

    paid for the all u can drink option

    woke up at like 4 in the afternoon the next day

    face down on a beach. no shirt. sunburned and about 45 mins away from where I started the night before

    evil

  19. Young Penfold: As long as I can go first. (At my age – it won’t take too long.) And you can have the amputated part for free.

  20. HOLY SHIT, SMIT!!! I’ve never had that happen to me but Cabo Wabo Tequila can be insanity in a bottle…just can’t find Cabo anywhere in Thailand. Know where I can get some?

  21. TImmy – fire away bigman, im patient. If shes an amputee there little chance she’ll be going anywhere in a hurry anyways

    Wally – He neglected to mention the semen in his dreads bit – funny that

  22. Nutter, I break my work-induced silence (rewrites in Phuket), to leave a bottle of soda and a twenty-baht note at the shrine of your post. Bangkok writing at its best.

    Oh – and anyone who thinks a Margarita is a lady-drink needs to lay off the Chang for a while. It is one of the GREAT cocktails. There’s a tiny bar/cafe just around the corner from Emporium (soi 23?) that mixes the best, and by no means the most expensive, Margos I ever drank in BKK. But the guy that built them probably works somewhere else now (this is another important part of serious drinking – Know Your Bartender – that shows up the beer boys for the amateurs they are).

    Just don’t order a mixer at that afterhours ladyboy street bar in front of the Majestic Suit(e)s on Suk St. They serve rubbing alcohol for vodka, and it will paralyse you enough for the ladyboys to swoop. I spat out the first mouthful (of the drink, of the drink – you guys have filthy minds) and walked away while I still could.

  23. To clarify the margarita comment, Onnutter and I got together last week for a go-go crawl. I suggested we meet early for dinner and happy hour at Coyotes near Suk 33 where we would be central to 33, 22, and Soi Cowboy.

    We met around 5:00, Onnutter wasn’t hungry, so we started drinking the 2for1 pints of margarita while we waited for the dinner hour to arrive.

    Somehow we forgot to eat. Six or eight pints of tequila later I opened my eyes to find that it was 9 pm and I was sleeping (passed out) alone on a barstool in a fairly nice restaurant in the peak of the dinner hour.

    I looked for Onnutter (and another friend who had joined us later) and instead saw the bartender who looked at me and said two words, “They left”.

    I got a taxi home and passed out in my own bed at 9:30; so much for the go go crawl!

    I got an SMS from Onnutter late morning that said, “That’s the last time I ‘warm up’ with a few margaritas.” Seems that he did’t really battle on either, and was home in bed by the stroke of 10.

    Sweet? yes.
    Ladies’ drinks? I don’t think so.

    (Of course it’s not the first time I’ve passed out in a bar after drinking tequila… Maybe there’s a lesson in there somewhere.)

  24. yes – the coyote 2 for 1 is amazing. Only reason to go there but reason enough. I go for the pitchers – seems the better deal. I have yet to go on ladies night when they are giving away free margaritas to ladies. margaritas get people drunk – quickly.

    pe – where is this other place that has the margaritas? I need to know. thx

    ww – they are dangerous. esp if u start early on them!

  25. I’ve been there many a Thursday night during ladies night (6 to 8 pm) and there are lots of very attractive Thai females; many of them in power business suits, others a bit more sexy. All of them seem to be competent in English and farang friendly, but generally speaking not from the barfine crowd. For guys interested in connecting to regular Thai women with high self esteem I reckon Coyotes on Sukhumvit during Thursday night ladies night is a pretty good place to go looking. Most of the ladies come in groups, so you’ll probably do well to go with a friend.

  26. Smitty, it’s a daytime cafe/bar deal, no atmosphere. If you come out the side door of Emporium, turn right, and it’s just after the driveway, on the right. You have to go through glass doors (to other businesses), through to the back, where there’s wooden picnic tables and painted walls and a counter bar. They also did outstanding Mojitos. But it’s no place to hang out at!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *