We’ve got this council flat in Staines. It’s a bit dark since they cut the electric off, what with the windows boarded up, but frankly the less I see of her the happier I am. She’s put on a lot of weight on account she can’t get the diet pills, she says. Diet pills my arse. And I’ve run out of Viagra, so what with her fat arse and my limp dick, it’s a good job we can’t see each other if you ask me. I can just hear her snoring. Sometimes I give her a kick, makes no fucking difference, and I wonder what the fuck I’ve done.
It wasn’t always like this. I’d gone to Bankers with me mate, on business nudge-nudge wink-wink, like you do, and it’s no lie, I’d only had about five Changs or nine, in this pub on Nana Soi, soi meaning street, see, and I see this supermodel walk by, and I catch her eye by letting out this belch, to make her laugh, like. And she’s stroking her hair and giving me the eye, but I get that a lot. I’m a pretty fit bloke, used to box a bit in me younger days, keep in shape. Okay, I’ve got a bit of gut on me, but you need a big hammer for a big nail I always say. So anyway, this gorgeous bit of stuff, really classy, sort of saunters by, looking me up and down, and I can tell she’s really juicing up for me. So I kind of gives her me smile, flashing me gold tooth, and she strolls up, and she’s got tits like atomic warheads, gawd knows how they stand up on their own, no bra, this kind of satin evening dress, really classy. And she says, get this, ‒hallo, handsome man!” in this sexy deep voice. What a great line! I never heard this one, so I’m thinking, oy-oy, Craig, we’ve got a smart one here! Brains and beauty, I’ve always been a sucker for that. Like that Gemma in Accounts Receivable. I could of had her. But anyway, this leggy stunner sits on the barstool next to yours truly, and this slit in her dress shows a bit of lace panty. I’d swallowed a couple of blue pills, ‘cos you never know with these Indian bloody chemists, and the old trouser snake (pardon my French, ladies!) is tenting my Camel Active cargo trousers like there’s a war on, and she puts her hand on me crotch, real delicate and ladylike, and gives me a playful squeeze, and it’s love at first sight. She looks at me shirt, it’s a bit sweaty but the girls like that, it’s the phormones, I read about it, and she says ‒same same!” and laughs. I love the way her adam’s apple goes up and down when she laughs. So I twist around a bit so she can read the back, and she laughs again, ‒but different!” It’s just this shirt what I got off the market in Suckumvit Soi, but it appealed to me sense of humour. I’m known as Craig the Comedian back at the office, for the wacky things I say! So anyway, we get to talking, and she’s really an interesting girl, I mean really interesting, you know, to talk to. Apparently she’s got this family back in Nissan, which I thought was a car but it’s a town or something in Thailand, and they got a sick buffalo of all things, it’s like a zoo hospital or something, and her dad has this bad arm so he can’t work. It’s fucking heartbreaking. This young lass (old enough to be my daughter if you know what I mean!) has come out to the Land Of Mango (what they call Bangkok if you’re in the know) to find work. So naturally I’m thinking, oy-oy, I can think of something for you to do sweetheart! So to cut a long story short she agrees to accompany me back to my hotel suite which is a nice family hotel called the PB, only about twenty minutes walk, with Dionne, that’s her name, hanging on me arm and me feeling like the king with all the looks we get. We’d had a few bevvies, her having what she called ‒lady drinks” which was really classy, not like fucking Courtney back in Logistics with her Special Brews, the slag, and Dionne’s tits keep lifting out and I keep pushing them back, and she’d taken off her shoes so I’m carrying them, bloody big shoes, I’m thinking. So we get to me room, falling over somebody sleeping in the corridor, couldn’t find his keys I suppose, and I strips to me Jockeys and sockies and gets into bed while she takes this shower which lasts about an hour or something, and I’m half asleep when she gets in the sack, but she says she’s got the rag on, would I mind fucking her up the old back passage! Would I mind! Oy-oy! So Craigie-boy is doing what he’s famous for, wondering if I should have bought some rubber johnnies while I was in the Seven-Up getting breathmints, but I think, nah, this is a nice clean girl just up from the country, and I slip me hand under her to give the old man in the boat a tickle, and I get the shock of me life. I go limp as a fucking noodle! Dionne, see, has a dick! And I realise she’s what the Thailand people call a girlie-man. So, after a while, I goes into the bathroom and I puke up about a bowlful of Chang, plus some insects I don’t remember eating, and I’m groaning, bent over the bowl like, and bugger me if Dionne doesn’t get behind me and start working her man’s part up me arse! I mean, I should say bugger me if she does, right? Geddit? And she’s saying ‒dark-ling, I lub you long time, I look after you” and I’m beginning to enjoy it, except looking at the insects in the puke in the toilet, so I shuts me eyes and thinks of England, and I will discretely draw a veil over what happened next. Suffice it said that Craigie-boy and Dionne emerged from the PB Bridal Suite as man and very special wife!
Getting her back to the UK was a right hassle, let me tell you. First off, she put ‒anal” where it said ‒sex”, so I had to do the whole thing again for her and slip the bloke a few thou under the counter, I think about forty thousand Bath, which is about twelve quid in English dollars. Then, when we gets back to Staines, me slag wife won’t even let Dionne into the house! This I find is sadly typical of what we call ‒farang” women, which means ‒English nigger” in the Thai language. So I have to traipse up the Council and get a flat, which takes all fucking day before I get the keys and some money off the Social for Dionne to buy another frock, as me ATM card don’t work no more. And we’re only in the place a few days before the local young ‘uns start lobbing bricks through the windows. I mean, Dionne lobs them back, but sometimes it’s not the same window.
So that’s it, really. Me slag wife sold me tools and me Suzy 500 on e-bay, which is like the internet, and I’m stuck here in the dark with Fat Alice who doesn’t even bother to shave her stomach any more. So this is like a warning to all you blokes going out to the Land of Mango for the first time. Don’t forget the rubber johnnies when you get the breathmints! I got this rash, see …