How To Acquire (And Ingest) A Tasty, English Breakfast. In Bangkok. For Dummies. Etc.

Full English Breakfast

This is the good stuff.

I shall commence the tutelage of you ignorant fools by explaining in simple terms what I mean by English Breakfast. I recently posited that the correct ingredients are:

sausages, bacon, eggs, mushrooms, baked beans, black pudding and toast. Fried bread optional. Points deducted for the inclusion of any form of potato”.1

After a series of long and frequently heated discussions with fellow Brits, I have begrudgingly accepted that whilst a fried tomato is also required, potato-based additions, whilst remaining optional in status, should not result in the deduction of points. Fried bread was also overwhelmingly agreed to be optional. Bad luck, Pants Elk2. Black pudding, whilst mandatory for Northerns, may be considered optional by the weaker, more effeminate Southerners or other filthy foreign types.

Now read my words and weep in the realisation of your insignificance, as I dispense the devastating details of how even mere mortals such as yourselves may feast upon the entrails of pigs, in the same manner of style in which I choose to do so, which is obviously the only possible correct way of ever doing anything.

1. Preparation

Whilst the ingredients for our oleaginous3 offal are indeed available from Bangkok’s classier supermarkets, this meal is best enjoyed whilst desperately hung-over, or ideally still actually drunk, perhaps after a long boozy sleep on the floor of your apartment or hotel room. In other words, this is not a meal you should prepare for yourself – because in order to enjoy it, you need to be in a state rendered incapable of cookery.4

I will leave the appropriation of such failure of faculties as an exercise to the reader, but suffice to say that alcohol is a sure-fire winner. Since you will be devouring an English breakfast in the morning, I will however recommend getting drunk in an English manner, ie. fifteen or so pints of lager (bitter or stout5 are also fine, if you like that sort of thing).

Vodka or scotch are acceptable spirit-based alternatives. Other spirits, particularly rum, are not. Jack Daniels is a girl’s drink.

2. Location

Once you’ve peeled yourself off the floor, removed any sleeping hookers from your apartment, and generally completed the bog-standard ex-pat morning routine, you will need to visit an English pub. This is important. You should not visit an Irish pub, because they foist queer bread onto unsuspecting breakfasters.6

And you should not visit an American bar, because Americans consider this to be food:

Jimmy Dean Pancake Sausage Chocolate Chip

Jesus Mothercunting Christ! Pancakes And Sausage On A Stick! With Fucking Chocolate Chips!

The above image is genuine, although the chocolate chip variety appears to have been superceded in its incorrectness by the face-gnawingly wrong Artificial Blueberry Flavour. Great Satan on a tuk-tuk, these people are insane – not to mention inconsistent – I once observed an American tourist happily devouring a steak and kidney pie in a chip shop in England, and was gobsmacked when half-way through this delicacy, the stocky sightseer asked the staff what was actually in a steak and kidney pie, and was informed that the chief ingredients were, in fact, steak and kidney; whereupon he had a strop and refused to finish it – ignorance is evidently almost as blissful as is composing the longest wholly irrelevant run-on sentence I think I have ever commited to a page.

Anyway, I will shortly be reproducing the above picture onto a range of t-shirts, stickers, badges, tattoo stencils and so on. Feel free to use it next time an American tries to argue about the merits of American food. Or sports. Or politics. Or indeed anything at all.

Once you have decided which of Bangkok’s English pubs you are going to grace with your hung-over, slightly lumbering presence, you will need to travel to that location and order food from the service staff who take the orders from customers who want to eat the food. I have discovered that these are called waitresses.

At this point, you are committing yourself to the obligation of a financial transaction. And since it’s common knowledge that we all loathe even the very idea of paying any more than we absolutely must for any services rendered in Thailand, you should take inspiration from some (or indeed all) of the following opening gambits, conceived by myself during my time here in the Land of Smiles:

  1. Haggle. You should always haggle to the point of exhaustion – the Thais love it. If a full English breakfast is listed on the menu at ฿350, for example, offer the money-grabbing waitress ฿218 and your phone number. Or ฿157 and a snog. They love it.
  2. Bide your time. Just as you should never pay a barfine after 12.30am (“Meet me at the 7-eleven, na!”), nor pay more than ฿1,000 for long-time after 1am (and if ever you break this rule, it is vital that you then lie about it on the blogs and forums), efficient time-management can also come in handy at feeding time. Since breakfast is a morning meal, demand an afternoon discount if you’re eating after 12pm. “Maybe no more customer come. Better you give me for ฿100 than not sell any breakfast”, you might leer at the stuck-up cow.
  3. Gamble. Thais love to gamble! If the first two methods fail you, why not whip out a pack of playing cards, and suggest a quick game of poker. I personally like Lebanese/Southern cross, 40/80 the ante with 5s and 2s wild – winner pays for breakfast! If she’s not looking keen, or claims not to know the rules (haha, what kind of idiot doesn’t know how to play poker?!), or things are looking otherwise bleak, you can always save face by down-ball-optioning the glimbart-slide-stakes with a quick hand of gin rummy for an extra sausage and five beans.
  4. Drug. A handy yaa baa pill ground-up and sprinkled into the communal som tam that the waitresses are picking at in the corner or the bar will not only transform the demure service staff into wild-eyed bisexual nymphomaniacs, but it might also result in their tiny little haywire brains entirely forgetting to bill you for the food!7

Once you’ve placed your order8, there will unfortunately be an inevitable delay whilst your food is being immolated. Here are a few suggestions as to what you could do with your time:

  • Offer the waitress ฿329 to suck you off under the table
  • Pop open the laptop and live-blog your dining experience – many pubs now have free wi-fi!
  • If you didn’t bring a laptop, send SMS updates to your twitter feed – even the low-tech paupers can now entertain the masses with the minutiae of their mealtimes.
  • With judicious use of the ancient Asian art of origami, your napkin can be fashioned into a natty hat.
  • Or a dove.
  • Or a paper aeroplane.
  • But not a very good one
  • Er…
  • That’s it.

3. Consumption

Eventually, your meal will be delivered to your table by the now-usually visibly angry waitress. Breathe in the aroma of the world’s finest meal. It’s all yours. I find that this is a good time to pluck a sausage from the plate and make suggestive gestures to any of the service staff who are still prepared to make eye contact.

Now using your cutlery, chop the fuck out of it, put it in your mouth and eat it, you cocking idiots – must I explain everything?

4. Oh, All Right Then

The finest English breakfast in Thailand, in my humble opinion, can be acquired at the Black Swan Pub, just by the stairs to Asoke BTS station, on the south-west side of Asoke junction (near the old location of the Sports Academy).

Honourable mentions to Pattaya’s Pig and Whistle pub on Soi 7, to Bangkok’s Dubliner pub9 near Phrom Phong BTS station (between Sukhumvit sois 22 & 24), and to Bangkok’s Jools on Sukhumvit Soi 4.

With respectful, eyebrow-waggling apologies to BigBabyKenny.

Footnotes:

  1. ^ See here.
  2. ^ And here.
  3. ^ Greasy.
  4. ^ Insert topical political gag here.
  5. ^ Incidentally, bitter and stout drinkers frequently … are.
  6. ^ See soda bread.
  7. ^ Or addiction and death.
  8. ^ And/or successfully convinced the manager not to remove you from the premises
  9. ^ The exception that proves the rule, with regards to Irish pubs.

187 thoughts on “How To Acquire (And Ingest) A Tasty, English Breakfast. In Bangkok. For Dummies. Etc.”

  1. This is what I think of all this:

    KK burgers

    And to anyone coming in from anywhere in the world with Krispy Kremes – please bring a box to the Big Mango ASAP. Day old or not I promise to make Mango Cheeseburgers with KK Buns.

    Now that is what I call breakfast.

    To hell with plates of food with congealed pig’s blood.

    Also – anyone caught trying to negotiate for their breakfast in the mango will get bitch slapped.

  2. Agree with you on the Pig & Whistle in Pats. Best breakfast ever. Period. But I have not yet found anything in Bangkok that matches it. Dubliner is ok but it is an Irish pub. Not tried the black swan breakie but their steak & kidney pie is excellent. Jools has rather lost the plot in recent years…

  3. sidesaladBob.

    That picture looks like it was taken in YP’s kitchen just after he whacked off.

    πŸ˜†

  4. dw – I doubt YP has a kitchen and if so I doubt he can cook. Point is American Cheeseburgers rock – Krispy Kremes are next to divine. The two together seem pretty magical. I would try to make these, knowing Mango burgers rule the bloody roost, but I don’t have any Krispy Kremes.

    Just deal with it.

    Hell – just ignore it since you will never understand.

  5. What the fuck is “black pudding”? (no footnote)

    (And baked beans for breakfast would explain that odd smell that always seems to be lingering when you’re around.)

    I miss your point on the chocolate chip pancakes and sausage on a stick… delicious AND convenient. What could be better!?

    If you want to write something useful about breakfast, can you write a blog telling me where to get pop tarts? The ones with the sweet strawberry topping on them, I mean.

    BTW, if you want to offer an homage to BBK you’re about 3,672 word short.

    You do have an opportunity to make up for it by writing several comments of 1500+ words each defending your initial thesis.

  6. ww – so true. never got the whole beans for breakfast thing.

    That jimmy dean thing is scary but pop tarts rule. I am a strawberry with white frosting type. Toasted. Cold glass of milk. damn. I actually found some at the tops supermarket on soi 26 years ago – they had some corner with overpriced american goods. Damn they were tasty. anyone ? anyone? pop tarts rule.

    I think BBB is actually been writing an addendum to this that he will break up into smaller morsels that he can fling into the comments. My guess is that it was party of the strategy.

  7. @WW: Black pudding is, of course, congealed pigs blood, fried up in pig fat. It is a man’s food, as opposed to Pop Tarts, Crispy Creams (note the *correct* spelling) or indeed pancakes.

  8. I’m cruising into BKK direct from LA after a work trip in the second week of Oct, planning on spending a month in LOS, so if you want a communial box of poptars for the Big Mango, then it shall be so.

    I would try some KK but I fear they wouldn’t be too good after a couple of days in transit.

  9. i – bring on the pop tarts. will toast them up for the bar but also bring a small box of normal glazed KKs if u can. I know they will be 2 days old but we are going to use them for burger buns so no drama.

    I can taste it now…

  10. The statins (or HMG-CoA reductase inhibitors) form a class of hypolipidemic drugs used to lower cholesterol levels in people with or at risk of cardiovascular disease. They lower cholesterol by inhibiting the enzyme HMG-CoA reductase, which is the rate-limiting enzyme of the mevalonate pathway of cholesterol synthesis. Inhibition of this enzyme in the liver stimulates LDL receptors, resulting in an increased clearance of low-density lipoprotein (LDL) from the bloodstream and a decrease in blood cholesterol levels.

  11. i – nice. valiant efforts will be hugely appreciated.

    m – did u comment in error or something? wrong blog?

  12. “I know they will be 2 days old but we are going to use them for burger buns so no drama.”

    nice.

  13. dw – if u were here I would bitch slap u. fyi.

    given u have never had KK u don’t know how to deal with them. I do. I have had to deal with 2 day old ones before since they was the only way to get them. Lightly microwaving them works pretty well.

    Having never made burgers with them I am assuming a light dose of the microwave to soften them and then using them for the burgers should work. Meaning the freshness of them might not matter that much.

    For u though I have some special reserve buns. Been saving them for a while. Just for u.

  14. martin99 – that sounds like something I would have written – is this in support of fried tomatoes? If so, I think we should be told.

  15. Our bros have got us in all sortsa shit – we’re gonna havta turn a trick or two to bolster the coffers – any takers for both of us 3000 Baht?

  16. LS….. hang on.. I’ve read about this negotiating stuff…

    erm… I’ll start at 500bht…. reeeeeally long time?

    πŸ˜†

  17. Nice. Also convenient that the Black Swan is so close to the Asoke BTS/MRT. For many a crushingly hungover morning in BKK I could just retrace my steps to the last place I remember being and, bingo, English fry up.

    @ssB – Near the campus where I went to college was a little greasy spoon place that would take a locally made donut (very KK like in style/flavor), slice it in half, grill it in butter on the same gridle used to make about fifteen million slider cheeseburgers, and serve it open faced with two generous scoops of ice cream. I’m of an age now where such gastronomical excesses are more or less denied me, but like an asset backed paper trader I can still remember.

    dw – congrats on the first Lehman joke. I’m currently preparing my ‘Dummies Guide to the Global Credit Crisis – How Fucked Are You?’ for general publication, but doubt it would clear the high bar for Mango publication.

  18. As much as the Lehman swipe made me giggle… I just know the ssB is boiling now and will most certainly have a little additional ingredient inserted into my next Mango Burger.

    But worst of all… he has the keys to my apartment, so there is also the worry of where he is gonna taking a dump after he fills his belly with all this KK stuff.

    I love you ssB xxx

  19. rd – u know u want one. when I make on in the mango and I allow u to only look but not ingest u will be sorry.

    t – that sounds pretty sick. I thought the hamburger was pushing it. We used to eat at nationwide meats in downtown sac. an old meat locker converted to a burger joint with fresh meat. the nationwide – as it was called I think was – a huge beef patty, cheese, bacon, and a sliced up hot dog. all mashed between a fried bun and served with fries. fries were a potato cut in 4 and dropped in the fryer. comatose comes to mind after ingestion.

    however I think kk mango cheeseburger might work – for some people.

    the blog post sounds interesting. get on it.

  20. dw – u are pretty observant but I am not that blatant or predictable. Whatever it is that baldy, pmmp, bubba and so on have been doing we will never tell you. But 3 or 4 months from now when u don’t even remember this conversation we will be happy to produce the video for your viewing pleasure.

    I love u too.

  21. In a private email, BBB begs me to write a “gushingly fulsome encomium” of this piece. I would love to do so. Nothing would give me greater pleasure than to bestow praise where due, generously and openly. But I, to paraphrase NEP Nok when asked if she’ll go short-time for 500 baht, Can Not.

    Anyone who clings to the faddish (and faggy) notion that fried bread is *optional*, and doesn’t include fried tomato in his list of “correct ingredients” is clearly ill-equipped, intellectually and morally, to hold forth on the subject. Part of his lack of ability to come to terms with his subject is due to blameless immaturity, forgiveable and understandable. BBB is still a wand of a youth, a mere lad of some 28 summers, with the down of adolescence still on his rosy cheek, and he lacks the gustatory experience that would imbue his piece with authority. But part of the failing he must bear on his own sloping shoulders – there is a lack of fine judgement here that, unless addressed and rectified, will surely lead him to the squalid hell of heroin addiction and a pauper’s grave.

    He is, however, absolutely right in everything he says about America and Americans and American “food”. I only hope that this piece, together with its beautiful image of a Great British Breakfast (as hauntingly beautiful as the Turin Shroud, or the addagio in Mozart’s clarinet concerto) will start some of them on the road to Civilisation.

  22. Let me say that the whole plate of what you consider a proper English breakfast, is a true example of crappy English food. First off only one egg and that fried until the edges curled, those two horrible examples of sausage, the look was enough to put me off and that black pile of yuk, well I can’t go on. Beans, surly you jest!

    Now for some real early morning dinning, try three eggs fried in butter, with the yolks still soft, hash browns fried to a golden hue, patty sausage, hot Jimmy Deans, with a side order of 3/4 inch fluffy pancakes with real maple syrup and loads of real American butter. Yes, there is a difference in the quality of butter also. Add two or three cups of hot coffee, now try that once and you will think that you have died and gone to heaven.

  23. Hey, Imprint, don’t ditch the box, It will probably taste better than 2 day old KK Duffnuts.

  24. pe – you started off so well and then had to end with the typical american bashing. Well – deal:

    the man – I hear you but jimmy dean? Please. american can do better than jimmy dean but you are on the right path. pancakes are so important. add in a donut and some fruit to really round it off.

    j – please. don’t u come from a country that eats vegemite?

  25. Doughnuts you Americans, not Donuts……………..Tsk,tsk………. separated by a common language.
    At last the idea that breakfast needs any sort of Potato based “Rissole” eh? eh?? Has been destroyed..
    Beans? Of course only a fool neglects the Beans.
    Pancakes?? I don’t think so.
    Patty Sausage? Sound a bit Gay to me.
    The old Black Pud? (Not a euphemism for the after effects of A Pattaya weekend)……..Optional I agree.
    So as I waddle to my local Cafe for the said English breakfast I bid you all farewell and will be in Bkk next week trying to avoid shit on a stick with currents in it or whatever it was.
    Pip, pip!!
    Uncle D.

  26. How often is the Thai interpretation of the classic English breakfast let down by a sausage that looks like a pink exploded cigar?

  27. In one breath, they dismiss baked beans as being too sweet for breakfast… and yet in the next, they extol the virtues of drizzling maple syrup over their own…

    @Pants: What on earth is an encomium? I said no such thing.

  28. bbb – the bean thing is nothing about sweet. it is about having beans on a breakfast plate. When i mentioned that the first time u said they were sweet – like that would make the difference. sweet or not – beans are not for breakfast.

  29. An encomium is like a rissole, only with less fat. Of course you didn’t say it. The internet is for making things up, right?

    I’m not bashing Americans, BOB. Oh hang on, yes I am actually. But it’s nothing to the bashing you’ll get from Palin when she steps into the President’s shoes.

  30. all this effort for extolling the virtues of a heart attack on a plate?!

    do you smoke as well?

  31. Actually beans go nicely if prepared and served with the appropriate foods. some pinto’s fried and mashed with touch of cheese or chorizo works splendidly in a nice fresh flour tortilla. or how about some marinated pork shredded accompanying two scrambled eggs with fresh salsa on top served with a side of papa’s fritas finishing up with a shot of 1800 to get your day going.

    Us wetbacks eat some nasty shit as well but i can never remember eating anything so closely resembling a placenta, a hockey puck and two uncircumcised leprechaun penises.

    why are we even allowing someone from a place that is world renowned for shitty food spew such crap? with all the wonderful things to stick in a pie the british chose kidneys? with pumpkins, pecan, apples, lemons being available the british are famous for wasting piecrusts around the world with dead animal organs.

    Krispey Kremes are shit too though yet people are addicted to them. i can walk around lodi with a dozen and use them as payment for sexual services from any of the various white meth addicts walking around the walmart parking lot.

  32. I have to totally agree with The Man. It’s a shame that the best alternative that we have out here most of the time is an English Breakfast. Sad really.

  33. The Man really is ‘da Man! Beautifully described.

    I also have to agree with UCW that the ‘wetbacks’ do some things with beans that make them acceptable in otherwise unacceptable circumstances, however, breakfast is not one of them.

    Damn! All this talk about breakfast has me craving a Mango McMuffin or three!

    Ah well, the rice cooker just clicked… my khao suay is ready to be eaten.

  34. To all dissenting Americans: I refer you to the above image of Jimmy Dean’s Pancakes & Sausage On A Stick, thereby winning the argument.

  35. at least we didn’t name a food after a condition you get from refusing to wear a partyhat with your latest barfine. *ahem* spotted dick *ahem*

  36. BBB: Jimmy Dean’s Pancakes & Sausage on a Stick represent the technological advancements in breakfast technology that make America great.

    There is nothing better than pancakes and sausage for breakfast. To put them together in a convenient and mobile form demonstrates America’s ongoing commitment to the advancement of the food arts.

    Win the argument? I think not young one. You’re barely even IN the argument.

    American breakfast food in every form is a magnificent glorification of the morning meal. While your ‘ultimate’ breakfast represents several forms of pork & pork blood, sweet beans and a badly cooked egg.

    Back to the drawing board for you, son.

  37. That’s got to be the ugliest plate of “food” I have ever seen. I see:

    Baked beans: runny rabbit terds….
    Mushrooms: well, mushrooms…
    Egg on toast: an abcess waiting to burst…
    Shortback bacon: elephant scab…
    Black pudding: processed dog shit, but nicely shaped…
    Sausages: 2 Pygmie dicks…

  38. This is a subject very close to my artery-clogged heart, so here’s my two pennorth.
    The price of an English breakfast must include tea and coffee, preferably with free refills. The Dubliner’s monster 350-baht breakfast does not do so and they have the cheek to add 7 per cent VAT. Another minus mark for including three types of potato (sauteed, hash browns and potato bread) plus soda bread.
    Chequers and Finnegans on Soi 4 and the Soi 8 Pub do decent breakfasts for about 200 baht.
    Memo to Big Mango Bar: those big sausages you serve with your bangers and mash must go on the breakfast menu. Sausage patties are all very well but we Brits find them slightly embarrassing.
    IMHO, the best English breakfast in Thailand is in Isaan at Mojo’s pub in Udon Thani. When I was there nearly three years ago, I was told of its reputation and wasn’t disappointed. The owner was from Newcastle, where they know about breakfasts. He warned me it was of monstrous proportions, and it was. The ingredients were top-notch and a friendly waitress kept topping up diners with free refills of orange juice, tea and coffee. I didn’t need to eat again that day.

  39. I’ve tried different types of breakfast all over the world I will have to cast my vote for southwestern US. I lived in New Mexico for a while and the Chorizo Skillet and the Green Chili Breakfast Burritos are heavenly. UnCochino touched on it of course being the resident wetback. Have to agree with him here.

    Full English though is brilliant. Jools is my favorite but I’m still researching. Have to try Black Swan for sure. Can’t do the fried bread though, I’m too near my death bed as it is.

    I of course love eating at the Mango. Big surprise. I just need to get some chorizo and green chili in here and life would rock.

  40. @ Daywalker/Smitty – I do have a kitchen, but mother prefers that I leave our butler too it.

    Everyone knows that a real mans breakfast is 3 weetbaix, a banana, a protein shake with 2 raw eggs, and a wank in a sock, then a bareknuckle fistfight with a shark. Pussies

  41. Jools mega-feed-your-fat-fuckin-face breakfast is huge and I’ve never finished it. Don’t know how much it costs, but I got change from a thousand.

    I was pleasantly surprised my the Mango McMUFFin. I’ve only had it once, but then, that was the only day I was up early. Usually breakfast consists of a JD & Coke and some Salt & Vinegar crisps. And as the Villa Market is out of suck crisps, JD & Coke with as many refills as my wallet will allow.

    Enough of the American bashing. If we are gonna ‘bash’.. let’s pick on Australia. Or better still, just bash WW πŸ˜‰

  42. BBB im literally in awe of your greatness. You have taken the time out of your hectic schedule of brown-dicking skag-heads and swindling bargirls out of rent money by playing SNAP, to enrich our feeble lives, an I am ever so grateful.

    How can I repay you? Perhaps you can do me the honoue of deflower my young sister? Allow me to blow my nose on your ballbag? Perhaps stub out a fagbutt on my eye?

    Awaiting your reply

    YP

  43. @Wetback: This from a citizen of the nation that brought us Turd-ucken?

    @WW: Presumably those “technological advancements in breakfast technology” relate to the development of some futuristic new polymer which allows the shit to remain firmly affixed to the stick?

    @JB: So you liked the mushrooms? Your Rorschach-like interpretation of the ingredients is frankly troubling.

    @ON: Sure, that’s why The Dubliner only got an honourable mention – some of their ingredients are terrific, but the over-abundance of potatoes combined with the lack of tea ensures that they will never take the crown. Udon Thani is a little far to travel for breakfast, but I’ll check it out next time I’m on a recruitment drive.

    @DW: The McMUFFin is a fine alternative to the full English, but due to its lack of pig can only rate as Bangkok’s second-best meal with which to start the day.

    @YP: The nobility of your praise is matched only by the illiteracy of your comments. The “honoue” is all mine.

    Still waiting for the first commenter to acknowledge that the article had almost nothing whatsoever to do with breakfast, but keep ’em coming.

  44. You know what BBB, your post bares a striking resemblance to another author on the site.

    How I do miss those posts. I miss them almost as much as the fond memories I have for the green discharge that adorned the inner lining of my board-shorts when I had the crippling dose of ghonneria I contracted back in ’07. Or as much as the time my foreskin tore like a cigarette paper when I was 7

    Eagerly awaiting your next submission

  45. BBB: C’mon I was in there at 2:24 p.m.:

    BTW, if you want to offer an homage to BBK you’re about 3,672 word short.

    You do have an opportunity to make up for it by writing several comments of 1500+ words each defending your initial thesis.

    and again at 2:43 p.m.:

    My only surprise was that it wasn’t labeled “Part 1Ò€³ πŸ˜€

    Still, you DID write about breakfast… I thought the comments have been in the same spirit.

  46. @YP: Your foreskin made me cringe. As it did all the boys, I’m sure…

    @WW: Well now I look stupid, don’t I? Missed that bit, or forgot about it anyway. I think your feigned ignorance of black pudding must have emptied my head of all other thoughts.

  47. Maybe I missed it but did you mention where your first photo was taken from? Except for the black hockey puck looking thing it looks wicked good. Well, minus one of the sausages too that looks like my dong after a few days in Pattaya.

  48. @ Wetback – love the Southeastern breakfasts I’ve had, mostly in Texas and N. Mexico. They should be pretty easily doable in BKK, some chilies, fried eggs (Thai fried eggs are fantastic) bacon, and sausage with some beans if you like ’em.

    @ ssB – Nationwide sounds pretty damn fun for an occasional indulgence. I’m originally from Wisconsin and I’m trying to figure out the most artery clogging thing we had there. Probably breaded, deep fried bacon, which was the famous fare at a dive bar where I used to watch Packer games on TV. Loved the pic of the diner. I was just in the central Washington desert kicking around for a week. Not a lot of fancy restaurants but a couple of killer diners. Ordered sausage gravy and biscuits at one place and even trying to kill a three alarm hangover I could only choke down about a third of it.

    To all, on the hangover breakfast front I also recommend the Jamaican cure. Ackee + salt fish + a dash of rum in your fruit juice (guava is good) + a short meeting with Jah. Not the gilded path to a productive day but at least the pain is gone.

  49. I think your clients may need my services at some time.
    Please mention “KK Mango Cheeseburger” for 5% discount off my surgical fees for your stent implant or bypass surgery.
    Best regards
    Dr A Chen MD
    Changi General Hospital

  50. whaaaaat? the famous and longed for mango mcmuffin has no pig?
    say it aint so……
    πŸ™

  51. This has to be one of the funniest and most entertaining threads I have ever read! Excellent work! πŸ˜€

    I remember now just why I didn’t like spending all that time working for ‘3’ in Hemel Hempstead a couple years ago… UK Breakfasts!

    I prefer three eggs scrambled with a bit of cheddar, and either a piece of thick ham steak or a nice sirloin (medium) and a slice of toast with butter and grape jelly, and coffee.

    Although if I’m in a hurry it’s two Krispy Kremes (eaten within 10 minutes of the last sighting of the “Hot Doughnuts Now” sign) and a cup of coffee…

  52. Pancake & sausage on a stick. My arteries are pissing blood just looking at it from here. :/

    -N

  53. Bearing in mind the American-British divide on this subject, may I suggest the unlikely setting of the Silver Dollar Bar in Washington Square as a place that offers the best of both worlds at great prices.
    Among the Texan offerings is SOS gravy on toast with fried egg. SOS stands for “shit on shingle” but don’t let that put you off. It is creamed beef and tastes better than it looks.
    The Pinto bean soup with pork, served with corn bread/garlic bread and spring onions, is also a tasty hangover cure.
    Steak and eggs, pork chop and eggs and bacon/ham eggs all come with fried potatoes, toast, butter and jam for less than 200 baht. The bar even does those breakfast pancakes that mixed-up Americans enjoy – and there is a Continental breakfast for Frenchmen and gays.

  54. the mexican breakfasts are totally doable in bkk. i do them every sunday morning with a nice cup of cafe con leche. chorizo is difficult to find but the salsa’s are easily doable and passable tortillas are abundant here.

    BBB: american breakfasts taste and they also look great which is more than i say say about that picture of what appears to be food but can easily pass for an aborted fetus. i’m not sure if i should get a fork or a formaldehyde jar.

  55. @pmmp: Found it on Google. Can’t remember exactly where, sorry.

    Surely all American food is essentially just European food on a bigger plate, with extra sugar?

  56. Can I weigh in with some more gratuitous and offensive anti-American sentiments? Reading an American’s opinion on the Great British Breakfast is like watching a deaf-mute in a phone booth. This is a people for whom “cooking skills” means twisting an Oreo in half. Whose gastronomic expertise has made “you want fries with that?” the most-asked question in the world. Who think that cheese comes out of a can. Who smugly criticise the diet of every other nation in the world except that of – pause for dramatic effect – *Mexico*. Who can’t see anything wrong with the phrase “imported Champagne”. Who- oh, excuse me – Sarah Palin is on TV!

  57. A slice of haggis should definitely be included, a minimum of two eggs, possibly Lorne sausage and a tattle scone if one can be had – if not fried tatties are acceptable (must be from the day before though). Camel bar in Ban Chang provides a monster breakfast, never been able to finish it, mind you never tried it sober either.

    @ bongo – “do you smoke as well”? – Probably YP could answer that one!

  58. I forgot to mention that [IMHO] the P&W here in Pattaya serves at best a mediocre full english which is grossly overpriced.

    Crazy Daves on Soi Chaiyaphoon would have been a better choice, equal quality and portion size to the P&W at a miniscule fraction of the price, IIRC his ‘cheapest’ full english is about 79 baht.

    There are literally hundreds of places here in Pattaya where a decent full english can be found for very reasonable prices too, P&W may be the most famous but it is by no means anywhere near the top of list when it comes to quality, quantity or excellence.

    Siam Sunshine

  59. Grits anyone?

    @riodon – magic…but should all put stuffed between two rolls!!

    Brown Sauce or Ketchup?

    -KT

  60. docbond: don’t despair, the Mango McMuffin is served with gratuitously large portions of pig in two varieties.

    Pants Elk:

    “Can I weigh in with some more … sentiments? Reading an American’s opinion … [is] Great. This is a people for … “cooking skills” …. Whose … expertise has made “you want fries with that?” the most-asked question in the world…. Who can’t [do] anything wrong…!”

    I couldn’t agree more with your ideas as expressed here. Genius.

  61. SSBob, Marmite sir, Marmite, please don’t lump me in with our Vegimite loving cousins from down under.

    Un Cocky Setback, I must agrre that Spotted Dick is an unfortunate name for such a delicious pudding. Spotted Dick and Custard…Food of the Gods.

    On the subject of baked beans with your breakfast, they are usually given as an either/or with fried tomatoes. Canned tomatoes should never be used as they are only eaten by people who cannot cope with solid food.

  62. BBB:

    I think your feigned ignorance of black pudding must have emptied my head of all other thoughts.

    Nothing feigned about it… my ignorance is complete! πŸ˜€

  63. @riodon: That is not a breakfast fit for an Englishman – it is merely a breakfast for Scotchmen. Let’s not confuse things here.

    @SS: I liked the Pig and Whistle breakfast, but I’ll certainly be trying your other suggestions on my next mini-break down at the seaside.

    Grits are funny. And on the McMUFFin front I meant a *relative* lack of pig, rather than an outright lack. It comes with a sausage patty or bacon. My breakfast comes with representatives of pretty much every part of the pig.

    @Jaiyenyen: Marmite on toast for those on a diet. Vegemite is incorrect. And I demand beans *and* tomatoes…

  64. Didn’t I see Worf and his Klingon buddies on a StarTrek episode wolfing down something similar?

  65. French philosopher dude- was that the episode in which kirk got with the 3 boobed alien?

  66. @Rene: Perhaps but you must remember this about Klingons from Wikipedia:

    “Most Klingon body functions incorporate multiple redundancies, such as redundant stomachs, lungs, livers, an eight-chambered heart (although the Star Trek Medical Reference Manual shows a three-chambered heart), and twenty-three ribs. [5] This characteristic, known as “brak’lul”, [5] makes Klingons incredibly resilient. Klingon ribs are arranged in a latticework; the structure might be compared to chainmail. Klingon teeth are typically serrated, with multiple edges and ridges.”

    So, they can blow out a stomach after eating a few hundred English breakfasts and keep on rolling. However, even Klingons won’t eat the fried bread.

  67. @BBB “Scotchmen” sorry not familiar with that is that the collective noun for colonials who think they can drink. I do apologies I forgat how easy it was for an Englishman to be confused.

    @KTBanker Brown, always!

    Had dinner with an American gentleman in an “English Pub” he had the steak and kidney pie. I asked how he enjoyed his meal he eplied “the meat was good but there were no beans”. His reaction was interesting when I smiled and he realised the offal truth!

  68. @UnCochinoWetback: Wasn’t that Total Recall?

    @pmmp: I’m not surprised that you are an expert on Klingon biology. I’m only surprised that you had to look it up.

    @riodon: Scotch is the word for people from Scotland, duh!

    nb. Note to Americans: Scotland is a small industrial town in the North of England.

  69. Nothing seems to inspire comment like food. I admit, I couldn’t read thrugh 78 of these things, so here goes:

    Ghost = American

    I prefer English breakfasts. I’m sold, if it contains the following:

    * SCRAMBLED eggs (2 or 3) — no mention of cooking methid on BBB’s piece.

    * Sausage
    * Bacon (English)
    * Mushrooms
    * FRIEND TOMATO — A must.
    * Beans — Love them. Don’t know what ssB is on about….

    * I’ll eat some potatoes, if there, but not required.
    * Do not put that black pudding stuff on my plate
    * Friend bread is gross.

    For Patttaya, I suggested Pig & Whistle to BBB, but later was told by a mate from Birmingham that YORKIE’S in Jomtien Beach is the best. I also found The Sportsman (Soi 6), Rosie O’Grady’s (Yes, Irish) to have a huge, tasty breakfast.

    As for American breakfast fare? Never been a fan.

    * Kirpy Kremes — love ’em.
    * Pop Tarts — Chocolate please, toasted
    * Whipped creme or chocolate crips on Pancakes? Blech. Strawberry preseres only.

    Now what’s for lunch?

  70. @WW: England may be a small island, but we banished enough convicts during the 18th century to populate both America and Australia – perhaps they didn’t like fried bread either πŸ˜‰

    @Ghost: Eggs are usually fried, scrambled is seen as a bit pretentious. And makes the pan hard to clean. Not that that’s any of our concern, since it’s someone else’s job to wash up. And when I say fried, I mean just fried – none of that sunny-side easy-over nonsense.

  71. You’re all getting more excited than a blind lesbian in a fishmongers!….Breakfast is English as originally pictured, always has been, hence the legend ‘full english breakfast’ to be seen the world over.I mean, have you ever seen the sign ‘full spanish breakfast’in such Costa Del Sol resorts (thats near Spain for the Americans)as Fuengirola where true brits (from the north,us from the sth-east go to Marbella) can be found dining on this great english staple. Should not come with anything resembling a potato and certainly not with maple syrup..whats that all about! that’s canadian anyway, which is a sort of american, only slower.

  72. Of course… in England, we just call it ‘breakfast’.

    – pointless entry I know. I just wanted to knock BBK off 15th place on the list of posts most commented on.

    😈

  73. @BBB – Scotch is a word our colonial friends mistakenly use when referring to whisky – that would be Scottish whisky as opposed to whiskey like wot our Celtic cousins from across the water produce.

    Scotland as you are no doubt aware is the home of everything that is good and fair in this fine world. People from Scotland are collectively known as Scots or Scottish, their neighbours to the south are generally known as English tossers!

  74. We Americans have been able to modify everything that was considered edible in every European country. We had to modify those things so as to obtain some resemblance of what foods should taste like. Italian pizza looks and taste like a frizz bee, France can’t do a piece of meat without some sort of sauce to help kill the taste. Indians hide everything in yogurt, Thais, got to have dipping, and the English, well, I think enough has been said about that. Not fit for a table!

    Note Scotland is a country where the women, shave their legs, which don’t look like Popeye’s forearm and know when to keep their mouths shut.

    Any good Mexican knows that if your going to have beans with breakfast they must be re fries, with a hot, that’s spicy, salsa and corn tortillas

  75. Werewolf! Similarly, let me agree wholeheartedly with the following texts taken from your own posts:
    “America … [is] a … country of … appalling … rednecks [and other] misfits and … retards. I am [ashamed] to call myself [American]. Were it not for … Penfold, [with whom I] am now living, I could not [bear] the … shame. And our food is … crap.”

  76. English tossers

    points deducted for redundancy. Like saying “drunk Irishmen”, “small-dicked Japanese”, “Thai whores”, “arrogant Frenchman”, “smelly Arabs”, “sheep-loving Kiwi”, “Lying Chinamen”, “poor Cambodians”, “starving Ethiopians”, “hairy Italians”, “short Pygmys” or “Fantastic Americans”

  77. The usual take on a recovery morning breakfast is a like a combo of pommy and yank breakfasts, with the aussie twist.

    Toast – spread with vegemite, covered in baked beans then two poached eggs on top.
    Fried tomato, bacon and mushrooms on the side.

    surprisingly good.

  78. Time out fellas…. let’s all have a beer in the well known English pub (Duke) owned by some Americans?

    They are currently doing a special deal… Drink as much as you can… for a shit load of cash.

  79. “the Mango McMuffin is served with gratuitously large portions of pig in two varieties”

    “And on the McMUFFin front I meant a *relative* lack of pig, rather than an outright lack. It comes with a sausage patty or bacon….”

    Phew! – almost cancelled my flight……………
    What?…. you thought I came for the women?…. get real…

  80. One notes, with a certain amount of satisfaction, that this post is approaching 100 responses. I feel it is my duty to help young Bad Boy get there – although last time I tried to assist him (offering him a sub-editor job) he responded with a homophobic barb.
    Personally I haven’t eaten breakfast for 47 years – at 8.00 a.m. each morning Fontwell brushes my cheeks with a satsuma before bringing me the morning papers.

  81. Have to agree with the comment on Yorkies in Jomtien…great breakfast. They also sell proper sausage…the flat kind that doesn’t roll off your roll. Good pies too…but we’re moving on to lunch.

    Lager or Heavy with breakfast?

  82. @riodon: I was hoping for a “sassenach”, but English tosser will do.

    @The Man: No, they’ve taken real food, added extra saturated fat and high-fructose corn syrup, and served it on plates larger than the hubcaps on an SUV. And I know my hubcaps.

    @Imprint: Vegemite? Get out.

    @Daywalker: You buying?

    @doctorbond: I thought you’d booked with XL. No need to cancel…

    @TLC: Apologies, I was under the misapprehension that a sub-editor job was like a hand-job, only not as good.

    @KTBanker: Just a dash of Pimms in a cup of tea.

    @AS: Damn right.

  83. “Fontwell brushes my cheeks with a satsuma before bringing me the morning papers.”

    I love you, TLC. Oh, not in a faggy, limp-wristed, simpering, calf-eyed kind of way. In a manly, brotherly, outdoorsy kind of way. I see you posing, as if for a knitting pattern; leaning cavalierly on a five-bar gate, a briar clenched in your rugged smile, your immaculately-shod foot firmly lodged up the backside of a red setter.

  84. How kind Mr Elk. If I may correct you, the gate has six bars. I suspect you are thinking of the Worthington-Smythes in the next village (Lady Worthington-Smythe is taking Spanish lessons you know, but we don’t like to speculate).

  85. on nutter – please dont use the silver dollar as an example of a venue for american food or decent mexican food. maybe – 10 years ago but not today. I went over their to try the SOS – which by the way is not really a good sample of american fare – and was pretty let down.

    They said it could be ordered with proper white biscuits which is the best way to eat it. I waited like 20 minutes for it and it was served over wheat toast that had not been toasted with a very raw egg. The slop – the actual SOS was not bad but overall a big let down.

    I may try their pancakes and stuff but I doubt it will be good. Real awesome american breakfast choices don’t seem to be implemented well by the Thais. That is why in Thailand you don’t see too many good american breakfast options. Even in america a good breakfast short order cook is a rare thing and a coveted gig. the mexicans do okay but they tend to mexican out the menu. So I can’t honestly point people to a good option but having worked in England a fair bit I don’t see a real good proper english breakfast in Thailand – full, half or q that compares. Pig’s blood or not.

    The mango mcMUFFin comes with a proper sausage patty. I think it is perfect. So deal with it. We need to evolve the options more and we will over time.

    I do think this whole argument is funny and I love the bashing people get into. We have had to delete some comments and commenters for going way over the line here.

    Get a life folks!

    Clearly the whole thing is a piss take since BBB sits at home most of the time and orders pizza and drinks beer laos. Beer laos is a brew from Laos started by a female brewer from checkoslovokia and pizza company is an american owned company with a thai twist. So much for his country loyalty. πŸ™‚

    This debate about scotland, ireland , england is silly. It is all the same country anyway so who cares. If not the same country then the same continent. And if not that then the same people with mostly the same lifestyle with mostly the same currency. At least I think but as an american I am not sure where these places really are but still debating it is silly. Ireland is like Canada to me.

    The english breakfast has some options but is mainly a bunch of basic and non basic things all fried up and served in unholy portions. It has nothing on the advancement of such items as omelets, pancakes, various forms of potatoes, proper bacon, good bread and so on. Let alone waffles, french toats,fried grits, the tex mex options and so on.

    I think the man summed it up well with describing how america has had to fix the food, the language, the financial system and so on. Before anyone comments please note that the whole subprime mess was invented in England by 2 english bankers who started the very products that caused the meltdown and the meltdown of their own hedge funds.

    But hell BBB – i will give you the breakfast win and take the blissful allure of america. I mean where else could someone like McCain and Pallin actually exist let alone stage a comeback?

    So who is bringing the Krispy Kreme DONUTS – the grill awaits!

  86. You deleted some comments? That means BBB has scored a technical century already!!!! BRAVO!!!

  87. @BBB: “sassenach” would no doubt have required further explanation for our colonial friends and seemed too much effort at the time. It would of course have been “Sassenach bastard” as you rarely hear or see the first word without it being imediately followed by the second.

    @KTB: For breakfast one should always drink Murphy’s where available, of course if there is enough Murphy’s then it is perfectly acceptable to forgo the solids! Pies, similar to breakfast and Murphy’s for that matter is a 24/7 food option. Of course if someone has inserted something other than animal products inside it, then it is for ladies to eat.

    @AS: total agreement with yourself and BBB.

  88. pe – we deleted the offensive comments and deleted the responses to them cause once we deleted the offensive ones the replied lost their context.

    also to those that care:

    vegemite = marmite

    We will also delete shameless comments that are just for getting the 100th comment.

  89. btw – having just landed the 100th comment we can stop that game.

    I will be working on my 10 part series soon of how america is better than every country but especially england for dummies.

    I will be consulting with BBK to make sure I get the gambling analogies right, the man for historical references, RD for my english issues, WW for making sure I don’t get England and Australia mixed up and YP will be the offensive coordinator. Meaning I need him to make sure I make it offensive enough.

    I may also create podcasts or video casts to stress things with pictures knowing the literacy rates of people from areas like liverpool, lodi and udon thani.

    Also – let me highlight a few of the other most commented posts that are still in the top 15:

    http://www.bigmangobar.com/main/2008/04/17/lessons-in-seo-stupidity-of-farangs-or-crazy-bargirls/

    http://www.bigmangobar.com/main/2007/10/25/drink-the-mango-dry-nights/

    http://www.bigmangobar.com/main/2008/05/23/the-new-way-forward-part-2/

    http://www.bigmangobar.com/main/2008/07/24/more-politics-breakfast-and-remembering-anonzo/

    http://www.bigmangobar.com/main/2008/02/25/were-baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack/

    http://www.bigmangobar.com/main/2008/06/13/bkk-in-a-funk/

    http://www.bigmangobar.com/main/2008/07/23/surrounded-by-white-trash/

  90. WW nice to see you embracing the homeland and showing abit of pride for that which we have certainly surpassed our east Jersey or southern Irish tosser cousins. I agree with the whole Mex-Breakfast thing! We have have more Mexicans here than in all of Mexico and the food has evolved into its own class! Hot salsa with any part of a pig, rice, eggs, beans, and corn tortillas would surely shut the trap of any hung over Brit in need after a binge!
    So what flavors of poptarts you like? I’m doing the Walmart run next week.
    Also how many GOP t-shirts and Official LAPD coffee mugs should I bring? Bay Watch is still running in England right?

  91. Whoah. This has to stop. I’ve read some offensive and stupid things on this blog, but “Vegemite = Marmite” is easily the most offensive and stupid thing I’ve read on a blog noted for offensive and stupid remarks. You might as well, with equal logic, add = catamite = hypocrite = kryptonite.

    Vegemite and Marmite don’t taste the same, don’t look the same, don’t smell the same, and are made of entirely different ingredients. Another crucial difference is that Vegemite is eaten ONLY by Australians, which is pretty damning of both product and consumer. It is a by-product of the latex industry, and contains nothing found in nature.

  92. SSB I also share your desire for a KK cheeseburger. I just want Vegemite on mine. Can the Mango menu pls evolve to include this?

  93. @PE. So we have a latex industry in Australia? That’s awesome! I thought we outsourced all our manufacturing industries to Indo years ago! Where’s the factory? I need work.. I was working for Lehman Bros flogging CDO’s to local government councils…

  94. sidesaladBOB

    I noticed you didn’t state that you would consult Suk Psycho for direction on making your eagerly awaited post ‘boring’.

    What am I saying? As if you need help on that one?

    πŸ˜†

  95. DW: You may want to wash the bedsheets when you get back. Then again, you may not as they stand up on their own rather nicely and would serve as a handsome room divider. As a matter of fact, functionally they’re now very similar to this fine Cork Bulletin Board Room Divider:

    http://www.overstock.com/Worldstock/Cork-Bulletin-Board-Room-Divider-China/1030521/product.html

    And more good news! No need for thumbtacks as the humidity seems to provide the surface with an ever present adhesive property.

    Enjoy!

  96. I can’t believe I read this whole thread. Here it is.

    3 eggs over easy
    Toast
    Meat
    Hash Browns or cottage fries….American fries also acceptable.
    Coffee

    Bloody Mary while you wait for the above. Blow job optional but recommended.

    Repeat.

  97. marmite and vegemite are just two more examples of british foods that look like diarrhea. the commonwealth is so hard up for something uniquely theirs that they would resort to eating the shit left at the bottom of a brewery vat. it’s on the same level at balut in the filipines and horse penis in china.

    no way the UK can even hold a candle to american cuisine. while you guys are baking sheep rectums in pies we have the option of cajun, bbq, tex-mex, world famous chowders and pizzas and our very own bastardized version of chinese food. how can frying a piece of bread and complimenting it with pigs blood and some placenta looking piece of meat even come close to the vast catalogue of available breakfast options in the states. the fact that an english breakfast is available all over the world just shows how easy it is to dig up leftover animal innards and other assorted shit, fry it up and slap it on a plate for some hungover brit to chew on.

  98. In the words of Chris Rock…..(not quite word for word though)

    “All you can eat” offers around the world pretty much mean the same.

    However, in America, it reads as ‘Eat as much as you can”.

    I am the first to hold my hand up and state those Americans sure do know their food. They don’t know how to hold a knife and fork at the same time but then that would only slow down the shovelling.

    But more importantly, have we all got ahead of ourselves? We shouldn’t be taking cheap shots and each other. Not when those French Bastards are still breathing.

    😈

  99. Q. How many Frenchmen does it take to defend France from a German invasion?
    A. Nobody knows. It’s never been tried.

  100. “There is nothing lower than the human race…except for the French.” – Mark Twain 1878-79

  101. @riodon: Too true, on all your points. I think this could be the start of a wonderful Anglo-Scotch friendship.

    @ssB: I am about to knock you out of the top 3 most commented posts ever. This is testament to just how correct I am on all matters culinary.

    @nurseRon: Baywatch is the USA’s finest export. That and The A Team. What happened to your TV shows anyway?

    @DampBehind: “we have the option of cajun, bbq, tex-mex, world famous chowders and pizzas and our very own bastardized version of chinese food” – so that would be arguably-American, burnt, Mexican, Canadian soup, Italian and Chinese food then?

    @Goodlife: The second “meal” is entirely brown. Troubling.

    And for what it’s worth, I rather like the French.

    The fact that the French army is the only reason the Yanks managed to overthrow the Brits in that little scuffle a couple of hundred years ago is an embarassment to both sides though…

  102. “And for what it’s worth, I rather like the French.”

    hmmm…. it’s worth about as much as one of your promises to get a round in.

    :mrgreen:

  103. The acrimoniousness of the Brits (as evidenced by BBB trying to defend the above) can be easily explained. A small factor is the fact that the English Breakfast and ‘their’ language were improved upon. The rest can be explained by the size, nature and general unpleasantness of their women, but most of all by the state of their teeth. There you have it.

    Candidates for ‘The Ultimate Breakfast’ should also include Huevos Rancheros topped with Chile Verde Sauce with Pork.

  104. Daywalker what you talking about? The tight cunt is getting his ‘promotion’ **snigger** this month
    If the cheap prick ever buys me THAT beer he promised me, I vow to shit and fall back in it (again)

  105. Bacon – smoked (not smoked is like bringing a fart to a shit fight)
    Baked Beans – Heinz, nothing else will do,
    Sausages (yes they are made from lips and arseholes)
    Mushrooms
    Fried Bread (crispy, in fact so crispy it can only be identified by it’s dental records)
    Black pudding (and white pudding – my Grandma was Irish)
    Fried eggs – if you ask for sunny side up, er I don’t know what that means.
    1 round of bread and butter (proper full fat, fuck off and die butter)
    Tomatoes – no thanks, not even sure if I can spell them.

    Never had a brekie like that in Thailand, but Steve’s bar in Udon comes close.
    Try the West Indian Cafe just off Boscombe High Street, near Bournemouth, England. Β£3.50 (240 baht) including Lavaza coffee.

  106. Only BBB could read 120 comments telling him how wrong he is, count them, and use the high number to declare himself correct!

    Poor deluded soul

  107. Oh yeah – another thing – there isn’t a single American beer worth drinking, either. The US Can Not brew beer.

  108. @Daywalker – I live by the old Atlnta saying about the “all you can eat” menus… I don’t eat till I’m full, I eat till I’m tired πŸ™‚

    sip

  109. american beers are better when you are already drunk, everyone knows that.

    BBB- the thing about cuisine is that is doesn’t matter where it comes from, it’s what you do with it to make it your own. japan has effectively done this with burgers, steak and various other items and the states has a knack for taking semi-edible european and world cuisine, running it through the ol’innovator machine to create something knew. it’d be foolish to think that at this point in time anything regarding cuisine would be truly original unless you count the scottish (or irish, they look the same) deep frying mars bars.

    Renatus Cartesius- mark twain said a lot of funny bullshit. i think he was drunk most of the time. too bad american library’s are banning his books for racist language. damn you sarah palin.

  110. Marmite and Vegemite the same.

    I’d happily eat spoonfuls of vegemite, but even the smell of marmite makes me want to vomit. There is no place in this world for marmite.

  111. World’s fattest Countries
    Rank Country %
    1. Nauru 94.5
    2. Micronesia, Federated States of 91.1
    3. Cook Islands 90.9
    4. Tonga 90.8
    5. Niue 81.7
    6. Samoa 80.4
    7. Palau 78.4
    8. Kuwait 74.2
    9. United States 74.1
    10. Kiribati 73.6
    11. Dominica 71.0
    12. Barbados 69.7
    13. Argentina 69.4
    14. Egypt 69.4
    15. Malta 68.7
    16. Greece 68.5
    17. New Zealand 68.4
    18. United Arab Emirates 68.3
    19. Mexico 68.1
    20. Trinidad and Tobago 67.9
    21. Australia 67.4
    22. Belarus 66.8
    23. Chile 65.3
    24. Venezuela (Bolivarian Republic of) 65.2
    25. Seychelles 64.6
    26. Bahrain 64.1
    27. Andorra 63.8
    28. United Kingdom 63.8

  112. bbb – no offense you cracked the top ten not over your culinary expertise but because no one can agree on the subject which shows that basically a typical english breakfast is mostly considered a plate of crap – except from people who are english.

    however the more we debate this the more the comments will come and the more you will win.

    so I am over it.

    congrats.

    I am having a Mango McMUFFin to celebrate!

  113. Not sure about ‘vegemite’… but I read in the FHM magazine that eating marmite makes your sperm taste nasty. Not being one for eating my own sperm or indeed others, I wouldn’t know.

    Just thought I’d let you know incase anyone was planning a night out with YP?

  114. DW: Yes, you have bedsheets. No doubt compliments of one of the CWs pmmp decided to service in your room.

    Now I know why a young lass commented about the sheets smellimg of marmite.

  115. Bubba…

    Hopefully one of the CW’s will compliment my new bedsheets with a bed. – as I don’t have one of those either!

    I didn’t know what marmite smells of until I heard you fart πŸ˜‰

    😳

  116. DW: There are all sorts of things in you room that weren’t there since your last visit. Knowing you’ve been living in a nearly sterile environment for the last month I’m sure the olfactory assult experienced when you open the door will no doubt leave you breathless.

    Enjoy! πŸ™‚

  117. Can’t believe that breakfast gets you guys(well who really knows who is who or what) into such a frenzy.
    Before the new Big Mango (and since.. but less often) we always went to Bus Stop (Aussie owned) on Soi 4 sort of diagonally opposite Hilary 2 Bar. Since we only ever meet there at 2 pm we always enjoy roast lamb specially flown in from NZ on Saturdays and Sundays. You can also get it for dinner (but that rarely happens with us)… where does that time go?
    Full Breakfast for 160 Bht is a good deal on all days!
    Always have breakfast thrown in to the price of a room (1290 Bht) at Nana Hotel.. but who gets up (for breakfast) b4 10.30 am in bkk? We have heard it is really good however.

  118. 3amigos, where was your obligatory mention of The Ring Fashion Massage? Im guessing you went theere AFTER?

    I had pizza for breakfast today. Any danger of pizza at the Mango? Smittys always talking about pizza perfection in BKK……

  119. Totally late to the game, but I’ve never had a proper English savory pie. Suggestions for best steak + ale or steak + kidney pie in NYC or BKK?

  120. Baked beans – essential. They provide the lubricant to smooth down the remaining items, plus the carbs and sugar for the hangover remedy.

    I agree, forget potatoes with breakfast; they properly belong with fish and chips the night before (eaten best out of newspaper, in the street, of course). But, that’s a completely different subject.

  121. I’m all for the full-on English brekk (and although a septic tank, bring on the black pudding, say I).

    The beans are fine with me, but huevos rancheros with refried beans, fresh corn tortillas, queso fresco and salsa is also a hell of a way to kickstart your day. It’s just one of several traditional desayunos (Mex breakfasts), but the only one you’re likely to see in Asia. What Bangkok could use is a place also dishing up huevos Mexicana, huevos con jamon y con tocino…I know there are some cabrones on this board who know what I’m talking about.

    JtB

  122. I WANT SEX WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND RIGHT NOW!!!

    See, BBK *that’s* the way to boost hits on a blogpiece that’s circling the drain. Something to get the dozy fuckers out there excited!

    (NOTE TO DOZY BLOGMEISTER: This is a bogus post by Pants Elk, dressed as a Uni girl. What’s that? You would, you know …)

  123. Is it considered bad form to pay an additional 100 baht to a member of your hotels staff to go to the pig & Whistle to get your English breakfast because you are too lazy to get? (Having turned your nose up at the American breakfast on the hotel’s menu)

  124. i love when the limeys get all brash and bothered whilst addressing their cross-pond masters. it’s cute…kinda like when a chihuahua growls at you when you try to pet it. the best part about it is that the chihuahua (and the limey) actually thinks it has accomplished something other than the self emasculation it derives from its most obviously compensatory behavior. other similarities between the chihuahua and the limey: snarled brown teeth. all the better to devour blood entrails with i suppose.

  125. d – nice video

    problem is the financial superiority mentioned kind of is not true anymore.

    I still stand by the facts though – subprime was invented in London. Looks like Europe is just starting to feel the pain of their own inventions.

    problem is that each time we comment more on this post BBB head swells…

  126. If I may plagiarize my own post…

    The Great British Breakfast.

    The Great British Breakfast, a tricky piece of terminology, was apparently invented by Alfred the Great in 958 CE and exported to Thailand at some unknown point thereafter. His dabbling in the culinary arts, originally designed to merely satisfy the caloric requirements of the British working classes, was summarily rejected by the equally innovative French next door in favor of the croissant and coffee. An affront to the modern palate, it consisted primarily of whatever bland ingredients that were lying around and due to spoil that day. A customizable combination of pan-fried eggs, pork lard, mushrooms, sauté potatoes, griddled tomato, black pudding, porridge, baked beans, deviled hogs kidney, brown sauce puddle, haggis, liver slurry, fried onions, and fried bread. It’s modern-day offshoot is now primary confined to the kitchens of Bangkok’s specialty pubs, identified by any sort of Crest hanging out front, and populated by Midlands expats determined to find countrymen and consume liberal quantities of beer while washing down a 3000 calorie fry-up at 7 o’clock in the morning. Of special note is the requirement to excitedly spew half a mouthful of beer and half-chewed pork lard across the bar any time an image of Posh or Beckam appears on the telly. Any hotel in Bangkok or Pattaya costing more than 900 baht is reluctant to call their morning meal “Full English” or the like having quickly realized anyone raised as a citizen and not a subject, would upon presentation of the laboratory concoction, immediately get up, turn their head away, and scrape the entire plate into the nearest trash bin and simply consume the merciful orange juice. Wholly shunned by Thais, Canadians, and colonials, it wouldn’t be served to prisoners in the USA for fear of riots.

    BTW…the busiest breakfast joint in BKK is the McDonald’s at Asoke Robinson’s which means it’s the busiest breakfast joint in Thailand. The Thais vote with their baht. What’s the least-uttered phrase in Bangkok (Hell, let’s just admit it, the world)? “Honey, let’s try that new English restaurant, I hear it’s great”.

  127. I don’t think it counts if it’s not on the same blog, but I do have only 12 more (uh, now 13) to match this one. Of course, it’s easy when you get a bunch of Facebook-connected, holier-than-thou undergraduate Khao San Road-type Americans all piling on….

  128. I would just like to ramp up my comment count by declaring this page the Official Mango American Election Page!

    Obamarama!

  129. BBB – getting back to topic, have you had a chance to try the breakfast at the Queen Victoria by Soi Cowboy? They offer a king’s and a queen’s version – includes a pot of tea or coffee and all the other essentials you mention, but also “hashbrowns” (i thought those were an american invention – never saw them as an item for an english breakfast). I’ve only tried the fish and chips, which were nothing to write home about. is there any place centrally located that does mushy peas like “oh my cod”?

  130. Go Dems!

    Tax the rich!

    If you can find them!

    @gs: I’ll get back to you on that one. The Offshore Chippy on Suk Soi 23 does mushy peas, but they are for some reason brown.

  131. bbb – I think we can use this thread to announce and track your non smoking quest now that obama has won. Is that correct?

  132. @ssB: Am chain-smoking until the victory speech.

    And if he gets shot before inaugaration day, I start again.

  133. @Pmmp – Chorizo – just bought some in Villa.

    They were kind of small – but so what!

    I am telling anyone that if they have not had a Chorizo and eggs, soft shell corn tacos and some hot salsa for breakfeast – you’re missing something! Maybe include a DOS X beer as well!

    I am a NY boy so I really miss good bagels!

    JOMTIEN – I am an American and I really like the English Breakfast’s at Simple Simon on Soi 5.

    Gorkys’s (Soi 14) is fantastic and the view of the beach when you eat at Gorkys is great. The gammon Gorky sells is great for (hot or cold) ham and cheese sandwiches.

    BKK – a guy I know here really well from the UK has a company named BUNTERS FOODS (he as a www site) and I love is ham’s, gammon, sausages, pies but I am not one for the “puddings” he makes – with all due respect, not into eating cubes of blood so to speak.

    I guess you have to adapt a little – I have eaten grass hoppers and som tom for breakfast – but nevermind I was hungry!

  134. I eat breakfast in BKK. If breakfast is a large packet of Salt & Vinegar crisps (Villa Market 200bht) at 6pm when I wake up?

    😈

  135. @BBB Was in the Mango on the 30th with my black pudding in my hand as promised where were you?

  136. @Jock: I was on a tropical beach island, daaaan saaaarf, also enjoying black pudding. Happy (och aye the) noo year.

  137. If there’s no black pudding handy, a scoop of chicken’s blood and a sprinking of pork fat in your noodle broth is a nice way to start the day.

  138. @ssB: Au contraire, I was merely responding to Messrs. Riodon & Combover.

    Anyway, you’re just jealous because you’ve never written about anything quite so compelling as offal πŸ™‚

  139. @BBB: “Anyway, you’re just jealous because you’ve never written about anything quite so compelling as offal”

    Well he’s surely vented his spleen on man any occasion, except it’s perhaps not livered up to expectations.

  140. co – There are times after a particularly hard bout of partying and rich eating that after a longer than normal time in the throne room that I wonder if I haven’t offal’d – but usually I don’t stare at it long enough to be sure, I see no reason to write about it and putting it on a plate as an accompaniment to breakfast just seems well – ludicrous.

  141. @C: There are just a few standards which we need to meat. Let’s not forget that nothing less than the collective sanity of our readership is at steak here.

  142. sheesh! k. bob, as moderator, could you put a stop to this bacon forth between these two?

  143. gs – I would love to since this is just a bold grab for the top commented post but it is tough for me to separate the spam out.

  144. Ye kidney really describe it as spam. However, ah haven’t really got the heart. Haggis ah’d better bite ma tongue and call it a day.

  145. As long as I can have an ‘English’ breakfast without the egg, I’m a fan. Great stuff to wake up to. The only thing better is the previous night’s currie, while eggs are only to be eaten if you have sri racha sauce. I don’t care about being a purist, I just want to be able to get something down that tastes good and won’t make me puke. English breakfasts work for me, American breakfasts don’t. Kiaw Diaw also works, but you have to leave out the dried chillies.

  146. Bolton is a truly horrible town. The above link, however, has made me truly eager to return there.

    I’ll be in the UK later this year, and fully intend to at least attempt to eat one of the above.

    Gavinmac, I will invoice you for my gastric band.

  147. Makes you question the quality of the ingredients used to turn that thing around and for a profit when it includes 10 sausages, 10 rashers of bacon, 5 dollops of bigs blood plus the other shyte.

    To call Bolton a shithole, would be offensive to shitholes, so the rent on that cafe would be tuppence a month, and the staff up there are on about 2quid a day wages, so I can see the economics in it

    I thought The Dubliner breakfast was big……………

  148. BBB I always thought you were from Merseyside. If you are, ‘truly horrible’ must surely mean anywhere where the locals don’t wear turquoise Lacoste tracksuits on feast days.

    How can anywhere that’s home to Tess Daly, Vernon Kaye or Ruth Kelly be truly horrible?

    Also, parking is very reasonable at Market Place. And there is a sex shop called Softy’s Hard One. Beat that!

    YP I know that Hemel is north of Watford, and so in the eyes of most Londoners, that makes you a Northerner, but I still don’t believe you’ve ever been to Bolton.

  149. Not wanting to boost the comments on this thread but have considered Marmite on toast with a nice cup of tea?

    yum yum….

    :mrgreen:

  150. Bully’s pub next to the petrol station near soi four has a wide range of breakfasts. Though unfotuneately no ‘boudin noir’ and be warned the American Breakfast is a bit gay as it has vegatable matter in the form of of sliced red and Green peppers!!!

  151. Having been a fan of the Black Swan breakfast for a while, the Queen Vic on Soi 23 has now taken the No.1 spot for feeding your fat face in the morning (4pm)

  152. See what you’ve done? I spent an entire hour re-reading all that – what happened to all that wit and wisdom?

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