10 things I hate about Bangkok – Part 6 by On Nutter

More of On Nutter and his famous Top 10 Lists…

Part 5

Part 4

Part 3

Part 2

Part 1

THE LANDMARK LEPER:

leper.jpgAs the economy slides, aided and abetted by the tragi-comedy of Thai politics, begging is one of Bangkok’s few growth industries. Beggars are everywhere and may soon outnumber tourists. Compassion fatigue is inevitable when confronted with a procession of amputees, down-and-outs, alcoholics and homeless mothers – and it gets even worse when you step outside the Big Mango Bar. Only two beggars receive my largesse – the cross-eyed man who sits outside my condo and the apparent leper who plies his trade near the Landmark Hotel. The latter, pictured here, is extremely vocal and would shame even Bangkok Bad Boy into putting his hand into his pocket. I hand over my hard-earned because I am scared of him. Look at his pitiless eyes – he resembles a former Klong Toey hitman down on his luck. I gave him 100 baht in return for this picture. He didn’t smile. He never does.

NANA PIG DOG’S TATTOOED CLONE:

pigdog.jpg

tattoodog.jpgHere is perhaps the only picture of the Nana Pig Dog in motion. I captured him as he perambulated down Soi 4 in a midday search for more protein, his porcine snout sniffing out abandoned street food. As imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, Pig Dog might be pleased to hear that he has a doppelganger not far away at the stairway to Nana Skytrain station. This dog is about as fat as Pig Dog and even less keen on exercise (I have yet to see him move). Bizarrely, he has Thai writing tattooed on his mangy coat, so perhaps some cunning linguist can shed light on what it says.

ROBOCOP PARKING ATTENDANTS:

roboparker.jpgIs there any other country where so many whistles are blown and hands waved to so little effect? Look at the parking attendant here – police-style motorcycle helmet, bib, white gloves, walkie-talkie and military boots. He looks as though he should be quelling a riot at Government House instead of whistling at motorists who ignore him anyway.

MY LAUNDRY BILL:

laundrybill.jpgAfter two years in Bangkok’s eastern suburbs, I recently made possibly the biggest mistake of my life by moving to Sukhumvit Soi 4. My reasoning was that I would save a lot of money on taxis to and from the nightlife areas. While that has proved correct, those savings have been wiped out and more by my slide into alcoholism and the extra expenses of living in a tourist area. Out in the sticks, a massage was 100 baht an hour and a haircut was 60 baht; in Fantasyland you can treble those figures and more. The biggest shock, though, has been laundry. After paying about 200 baht a month to get everything washed and ironed out in the wilds, I am now stumping up about 1,000, even though I have found a relatively cheap place that will do it for 80 baht a kilogram. The first laundry I visited tried to scam me by charging for individual items, meaning that I would have been paying 200 baht more than the outrageous 100-baht-per-kilo rate that they advertised in their window. It’s easy to lose your shirt in Soi 4.

SHRINK-WRAPPED LAUNDRY:

laundrypackages.jpgPerhaps the reason for the high laundry prices is that your clothes are returned in plastic packaging. I have no idea why. As anyone who has visited a 7-Eleven or supermarket will know, the purchase of 10 items means that your items will be placed in five plastic carrier bags. It is a similar deal with laundry. As my picture shows, my last load was returned in seven plastic packages. There is something strange going on here that we farangs don’t understand, perhaps involving financial links between the laundries and Thailand’s thriving polymer industry.

THE ZOMBIE SKYTRAIN DESCENT:

zombies.jpgThais don’t like to walk – that’s why there are so many motorbike taxis – and when they do reluctantly break into a stride, they have only two speeds: slow and dead slow. It is a fair bet that Thailand’s sprint team will never be found sobbing with pride as they listen to their national anthem on an Olympic podium. This national reluctance to move at an acceptable pace is never more frustrating than when one is attempting to leave a Skytrain station. If you are behind 30 Thais descending a staircase, you might as well sit down and have a packed lunch because you are going nowhere in a hurry. I was recently quite severely disabled through gout (see descent into alcoholism mentioned above) and could only hobble in extreme pain. Even so, I was not able to walk slowly enough to keep in synch with the throng of Thai zombies at Skytrain stations. I have seen milk turn faster.

THE BEER GARDEN:

beergarden.jpgIt is not fair to say that I hate this Soi 7 institution; I just hate what happens to me there. Unlike beer bars and gogo bars, where girls come and go quite regularly, the Beer Garden has had the same old faces since I was a fresh-faced newbie 10 years ago. They never forget you or the fact that you bought them a drink in 1999. They still want to ‒take care” of you even though you really want to be talking to the 21-year-old cutie sitting alone at the far end of the bar. The Beer Garden is the black hole of Bangkok nightlife – enter once and you can never escape.

FARANGS DRIVING TUK-TUKS:

tuktuk.jpgIt is bad enough dodging the Thai maniacs who drive these motorised lawnmowers without having to deal with a pissed-up farang doing so for a bet after bunging the driver a few red notes. Besides, they don’t know which massage parlours or Indian tailors to take you to.

KHAO SAN ROAD:

khaosan.jpgHave you been in daytime recently? The harassment level has gone off the scale, from dozens of persistent tuk-tuk drivers to misguided Indian tailors and even the turbaned ‒Lucky Man” fortune-tellers previously only seen in lower Sukhumvit. You have to question the intelligence of tailors who thought it was a good idea to set up stall in a street where vests and fisherman’s trousers are the height of fashion. Can you really see a backpacker buying a cashmere suit? Then there are the food vendors. Nearly every one specialises in Pad Thai, the noodle dish so beloved of budget-conscious travellers who want to experience ‒the real Thailand” while staying in a theme park. Ugh.

THE BROLLY BRIGADE:

brolly.jpgUnlike normal people, Thais don’t use umbrellas when it is raining. They use them to fend off the sun’s evil rays, which seems a bit pointless in a country of dark-skinned people where it is sunny nearly every day. Given their lack of spatial awareness and sloth-like walking, Thais holding umbrellas represent a potentially fatal danger to pedestrians trying to pass them. Be careful out there.

61 thoughts on “10 things I hate about Bangkok – Part 6 by On Nutter”

  1. Nana Pig Dogs name is Khao and a jolly fine fellow he is too. A real Dog with attitude who sneers at Chicken bones offered by Farangs as he waits for the Squid Man to arrive.
    He does have many offsprings and Ladies near Nana Sky Train, but who does’nt?? Arf, arf.
    Come to think of it, some of the most sensible conversations I have had In Soi 4 have been with him too.
    Off to catch a plane, In Bkk tomorrow…………..
    Wait for me Khao, don’t listen to these meanies. I will bring you something nice from Duty Free…………..
    Ahem!

  2. Re.- ‘THE LANDMARK LEPER’

    The other little fucker ‘slug-boy’ who drags himself around near Suk soi 11… I’ve recently seen him on a skateboard.

    No longer will I be tempted to chuck him a few coins now that the little slug is showing off with his ‘extreme sports’ antics.

    πŸ‘Ώ

  3. I can say from personal experience that the pig dog at Nana station apparently known as “Khao” will also partake in Chang beer and any type of hot processed meat on a stick

  4. @ On Nutter – seems you just need to get out of the city for a while – camping up north or something, breathe in some mountain air and play with dogs that can move.
    Gimmie all your girlfriends numbers – I’ll keep em entertained until you return

  5. Nice one On Nutter,

    THE BROLLY BRIGADE is a priceless one , so many days I have spent dodging the corners of a person walking down the middle of the sidewalk.

    And that’s it you don’t get any free rides home in my Tuk-Tuk then…..
    πŸ™‚

    Cheers

  6. The Parking Attendant whistle would be my number one. Man, give them a toy and they won’t stop. Sometimes I dream I’d follow them to their place and blow whistle all night long!

    The slow motion on the sidewalk is boring too, however I understand that, because we Farang move quickly but sweat a lot! Farang rawn!

  7. The laundry bit is hilarious. I think I might use the same laundry service you mention, but for me it’s a bargain. My first trip to BKK I foolishly dropped off some clothes to be washed in my hotel. Now then, I don’t think that removing the dirt, grime, car pollution, and whiskey-sweat from my dirigible sized (to a Thai) clothing is especially FUN, but when I got the bill if I recall correctly I was charged 120 baht per sock. Not pair of socks, mind, but each sock, and obviously prices went up from there for larger articles of clothing.

  8. Wow, 120 per sock, those were worn dirty on both sides right! The worst laundry experience I’ve ever had was at the Asian Palace hotel in Phnom Penh. I had one clean pair of underwear and no clean socks or outer garments. I gave the maid everything I owned less the cleanest of the dirty shit I was wearing. This was at 8:00am and she promised all would be ready before check out time the next day. The next morning they stalled and stalled until 12:30pm (30 min. past check out time and an hour & 15 minutes before I miss my bus to Sihanoulville) I’m literally fucked because I have nothing to put in the luggage that is supposed to be packed and ready to go! Finally my clothes appear at my door and the maid is very eager to dump em and run. They also love to use plastic in Cambo, but it’s even more fun when your clothes aren’t dry before they pack em so nicely!
    Needles to say I went off LA style on this fucking punkass manager and was nearly arrested. I was told the wash was at no charge but you can imagine the fun it was unpacking what smelled like our favorite little Jenny Craig pup Khoa, after he took a soothing bath, was wrapped in plastic, and then locked up for 5 hours in the cargo hold of a Mekong Limo service bus! Good times!

  9. Laundry: When on holiday in Thailand I always wash my clothes with the soap, bath foam and shampoo offered in the hotel bathroom. Never bring stuff to a laundry. Would I have business clothes or need my clothes to dry within a few hours… sure, laundry would be neccessary.

    So what does that Thai writing on Nana Sky Train dogpig (its more a pig than a dog… genetically) say?

  10. Oh yeah and the umbrella gangs, I just grab them and smile as I pass. I’ve literally been poked in the face many times (drunk and sober!) And the slow speed I think is due in part to the fucked up pavers and lack of even grades that are everywhere. I have 3 pairs of Eccos’ that look like I wore them the days I was working as a stunt dummy being drug behind moving vehicles. So if you look up to notice the sharp sheet metal corner of the sign that’s about to put your eye out you will surely be impaled by some sloth wielding an erratic sun shade, and if those don’t get you an open sewer or missing paving stone will. But it’s all GOOD!!!

  11. Me being lingustically-challenged, I got my wife to examine said photo of the Nana BTS hound, and she told me the writing says: dog, fierce, be careful.

    She suggests a motocy man might have written it (evidence, m’lud?). But whoever wrote it must have been brave, given the message.

  12. “What’s with the negative vibes man?”

    ps i’m not the one who gave the beggar who doesn’t know enough to get in out of the rain a c note.

  13. Part 6 of “10 things you hate about Bangkok”. That makes 60 things you hate about Bangkok, quite a lot. In fact I wonder why you just don’t stay home in your own country. Or is it that there are more problems in your own country?

    “THE ZOMBIE SKYTRAIN DESCENT”???:

    You westerners are always in some kind of hurry, whereever you are.
    If you have problems with the pace of the Thais, go find yourself another country.

  14. The Landmark Leppar – I think he has a cousin that crawls Bangla Road Phuket. The dude sells cigarettes and wanky flowers to pissed tourist twats. He has those crazy legs – like tanned cotton buds. Keep that shit in the circus
    He has an annoying habbit of tugging your trousers/shorts and squealing something inaudible in an excorsist style voice. I trod on him by accident once. ACCIDENT πŸ˜‰

  15. if you hat bangkok so much, why be there, maybe you need to change your attitude a bit and look how fortunate you are to be there and have more than most of the people you meet, and especially the beggars.
    i think it is time to get a reality check and if you are so worried about spending money on clean socks perhaps it is time to check in to re-hab

  16. @ Ato

    Why so upset?

    Im sorry if the girl you were buying drinks for all night left you when she saw a westerner walk in the bar, I see how hard it is for a Asian to get poontang in Bangkok , I feel for you bro,I understand how hard it is, they see you and think you drive a tuk-tuk all day.

    Not to worry we can take you out one night, once the girls see you with us you will be fine.

    Chok dee mate….

  17. I agree entirely with “kdogs”.

    If you “hat” Bangkok, you are almost certainly a candidate for “re—hab”.

    What’s for breakfast?

  18. @ Bangkok Bad Boy

    Ahh do I de-test some ssacassmm.. πŸ™‚

    Oh shit i thought that was the spelling, damm american edumacation…

  19. Well done, On Nutter. The photos are a great addition to the series.

    I have the following suggestion for #11: THAI SCHOOLBOYS PLAYING VIDEO GAMES IN AN INTERNET CAFE. Woe be tied to the poor soul who dares venture into a web cafe full of adolescent, sugar-spiked Thai boys. Not only will the kids likely be decked out in their creepy school uniforms, they will also have the volume of every computer set to decibel-bursting levels. Add to this the incessant shouting whenever one of the wretched twerps kills the enemy, scores a point, or saves the universe, and you’ll welcome the relative tranquility of Rachada, Silom or Sukhumvit at rush hour. I don’t know how the dek serve at the web cafes can stand it.

    If only I had a photo!

  20. Ling – couldnt agree with you more there my man

    You notice how these annoying little cunts ALL seem to have that generic whiney/croaky, mid-pubecent, slightly ladyboyish voice that everytime I hear it, makes me wince like somebody if slipping lemon coated razorblades down my jap-eye.

    If there were no consequences, Id make an example out of one of these pricks. Id roll down those ridiculously high socks, pull down their unimaginably tight shorts, and jam the mouse up their hairless jaxi’s, mid-game in front of their homo-eroticly attired friends. Then Im sure the decibel level would drop

    I mean, how am I meant to hunt for fluff on tagged and facebook with that type of GBH of the earholes?

  21. Onnutter: Reading this I was surprised… it has a bitter edge that wasn’t there in your hilariously funny parts 1 to 5. I think you can see this reflected in the rebukes posted by Ato and kdogs.

    (Ato & kdogs: if you haven’t seen the earlier installments, it’s worth reading them to see the tongue-in-cheek comedy that this series has always offered)

    While parts 1, 2, 3, 4 and 5 made it obvious that you, in fact, LOVE Bangkok and were just poking fun at the things (some annoying, some not) that we all notice about the city, part 6 seems to be filled with things that you really DO hate.

    Maybe it’s the photos that remove the comic edge, or maybe you’re actually starting to feel bitter about being here?

    If anyone else had written this as an ‘homage’ I would have suggested that they didn’t understand the spirit of Onnutter’s “10 things..” blogs. Since you wrote it yourself, I can’t say that, but it seems a totally different creature from it’s ancestors, missing the elements of fun and comedy that made me enjoy the earlier installments.

    You’re my all time favorite blogger, bar none, but this one isn’t one of my all time favorite blogs. I miss the truly comic genius of Onnutter.

    But I’ll still buy you a beer next time I see you at the Mango. πŸ™‚

  22. “In fact I wonder why you just don’t stay home in your own country.”

    My number one thing I hate about Bkk would be the “why don’t you just go home to your own country” neanderthals that chip in every time you suggest that Thailand may be something less than perfect.

  23. damn straight Nok.

    If those boys don’t like digesting the bad with the good then why don’t they just stop reading the blog πŸ™‚

  24. ato and kdog – pulls your small heads out of your asses.

    ato – you do this all time boy. u are so negative that you can’t even digest a humorous piece. I would say u are the unhappy one but I won’t tell u to go home.

    Just stop reading the blog. I don’t need your page views as bad u need to be an ass.

    thanks!

    it takes someone who really knows bkk and loves it to wrtie stuff like this to begin with.

    on nutter – great stuff. love the photos.

    the brolly brigade is becoming an increasing danger to me – since they are hooking my dreads. shit.

    nok – so true.

  25. I didn’t read any of the bitterness or real dislike that’s been alluded to. These are trivial annoyances, right? Which are written about humorously? Fine premise for a blog piece, and handled very well here. Nice to see the laundry mafia getting a slap-down, too.

  26. Onnutter: I think the tone of this post is that it reads seriously. It has a completely different feel to all your earlier efforts.

    My comments on your earlier pieces:

    Part 4:

    I have been away from the internet for a while and missed parts 1, 2 & 3 but part 4 had me laughing out loud. I’ll definitely be using the search function to find the first three installments. Good work On Nutter.

    Part 5:

    On Nutter: if you ever see me in a bar, walk up & introduce yourself and I’ll buy you a drink. The “10 Things I Hate about Bangkok” series is my favorite piece of writing on the internet. Waiting for each new installment gives me a reason for living.

    Clearly I’m a fan. But, honestly, part 6 reads more like a serious essay on why you hate living here.

    Maybe it’s the pics, I dunno. Perhaps starting a comedy piece with a photo of a legless begging leper is just a little too cutting edge for me.

    WW

  27. Oh I dunno, I chuckled all the way through.

    More of the same, from this reader’s perspective.

    I would add that the bit about me being a tight-fisted bastard wasn’t very funny though.

  28. I like what On Nutter writes and the way he writes it. We all know that it is always funnier and easier to talk about the things you don’t like than the things you like. A train that comes late is a story. A train that arrives on time is not. Huh.. well, for Thailand the train is maybe not the good example though, as a train arriving on time would probably make the front page of the Bangkok post πŸ™‚

  29. I AGREE MOST PEOPLE CHOOSE TO LIVE HERE BECAUSE ITS NICE AND DIFFERENT TO WESTERN COUNTRIES.YES SOME THINGS ARE ANNOYING BUT OVERALL ITS A HELL OF A LOT MORE FUN AND INTERESTING INTERACTING WITH THE THAIS-99% MORE SO WITH THE LADIES THAN BEING STUCK WITH A FAT,BAD ATTITUDE WHITE BITCH,THAT EXPECTS YOU TO DO EVERYTHING FOR HER.A FAT DOG,SLOW THAIS WITH UMBRELLAS,HEY EVEN NOISY PARKING ATTENDANTS-ALTHOUGH THEY CAN MOOVE QUICKLY WHEN YOU TRY AND RUN OVER THEIR TOES-MINOR INCONVENIENCES REALLY.HAVE A NICE DAY EVERYONE OR A SOAPY-WHATEVER YOU LIKE JUST SMILE MORE DOING IT OK

  30. on nutter – its fucking funny. end of story

    zep – I went to angels. thanks for the reminder of why it is great living here. πŸ™‚

  31. Great list OnNuts again. I will say that I don’t think your alcoholism has reached a serious point yet. Last night you left some beer in your Pint glass before wobbling home. It wasn’t wasted though as BBB was there to knock it down.

    As for pig dog I believe his full name is Ike Khao and when it comes to meat on a stick he prefers the kidney/liver thing over chicken/pork/beef. Ike is super intelligent btw and very moody. He came into the old Mango once and we shoo’d him away. I felt bad as he was stunned at the treatment. After all, the plaza is his domain. I tried giving him a nice piece of chicken as a piece offering but he rejected it, left, and never came back to the bar again. True story. The other night I saw one of his girls on soi 11. She was hanging by the 7. She then crossed the street and I noticed she wasn’t walking on one of her legs. She still crossed the street took a piss in a puddle and then came back over to hang at the 7. The Ike Khao line is a special group of dogs.

    @Nok: Right on.

  32. Strange how Pig Dog and BBB get conflated (I think that’s the word) so easily. One is a fat lazy dirty useless flea-ridden abomination that sleeps under the Skytrain steps, and the other doesn’t write a blog. You’re as likely to get a drink out of one as the other, though.

  33. I just re-read my own comment (above) and I have to say it’s the funniest thing I ever read. What a great blog this is!

  34. Another awesome piece, but once again not to everyone’s liking. Everyone ones a critic it seems and we wait with baited breath for their brilliant post.
    “Clearly I’m a fan. But, honestly, part 6 reads more like a serious essay on why you hate living here” Sounds like you hit your head falling into the sewer. If this is a serious essay I’ll eat my h……hang on this is Bangkok perhaps it would constitute a serious essay.
    As for what’s written on the dog I ran it through the Thai pirate DVD subtitle computer program and this came out.
    Take go only short time. Me girlfriend young Penfold.

    Actually WW can say what he likes with his body of work and due to the fact he’s big mean looking bastard.

  35. I have it on good authority that Pig Dog was the original owner of Big Dogs Bar… he sold it immediately upon seeing the misspelling of the sign… He just knew how futile it would be to get a spelling correction in Thailand.

  36. sideshowBOB:
    You are the man! Who is the “negative” one? I read want I want and I don’t need some dude that tells me what to read and what not to.

    On Nutter:
    Try to see the positive and bright side of life (in this case: Bangkok) and next time try to post a topic “10 things I LOVE about Bangkok”. 60 bad things about Bangkok is getting too much.

  37. We all have our minor irritations, but otherwise adore the LOS…otherwiose we would be some where else.

    Strangely enough I share one minor concern wth Mr. On Nutter: which has to do with bar girls not being properly kitted-out in matching bra and panties. Invariablity they sport some quite ill suited underwear, and when I take them to Central to purchase two or three matching pairs, and discover that they not wearing them a few days later, they invariably just say, “Sister she wear them.”

    So On Nutter is quite correct. The difference between proper TGs and bar TGs, usually has to do with the underwear. Thus if one is dubious whether a well dressed little lady one might have met at Starbucks is legitimate or “on the game”, the trick is to challenge her to reveal her underwear style sooner than later.

  38. I love Ato’s comments. I don’t think he realises the amount of pleasure he brings to this community. Keep it up, Noodle-On-Shoulder Boy!

  39. Uh … Ato’s words have been changed, no? From “f u” to “you are the man?”

    I’m like, WTF??!! LOL! ROFL!

  40. Having written two comments I should shut up, I know, but…

    I’ve re-read the section on the Landmark Leper carefully now. There’s a lot in there that’s funny that I didn’t notice the first time because I was so gobsmacked by the photo at the top of the piece. I’m not even joking. The line “…and it gets even worse when you step outside the Big Mango Bar” made no impact on me when I read it before. Really, I think my reaction to this blog was largely driven by having that photo at the top of it.

    The entire TWO sections on laundry, though, are damn near straight from the heart complaints about the cost of laundry, with a ‘smile’ thrown in at the end of each section. They do a lot to make the blog sound like an actual ‘bitch list’.

    I think I would have enjoyed this more without the ‘extra’ photos.

    If I were God I’d make a few changes:

    Take out the photo of the Leper, just because it’s hard to laugh when that’s the opening to the piece.

    Also the photo of the laundry bill, the skytrain descent, beergarden, Khao San Rd and the lady with the umbrella because they do nothing to explain what Onnutter is describing.

    I think those 6 pics actually detract from Onnutter’s punchy style of writing.

    zeppelin, Ato & kdogs: at least figure out that tongue-in-cheek commentary is a brilliant form of comedy. Onnutter is an artist with a keyboard.

    I went into the Mango last night but didn’t see Onnutter, BBB or anyone else I knew who wasn’t on the payroll, so I left. I keep trying to buy beer for these guys but they just don’t seem to want it.

  41. “at least figure out that tongue-in-cheek commentary is a brilliant form of comedy”

    It takes an intellect greater than that of the average “if you don’t like it go home” xenophobe/thought police to appreciate such things.

  42. I thought it was funny as hell. Anyone who’s been in Bangkok for more than a few days has experienced at least one of the above.

    The Brolly Brigade gave me a laugh as it reminded me of my last encounter and reaction from the Thai lass as I “blocked” her umbrella from smacking me in the head (something anyone over 6′ can appreciate). The look on her face was priceless.

    I hate that dog…stupid thing hardly every moves and is often in the middle of foot traffic. I’m scheming on how to make sure the mangy mut ends up on some street vendor’s menu as the daily special. Any takers?

  43. WW: I knew I would win you round in the end! You are spot on about the laundry items, but my approach to the ’10 things’ series has always been observational as well as humorous. Nothing has changed.
    Sorry I missed you last night. I was showing three newly arrived English pals the stunning Rainbow 1 line-up and the naked show at Carousel. Now those are two things I really LOVE about Bangkok.

  44. Onnutter: Well, then, gee whiz… thanks for not calling and inviting me along on your go-go tour. I spent the night reading a dull novel at home because none of my “friends” invited me out with them. πŸ˜‰

  45. ‘After paying about 200 baht a month to get everything washed and ironed out in the wilds …’.

    I too reside ‘out in the wilds’, but pay a lot more than 200 baht a month for washing. How can you have paid so little???

  46. i have to add to the list…small vaginas!

    i know they stretch, but shit, i don’t have all night to wait for the chick to elongate to accommodate my very average western-lengthed penis.

    tight is good. but hearing the lady make painful sounds every time i thrust, and actually feeling a bit of pain myself from hitting her cervix or something, kind of throws me off my game a bit…

    -myrth

  47. BIB: A one-woman operation would do it for 30 baht a kilo (I have had it done for 20 baht a kilo outside Bangkok). There was also a laundry that collected your stuff and had a standard rate of 12 baht per item. Trousers and shirts came back immaculate on hangers. I think they had been dry-cleaned for that price.
    Myrth: I know where you are coming from but they are still better than the bucket-sized farangette variety.
    All: I bumped into the Nana Pig Dog in the Golden Bar last night. He was in a really good mood and getting stroked by everyone. I think he was revelling in the fame of having his picture on this site.

  48. @OnNuts: He was in a good mood because he is suing us:

    COMPLAINT FOR DECLARATORY JUDGMENT OF NON-INFRINGEMENT

    For its complaint, Plaintiff Nokapopawan Thaksin (“PigDog”), by and through its attorneys Babba & Roger Poopiedogawan, LLP, avers as follows:

    THE PARTIES

    1. PigDog
    2. OnNutter

    VENUE AND JURISDICTION

    Soi 4 Court located behind the somtam cart across from Nana Plaza

    GENERAL ALLEGATIONS

    PigDog contends that he has been defamed by OnNutter in a negative list about things OnNutter hates about Bangkok. Subsequent comments to the piece also paint PigDog as a moody bitch.

    CLAIMS FOR RELIEF

    Two hundred Liver-On-A-Stick’s

    We will be consulting with the SoiLawyer and trying to settle out of court. Damn PigDog!!!

  49. Don’t sweat the lawsuit.
    FYI: PigDog is all bark and no bite… He will settle for a ball lickin’… The trick is who is going to do the lickin’?

  50. pmmp: I was just thinking that it would be great to have Pig Dog along to the next Mango party as a guest of honour. His patch seems to end at the Dynasty so it might be a problem getting him there. Carrying him isn’t an option, nor is a collar and lead (no collar exists in his neck size). I might try laying a trail of blood and offal with some uncooked liver sticks.
    A party with free liver all night might also persuade him to drop the lawsuit.

  51. Keep those lists coming, damn hilarious, I know most people are promising to buy you a beer but I can’t as I spend all my spare cash on lady drinks that I never ordered!

    Another sighting of a Pig Dog is on Soi Convent (Sala Dang), I have only ever seen him walk once but his poor knees were buckling under the weight.
    And as it gets hotter I’m going to start practicing my zombie walk, when in Rome…

  52. “Thais don’t like to walk – that’s why there are so many motorbike taxis – and when they do reluctantly break into a stride, they have only two speeds: slow and dead slow… This national reluctance to move at an acceptable pace is never more frustrating than when one is attempting to leave a Skytrain station…”

    Great post. The ‘Zombie Walk’ is the thing that gets me the most about Thais. It’s not just the slowness. That would be fine if they had awareness, consideration and thought for other pedestrians who may actually have things to do in their life and so want to move faster. But they don’t. So you can never get past.

    The other habit that annoys the hell out of me is also seen in skytrain stations. Escalator etiquette. Thais have no escalator etiquette. You’ll never see a Thai walking up or down an escalator, of course, but they could at least avoid standing side by side, blocking this option for those who do. Again, they have no concept that other people might want to go faster, not want to lose time in their short lives, etc.

    Worst escalator situation, as you’ll probably know, On Nutter, is Carrefour On Nut. There’s only a travellator down, it’s long, it’s agonisingly slow and Thais will never leave a line you can walk down.

  53. Healthy food.

    Thais don’t seem to have any concept of healthy food (probably because it isn’t ‘fun’), which makes it difficult or expensive to get here. The whole thing about using quality oils for cooking hasn’t got to them. They’ll use crap and they’ll use lots of it. Sugar? Use it in everything. Sugar? Salt? Chuck it in…

    I like my alcohol (good carbs) but I prefer diet mixers to avoid the sugar. What diet versions of drinks can you get in Thailand? Just Coke Zero and Pepsi Max. (Well.. and soda – but that’s always ‘diet’.) There was Sprite Zero for a while but it disappeared quickly (presumably because Thais don’t like drinks without sugar). No diet tonic, 7-up, anything much else.

    Wholemeal bread options? The best you’ll commonly see is a mix that’s only 30% wholewheat flour. Wholegrain rice? Never see that option on a menu… Thais just don’t like anything that is strange and not immediately tasty. Unlike a westerner, they won’t see the other benefits of eating something good for you.

  54. bibblies: You are right about the Carrefour travelator, which is the ultimate in frustration. I fear that one day I will lose the plot there, produce an automatic weapon and conduct a Columbine-style massacre of all the blockers.

  55. Reading this again,

    THE BEER GARDEN…

    I thought of another hate:

    Beer girls who wear shorts under their sexy short skirts.

    It’s great to see a girl in a skin-tight, short dress, selling you Singha, Leo, whatever. And I love that Thai women, unlike most farangs, will tend to wear such skirts. But the entire effect is completely spoiled when you catch a glimpse of … SHORTS underneath. No, no, NO!

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