‘Till Death do us part”… (or until we get bored) was looking like a something said in vein when my big Brother called up and said that he and his wife were splitting. When I mentioned the ‘death till you part’ bit that I heard him proudly say (for the second time) in that little chapel of love 5 years previously, the phone went silent whilst my Bro weighed up the options of burying her in the garden. With good behaviour and parole, he could be out long before the divorce and maintenance payments were finalized….
With most failed relationships, there is a period of time where in that period, you are tempted and maybe even convince yourself that you are doing the wrong thing, and that you should try again. Several things can end this ‘period’. Finding a Nigerian man moving in with her would be one. There are many scenarios to be chosen, but until one ‘moves on’, then you are still very much attached.
Just a little about my Brother.. He is 36 and lives in Farangland.co.uk. His wife was a pretty little thing 10 years younger. We were all worried at 1st about the age difference and the obvious gap between their knowledge and general life experiences. However, if she is patient, then I am sure my Brother wouldn’t feel too out of his depth.
Back to the telecon… My Brother was feeling all emotional, sensitive and dare I say it, a tad guilty. These are not words in DW vocabulary, but I hear they are pretty high up the important word list like.. ‘buttplug’ and ‘stock market’. Anyway, I suggested maybe that he should come to Bangkok for a little holiday to forget all his worries. I bought him a Business Class seat so that he wasn’t sat near any Singha vest wearing scumbags. After all, I didn’t want to give him the wrong impression now did I?
Arrival into Bangkok at 6am saw the streets not filled with much action. The usual lower Suk night crawlers were out in droves.. It was slim pickings as we drove down soi 4. It wasn’t the 1st image that I was hoping to give my Brother.
Day 1 in the Little Brother Household…..
Bags un-packed and a few JD’s slung down our necks saw us take a little walk to the currency exchange on soi 4 to change a pile of cash into sex tokens. My Bro stood on the sidewalk to suck on one of his 20 sticks of fresh air. After the ciggy was done, he did as most do, and put it out under his shoe on the ground. Doh.. 1st expense of the week Police FINE!!! Little police man was watching and marched him off to the kiosk to dish out a fine. They wanted 2,000. There was nothing I could do. I offered the two cops a new crisp 500 note each and waved the paperwork.. They shook our hands like they were our long lost Brothers and we were on our way.
A few drinks at the Mango and my Bro was ready for his 1st Massage. Being the lazy git that I am, I asked a girl who was in the bar to take my Bro to a parlour and tell them to give him the full ‘works’ and ensure a ‘happy ending’.
Off they went….. Bro returned 2.5 hours later most distraught. Something was lost in the translation, as a MASSAGE was all he got. They even made him wear pyjamas! Never heard of that one before? Laugh? I nearly wet myself.
I think I was more frustrated than him. I’d brought him here and so far he’s been in town for 10 hours and seen no action at all.
Still, never fear, there are always girls in reach. By this time, there were girls turning up at the Big Mango Bar….. Bro soon fell in love with one of them…. The ‘chatting-up’ began. After an hour of painfully watching him ‘chat her up’, I called her over and told her to just GRAB him and take him for a good time.
– She did…. Hats off to her. She took command and relieved him of his frustrations. For 3 hours… Job done. He never saw the money transactions, so I am thinking this is why he chose to believe all that had just happed was 100% emotional, affectionate and genuine.
Should I burst his bubble and tell him? Of course I fucking should.
Day 1 over…….. Jet lag catching up, off to bed he went. Feeling that I deserved a little pat on the back.. I called in a street crawler…
Day 2 in the Little Brother household…..
After a good sleep to recharge ones batteries, we got up and had breakfast around 6pm. Then it was off to Soi Cowboy. ssB, pmmp, BBB and the DW in tow..
First stop was Afterskool. We sat opposite the naughty boys corner (which was occupied) and waited to see if he noticed what was going on. After pondering over what looked like a girl in the corner pumping up a big Kraut with a bicycle pump, he realised what was going on. The Kraut wasn’t too happy with us as an audience and left after a few minutes. Or maybe he was happy with us all watching?
Anyway, one of the Afterskool urchins was already sitting on Bro’s lap rubbing his bits. The crew and I just sat and watched the newbie wonder what kind of fucking place we’d brought him to.
Don’t know who is was, but one of us told the girl to take him into the corner and do her stuff. Bro asked what was going on, to which we responded..”There is a party in her mouth, and you are coming”….. He hesitated for at least 3 seconds before getting comfy on the seat which was still warm from sweaty German arse.
Now, being good friends that we are, we thought it’d be a good idea to not just pull faces or hold up a stop watch and call times… not even BBB buying a round could put Bro off… So, we decided (with the assistance of the loitering AS girls) to shout out his wife’s name. That did the trick. He gave up… and left with nuts the size of water melons.
We traipsed a few non-descript go-gos.. All of which had his eyes wide open and pinching himself. We wondered into Suzi Wongs and took a front stage seat. Pmmp and I spied a basket of 20bht Ping-Pong balls, so a 1000 note was handed over, and a basket of balls were ours. They were then handed to Bro without any explanation. All the Vultures on stage were all jockeying for position. Bro looked like a rabbit caught in a cars headlights…. ssB took pity on him and told him what to do.. ?Throw them at the girls”… which he did… one by one. It was painful to watch… I think we all grabbed a few and slung them in the air. ssB launched the basket in the air which prompted the girls to use all their Jedi skills to retrieve in nano seconds. BBB managed to grab 3 balls which he tried to cash in.
Another little stroll…… pmmp had to go back to work…. ssB had to go home and write another interesting article on politics and BBB had a drinks round to avoid. At this point, another Mango chum ‘ WCD’ (War Correspondent Dave) had joined us and we headed to another gogo. It was fast approaching 2am so we wanted to be quick.. WCD had a girl sitting on his face, whilst I negotiated Bro’s latest g.friend. I asked her to take control…. Take him to a ST hotel and bring him back to the top of S.C where we would be waiting for him. A pile of cash was handed over and barfine was paid – just as all the lights came on and we were all hoofed out.
At the top of Soi Cowboy, WCD and I sat at an outside bar with some old dorris who had a face like a chewed toffee whilst wondering if we’d ever see Bro again. He was duly returned within 30 mins more or less in the same condition he left us in, Deed done.
It was 2:45…. Off to Soi 11 Spice club….Bottle of Jack ordered, Bro was amazed at how ‘friendly’ all the girls in the club were. WCD wasted no time in hooking up with a girl. Off he went into the night with girl on his arm. She was impressed by is tales of being on the front line in Iraq. I’m sure she’d not have been that impressed if she knew that in reality, he works on the front desk in Ikea.
Nearing the bottom of the JD, our defences were down and were looking vulnerable. The flesh crawlers that were around us could smell my Bro’s fear and moved in for the kill. It’s as if they could sense he was new in town. Must have been his golf ball size eyes?.. One girl came up to me and said that I look ‘familiar’ and was sure that we had been together before. I was unsure. We spent the next few minutes debating if we’d bumped uglies, much to the amazement of my Bro. How is it you can go with someone and not remember?.. Unlike the real world, where you know all the girls, all the names and all the positions of each conquest. Well, this aint the real world is it?
5am. Lights on, nothing much happening at Spice…. We were pissed and hungry… Bro was drained and drunk. I had to get him out of there as he seemed to have enrolled in some kind of snogathon on the dance floor (disgusting) with a bunch of CW’s. (Crack Whores)
Quick dive into the 24hr Diner along soi 11 with my old sparring partner (apparently) to watch the goings on. My girl then ‘claimed’ that she knew me from a party at Omni Tower – Doh.. busted. I used to stay there. Although, I think she may have confused me with ChelseaBlue’ as we do look similar.
Fed and watered…. Off to the pit.
Day 3 in the Little Brother Household…..
Wake up at 6pm. Decide to head to the Duke for a bit of ‘proper’ food. From the Big Mango bar, we could have taken a cab, but that would have been far too safe and convenient. Instead, I flagged down 2 ‘off their nut on yabba taxi motorcycles and told them where to take us. There is nothing like screaming down Suk between a lorry and a bus to wake you up. Arrived at the Duke without incident. Bro was impressed with the bike ride… it was like a shot of morphine.
Fed and watered in the Duke…. Food is always good there and we ate way too much. (Shameless plug) Instead of laying on the bench sofas and falling asleep like I wanted to do, I did my duty and took Bro for a stroll down Patpong…. Avoiding all the touts and tuk-tuk drivers, we headed for the Kings go-gos. Can’t remember which, ( I think all) but made sure there were plenty of LB’s available to prey on my Bro. Ignoring my Mothers plea of ?Don’t set your Brother up with one of those Ladyboy people will you”, we headed for a prime seat at the stage. Within minutes there were girls (LB’s) all over his back like a cheap suit. I concentrated on a girl and turned my back to my drowning Bro. He didn’t know what flesh belonged to what sex and whose hands were groping him… he looked a tad uncomfy. After dishing out countless 100bht notes to god knows who, just to get the hell out there, we escaped into the night. Bro was unsure of what went on, and unsure whether the chubby in his pants was given to him by a girl or boy.
– Jump into a cab and head for Nana… it was around 1am which is a good time to sit in Big Dogs and see the place close up. We had a skinful of booze and watched the girls leave with their boyfriends for the night… It was also a chance to see the colourful, gruesome sights that loiter outside the NEP entrance.
Around 2am, I conceded and ‘called-in’ some sure things…… Back to the crib…small party until 8am when the girls were hoofed out… Sleep…..
Day 4 in the Little Brother household…..
Feeling a little bit tender form the previous shenanigans, we decided to go a little easy. We hung at the Big Mango bar for food and booze. Bro, again besotted by the girls who, I must admit were being VERY friendly to him. (I am sure this had nothing to do with me ringing the bell every 30 mins) Towards the end of the night Bro said that the Mango girls wanted to go out dancing with him. I tried explaining that they just wanted him to pay, but it was lost on him. I just handed him 10k, told him to pay for everything and then asked the girls to ‘take care him’. It was high time he ventured out on his own and I was getting bored of babysitting. I had my own needs to be satisfied. Armed with 10k and a map showing how to get back to the Mango bar, off he went with a lot of drunken Mango girls We were off to Pattaya early the next day, so don’t stray too far.
Day 5 in the Little Brother household…..
I got up at an ungodly hour. It was 12pm….No sign of Bro? After a few SMS’s, he was located in the PB Hotel on soi 11. His girl gave him direction on how to get to the Mango and said it was a 10 min walk. 30 mins later, he arrived looking like a drowned rat. All but 200bht spent. He had a good time though… so I’m not complaining. 2pm was the time our taxi arrived to take us to Pattaya. ssB and ‘Snakeboy’ (ex Mango Manager) arrived at 13.30. Whilst Bro was showering and getting ready for the days events, Snakeboy started sucking on a bottle of JD to get him in the mood. – animal.
ssB came up trumps and the limo was waiting for us at 2pm. I say ‘Limo’.. but in reality it was 1 1989 Volvo 740. It’d covered more miles that the Star ship enterprise, but was big enough for 3 in the back. 2 of us were snorting all the way there leaving Snakeboy shedding his skin as he had not had a drink for over an hour whilst ssB sat up front typing into his phone. – Something about politics?
Pmmp stayed back in bkk to man the fort. He booked us a rather nice respectable room at the Penthouse Hotel. Sorry, did I say ‘nice’? I meant seedy as hell den of iniquity. We had a twin room fitted out with all seedy shit that you can imagine. Snakeboy thought it was classy
We bailed out of the taxi a couple blocks from the hotel, as our driver was arguing with an greaseball Italian that rode his bike into the back of a Volvo. It was an easy mistake to make. The Volvo being stationary and just a little bit smaller than an aircraft carrier was not easy to see… His bike was fucked as he tried to scarper, which was much to the disappointment of ssB who was ready to be renamed SideSWIPEbob and he was itching to ‘drop’ the greasy piece of shit. Moving on…
Bags dumped off and a feeding out of the way, we headed to soi 6. Whenever in Pattaya, we always have a little routine of getting an early pop out of the way so that we what ever happens later that night, we have still managed to do our stuff…. So a little walk down soi 6 was called for…. I spied my previous hottie (link pmmps b’day) and headed inside. Not really interested in chaps situation, I promptly headed upstairs to be sorted out…
Me done, I came back downstairs to find only the bill for everyone’s drinks. (basts)…. I paid up and followed the directions on my mobile, sent by ssB. Inside some other grotty bar, was ssB. He was text messaging his g.f or writing something about politics. Snakeboy and Bro were upstairs being bad boys. Now.. I don’t know what went on before I got there, and I don’t know what kind of ‘bonding’ went on with Snake boy and Bro in the back of the Volvo, but they BOTH emerged at the same time… bit suspicious if you ask me….
Three of us had ‘popped’… ssB being the good little boy that he is, just sat back and text love messages to his girlfriend whilst shaking his head at us.
Various gogo’s were visited…. It’s all a bit blurry it I am honest… Can’t remember which one we ended up in, but we (I) ended up barfining the whole line-up that was currently on the stage in front of us. They seemed up for a laugh and wanting some fun.. so what the hell….
The time was around 1am.. so we headed back to the Penthouse…. Trying to get us all past the door wasn’t easy… lots of numbers were quoted and arguing back and forth… eventually I ended up having to hire another suite which gave us a larger ‘allowance’ of guests… Into the party suite, the girls (well some of them) got in the swing of things and started stripping off. The porn channel went tits-up so I went to reception to get some DVDs…armed with (bad) porn; I headed back to the room. On my return, I found Snakeboy had hijacked my Jacuzzi that I had filled and was making like a wave machine with one of the girls that I had bar-fined… the little snake…..
Music blaring, girls started going into a slumber…. My Bro was on the floor with two girls who were smoking something… I was left to wash the jellyfish down the plug in the Jacuzzi which Snakeboy had left prior to going to the adjoining room to get my monies worth of his new wife.
My girl started getting a little feisty and was far from the ‘up for it’ girl I had barfined. I was trying to bring her into life (tickling her) when she stuck her thumb in my eyeball!!
Operating a zero tolerance policy, (created by pmmp) I left the room and joined ssB in the extra room I had downstairs. Eating a Chicken Pie at 4am whilst they partied upstairs was not what I had planned. My Bro was taken care of by the two girls who were stoned. Not sure of the exact events, but someone used a whole tube of lube from the basket supplied in the room. – They also are 3 tubes of Pringles. The greedy bastards.
It took about 20 mins to check-out as they totted up all the mini-bar action. The total for the rooms was 16k… I think I spent 18k on the girls and fuck knows on booze. Still, I had my soi 6 spinner, so the 34+k was worth it?!!
On the taxi ride home, we snored all the way… apart from ssB, who was glued to the keypad on his phone.
Hitting Soi 4 around 2pm, we headed for some much needed rest. My Brother had been up all night partying with girls. I was rather refreshed having spent the night sleeping in a room with ssB. (Separate beds) Still, not wanting to be around in the sunlight hours, I retreated back to my cave.
Day 6 in the Little Brother household….
Bro surfaced around 6pm.. We headed downstairs, and were greeted as were everyday at the same time with ?Good Mooooooooorning” in unison from all the Mango girls! Bless them. Quick feeding then it’s off for our final trek around Bangkok. (Bangkok = Soi 4). We head into Nana and stop by Mandarin. The place was pretty dead and the girls were busy creating a cauldron of cheap vodka and other liquids, ready to get them in the mood. The Mamasan frog marched 2 girls over to us, but I waved them on. They were not the prettiest, and we were on a tight schedule. My Bro was in no fit state to spread his DNA just yet. We had a drink in most of the go-go’s which were pretty lame. We nearly went into Anglebitch but the thought of bumping into ‘Dick the Prick’ or whatever his name is, was enough to send spending cash elsewhere. Joined by ssB and ‘Notting Hill Simon’ (NHS) we headed to Cascade. (ssB idea)
It was the 1st time I’d been to Cascade (and the last. No matter how many times YP begs me to join him). There was a guy that we are convinced was screwing a pretty young man in one of the upper tiers… NHS and I carefully positioned ourselves between Bro and ssB. Not that we were scared. Bro was trying to fend off the copious ladyboy hands that were groping him, ssB was swapping hair tips with girls/boys whilst NHS and I discussed ssB’s views on politics. Anything else than make eye contact with the vampires that stood before us. We check-binned the fuck out of there sharpish.
The cab taking Bro to the airport was booked at midnight. We had 1 hour left… hmm…. ‘Lolitas’ it is!!
Slumped at the bar, Bro insisted he was a broken man. He had nothing left to give. Done. Spent. Ruined. Game over.
?Oh no you don’t… meet ‘Dream”…. And she is just that. Upstairs they went for my Bro’s last deposit of the week. NHS was next. Although took some persuading… ssB.. ?this’ll be the best BJ you’ve ever had… only superseded by the next one you have here”. If you don’t agree afterward, I’ll pay”.. And off he went…..
After 3 mins NHS returned… grinning like the Joker in full agreement with ssB. Not sure who was happier, NHS as he’d just had the best BJ ever, or ssB as he didn’t have to pay the 700bht?
Still waiting on Bro, NHS said that he could hear what was going on in the next cubicle (which was probably why he was so quick?) and said the noises reminded him of a bulldog eating custard? Anyway, a few mins later, Bro returned making full use of the handrails down the stairs. My older Brother now resembled a newly born giraffe with jelly legs.
Back to the Mango to collect bags and say his farewells. Pmmp, BBB, NHS, ssB were all there making sure he got the fuck out of Dodge.
A farewell drink, a wave goodbye to the Mango girls who had been very kind to him all week and off he went. I took him to the Airport as I had a feeling he might ‘accidentally’ miss his flight. Dropped off, I told the cab to take me back to Bangkok (soi 4).
And that was the last I saw of him….. These SMS’s followed….
Bro: Cheers for this week. Now in the Business lounge eating all the sandwiches… The toilets here are good and I need to wash the lipstick off my cock.
DW: Glad you had a good time… I am now off to Spicy with pmmp and NHS
Bro: If I set fire to a little Chinese man, do you think they’ll kick me out of the airport so I have to stay with you a while longer…
DW:.. no, they’ll upgrade you to 1st class…… now in Boss Club…….
Bro: Plane was delayed for a few hours. Now on board getting ready for take-off. Just having pre-takeoff drinks whilst the peasants fill up the back of the plane.
DW: Enjoy the sleep…. Now in Lucky Pub……
10 hours later….
Bro: Now in Amsterdam. Slept the whole journey. Thanks again.
DW:… just got rid of last nights ‘crack whore’.. off to bed. See-ya.
That was two weeks ago. Bro has now returned to the UK and according to the parents, is now in peace-talks with his wife. – She has no idea where he’s been for that week. It’ll end in tears…. His. – and I’ll get the blame.
Then, at 3am this morning, as I slept peacefully, I got a new SMS…….
“Bruv…. I’ve got gut pains, sore bollocks and it stings when I piss – and I’ve just shagged the wife”.