Some memories haunt me. One such memory is sitting in a dark Bangkok bar watching a ladyboy helicoptering her schlong on stage while making light saber noises.
“Jesus.” whispered Imprint in a hunted voice “Did you know these birds were blokes?”
We were perched in the middle row at Obsession in Nana Plaza studiously avoiding eye contact with the array of war painted amazon warriors tottering around in stripper heels. Owen, the drunk Welshman we’d somehow adopted on the way from the burger stand to the back of the plaza, had his face buried in the ample bosom of a hulking katoey. He was making sounds like a pig digging for truffles.
“Do you reckon he knows?”
“No.” I replied
Owen grinned at us drunkenly. The beast he was slobbering on stood up and slowly peeled back the cheeks of it’s ass in a fashion not unlike a diver opening a giant clam.
Imprint’s eyes were screaming. Check bin!
Stumbling outside through the wall of groping hands we crashed headlong into the
plaza. Pig Dog cast us a knowing look and snorted with disgust.
“He no lie you” offered a dark spinner with a fluorescent, thousand watt smile.
Time to hit Cowboy…
There are many things in this world that are impossible. Licking your own elbow, for example, or making rope out of sand. In fact, legends of old speak of the impossible deeds undertaken by heroes to prove their worthiness to the pantheon of Olympian gods. None of these utterly impossible tasks are nearly as impossible as getting a Bangkok cab driver to take you where you actually want to go.
“Where you go boss?” snapped Bob, our driver
“Soi Cowboy, please.” I said “Use the meter.”
Bob slammed the car into gear and shot off down Soi Nana. Beggars, soi dogs and ropey freelancers ran screaming for their lives as we turned in completely the wrong direction and accelerated to warp speed on Sukhumvit Road. After a few tense minutes we slid to a halt in a dark street that looked suspiciously nothing like Soi Cowboy.
“You want lady?” inquired Bob through a grin like a smashed piano.
Cheeky old cunt.
“Soi Cowboy.” Repeated Imprint soberly “Use the meter.”
The cab lurched to the left and rocketed down a side street. In the distance Lumpini stadium rose over the horizon like an enormous middle finger. Bob was taking us for a ride.
Forty minutes later we pulled up outside Old Dutch on Soi 23. Owen had been sitting in the front seat playing songs on his ipod and offering loud karaoke renditions to our (now) distraught driver the whole way.
“No meter” cackled Bob, in a move straight out of the Big Book of Dead Crafty Thai Cab Driver Tricks “You pay me tree hundra an pipty baht”
“Fifty baht” slurred Owen thickly from the front seat
“Two hundra baht” Fired back Bob.
We left them to figure it out and wandered off down Cowboy towards the glittering lights of Shark.
Imprint and I parked ourselves in the booth across from the end of the stage and ordered a couple of beers. Owen sauntered in a few moments later and splayed out across the booth next to ours like a dominant male walrus proudly claiming his strip of beach. He had a black eye.
“Paid the bastard 50 baht” he chortled and ordered four buckets of ping pong balls. The gaggle of white shirted serving girls milling around in front of him squeeled with delight and ran off to retrieve his purchase.
Three cuties wandered over, waied sweetly and plopped themselves down on our laps. Drinks were ordered. The unpleasant memory of earning Pig Dog’s chagrin was beginning to fade. Things were improving. In fact, everything was fantastic until a gigantic, heaving sack of a man flopped down next to us.
“Jah Halo where har yew from?” it wobbled while scrubbing at it’s brow with a
“What… the… fuck?” stammered Imprint as he picked his jaw up off the floor.
“Jah my narme iz Klaus and I arm from deutschland… do joo like ze thaigurlz?”
Owen laughed and poured a bucket of ping pong balls over his own head with the sort of defiant, hedonisic abandon reserved only for the very drunk.
The German sex tourist planted his hand on the ass of the girl sitting on my lap and gave it a generous squeeze. She turned around, winked at me and continued to bop away.
“Steady on mate” I said.
“Jah budee I don’t see joor name on her!!!” replied Klaus and gave her buttock another grope.
The girl turned around and noticed that the paw crushing her ass cheek was attached to the end of Klaus’ meaty arm. For a moment she looked confused – then she started to scream.
Moving right along to After Skool…
My buddy Vinnie had found us on Cowboy and was now part of our inebriated entourage. Since we’d been naughty boys, we figured it was only fitting that we stop in for a bit of discipline before calling it a night.
Stumbling into After Skool we were immediately accosted by a mob of tiny brown women wearing even tinier school uniforms.
“You sit” exclaimed Noi as she shoved me onto a bar stool. Noi looked like she might have had one too many tequila cokes.
Vinnie was already being hauled off to the naughty boy’s corner by a pair of Isaan princesses. Imprint and Owen were bailed up near the bar fending off the fevered advances of the rest of the girls in the bar.
Noi started grinding her pussy on my leg and licking the side of my face with about as much sex appeal as an excited labrador.
“You buy dlink me.” She slurred determinedly
“Erm…. no, I think you’ve had enough already”
Noi leveled her eyes at me and started humping my leg with increased gusto.
“You buy dlink me.” She mumbled.
“No” I replied.
The mama-san screamed something in Thai and hurled a tea towel at Noi.
Noticing the opening, Owen and Imprint made a break for the door. I looked back just in time to see Vinnie being engulfed by a horde of bar girls and decided to join the retreat.
“Fuck!” yelled Owen, looking like a ruffled chicken in the neon twilight of Soi Cowboy “That place is awesome… who wants a kebab?”
Sukhumvit Soi 5
Imprint and I sat in stunned silence as Owen finished wolfing down his fourth chicken kebab and took a slug from a long neck of Beer Chang.
“What a fucking night” He belched
“Yeah, it was alright” replied Imprint
“Don’t think you’ll need any extra sauce on your kebab though, mate” Owen said and winked at me
He pointed at the leg of my pants and laughed.
I finally realised why the mama-san had been throwing things at Noi.