Oh! That’s where it is! by Monkey Kreme

I can’t say that Pattaya ranks high on my list of places to spend time here in Thailand.  Normally when one of my mates suggests getting out of the ‘Kok for a weekend in Pattaya the resulting look on my face is enough of an indicator that I’m not bothered again.  Maybe it was the booze that we had already consumed that loosened my inhibitions (earlier in the day I had been helping a buddy re-arrange his shophouse office and we had installed a shot dispenser on the wall above the main desk and promptly inserted a bottle of vodka…seemed like a great idea at the time).  Maybe it was because it was Mother’s Day Eve and we could feel the energy of hordes of whores building on the distant horizon.  Or maybe it was because we were half-way there already, and suffering a 30 minute jaunt down the motorway didn’t seem enough of a reason not to go.  Whatever the case, ingredients were mixed in the pot and a foul brew was stewing.  We clambered into my buddy’s ride and shot off at a speed that not only made me fear for my life but also caused every other motorist to veer to the shoulder, thus making it even easier to reach our destination.

“Yo Ford, don’t forget where we parked!” I barked drunkenly.

“Just worry about yourself.”  No truer words were ever spoken.

First stop was the bar downstairs from Insomnia.  It was already close to 2 AM and the place was almost standing room only.  Me and my buddies, Ford and Simon Templar, started getting into it without pause.  The music was half-way decent house and we got to dancing next to a table of girls immediately.  Now it’s kind of a rule for me: if I’m not in a good mood or I’m lacking energy, just stay home.  Most of the male inhabitants of the bar had obviously never considered this as the mood was downright nasty.  To complicate matters further, once we started dancing, all the unattended, under appreciated and otherwise unengaged birds in the bar were taking notice of us.  Now normally I have no issues with drawing the ire of a cro-magnon sex-tourist just because I’m what his girl wants and he knows it, but this time it was bar wide.  At least a dozen surly Russians, football jersey wearing Poms, what have you, were starting to throw dagger like looks our way.  We just wanted to have a good time.  So we bailed.

We climbed the stairs and passed underneath the archway door (at least it appeared arch-like at the time) into Insomnia.  Even as early as it was, the place was heaving with top quality trim.  A round of drinks was ordered and we followed Ford into the middle of the mayhem, setting up shop next to one of the raised dancing daises.  Simon was the first to lock in a target.  Having sighted an extremely well proportioned lass with a full-back dragon tattoo through the legs of one of the more lithe dancers on the stage, he moved in for the kill.  Ford was off on his own in the middle of the dance floor, so I moved over to Simon’s side to get a better view of the floor and offer my wing services if needed.

Simon’s pick was hot.  Sultry hot.  So naturally, when Simon went of to the toilet I decided it was best if I covered his bases.  No ulterior motives for me.  Neh-eh.  Dragon Back, however, was quick to offer her services as wing bitch, which threw me for a loop.  As the night progressed and my dancing got better and better, she helped me to sift and winnow the wheat from the chaff.  Sometime later, I locked eyes with a crackin’ little piece of strange a few bodies away and invited her over.  Dragon Back was quick to give me the nod of approval telling me that she didn’t know the girl personally but had seen her many times before.

Toy was 20 years old with what almost appeared to be a 6 pack abdomen to compliment her rock hard apple bottom.  Smokin’ hot.  At my suggestion Toy got up onto the stage and started working the crowd.  Not bad, I thought to myself as I watched Toy’s figure undulate to the house beats.  Maybe Pattaya deserves a second chance I concluded.  With Dragon Back’s imprimatur already in hand regarding my selection, I quickly moved to close the deal.  Payment terms were discussed and approved.  Finishing our drinks we moved to the door and down the stairs.

Due to the last minute nature of our decision to head to Pattaya, lodging had not previously been secured.  No worries.  Hoping into the back of a songtaew, I remembered from the blog that ssB had recommended Ma Maison on Beach Road Soi 13.  Off we went.  This is where things started to unravel.  After being told by the receptionist that Ma Maison was booked full, we retraced a few of our steps and found a room just up the soi.  800 baht didn’t seem unreasonable cause I knew I was going to have to hit up Toy for more than just a single round.  I was thinking I could get in 3 or 4 nuts, plus a few hours of sleep in-between, before check out time.

By the time we got to the room my hands were wandering all over her body and it just so happened that she ended up standing tall above me while I bent down to undo and take off her short shorts.  Now keep in my that at this point it was about 4:30 or 5 in the morning and I had been drinking since the previous mid-afternoon.  So when I got her g-string off and came face to face with her bald taco, I couldn’t help from taking a lick.  Now normally it’s not my modus operandi to go down on a growler, but the temptation was too much.  She quickly lost the ability to keep her knees locked and fell backwards over the bed like a fallen angel.  Looking at her tight, and I mean tight, body draped over the bed, I moved in for another tasty taste.  Hells yeah, maybe Pattaya ain’t so bad after all!

I was so intent on letting her enjoy a little time in heaven that it was at least 5 minutes or so before my Jedi-like intuition was able to break through the fog of alcohol.  Deliberately probing a little deeper with my tongue, I snapped back to reality as I became aware something was amiss.  That is the strangest feeling vagina I’ve ever licked I thought to myself.

‘What is that’ I queried?

‘What is what’ she answered?

Throwing caution to the wind I stuck my fingers in and latched on to what felt like a petrified piece of pussy.  I clamped down with thumb and forefinger and unceremoniously pulled out a used jimmy cap.  Then, to make matters worse, with the dam removed, a slightly frothy but easily distinguishable blob of semen poured forth from between her lips.

‘Oh!  That’s where it is!’ she squealed.  ‘I thought it broke’ she said with obvious relief.  What the fuck?

What did I do you might wonder?  Did I kick her out?  No.  I called down and demanded that a toothbrush and tube of toothpaste be brought up posthaste.  Still reeling with shock and disorientation I did my best to think the situation through.  I brushed, rinsed, brushed again and then gargled some complimentary Listerine for added benefit.

As you might imagine she was beside herself with embarrassment.  Well, actually, maybe not.  I don’t really remember.  I inquired as to how long ago her last romp in the hay was.

‘Yesterday’ she answered demurely.  Yeah, right.

Now, not being a female I can’t claim to know how those things work, but the one time I’ve been to the doctor and suffered the ignominy of a rectal exam, I can answer with complete certainty that I’d know without a shadow of a doubt if something even as flexible as a used rubber, AKA petrified piece of pussy, was in residence in a body cavity for a whole 24 hour period.

I guzzled a can of beer out of the fridge while I weighed my options.  What the hell.  She was that hot.  Trust me.

I am fully confident that most readers will probably have taken up Toy’s offer to hit the road and try and salvage what was left of the night.  Well I am not most.

‘Take a shower.  Now.  No.  Take two.’

Laying back on the bed, I had her give me a smoothie for a spell while I performed the yoga breathing exercises I employ when trying to center myself prior to deep meditation.  Gradually the little soldier heeded the call to duty.  Strapping on a prophylactic (new, not used) I prepared to bring the thunder.  It almost worked.  I got maybe half a dozen strokes in before I capitulated to the absurdity of the situation.  I have to give myself credit for trying.  Never leave a job half-done my father taught me.  Well this job wasn’t going to get done.

I extricated myself from her embrace and headed for the shower.  Returning to the room I was somewhat perplexed by her apparent change in demeanor.

‘You give me money now and I go’

This is where I did a double take.  Now maybe I was out of line, but at that point there was only nominal support in my mind for offering her anything other than taxi money.  This I tried.  A long story short, she wasn’t having it.  The culmination of the situation was her on the phone with the front desk jabbering away in Thai that she needed the security to visit the room because she was having trouble.  She had earlier become Thai angry.  You know, the kind when you can almost visibly see the fuse short, the smile become a bit downturned, and the voice hard.

‘You not know Thai people.  You do bad thing to me.  You make me angry.  If you not give me money I make problem for you.  You farang.’

Having read enough grisly and macabre stories detailing the downfall of foreigners who happen to stray too far across the line with Pattaya’s hardened battle-axe’s, I quickly switched into negotiation mode.  It wasn’t so much the 500 baht that I diffused the situation with, but the fact that there was no way in hell I was going to stay in that room, knowing that, after further consideration, she might decide to try and rip a fat hog in the ass.  I checked the hell out of the hotel 5 minutes after she left.

Now at this juncture I had two options.  Previously having been alerted to Ford’s departure and subsequent return to HQ, I could find a taxi and retrace my steps as well.  But hell, it was only 6 AM or so and I had a fairly good idea that there would still be plenty of talent at Insomnia.  I opted for returning to the hunt.

34 thoughts on “Oh! That’s where it is! by Monkey Kreme”

  1. I’d offer my sympathies, but feel we should be grateful that this unfortunate scenario was at least experienced by someone with the ability to create and share an entertaining account of it… Good job!

  2. I was just making a sandwich while reading this. I think I will hold the mayo this time.
    Thanks for the great laugh!

  3. Ugh! That would have run Poodle close in the recent worst sexual experience in Thailand competition. A disgusting tale but brilliantly told. Great debut by Monkey Kreme.

  4. I was both disgusted and relieved it wasn’t a cock. If the latter, you’d have needed therapy, not Listerine (well both I guess).

  5. Similar situation happened to a mate of mine…the only difference was..it was his girlfriend he hadnt seen in 3 months…and the discovery of a used condom in the candy shoppe went over none to well with him.

    My condolences…

    Good read too…

  6. I’m amazed you finally committed this to paper, or webpage as it would be.

    But don’t stop there, you left out the final caveat when it comes to re-trawling Insomnia at such an un-godly hour.

    Hooked up with Dragon Back again about a month ago, as sultry and tatoo’d as she was originally, I think she must have gotten off the pipe as she put on a few pounds and the dragon now has a double chin! Didn’t stop me though.

  7. I read this while sitting in the Pattaya Beer Garden. Being so close to the “scene of the crime” somehow that made the story a little more horrific (and hilarious).
    Sorry, M.K.

  8. Guess a guy had banged her in a toilet that very evening, shot his load, took off his gun while the rubber stayed inside for some reason.
    She must have been very tight; or he was smallish dicky prick.
    It’s kind of funny that he did not bother telling her, and that she did not clean even her sanctuary with a bum-gun or somethin’.

  9. I guess the story is only a tale. Can’t believe that a Thai girl do not recognize that there is a used condom in her pussy. Thai girls are usually very clean and used to go to shower 24 times a day. Especially before and after sex.
    Maybe the girl was a post op Ladyboy. I am not sure if they feel something in their man made vagina. The fact that she /he had a sixpack abdomen might be hint, that she /he hasn’t XX chromosome.

  10. Lol, I did this once but had the decency and good breeding to retrieve said item – not as easy as it sounds! A friend also claims this happened to him in Ibiza, his graphic account gave little reason to doubt the veracity of his tale. As is the case here.

    But please complete the picture for balance: Surly Russians – check. Football Jersey wearing Poms – check. Sour-faced, chippy Aussies? Uptight Jack-ass Yanks? Asshole Israelis? Its a bum-fuck Benetton ad. (And I’m an anglophile-yankie so doubly guilty)

  11. I was expecting the leftover nub of a post-op ladyboy. I heard somewhere that lots of things are funny as long as it’s someone else. I was rolling with laughter but I expect that, had it been me, I would have blown chunks all over that bald taco.

  12. Will I remember that story the next time I’m licking pussy? Sure hope not. The last couple of days, though, it has crossed my mind several times. No more stories like that, please. I don’t need to pretend I’m the first, but certainly the first that day…

  13. I’m agree with On Nutter. I think I’d rather see the motorcycle taxi driver nailing the old guy in the can at some skanky gay porno theater live than having nightmares remembering this story…

  14. Despite your unpleasant surprise, why were you shocked that a freelancer operating out of a Pattaya disco expected to be paid for her time/services? I’m shocked that you were able to diffuse the situation with a mere 500 baht!

  15. So essentially, you licked another mans sperm. In theory you actually sucked him off too. Kinda gay when you think about it

  16. I’m with YP on this one. That was a technical BBBJ – in Thailand. You basically glory holed one of the miscreants partying in a freelancer joint in Pattaya.

  17. I don’t think this counts as a bbbj, at least it shouldn’t…or have none of you been kissed goodnight by mommy? 🙂

  18. @Rope-a-dope – Oh it counts. And on the kissed by mommy thing, I reckon it only counts if you use tongues.

  19. MK: Awesome year end post, messed up, but funny, has to move into top 5 posts of the year. Thanks for sharing so well.

    I think each of us has had those nights where it could have been us… knock on wood. Thailand is a helluva a drug!

  20. I’m glad that I was able to entertain you guys with a tale of my misfortunes.

    @Simon I’ll see what humor can be teased out of the rest of the adventure.

    @RR Thanks for the heads up

    @644 Stars and stripes myself

    @Brewster Call me old fashion

    @YP Pot calling the kettle black? 🙂

  21. If I were on ‘Who wants to be a millionaire” and was asked a question on imbibing man fluids, then YP is the person that I’d call.

    I have a good pal who had sexual relations in my bed (I was in another room) for a good 7-8 mins… After, the girl freaked out that the condom was wedged up her love box. This was after they trashed my room like a thieving scouser in search of the offending item.

    Calculating that it could only be 4″ up her twat, we got her to do a handstand in the shower room and all had a poke around.

    We found it eventually.

    Had they found one of the many used condoms that were often left scattered around my crib after a party, she’d not have known it was up there.


  22. If any lube cream gets on your shaft before you slip on rubber most if all the time the thing will slip off. Happens to me afew times and i’m large. Blow your wad and you do start to get a little soft is when it happens

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