Arose at midday, feeling like shit on a stick. Hot sweats, Columbian flu, and liver aches. Polished off 6 paracetemol with 2 litres of water, then soaked in the shower for 30minutes, which did nothing to rescue me from my world of grief
When your this hungover, and in this much pain, the only sensible solution, is to keep on drinking. Keep drinking until the pain subsides, or your liver bursts into flames.
Skulked down to Loewys, looking and smelling like I had just come back from last night. Funny that. I looked so bad (even by my standards) I was putting the decent folk off their breakfasts. Fuck them.
Made light work of 2 pints on Heineken, before I could consider solids. BB joined me and looking as shit as I felt.
I ordered Beef Goulash, which looked like baby diorreah, and Barry ordered an omelette look like someone had already eaten it for him. He said it tasted the same aswell. Minus points for the food
After an uninspiring breakfast, BB exclaimed “Its time to get a squirt in – I know a place”
I cant be arsed to go into the saga we went through, dealing with fuck-faced motosai guys and taxi drivers, who didnt know Jakarta from a guy called Jack Carter, but we got there eventually……….
Marlboro Massage & Spa. We checked in at the front, and collected one of those curly cord things you put on your wrist, with a locker key and number on them that you used to get at the swimming baths as a kid.Jumped in the lift upstairs and your presented with 2 rooms. 1 with all Indonesian girls, and the other with all the international talent.
The Indonesian room was grim, with a capital grim. Lung cancer central. You literally have to squint to see through the thick smoke, as these sisters are puffing away like theirs no tomorrow. I thought the smoke had impaired my vision, as all I could see, were short, dumpy hags that I wouldn’t bang for free. On closer inspection, it was no illusion. No score for them.
Minced into the International bit, which was much more my speed. Quick run down of the United Nations in attendance…..
Russian – Some absolute stunners in the house. I mean seriously hot. Not like the Rajah Hotel skanks. There was one whore in particular (I named her Svetlana) who pressed all my buttons. 6 foot. Blonde. Tits like rugby balls. Killer face. Arse like a boyscout. Its s shame that her, and all of her Soviet comrades, looked like they had just been orphaned. Unbelievably miserable cunts.
As po-faced as she was, I was seriously tempted to have a swing at her based on her slutty hotness, although I just knew it’d be a drab affair. Im talking a hurried nosh , no kissing and some mechanical moaning and groaning. There was zero chance of me or Svetlana getting our arseholes eaten, so I let her slide. Lucky her or lucky me? I cant decide.
Vietnamese. Maybe its something in the water out there, but fucking hell these girls have big tits. They all looked pretty keen for a shot at the champ, but then again, cant say I blame them. 1 of the things that put me off, was that they were all eating at the time. Shrimp curry breath is such a boner killer. I know what Asian girls are like about people getting between them and their food, so having a camp ‘buleh’ (Indo for foreigner) , pulling them away from their kung-pao chicken, to rim them and drip my forehead sweat in their eyes for 90 minutes, was prob not a good idea
Chinese – BB actually picked a super hot Chinese chick, with with D cups that laughed in the face of gravity. The rest of the harlots, were a very plain bunch, who from what Ive heard, are all about business. No score
Spanish/South American – The lovely Vanessa from Barcelona was my victim. 5,9″, huge busters and a killer smile. Once we got upstairs, I realised she didnt speak a lick of English. Lucky for her, Im fluent in the international language of love. Also known as whore screwing.
We skipped the shower, and got straight down business. After 20 minutes of getting my balls and arse eaten like she hadn’t had a square meal in months, I proceeded to chuck a lump up her. Twice in fact. Score. Score. Vanessa was keen for a third, but at 25 years old, I cant keep the pace I once did. Bad times. She did, teach me some Spanish. Essential day-to-day stuff. Tits, minge, dick, asshole and such. Like I said, essential stuff
I tipped Vanessa 100,000 IDR, which could be 20baht or 2,000 baht. No idea. She seemed happy. Maybe shes a convincing liar? Headed down to meet BB, and headed out in search of booze and sustinance
Eastern Promise in Kemang – This is where things started to get messy. Eastern Promise is an old skool English style ‘pub’, which serves some pretty swag Indian food. Ordered up a feast of Tikka and other garlic infused treats, and started pounding the Bintang. And the Tequilas. Then more Bintang. Then a few more tequilas. BB proved what a fucking lightweight he is, by running outside to blow chunks everywhere. By that, I mean being sick. Not blowing some fat guy called chunks
There was some Australian guy in there, who was being a real dick. I would of chinned him, if he wasnt twice my size. To his credit, he picked up our tab for all the food and booze (as he admitted he was being a cock) which BB said was around 5000 baht. The guy was still a cunt. If I was 6 inches taller **shakes fist camply**………..
Blok M – Very traumatic. This place could only be politely described as a fucking shithole. Like Soi Cowboy in Bagdhad. Wipe your feet on the way out kinda thing. Went into some place called Dee’s Bar/Dee’s Place, which is a favourite of BB’s, as it has a place out the back where you can get sucked off for a pittance. Of all of the grim looking skanks on offer, there was once older looking piece, who didnt make my stomach churn. We called her over and bought her a San Miguel. For some reason, the room where you get serviced was shut, so BB kindly lined her pocket with 400,000 IDR (which is about 13 baht I think) for her to accommodate my johnson in the lavatory. In the dim lighting of the bar, she didn’t look too horrific, although under the spotlight of the bathroom, she didn’t fare too well. Teeth that looked like someone had wiped their arse on them, and bad potmarked skin. What was worse, is that when she got on her knees to gobble me off, I could see her fucking scalp. Was like getting a shiner from Homer Simpson.
By this time, I was drunk and had the raging horn, so I flipped her over and lifted her cheap denim skirt up. How the fuck does a girl get cigarette burns all over her arse? Im ashamed to say I was wearing last nights jeans, so broke upon my Red Square condom, put it on, and set about slipping her a length. After about a minute of watching her visibly shaking (from smack withdrawals most likely) and having to stare at her thinning wig, I pretended to cum, raced out to meet BB, paid up and left. Im sure she was a raging smackhead. Whats sad……. is that she wasnt as bad as the next 2 girls………………
To be continued…………..