Portrait of a Monger as a Young Man by Barfine Warrior

* For autistic purposes I have written this pile of crap in the third person and not to disassociate myself from my cuntish behaviour. I wrote about a recent day in P Town and not Bkk just because, like, you know like, whatever.

Once upon a time and a very good time it was there was a Thai girl coming down the road and this Thai girl that was coming down along the road met a nice little boy named Barfine Warrior…. She spoke to him with impeccable English and was genuinely inspiring as he lost himself in her striking, brown eyes. Her words were so tender and discerning and he realised he had a tremendous erection. He raised his cannon and bang on the kisser nailed her with a massive splurge of water. She recoiled and covered her face with her arms spluttering and shouting at him as he scampered up the road laughing like a wanker. All is fair in love and war, and never more so than in Thailand.

About this time, he decided that it would be best to leave the water cannon back at the apartment after a few cheeky soakages. Due in part to the fact that Pattaya can be a dangerous fucking place but more so because he recalled that there were approximately 8 Russians, 2 poodles, 4 English lads and 47 Indians who wanted him dead after they pleaded with him repeatedly not to soak them during that excellent celebration not long ago. After dispensing with it, an enthusiastic BF hit Soi 6 for the first time (since his last trip) and had his bollocks emptied by a pretty young thing that resided in that there locality. He exited the bar about an hour later clearly satisfied but still some troglodyte crept over to him from across the street and smiled inanely offering her services. She looked like a bulldog sucking a fart through a smelly sock. With AIDS. So he asked her how much she cost, had a beer and nailed her too when he felt his cock was working again.

He headed back to his hotel near Soi 7 where he met up with his friends Lyle Watson and Walking Talking Stephen Hawking. He had some chicken and rice while the other two ordered western food. After many hours of hilarious drinking shenanigans down various grotty soi‘s, he grew tired and headed back towards the hotel. He texted his mates telling them he would meet them on Walking Street later on. He then strolled nonchalantly off to a nearby massage parlour for a vigorous wank. He had a short massage and then asked her to pull the cock off him. The masseuse was pretty hot and smiled broadly when he ejaculated clearly relishing his spermatozoon all over her hands. Always a nice delusion.

After returning to the hotel he watched the Pattaya People channel and gave himself a little manual relief to make sure it was still working but didn’t come as that would just be waste. He left the room and made it to Walking Street on time to see all the ladyboys stampeding almost in formation off the street and down a laneway which was something he hadn’t witnessed before. He asked one who was straggling what was happening. A cop was coming apparently. Well, “Big Louise” pegged it down the same alley out of sight so BF continued on his quest. He met up with his mates and they went to a few random shitter gogo bars getting cheap ass beers before going to “Whats up.” They sat about there for an while drinking whisky cokes laughing and generally behaving like cunts. A girl sat beside him asked him his name and he paused for a moment thinking of a new nom de guerre. Optimus prime, it is, he said to her as he threw her a lady drink and started to maul her clit. She asked him the usual questions to uncover his social status which amused him but like any dedicated monger he knew her apparent “interest” in him was bollocks and he kept it all sufficiently vague. She was actually quite nice with big eyes and tits but clearly had the IQ of a cornflake (not that that is really an issue..) He thought that he would barfine her only that LS had announced that he was going off somewhere as he read a text to himself. They left that gogo and went further up Walking Street. LS went off on his own up the street and into 7/11 to get himself some tampons or whatever while BF and WTSH skipped off down to Baccara. The place was packed and full of champion old boys grabbing girls’ snatches and whatnot. They planted themselves beside the stage near the back. WTSH started molesting some young one. BF just sat there entranced watching the licentious show and laughing idiotically with some crazy Japanese guy. When WTSH signalled success the bespectacled cunt went off with his girl so BF finished his drink and left shortly after that to check out another bar. He entered some atrocious kip near Baccara, full of disgusting knackery birds. They were playing Dokken’s cheerfully raucous “Its not Love” on the stereo which got him somewhat excited but then followed it up absurdly with Eric Johnson’s uncheerful “Manhattan,” so he totally lost his mega boner and quickly made an exit.

After he had exited the bar, some girl with a big head smiled at him and started talking to him on the street. She had a hot friend with her (who looked like a class bird he’d banged from tagged) but the friend didn’t speak or even look his way. He talked shite to Mountain Head for a few moments before saying something to the friend but she didn’t respond. He repeated himself but she continued to look pensively up the street. Then her friend explained …. “She deaf!” “Holy shit“, he muttered to himself. He asked Juggernaut Face can her friend read lips but by now she was paying attention and replied in a slightly spastic manner that she could understand him. He promised her the world and after ten minutes was walking arm in arm with her up the street to head home.

As he banged her he realised how simultaneously distracting and hilarious it all was. The noises she was making were priceless: a strange cacophony of guttural sounds and whines that would scare a sabre toothed tiger. He also shouted obscenities and spoke sweet dirty nothings in her ears etc but that goes without saying. As he lay back in bed post coital he imagined that she may even have ‘signed’ dirty to him as well but he couldn’t be sure. He checked the time. Fuck! Not much time left. He sprang out of bed and threw his clothes on all the time telling her to get up and get out. She didn’t budge. He rocked her gently and she awoke startled and a little perplexed. He explained in Retard that he had to catch a plane? which was an absolutely pathetic excuse but she got dressed quickly all the same. He paid her handsomely (700bht) and fucked off down Soi 7 to the end so he could get a Songtaew to Soi 15 again.

He went down Walking Street in full awareness that his balls were drained but knowing that at least if he had a girl he could give her a good root in the morning. He went into Roxy’s and had a whisky and twiddled with his mick in his pocket to get it alive again. The general vacancy was relieved by the slow but distinctly cum-in-mouth/nostril/hair/eyeball demeanour of the trio of heroines on stage. A fit girl dancing on stage caught his eye and he invited her over for a drink and the usual chitchat. She was hot not smoking hot but he got the feeling she wouldn’t mind him fucking her mouth. He waltzed her romantically up Walking Street after barfining her and got a Songtaew to the hotel. After banging her lamely for a quarter of an hour, he realised from a certain angle in the half light that she looked a lot like Jessica Alba. He came with vigour moments later screaming like a wildebeest. He fell off her onto his back, his cock in an absolute state but knowing it will stand him now and ever in good stead.

The End

“the finest prose I have read in a long time.” – Jeffy, The Down Syndrome Times

“Excellent. Compelling, engaging and rich with a strong moral central character.” – Mary Whitehouse, author of “Rape – for Dummies”.

“Fine writing indeed. I’d like to get a large pair of Nora’s bloomers and stuff them right up my nostrils, I tell you, to be sure, to be sure!” – James Joyce, dead cunt.

10 thoughts on “Portrait of a Monger as a Young Man by Barfine Warrior”

  1. “a towering literary achievement by a burgeoning master of the genre” – ubernature, The Uber Evolved, editor of The Modern Writing Cognoscentus

  2. Has anyone else pulled a deaf girl in Pattaya? I was with a friend once who did. He was telling me, She was trying to desribe to him to pull her hair from behind and hit it from behind while making these deaf girl grunts, fucking hilarious…. I laugh everytime I remember that shit.

  3. Listen, you don’t “pull” whores!! Fuck all, don’t mince words you mongrel-monger. Rather, you Jimmy Crack Corn their asses and call it a relatively short night. However, I take it all back, especially if you’re Dutch.

  4. Well if your stumbling out drunk pratically dragging the willing and hopefully eager participant like a cave man, technically, it can still be considered pulling. Or just as well Jimmy crack corning.

  5. I concede. After all, how can I challenge the caveman argument, which is rather funny-brilliant!

  6. I “seduced” haha a whore from lollipop in Nana liquid last night. paid her nothin. So I ‘pulled’ her yes?

  7. Pure fiction? I find it hard to believe a pisshead monger can cum so much in one day? But does sound like a boring night out in Pattaya 🙂 only joking
    Love the walking talking steven hawking

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