“Put your seatbelt on Penfold, and tick off ‘steal a cab’….and tell me, which way to Bangkok”……..
12 Hours earlier…..
We planned the Pattaya trip last week…. Many ‘contributors’ helped come with some tasks that would see us busy for the day (see here). It was a tight schedule. Well, tighter than YP’s ring, but that isn’t saying much.
14:00 We missed our 12pm rendezvous down to pure laziness and suffering from sticky mattress syndrome. With 6 bottles of Smirnoff kept about our persons, we were good to go. Cab ride pretty uneventful apart from the usual YP demanding quality tunes from the radio and for him to speed up. We got none. After 3 bottles of Smirnoff each and bouncing up and down on the freeway, YP did mange to fill the car with the smell of sick. Was that on the list.?
16:00 Arrived a few blocks from Soi6, as the cab driver couldn’t count. We left him a little bag of sick in the back as token of our appreciation. Feeling in high spirits and wanting to help out the Pattaya wheels of industry YP stole a ‘Taxi’ sign from a taxi rank and relocated on someone’s parked vehicle. I wonder if the car driver now has a thriving business? Childish of us I know… but then we are in Pattaya.. full of grown men.. old, fat, Singha vest wearing tattooed yobs walking around with girls 40 years younger than them. So if they can act like kids.. then so can we.
We started at the bottom of Soi 6… took only a few paces and were pounced upon. It was daylight….it was soi 6…. We ‘should’ have been disgusted with what we saw, but in all honesty, there were a lot of not bad looking girls… this wasn’t going to be as bad as I thought. The 1st door we went through saw us the ugliest soi 6 worker of them all. It was our pal PG in his Dive shop… we tried to get him to close up shop, sack all the staff and burn the place down in order to come join us but I don’t think it was a desirable option for him. We told him of our list… one of the bars on the list was ‘Iron Bar’ and was informed that this was full of girls that think their shit doesn’t stink… duly noted. We gave PG our digits and told him to call us when he finishes work. No one knows the Pattaya scene better than him.
17:00 Next stop was Kiss Kool. There were some hotties sitting outside shouting at every passer by but the two that dragged us in were not the best looking. But what the hell. Booze was ordered. I offered my girl some drink… Tequila being her weapon of choice. She downed it… so I said… “one more dink you” (see, and you thought I couldn’t speak Thai?)… she down another….. and another….. and another. Damn.. this girl could drink them like water. This wasn’t doing my plan to get her drunk enough to shove a digit up her chuff box as our list required. Turns out that we didn’t need to ply her with drink, just merely lick the end of a finger and whack it up there! She was most obliging. Bless her. YP’s girl asked him for a drink. He said “lick my arse” (joking)… to which her response was o.k?!? For the 1st time that day, and by no means the last YP dropped his shit catchers and adopted the all 4’s position. She was good to her word, she rimmed him like she was trying to lick the bottom of a yoghurt pot when no one is looking. Not a pretty sight for me…. A few more drinks followed… as did more arse eating. Hers this time. YP had only had a few Jeager-Bombs’s but was well on the way. The girls wanted us to take them upstairs to show us a good time, but as we were on the clock… we declined. The list came in handy as we were able to use this as an excuse to move to the next bars. We showed the girls the list. They were not pissed at us for leaving, as they understood we were on a mission and even pointed out where certain bars were. I told YP to get the number of his arse eater as she could be used later… at those times when you reaaaally need to get down right nasty and dirty with some skank. Or when pmmp is looking for a date. [Editor’s Note: I resemble that remark]
18:00… check the list… we asked a girl who was currently trying to entice us through a dark doorway where ‘Lucky Love’ was… she looked at the pair of us, smirked and pointed across the road. Sure enough, there is was. We didn’t see the sign as the 6ft tall, large breasted men were standing in the way. “hang on a minute Penfold, I aint feeling comfortable about this….” YP told me it’d be alright as he has conversed with the other gender on one or two occasions before and knew the score. In we went. Now, I will happily argue all day long that if you have your cock in another mans mouth… then it’s gay. Sorry, but even if they do have cracking norks. It’s still gay. Isn’t it?
My defences were up to Defcon1… any sudden hand movement saw my Jedi reactions block and move. The Karate Kid would have been impressed. (The original.. not that little ballerina kid in the remake)… we ordered some drinks….. our two ‘companions’ stood next to us were being polite and making small talk… they were actually being quite friendly and non-aggressive. Is this normal? I assumed they were all like Mickey Rouke in The Wrestler and wanted to batter us around the ring. I was starting to relax… I yelled to YP… c’mon Penfers, lets buy these…. (hesitation followed) PEOPLE a drink! I was stuck for words. I could hardly call them lads now could I? And if I called them girls.. well then I would be entering a specific path that I really didn’t want to be on. I will admit though…. I was convinced these fellas thought they were tarts. I just couldn’t even begin to fool myself.. as they were all taller than me. But then, so are most Thai girls…
Drinking underway, we were having a laugh with the lads…. YP being… well… YP started groping fake norks… clothing came off.. there was flesh. Too much flesh. Check the list… Didn’t someone ask us (YP) to walk down the street in some tarts outfit? Our new pal… ‘Frank’ gave YP his bra. … With YP sporting his new outfit of some kind of leather bra and his Spiderman underpants filled with socks and one of my Nike Airmax 90’s, (to give him a bulge) he left the bar, crossed the road and bought a drink at the bar opposite. Now for the few minutes he was gone, (and to make myself sound tougher than the nervous little boy in an LB bar) I lined all the LB’s up and smashed them up the nought followed by kidney punches and doing shots of unleaded petrol. Just like we used to do in Prison on Friday nights…moving on. YP back in the bar.. we were all laughing and joking. It was quite fun in there. We showed the list to the lads and they spied ‘so what bar’…. It was their (no pun indented) sister bar. We check binned… returned clothes and shook hands. I gave them each a 1000 for being a good sport, although I like to think that doubles up as hush money….
19:00 we passed Red Point. The girls outside looked pretty good. All in that silk looking sexy outfits. Of course the girls that joined us as we walked in were not so hot. Why does that always happens? Can’t say there was too much that went on in there which was memorable. I was taking notes on my iPhone as the night went on, but for some reason there was just no atmosphere in RP. The seats were too far apart for YP and I to chat without shouting at the tops of our voices. Instead, we had to chat with the girls that had our undivided attention by default. Due to the list not having mentioned that we talk to two girls who we are not interested in and have bad breath, we left hurriedly.
19:30 Viking Bar… Again… dragged into the darkened bar…. We were getting well on the way to being drunk…. Our two new girlfriends sitting loyally next to us seemed rather nice so again we started poking and groping. It took all of 30 seconds for YP to get his kit off much to the girls laughter… it was cold in there. His girl had an absolute cracking rack. Phone call from PG… he’d finished work and was up for some action. I told him that as soon as we’d finished in this bar, I’d give him a call just as a girl proceeded to pull my pants down and pleasure me. My girl… YP’s girl, the barmaid and even YP himself all took it in turns to compare the size of my weapon… as it was the similar size to my girls arm. And before you say it, no, she wasn’t 12… she was the wrong side of 30. I was just glad that the Kamagra had fought past the alcohol and won. And a tip to YP, shaving down there really does add a couple of inches. YP put away his button mushroom, I tucked mine into my sock and we left. Another couple of grand handed over to the girls for being a good sport.
20:30…. Not sure what bar was coming up next…. But we saw some bint sitting on a stool with a huge affro. A little banter took place as I complimented her full head of hair and she laughed at my total lack of it…. She then revealed it to be a wig. Not wanting to continue my journey with a naked head I asked where she got it. It cost 200bht and it would of involved a walk that was not on the way to the bar, so I offered her 500bht for it. Deal done… I now had a full head of hair. The girl seemed a bit of a laugh so we stopped for JB’s. They hadn’t a clue what they were so YP took charge of the bar and started pouring. If it were any other bar and I didn’t have on a soppy wig, I am sure we would have had our arses kicked.
Using my phone to take pictures, send sms’s and call bar girls numbers took its toll and my battery went dead. This was a major blow as we needed to hook up with PG so he could take us to the places that the soi 6 crowds were too scared to go to. Damn.
21:00 saw us enter ‘So What’ bar. Again… another LB bar. Another bar for me to feel uncomfortable and another bar for YP to start flashing his nob around. I asked the lads in the bar for an iPhone charger but they were too busy arm wrestling. We showed them the ‘list’ and asked where Iron Bar was. They’d never heard of it. We made our excuses to leave.
22:00 was time for us to head to Walking Street….. We jumped on a pick up thingy and headed for W.S. Penfers was staggering a little and nearly fucked over but was steadied by a little troll girl who was out early to meet her pals…. We shot the shit with her a little and she told us she was meeting some pals at Lucifers in a little while. We told her that we were heading to the nearest bar for some drink and she was more than welcome to join us…. Just in WS there are a bunch of beer bars…… the sound was like a birds nest of new born chicks wanting a feeding and YP was just the person to throw them a worm. In we went. I asked the girls if they had an iPhone charger that I could use. They came up with every version of Nokia charger that exists but no iPhone. Is the Mango the only place that has an iPhone charger? Our new drinking troll told me of a little shop in Soi 15 that would charge the phone and off we trotted. We went in the store and handed the girl behind the counter the iPhone… no ticket.. no receipt nothing?!?! She just said come back in an hour. So there I was, trusting her with all the info on my phone. The 80’s music, my phonebook of bargirls and my hairdresser.
Back to the beer bar… YP was playing that game with what looks like a little broken piano with a little darling. She looked like a Princess. She was ‘different’. She was throwing the dice around like a true professional. The maths was so quick that Nick Leeson would have been impressed. The usual banter took place.. “what you give me if I win”…… we asked how much a barfine was… it was 300! Damn… I had forgotten how cheap this place was. BARFINE!!!… I was happy to pay it just to stop her playing that poxy game. (it’s only poxy cos I can’t play it). So, with our drinking troll and the Princess with us off we went to find another bar. I asked them where Iron Bar was, but they’d never heard of it.
22:30…. No idea what bar we went to next….. YP played pool with the princes and I chatted to our new drinking partner. More drinks were downed. I am sure by this point YP and I were not the most coherent of people. The Princess made excuses that she was on her period and couldn’t join us on the quest to be cunted…. I gave her a thousand for having a crack and on her way she went. Standing in the street we looked back and saw a bar… Iron Bar! That was on our list…! I told the troll pal with us that it was the Iron Bar we were looking for and she corrected us.. “no, that’s i-Lon bar. – stupid me.
In we went. There was the biggest display of gorgeous naked women I’ve seen in one place. These girls were certainly the best of the bunch I’ve seen in a long long time. And they were naked….. Close to us was a tub full of girls all covered in suds. That was all the cue that YP needed to get his kit off and dive in. As he did so, he caused a stir. The hot girls were not too happy with their new co-worker….. so much that the security surrounded him and interrogated him just short of stuffing a lamp in his face. After some bargaining, we were given the bill of 1000bht for YP to get in the tub. I nodded in agreement and my drinking troll tapped our bill for them to just add it on but the woman (Mamasan?) refused. I must pay 1k and right now…. I pulled out a crumpled brownie and handed it over. In YP dived!
Girls were screaming….. staff were screaming… and seeing that much of YP as I did… I started screaming. He got a fair bit of attention… most of it was just girls laughing and pointing at his small winkie… YP says the water was cold. After a girl gave his little winkie a little kiss, he climbed out, was given a towel and redressed.
The timing was right, as there was a bunch of big burley gents that didn’t seem happy with all the attention that YP was getting. Certainly not from the girls that YP was pulling around. Time to get the hell out.
On the way to Lucifers were a bunch of lads in the street breakdancin… on the list, there it was…. So off we trotted. One of us had to dance and the other took a photo. I went 1st, I ran to the centre, did a double back flip, went onto do the windmill and ended in a head-spin…. The light was dark and the flash not so good so it didn’t show on the camera. Next up was YP…. It looked like a scene from Run DMC V Jason Nevis…. YP did a head over heals, done some robot moves and ended in a cartwheel. The crowd went wild. They came to see some hip breakin. The crowd got what they came for and I got my photo…. Next on the list?
Off to Lucifers to hook up with our drinking trolls pals…. We hooked up… they seemed quite o.k…. the next few hours were a blur…… we danced… we drank.. we looked for skanks….. not much happening. There was a live band.. which I have to say were absolute crap. We wanted to go on elsewhere…. And where to go next?
It was approaching 4am….. do we go in… is it going to be any better? Nah… fuck it.. let’s get a cab and head home. The trolls took us on a little walk, through a market then through a hotel to a waiting car. A fairly luxurious silver Toyota. Suk soi 4 was ordered… 1200 was the fee.
Halfway between Pattaya and BKK is the half way station. On the list was ‘eat a bigmac at 3am’… it was nearer 5… but close enough. We asked the cab driver to pull in. He was going to anyway as he needed a piss stop. With him draining his bladder it dawned on us that he’d left the car running. Immediately we turned to each other and recited that we have ‘steal a cab’ on the list!! When in Rome… I jumped in the drivers seat and engaged reverse.
“Put your seatbelt on Penfold, and tick off ‘steal a cab’….and tell me, which way to Bangkok”? He just pointed out the window and said “ that way”. It was then we thought about the consequences… surely someone out there would not have seen the funny side of it and would have grassed us up. So I popped back in the back seat just as the driver came back. Off to McDonalds to get a Big Mac. I asked Penfers and the driver if they wanted anything… “Nah” was the answer. Fine.
I got back in the cab with my Big Mac… I turned to YP and told him I have a gift…. Out of my pocket I pulled out a flat McDonalds cap which I ‘found’ on the counter. I don’t know why this cap was so funny but for the next 20 mins we just fell about laughing. To the point where it hurt and wee came out.
We hit the Mango around 6am…. It was hard to keep our eyes open. We were done.. off to bed.
Pattaya in 12 was a hoot. The time seemed to pass a lot faster than usual.. probably because we were going through our list of things to do. Next time we’ll have to spend the night there, as we didn’t have time to get ourselves ‘seen to’.
YP spent most of the time getting his todger out… I spent most of the time paying people off so they didn’t twat us… or I paid off LB’s for not bending me over and rooting me. The total cost for the day (including the Big Mac) was 33k. But we were drinking a lot and buying lots of tarts drinks.
I could only write about stuff that I can remember. Lots went on that isn’t down here, but you get the idea. Having a list is a lot of fun but does make the time go quick. The next trip I’ll make sure the only thing on the list is me getting my rocks off.
Until my next report….. DW and side-kick YP.