Neon Nights – by Flank

On the way to Perth International….Vodka Buzz on. Just the way it should be when you flying Jetstar. Early check in and off to the bar…..fast forward…..throwing my guts up on the plane courtesy of airport sushi. Yes…haha perfect start to my holiday. Get to Changi at 6 in the morning. Bar open and Jim Beam self medication. On top of the world.

Get to Bangkok, as usual got through immigration very quick….new sim card and off to hotel. RC is on the way and I pick her up from reception. Fuck me…she brings her suitcase and I can barely lift the fucker “did you bring all ur possessions?”-“no, only a little bit” No shit, the thing felt like it had 20 bricks inside.

Anyway, had a couple of fairly quiet days as it also was pissing down every afternoon…

On the way to Buri Ram…here we go getting stopped by a cop again. He’s chatting to my driver and waves us though. I ask RC “what was all that shit about?” She gives me a classic straight face answer “he ask about you. I think he never seen Farang before” haha yeah right.

We get to Prakhon Chai and check in to a random place which looked good on the net….yeah fuck that, the room was so small you’re bouncing off the walls and nothing worked properly. Off we went next door and found huge room that is more like a apartment and costs me 400 a night…that’s baht….

We are right across a food center that has band playing every night and top food….Neon Nights ok…

Before we left Bangkok, we went to Ajarn Noo Gunpai and got our tattoos….for those of you who have Thai wives or girlfriends, ask them about him or utube him. You’ll get the idea.

Yesterday went to RC’s house for a visit and I did the universal language thing with her Dad but this time didn’t go ass up….and….before you know it I had an instant family and find myself today with two little nieces (3 and 5 years)……..feels like I’m in the fucking twilight zone! But, as usual, forward planning and I just got 2 bottles of Vodka.

I also managed to get myself invited to a wedding tomorrow…that should be interesting….

I’m off to the dentist now but that is a tale for another day…….

I will include a couple of pics soon.

Live long and prosper Trendsetters.

Bar Tales – Some girls don’t want to be ‘rescued’!

There I was, sitting in the bar one day when a rather attractive, leggy young girl (early 20’s) came in asking for a part-time job. Part time as in she was only in Thailand for a month.

She lived in Australia with her Husband. She was back ‘home’ for a month while her husband stayed at in Aus.

The thing is… this girl was fed up with her married life. All her hubby wanted to do was play with his jet-ski’s and drive his cars and hang out at the beach. He was well off and didn’t need to work.

For the next month she was going ‘short-time’ for 500bht. This girl was very attractive, slim and had a pair of fake norks to boot. For her, it wasn’t about the money. It was because she missed the life she once had. The care-free, bed-to-bed party environment she grew up in.

The poor bastard back in Australia was none the wiser. He thought she was up country visiting her family.

However, this tale takes a different route. As this girl got back into the party scene pretty deep. It wasn’t long before Crystal Meth took a hold of her. She dropped a lot of weight. She didn’t bother going back home to Aus and joined the ‘part girl circuit’. For those of you that don’t know, there are many, many groups of girls that don’t hang on streets or go to bars – they just sit around at home waiting for a call to join a party. There are many all over Bangkok.

Anyway, this girl was now in one of them groups. Waiting for the next party. A guy I know was a regular party holder and was very generous to her. He wanted her to clean her act up and get away from the dark-side of Bangkok party life. She was having none of it.

The last we heard of her was that she’d sold most of her belongings and even spent a little time in the monkey house after getting caught doing something she shouldn’t. The guy I know would get a call every now and then asking for ‘help’ in the form of a few thousand baht. Each time it was to be paid into a different account – which wasn’t the name of the girl.

It’s a sad one for sure as she was a nice girl.

The Aussie lad was also the looser here as he gave her every thing she could have wanted.

Some girls just can’t be saved.

More tales…….

Bar Tales 1   &    Bar Tales 2

That's the last time he invites his wife to hang out with him and his mates
That’s the last time he invites his wife to hang out with him and his mates

Another day – another HATE! (Real Estate Agents)

Miss Tim and I live in a nice little house in HH. Good size pool, enough room for our bikes, cars, cats and almost big enough to accommodate all the shoes.

Life here is good, peaceful and relaxing.

Hang on a minute… did I say peaceful? Scrap that.

Since the people moved out of next door, the house is now rented out by the night. Which means each weekend a load of Thai’s turn up in a pick-up truck with a big cool box full of Red Label whiskey and a load of sea monsters for a bbq. They will party in the pool and in the garden for upto 3 nights. It pisses me off.

Adjacent to us, there is a huge house with a huge pool. This has also turned into a party house. But as it’s rather expensive – it means that more Thai’s have to contribute and therefore more Thai’s are partying in the house!

I wouldn’t normally mind but in addition to all their booze and bbq’s, they all seem to have a load speaker system that airports could use to communicate with planes with – when their radios go down

Call me a grumpy old bastard if you like – but all the residents in my little soi are pissed off. We all lived in harmony with each other. Besides, it’s HH, that’s where grumpy old men live now.

So what can we/I do?

Well, my 1st thought was to go and give them all a slap naturally. But the numbers are getting a bit high. Plus, I am sure I’d be getting in some kind of trouble if I were to stab some of them or throw my power extension cable into their pool when they’re partying?

All I can do is move somewhere else. Somewhere more ‘selective’ over who they let into the community.

We contacted our Real Estate agent who made a big song and dance about us losing our deposit. She was promptly told to poke the deposit.

I found 3 houses on their website that I was interested in and gave them the reference numbers so we could arrange to view them.

The 1st was unavailable. – Then why is it on their website?

We were told the house number of the second and set off to view it. Upon looking at it, it didn’t seem to me like the one on the website. I checked the website and it was a completely different house. The Real Estate agent said this was the only house available on that housing estate?!?! Why didn’t the cow tell us the house we gave her the reference number of was not available?

The 3rd we were told does not have a private swimming pool and that we’d have to share. No thank-you. However, looking at the website advert – it most certainly was a private pool. Unless you’d be required to open the gates and let everyone into your garden to use the pool?

My hate is this – WHY DON’T REAL ESTATE AGENTS UPDATE THEIR WEBSITES?

What is the point of viewing ANY properties on their websites as there is no way of knowing what is available or not? The house we’ve been living in for the past 18 months, according to the website is available for rent and not booked out for the next 12 months. Odd… as we have a year left on our lease.

Our Real Estate agent is one of the biggest in Hua Hin. How is it they can operate like this? Totally unprofessional and it pisses me off.

When I vent my frustrations in the form of lots of swearing and feet stamping Miss Tim looks at me like I am some sort of nut-job. She can’t see the problem.

She has made a suggestion that I am looking into. She said ‘why dont you go live on the moon’?

Anyone know Real Estate there?

The No.1 thing I hate about Thailand (today)

Having driven from Hua Hin to Bangkok yesterday – I have a renewed hatred for Thai Lorry drivers.

They just can’t drive for shit.

They constantly drift over the white lines, change lanes without warning and drive as faster than the road conditions allow. They’re idiots. No.. assholes.

I have a solution to the traffic congestion and death toll on Thailand roads. – Police check points in the middle of a long stretch of road with no turn offs. If you don’t have a license (therefore no insurance) then your car is impounded until you have undertaken driving tuition and passed your test. – Of course, that’ll never happen – so crush the cars/trucks and recycle the material.

Lorry drivers should also be trained in how to load a vehicle – and simple truck maintenance. Just by driving past I could spot a number of faults on these trucks that would land the driver in a lot of trouble if it were in the west. I know we’re not in the west and I know I shouldn’t compare – but when I see these people praying for ‘good luck’ and painting symbols on the headlining of their vehicles I can’t help but shake my head.

All they need is some education and common sense.

This is Thailand… blah blah blah… Try telling that to the family of the person I saw lying on the bonnet of a car with his head through the windscreen. – Dead as can be. Not a pretty sight. All because these people have no driving skills.

I had one of the Hua-Hin-Bangkok mini-vans pass me last night doing around 160kph.

Miss Tim says it’s normal.

Yeah, it costs 180bht, but for that you might get a maniac driver and a load of people not wearing seatbelts. Even if you wear one in a crash – the person sitting behind you who isn’t wearing one – maybe the person that kills you.

There is nothing you or I can do about it of course.

Apart from bitch and moan.

Twat.
Twat.

Lomeos tale – through my eyes!

I can’t say that Miss Tim and I have been effected by the Cerfew yet. On Wednesday night we hit Hua Hin and got rather drunk. It must be our age catching up with us as we were passed out on the sofa by 10pm. Two hours before the curfew. Must try harder.

On Friday we hit Bangkok. The lads were all meeting at the M-Bar around 5pm. I booked a suite at the SM Grand (really big suite for very little money), Lomeo & Juliet booked a room opposite the M-Bar as did GM and Jonas booked a night on the sofa in my suite.

Knowing the night was going to finish early, we started early and did something we’ve never done before. We went to a gogo before 9pm

We left Miss Tim and Juliet in the bar and we headed out. GM, CTG, Lomeo, Doctor Bond, Bubba and Jonas. Into the Plaza we went.

First up was Spellbound. I said I wasn’t going to bother with this place again after the last time – but in we went. It wasn’t particularly busy but there were plenty of girls. All hungry. Drinks ordered, girls tipped and off we headed to Straps to see some nob.

Pretty busy in there but we only stayed for one drink. Too much to do.

I can’t remember the next bar. I think it was a Rainbow something but not sure. I am sure GM will know, as there must have been a girl in there he wanted to see.

BillBoard was suggested by someone so we headed up there. It’s now on my list of places not to go. Some little urchin creature came up and made a nuicance of herself. Pestering us for drinks. It all became a bit too much so we decided to head out after 1 drink. The bill came to over 3k and we sure as shit didn’t drink that much. Unless they were charging Jonas for sleeping at the table – there was an error in the bill. No point in arguing, we’ll never win. Bill Board is now Dead to Me.

Some idiot suggested we head to Cowboy. O.k.. it may have been me. We all jumped on bikes and roared down Sukhumvit like Whacky Racers. Fun when you’re drunk. I am sure if we were t see this on film we’d be horrified.

Stopped off at some grotty little bar on 23. Spotted an old pal called Nick who was having some fun. Jonas looked like he was falling asleep so we all headed to DollHouse. Pretty crap. GM didn’t have any girls in there so we left after 1 drink and went to Crazy House.

GM seems to be a star in here.. more so than the girls. One girl in particular has the most amazing smile and nice teeth… that I just wanted to punch her. She was that lovely that it made me angry. We left soon after.

Jonas was wanting to go to cockatoo as he has a bone to pick or lick with somebody but we dragged him with us to the top of Cowboy. Time was pressing closer to Curfew and we needed to get a cab. They all wanted 150bht to soi 4 which I would happily have paid double for. GM on the other hand would not and started arguing with all taxi’s that wanted 150bht. It wasn’t the time or place to remind GM about all the money he has spent on girls in the past money and gotten less than a 5 min cab ride from them. In the end, someone stepped in and we bundled GM in the back of the cab and headed for soi 4.

We’d lost a few people by now. Always happens.

Back into the M-Bar and a few more drinks. Miss Tim and I were rather drunk. Jonas was sleeping at the end of the bar and GM was mad that he didn’t have a girl on his arm.

Half past curfew we decided to head to the hotel.

The streets were still busy and there was no impression there was a curfew. Apparently I was hungry and kept asking people if they have food. The various little bars that were ‘secretly’ open asked us in for beer but I refused if they said they were not serving food. (what was I expecting?)

Back to the suite we spotted Aussie John coming out the door. He had just arrived back from Aus and was heading out (after curfew) to give some girl a bar of Toblerone. Or at least, that what he claims.

In the crib… Jonas decides to head back out and hunt down some food. I collapsed on the bed next to an already snoring Miss Tim.

Half an hour later Jonas arrived back. Using his Stealth like Ninja skill to get past security, then sneak past reception to our room. I must mention that on Trip Advisor. If a drunken Jonas can by pass all that then surely an angry ladyboy looking for Jonas can?

An hour plus past curfew – Jonas was able to score some food from Nana Hotel. Well done that man. We kept Miss Tim awake for the next hour with our giggling, story telling and farting. Jonas made himself comfy on the sofa, surrounding himself with various food items and the TV for company.

Sunday morning was not as unwelcome as I thought it would be. With the usual nurofen for a pre-breakfast, we were feeling right as rain – with time to kill. Fortunately GM, Lomeo & Juliet were thinking the same so we all headed to the Queen Vic before the scheduled 11am.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again… the food in the Queen Vic is great. The service from the Manager is crap – but we were not there for him.

All sorts of breakfasts were ordered – and Lomeo & Jonas went straight onto booze! Top men!

CTG came through the door – leaving me wondering how he knew we were here. Apparently I sent him an sms the night before when he went MIA? CTG went straight onto the Bloody Marys. And many did follow.

With a feed inside us all and the rest of the day at our disposal we pondered what to do. I suggested to Miss Tim that she conduct a little research in the shoe department and Juliet would be a good partner. I encouraged her to help herself to whatever money she has in her bank account.

Daytime on 23/Cowboy? We didn’t want to walk and the only daytime bar I knew was Shadow Bar so off we went.

Now, the girls that work daytime in Shadow Bar are not employed because of their looks, but they’re certainly not employed for their service skills. How many times when ordering drinks do they have to get it wrong before they consider writing it down. At one point the trog returned to our table and asked us AGAIN what we wanted, then went back into the bar and sent another girl to ask us… this time she had a pen and pad. Thing is, there were only 4 drinks – which were all listed on the bill as we’d been drinking the same for the past hour. What’s wrong with these people?

The plan was to have one or two drinks with the lads and then head to Terminal 21 to catch a movie with Miss Tim as I was heading out to the UK later that night.

After a few drinks… we had a few more… then maybe another few. With all that food and booze inside me – it was time for a downloading session. T21 was close-by so I headed there to check-in with Miss Tim and use the ‘facilities’. I’ve no need to write about the Toshiba Toilets at T21. If you’ve used them then you’ll know!

Out of the ‘dunny’ and headed back to Shadow Bar. GM had made his excuses and gone home to either meet up with a woman or hide from one. That’s the last we saw him that day.

A few more drinks and it was time to leave Shadow Bar for a different bit of scenery. Country Road was the closest. Sitting outside Country Road is actually nicer than sitting in Shadow Bar and the staff actually seem to have taken drinks orders in the past.

Around 6pm we were getting hungry. Where was close?

There was mention of the V8 Diner outside Insomnia (or whatever it’s called now)… so off we headed on foot. Now, we were all pretty drunk by now and for some reason started yelling ‘Red bag’ at people carrying a Red Bag. I am guessing only people who have seen the Bourne Identity would have seen the funny side?

Inside the Diner we were not shown to a table and the staff were not on us to take a drinks order. A quick browse at the menu showed only hot dogs and burgers so we upped and left. Crap service, crap menu. Next.

CTG wanted to hit Sunrise Tacos so in we went. I am not a fan.

To me… it all tastes the same. I was on slow-mode as I had to catch a plane later and couldn’t drink anymore. CTG, Jonas and Lomeo were hell bent on drinking Margaritas.

After a feeding we decided to head to Soi 4. CTG disappeared somewhere before we made it to Big Dogs. I think we only had a few in Big Dogs – as it was crap. One last drink was planned back at the M-Bar before it was time to head to the airport.

I was due to head to the airport around 10pm. Jonas left my hotel room around 8pm – saying he was going straight home.

The airport run was pretty good. I was expecting inflated charges and lots of traffic but there was none and the taxi was on the meter.

When I got to the lounge and poured myself a glass of Champagne I got a call from Jonas. It was gone midnight and he was arguing with some bint on soi 3. Couldn’t really make out what was going on.

It was Jonas!

Sleeping like a baby!
Sleeping like a baby!

Rome burns while Romeo fiddles

Rome burns while Lomeo fiddles

Sometimes I feel like even my therapist won’t listen to me anymore. So yet again I am forced to pour my thoughts out to you, gentle reader, in the hope that it might be slightly more amusing than any edition of the Bangkok Post.
Having finally recovered from last weekends bender, I’ll try and work through this latest missive that has been burning through the few remaining neurons that I have left. Let’s rewind a little, first.

The gang started to come together last Friday, as the M Bar filled up from 5 pm. I’d ventured into the soi a few hours earlier and grabbed a room opposite the bar for the bargain basement price of B700 per night. I tell Gamblin Man about my score, and he radio’s that he wants one too. Sorted. Then I undertake a most superstitious ‘funding ceremony’ whereby a credit card that is way over it’s limit is carefully extracted from my wallet and honored, before I make the trek to my favorite ATM and break out the incense and candles before requesting a small sakuk allowance from the machine. I don’t even blink at having to pay B180 for the privileged, hell I’d pay three times that just to hear the sweat sound of that cash being dispensed.

After wetting the whistle and catching up with the crew, we head to the plaza around eight and hit the usual haunts. It’s looking long in the tooth and needs a revamp, but will it get one? Probably not. Spellbound the standout, great talent on offer and the vibe is good. Downhill from there and Billboard well past it’s best. We get stiffed on drinks and girls assigned by the mamasan.

We pull the pin and head to the mouth of the soi and each grab a motorbike taxi to head to Cowboy. A bit of fun as it becomes a race as we pass one another on the Suk. We check out Crazy House – packed to the rafters, and not surprisingly Gamblin Man knows all the girls on stage, hell he’s barfined half of them, when they were working at other establishments. Then to DollHouse where Jonas, who had been fighting sleep all night finally succumbs. Back to the M to catch up with the girls and in bed by a reasonable hour.

We’d lost CTG somewhere in Cowboy, but other than that no major casualty’s, if you exclude the ladyboy Jonas punched outside of Cockatoo.

Sunday morning.

Wakey, wakey
Lips on snakey
Then we’ll go for eggs and bakey.

After a shower I hit the phones and find that everyone is ready to check-out so we head down to the Queen Vic for some fuel. Except no-one tells CTG we ‘time shifted’ the breakfast. Good thing, as there weren’t enough seats anyway.

I order a Bloody Mary and Jonas grabs a Heine thankfully, as I hate drinking alone at breakfast. Grub’s good and when CTG arrives we make room for him. He has a somewhat religious eating experience. A lot of “Thank God”‘s and “Bless you”‘s escape his mouth in between mouthfuls of food. It is Sunday afterall and I listen intently in case there is something of note in today’s sermon. Surprisingly it comes, later.

Finish eating and the girls want to go .. shoe shopping .. so the boys will go .. drinking. I imagine that would be the correct answer in a Bangkok based aptitude test. It’s close enough to midday and we hit the blinding light of Cowboy – Not the neon, but the sunlight. Like vampires we scurry for the aptly named Shadow bar, and partake of the poison yet again. Geez the soi looks different during the day and it takes some time for it to slowly awaken. Over the course of the next few hours the troops come and go. We lose Gamblin Man who has to go home and update his little black book, and at one stage Jonas and Big G head to T21 to catch up on how much the girls are spending, and CTG and I are left propping up the bar. It’s good because I don’t know much about him and we have a good chin wag. I find him, like most people I’ve met here, interesting. We’re all playing a different angle, getting here, staying here. Life’s rarely dull here, and never has to be if you don’t want it to be. The gang returns and we move to Country Road where I’ve got quite a buzz on and while away an hour or so there before departing.

As we make our way down the suk back towards soi 4, Big G introduces us to the game of “Red Bag”. It’s hilarious, and you need a few in you before you can play well. Modeled on the scene from “The Bourne Identity” where Bourne enters the American Embassy in Zurich with a red duffle bug over his shoulder and the embassy official shouts out”Red bag. You with the Red Bag. Stay right there!”. Take a crowded place, pick your targets based on clothing and fire. Wait for reaction, laugh and re-load. Brilliant!

I want that red bag!
I want that red bag!

We stuffed our faces at Sunrise Tacos and eventually made it to the corner of soi 4. We lost CTG who had to log on or log off, can’t quite remember.

A fantastic 24 hours with the people I call friends .. CTG said that he was surprised that the gang had stayed together for so long, but as I see it Rome is burning. That doesn’t mean that we won’t stay in touch, but more that days like I’ve just chronicled are becoming rarer, so they are to be cherished and lived to the full. Breath them in for as long as you can for they are life. Everything ends, and so it must. Work schedules are changing, many have tired of the City of Angels and most agree that the halcyon days are long gone.

I’m heading down to Sin City this weekend to forget about Bangkok for a few days, an absolute necessity for anyone who sepnds a considerable amount of time here. I plan to talk to Russians in the sauna and seek out the Table of Knowledge. Ask Rainman

Another week done….

I’ve been back to the UK for a few days – sorting out some paperwork.

Just getting ready to head to the airport to fly back to the Motherland.

Getting in around lunchtime Friday and will be hitting the streets arond 17:30.

Who’s in?

Miss Tim and I will be getting out of the city around 11pm… the latest the cab will take us 🙁

We have a blog post coming up from Lomeo on last Fridays antics. I did attempt to write them up myself but have been too busy. And to be honest, can’t really remember too much!