Airport of Idiots – Episode 5

Jesus. The best (worst) episode yet.     This episode focuses on people on their way out of the airport which experience trouble in some way.


Once again, being late, losing passports and being drunk seems to come into play.  All that aside, one thing almost all of them have in common is… they’re complete idiots.

Lets take a look at them…


  • Ex Army guy

First of all, I have the utmost respect for our armed forces.  I donate to the Help for Heroes and one of my best pals is an ex Royal Marine Commando.  I have a big appreciation for these guys.

Having said that,  this  ex-forces guy ended up at Bangkok airport, wanting to get home, no flight and no money – expecting others to get him home!  What kind of ASSHOLE gets into this position?

When THEY (no one else) have screwed up, why is it they EXPECT the Tourist Police to solve all their problems?

Just when the British Embassy seemed to have everything sorted – it comes to light that it’s not his first emergency passport and he is also on overstay.   This gives me the impression that he just doesn’t give a toss or take responsibilities for his own actions.

Pleading poverty – he still manages to admit he has taken a load of prescription drugs. The guy was physically shaking.

No money, no flight – he was talking like the world has to take care of him.

When he was told to go to the British Embassy – he pleaded that he had no money and the girls behind the desk offered him the money!

What do these girls think of the Farangs?
What do these girls think of the Farangs?

In the cab – he even puked out the window,    It’s hard to feel any sympathy for this loser especially when you see him arranging money over the phone from him Mum!

WHY didn’t he call his Mother of friends in the first place?! With a little cash in your pocket it would have been so much easier to sort out.

It’s not gone unnoticed that all these losers who don’t have any money all seem to be smoking and drinking. Funny that.

Verdict:  Wanker.

  • Lads on holiday

Group of young lads on holiday.  Can’t really hammer these ‘kids’ too much as they are just that.  However,  I will say that it is obsurd to say you can’t find your way out the airport.   Bangkok airport is a pretty good airport and everything is sign-posted and easy to follow.   But then,  I am assuming that these people can read.

They did make a comment that they had traveled hundreds of miles to come on holiday.  I am thinking they don’t realize it’s thousands rather than hundreds.

Verdict: Dumb kids.

  • Panic Attack!

The Aussie girl who had a panic attack!!   WTF??  Attention seeking hideous cow.  I can’t claim to know anything about a ‘panic attack’ but listening to the Doctor on the show, she stated that it’s not a physical problem, but a mental one.     Which seemed apparent just by looking at her.

They should not have given her any airtime and treated her only with a slap in the face with a wet fish.

I am sure the Aussies watching this will hang their heads in shame, as I do when I see my fellow country men on the show.

When in the medical centre, the attention seeking pig admitted that instead of medication, she self medicates by using a McDonald’s bag!  – I don’t think I need to say anymore about this.

Verdict: A fucking embarrassment to society.

  • Lost Passport

Another chap with a lost passport.  This guy actually came across very calm and polite.  Despite having to rally round to get an emergency passport he never shouted at the Thai Staff or lost his temper.  He was polite to everyone he encountered.  I am guessing this is quite rare for the girls on the Tourist Police desk.

Verdict:  The guy resolved it and didn’t complain. Well done.

  • Dumb Girls

Two girls traveling.  Over-night in Kow Shit road and then onto Phuket the next day.    I’ve visited Kow shit road once in 10 years – just to confirm my suspicions are right.   The road is filled with wasters.    The vast majority of the people who have problems at the airport seem to have a night in Koh San Road.

So, they missed their flight.   They went for the later flight and almost missed that.  They were pretty dumb.

I mentioned the other week that it seems common that people who miss their original flight always seem to be late for their second flight.  To me.. the blame lays in one place only – THEM.

Verdict: Dippy cows.

  • Odd Indian

Some Indian lad was found near the airport – missing his shirt, passport, money etc.  Claiming to have been in fear of his life from a bunch of Thai people. One begs to ask the question what had he done to get into this situation?

After alot of incomprehensible dialog he was sedated and hospitalized.   Personally, I’d have opted for hitting him with a tazer and dumping him on the side of the road 30 miles away.     Not worth wasting time on him.

Verdict: Twat.

I have traveled through Suvarnabhumi Airport easily over 100 times.  I have never been lost or had an incident.    I have 3 passports,  two more than all these idiots that lose their passports.  I have never lost one.  Why is it so difficult to keep them safe?

So far I have no sympathy when any of the people who are actually looking for sympathy.

The girls on the desk at Tourist Police seem to be on the ball.  They can tell when people are talking shit or out of their mind.     They must have a very low opinion of us Farangs, having to deal with that crap each day.  Hell, I have a low opinions of us Farangs after that!

Roll on the last episode so we can put all this to bed!

More from the girl to sends queue pushers to the back please.
More from the girl to sends queue pushers to the back please.

A night with Rafiq. (well, not ALL night)

I’ve been in Dubai for 2 weeks now. What better way to mark the time with a night out with the guy that kicked off all the Dubai interest on the blog – Rafiq.

Rafiq has a favorite bar he was wanting to introduce me to.

As we rolled up to the club (Ratski) the security guys outside acknowledged the ‘Benz’ and directed us to the ‘no parking’ area immediately outside the door.

Getting out the car – we were greeted by various people from the club. Rafiq made the introductions and we bypassed all the usual payment formalities that (I assume) the tourists / normal punters have to go through.

Ratski is a predominately Filipino bar. Filipino band, Filipino staff and Filipino girls working the floors.

It’s the same deal as you’ll get in Climax and bars/clubs like this.   The girls are not aggressive in anyway but you have to be firm with them if you’re not interested.

Entering the bar, Rafiq was ushered to his regular table where moments later a bottle Vodka, Chivas and a bucket of beer was laid out in front. Excellent service.

It’s difficult to compare services from different establishments of different classes.   I can say the service in my current hotel is far better than the service I get at the Citidines in soi 11. But then, compare the area and the prices – so it’s all relative.   I’d put Ratski on par with Climax and the service the same. Of course, if you’re spending big, you’ll get better looked after.

There is a live band which I am not a fan of. In fact I HATE live bands. I’d rather chew my own hand off than sit in Hilary Bar with their music. Having said all that I have actually come across a band that I do like – at the Sea View. First time ever! This band actually plays music and sings instead of shouting into the mic.

The Ratski has girls. Many girls. Rafiq is not a monger, but does like to hang out and knows many of the girls to have a drink and a flirt with. There is a sense of comfort between he and the girls there. No one seems to be under any illusion or threat.   Me, being ever the cynic tends to think that the girls still only have one goal. – cash!   And why wouldn’t they?

In my experience, these bars are the girls ‘shop floor’.   The night-time is their hours of work. They’re not there to have a drink and a laugh – they’re there to make money. Sure, they’ll have a drink and shoot the breeze briefly, but the priority is to make money.

One girl approached me and asked if I wanted ‘care’ for the night. I thought she said ‘hair’ and we had a joke about it. I told her I’d be up for the hair, but politely declined the caring part.   She smiled, said ‘excuse me’ and trotted off to the next punter.   Business is business and I’ve no issues with that.

Drink flowed and the table was getting full with glasses, bottles and popcorn. Oddly enough the popcorn wasn’t salted – which is the main reason bars serve (salted) popcorn as it makes you want to drink more.

If we look drunk.. it's because we are.
If we look drunk.. it’s because we are.

One of the guys on the table – an interesting Brit who’s been in Dubai for 3 years was having a chat with a girl of large portions offered him some ‘care’ for the night for 2000 dirums. – which is just over 17,500bht.   Apart from the monster bazookas – the girl was nice from far, but far from nice. She was told that it was not gonna happen and she disappeared into the night. Probably to see if she could get a punter at that price before having to lower her expectations as the night grows old.

Doing a little research – the people in the ‘know’ who live/work here will pay around 5-700 (approx 6000 bht). This seems to be the going rate.

Looking around the place, there are many ‘ethnics’ which do not have pockets full of money, so you have to ask yourself what have these girls gone through to make money?!   It seems to be a common joke (although serious complaint) that most of the Indians seem to be dodging the soap. I am guessing these guys are probably not living downtown or the marina also, so when you weigh all that up – you could easily factor all these points in when negotiating a price.

Being a school night, I was unable to stay out until the early hours with Rafiq.   With the bottle now empty and Rafiq readying himself to get another, I made my apologies and my buddy and I left around midnight. – making sure I tipped the little service girl for keeping my glass topped all night.

The table...  (dirty, filthy, disgusting smokers everywhere!)
The table… (dirty, filthy, disgusting smokers everywhere!)

Rafiq and his pal partied on. For me, the night was done, for Raf, the night was young.

Big thanks to Rafiq for hosting the night at his great expense.

Dubai is quite a bit more expensive than Bangkok for sure. It puts all the complaints about the price of beer, taxis, living etc.. into perspective. The people in Bangkok have it cheap for sure!

I am two weeks in and already I feel at home in Dubai.

Dubai, just like I pictured it. Skyscrapers and everything……….

I am here. I have arrived! One week in and all is going well. – ish!

Dubai is a nice place. Some breathtaking views. Friendly people, wonderful restaurants, fantastic beaches.. but hang on a minute, did I say all this about Thailand 10 years ago?!

As stated, I have only been here a week, so I’ve very little experience of the place so far. There are many things that are a balance to get sorted which residents will agree with and tourists will never know about. I’ll give you the high-lights so far. Remember, I am not an expert here and if I make any mistakes, I am sure Rafiq will jump all over it.

From what I’ve seen so far (and I’ve only been here a week) there are 4 areas of interest (to me)
There are many more areas, but I’ve not explored them yet.

Downtown – This is the area where the Burj Khalif / Fountain / Mall is situated. Plenty restaurants and (hotel)bars around.

Marina – Self-explanatory. Great views and trendy hotel bars. Only problem with that is the traffic is pretty bad in the morning / evening rush hours

The Palm – As nice as it is.. it’s more for families and beautiful people. Plenty of hotel beach bars but to be honest, they’re a little boring

Although not as cheap as taxi’s in Bangkok, the taxis in Dubai are really cheap. A 30km ride cost under $20.


No easy way to say it. It’s a friggin nightmare. The traffic management here just seems way over complicated. I am sure this is not the best solution. It’s just chaos. Again – not as bad as Bangkok but just over complicated. I have bought a TomTom to help navigate around the place. If you take a wrong turning – your fooked!!

I’ve visited a few hotels since arriving and they’ve all been pretty nice. By far a higher standard that what we’re used to in Bangkok. Having said that, the price is a lot higher!
Until I can find a permanent place to live – I am currently living in a Rotana Hotel. It’s not bad and I have a corner suite. A snip at $300 per night.
Currently I am waiting on my Residence paperwork/visa to come through until I can sign a lease. It takes 2-3 weeks for this to come through.

View from the Apartment
View from the Apartment

Must say – the customer service is pretty damn good. In fact – maybe a little too good! Or it is the ‘norm’ and I am just used to bad service?
The hotel staff here are very friendly and can’t do enough for you. The taxi drivers are polite and helpful and restaurant / bar staff are talkative and polite. Bravo!



This is Dubai. They don’t drink! If you want an alcoholic drink, you have to visit on of the hotel bars (I think). I’ve not seen any booze on sale in the cafés & restaurants. The only place I have seen booze is in the hotel bars. Fortunately the hotels are everywhere – so you don’t have to go far for a drink.

On the list!
On the list!

I love the fact that even though this is a Muslim Country and they don’t drink, the non-Muslims are not banned from drinking. For us non-Muslim, we have to obtain a Booze license so we can purchase booze from the shops and have at home. I’ll apply once my residence permit comes through!



I am not a beach person – but from what I have seen, the beaches are pretty awesome. If you stay on the Palm, you get to use the private beach areas.

The Park

Miss Tim and I like parks. At the weekend I met up with one of my best pals and his wife from the uk for a picnic in the park. It’s pretty big. A small lake in the middle, kiddies play area and jogging/cycle paths. I can see us spending more time there for sure.

Safa Park
Safa Park






There are all sorts of apartments available here. For rentals, you are mostly having to pay for a year minimum.
I am looking for a Hotel Apartment. I’ve a budget of around $60k per year which I ‘thought’ would be enough. After looking at a few, I think I am going to have to increase the budget. Doh.

Fully serviced Hotel Apartments are just so much easier than having a place where you have separate utilities and have room service.

Of course – I need a 2 bed so there is somewhere for Jonas, GM, Lomeo etc…. to stay!

They’re a lot cheaper here than in the UK /Thailand that’s for sure. And what a selection! I quite fancy an Aston, a Ferrari or a Porsche. Only thing is, Miss Tim will have to stop buying shoes.

When choosing an apartment – the view is very much a factor to me. I like buildings and lights. Not interested in looking over the sea.. which at night is pretty dull and boring. Bright lights, big city. Love it.

The view from a bar.
The view from a bar.

Rafiq is the Oracle here. But from what I’ve seen – there are many, many Asians here.
Yes, there are hookers out and about but there are also ‘normal’ girls here. Working, living, holidaying, it’s quite refreshing being in the company of women that are not trying to sell themselves to you.

All in all, I am pretty impressed with Dubai. Once I have the apartment sorted out – I’ll be more settled and will be able to see what it’s like to live here like a mere mortal.
Once the apartment is sorted – I can then send for Miss Tim!

Airport of Idiots! – Episode Update!

Anyone see the ‘Airport of Smiles’ documentary on BBC last week?

Wow!!! How did they manage to find such idiots to put on film?

I can only assume the Producers filmed a lot of people over their stay and included the people who were the dumbest in the program?

I was embarrassed watching two stupid, dumbest, ugliest fat girls (from the UK) talking absolute shit and making complete fools of themselves. It was cringe worthy.

Continue reading “Airport of Idiots! – Episode Update!”

Bar tales – by Danny Doc

I take my hat off to most people who open a bar in Thailand – although not all of them. Maybe something to do with the fact that I thought about doing it myself. I

t was brought back to me recently when Graham mentioned in one of his comments that he considered buying a bar down in Hua Hin. As Graham stated his idea was to run it as a bit of fun and as somewhere to hang out with his friends. This was more or less what a friend and myself considered back in 2007.

Again Hua Hin was our preferred choice and it was also to be run for our own enjoyment. It would have had the girls on a fixed salary – this something that a lot of the bars down there don’t do and the girls have to make their money on lady drinks and going with customers.

We wouldn’t be having any naughtiness on the premises, no barfines etc. Smiling, non pushy girls (probably older than what mongers are looking for anyways), reasonable prices and good themed music. Pool table, darts and dominoes. It wouldn’t have been everyones cup of tea but we weren’t expecting to make any money from it. It would also have been off the beaten track of the main tourist area in the Soi 80 area.

Our idea was that we would both invest about £10,000 to £12,000. We thought that even if we didn’t make any money we would both have lived a year in LOS. If we did make money then we could maybe stay on for a second year etc etc. If we had to leave as paupers after a year then no big deal it would be back to the grindstone back home.

So nothing really to loose and a nice years holiday for not too much money. It did not get off the ground after the two of came out to Thailand that year to do a bit of research and due diligence. After about 10 days we fell out with each other as we found out we didn’t really like each other. Better to find out at the beginning than some months into the venture.

Anyways this is just a heads up for people. If you are interested in the trials and tribulations of running a bar in Thailand and have not been following Mobi’s blog down in Pattaya then now is the time. I have been following his blog for about 4 years now. He is a recovering alcoholic who’s blog can be a bit hard to bare as he goes through all the emotions of his life. He is a very good and amusing writer who doesn’t shy away from discussing his own problems.

If anyone else has been following him they will know that he opened a bar last year.


Everyone feared the worse ,him being a recovering alcohol, and owning a bar would only end in one way. However the reading of the trials and tribulations of the bars nightly shenanigans were a treat to read. In the end his bar became something of a success and people would visit from far and wide just to meet him. A bit like Graham no doubt.

Although his health deteriorated over the 6 months that he owned the bar I believe the antics of some of his customers (and his staff) re-enforced his decision to stay on the wagon. Anyway the point of this sub is that Mobi publishes a blog every Sunday and last Sunday he started reflecting on his experience of running a bar. I would also advise you to go back to earlier editions when he actually had the bar as I’m sure if you ever had a notion of opening a bar then his experiences would cause you to think again.


Thoughts and Reports….

A few observations from the past week or so…..

Skybar –   If you have a dress code,  why not enforce it?

Why is it I am not allowed to take a photo from the skybar steps – but you can shoot a movie from them?

Not allowed to take photos from the steps incase of what?
Not allowed to take photos from the steps incase of what?










Tourists – Really?  If you’re heading to a posh/respectable restaurant, is it really appropriate to wear shorts and flipflops?   I hate scumbags.

Rag-trade.  Remove all size labels from your clothing as none of them correspond with the actual size of the clothing.

Is it me – or are there even MORE Arabs and Indians all up and down Sukhumvit?

You know, the little ‘street bars’ up and down Sukhumvit appear to be the place that many girls from the gogo bars head to after work.  One in particular is owned by the older sister of a gogo girl from SpellBound.  Why doesn’t Spellbound (or other gogo’s) ‘Sponsor’ one of these little bars?   Bit of advertising / color branding?   The girls that meet guys could encourage the punters to hit their gogo’s the next day. Not a bad idea me thinks?!

It dawned on me this week that I am on my 3rd generation of taxi here!  When I 1st came, everyone was driving shinny ones of these….

Any of them still with working AC?
Any of them still with working AC?








Then these were introduced…

Starting to  show their age
Starting to show their age







and now these…

These dont have the spell of stale chili breath.
These dont have the smell of stale chili breath.







When bored in a taxi (which is a lot) I try to spot the 1st gen.  It passes the time.

Anyone a regular  visitor to T21 – near VMC shoe shop (near the NIKE shop)?
– The place smells of crap.  Literally.  It’s horrid.  More than a year and it still smells of sewage. How can they work like that?

Baccara!?!?!   WTF?   You have to buy a drink BEFORE you are allowed inside.  Cheeky bastards.   What if 1) it’s packed and you don’t want to sit in their allocated seating 2) there are bunch of trogs in there and you don’t fancy it and 3 (my fave) there is a girl in there you really want to avoid.

Baccara is dead to me
Baccara is dead to me








There is a lot to be said for that peering trough the curtain glance!

Hats off to Spellbound.  When I turned up their on b’day night – they made a big fuss over me.  Even to the point where the girls arranged a pizza with candles and the management gave us a tray of tequilas.   Fabulous – and still the no.1 gogo in the plaza.

Miss Tim and I popped over to the UK last weekend for a spot of shopping.   On our return we found the airport to be absolutely heaving.  Never seen it that busy. Luckily we had the Fast-Track pass and got through pretty quick.  To our amazement – a farang (American) approached an airport official and asked them if Thailand has ATM’s. – twat.

Also at the airport – you no longer have to approach a ‘human’ to get a public taxi.  They’ve been replaced by computers.   You either select a saloon/sedan or a van-type on a screen, get the printed ticket and walk to the nearest car (type).

We had 2 big cases and once loaded up and setting off, the (female) taxi quoted us 500bht because we had ‘big luggage’.   Had I not a sweat on from lugging the bags around, I’d have  told her to shove it up her arse.  Another thing that pisses me off about these fookers.

So, when I got out the car I pulled out a roll of 1000’s and told her I usually give 1000  but as she DEMANDED 500 – that’s all she was getting.

Anyone eaten at Molly Malones in Silom?  They do a special deal… 3 meals for the price of 2 in the daytime.  Miss Tim and I didn’t know this until we got the bill.   We actually ordered a 3rd dish anyway – as they have ‘donner kebab’ on the menu and we wanted to try it.

I now see why they are giving meals away.  It was total crap.

Pictures may say 1000 words.  I can think of only 1. - crap
Pictures may say 1000 words. I can think of only 1. – crap








Stayed at S15 again.  Still my hotel of choice.  Cost about 8.5k for 2 nights which includes breakfast.  Nice executive room, although the stereo had a tape deck?!!  Can you even buy cassette tapes these days?

One thing that did make me slightly mad at breakfast there though… a not so little Chinese man eating noodles.   WHY is it they can’t just bite off the noodles they’ve shoveled into their mouths?  WHY is it they suck them up making the most revolting pig noises?

Was out for dinner with Lomeo & Juliet last night in Hua Hin.   We’d eaten Italian for the best part of 2 weeks so decided on something different.

The U.S BBQ Restaurant was a place we hadn’t been for a few years – so we thought we’d give it a go.    We’ve not been there in a few years as they pissed me off when I asked for the wifi password, the girl insisted on entering the code in my phone so I could not see it – and within 5 minutes they turned the wifi off!

– Anyway, that was a few years ago.   Last we went in there and ordered our own bodyweight in ribs and stuff.

They told Miss Tim that the Duck she ordered would take a little longer to cook (catch).   What is deemed a ‘little’ longer?   We had cleared the Appetisers, main courses and drinks and the staff had even cleared our dishes away before the Duck came!

See you in another 2 years – maybe.

Right now I am sitting in the Emirates lounge.   Checked in just under 80kg of luggage – and only allowed 60kg.   A nice bill of 20,000 bht!    If each extra kg is 1100bht, then that works out more expensive than a person sitting in a nice seat, top deck with a tv.

That’s my rant over.

Carry on….