Phuk This – Final Update…..

Week 2 into my month off – Miss Tim and I headed for Phuket. It’s been quite a few years since the last visit and couldn’t really remember too much about it.

Is there a reason neither Sticks ever mention Phuket?

After a few days in Bangkok (more on that at a later date) we were ready for some R&R.

The Kalima Resort was the accommodation of choice. Not too far from Patong Beach.

The resort is pretty nice. Lovely views over the sea – infinity pool and nice rooms. All the things you’d expect from a nice place.

What we didn’t expect was the occupancy seems to be 80% Chinese! They are now everywhere. They seem to have taken the planet by storm. I guess I just hate all people. As I get annoyed when they all descend on the pool – talking (shouting) at each other and taking selfies everywhere. Seriously.. they never put their phones down.

And what’s with tattoos these days? I don’t mean an ‘inked-up’ arm or lower back tatt… I am talking about the most hideous front thigh tattoo – a greeny blue stupid image on a big fat white leg?! Some fat skank had tattoos on the thigh front and back – but we had no idea what the tattoo was of? Maybe it was a pet she loved and lost – so thought she’d have a picture inked onto her leg. – Of how the dog looked after is was hit by several cars.

I must say that the Chinese must have amazing motabalisms. They all seem to be relatively small – so how on earth are they able to demolish the breakfast buffet with such militarily precision.
Once again, I just sit and dream about a time when I can sit in my own planet – with no one around to piss me off.

A few days kicking around the resort – saw us head into the town. Bit of day time perusal of the large shopping mall. – And what shit it is. Every shop seems to be selling the same old tat. And it is tat. The usual crap that you’ll see all over Bangkok, but at twice the price.
Everything here seems expensive. And when I say expensive, it’s still not expensive as other places in the world, but compared to Bangkok and Hua Hin, it is more expensive here.

Into the bars – Bangla road looks a mess. Very similar to Pattaya Walking Street. In the daytime it’s just a hot mess with cables, garbage bins and noodle stalls everywhere. The darkness is a warm welcome as it hides much of this pig-sty.

We hit a few bars – and were consistently served Vodka with some flat coke. The bars all seemed old, which matched the age of the staff. Not much fun or atmosphere. A couple of the bars which are expat owned had their loyal friends propped at the bar. Older guys, faded tattoos, overweight with cheap jewelry trying to convince themselves they are living the dream. They stay in the same chair all night – talking pigeon English telling lies to hookers. Tossers. If I ever end up like that – shoot me.

The street itself is closed off from traffic around 7pm – and it’s then a ‘walking street’. People watching being a interesting pastime for us – we couldn’t help but notice the majority of the tourists here are Chinese, followed by Scandos and Arabs. Not seeing many Americans/Brits.

I assume that for many of the tourists – Phuket is the only experience of Thailand for many people. That can only be the reason why people flock towards a few LB’s who are dressed up in some theatrical frocks. Here the ‘3 lads’ stand together and charge 100bht to have their photo taken with you.

Really? 100bht for a photo of an LB?

Cheaper in Nana….

Jonas knows an LB who will suck you off for an extra 100bht.

We stuck it out – and in no time at all we were drunk. Five hours of bar hopping was enough and it was time to head home. The 2km back to the hotel is mainly uphill – so phuk that, we’re getting a cab. The 7 minute journey costs 300bht. Again, can’t help but feel we are being ripped off.

Speaking of the traffic – it’s nice to see that everyone wears a crash helmet. Although, with the amount of traffic there is here, I don’t think it’s possible to go fast enough to get hurt in a crash.

Another few days left before heading back to HH. If I am honest, I think I’d have preferred to stay home that visit this shithole. The hotel is great and the staff are really nice. The room, view, pool fantastic. Phuket though – seems a bit lowerclass scumbaggy for my liking.

Of course – there are many other parts of Phuket – but as I didn’t fancy renting a car or bike, we are limited to a smaller radius.

Tomorrow we shall head to the beach and see if we can get ripped off by assholes renting out jet-skis.

** Updates….

Went for a little stroll in the hood yesterday. Stopped off at a little beach front cafe.

Pina Colada & Water Melon juice…. 700bht. Plus the obligatory service charge and tax which is 17% on top.

I would happily pay that – if it was worth it. But it was shite!

For 700bht, I’d expect 500 change.

Later on… we went on another stroll and came across a nice looking restaurant called the ‘White Box’. Went in and was asked if we had a reservation. That’s a normal question to be asked when there are customers – but as we were the only ones in the place – it was rather funny.

One of those very swanky places that is total over-kill. I’ll not bother going into it – as it’ll make me sound like a grumpy old man – but when I pay over 4k (+ tax!)for dinner – I don’t expect to leave the restaurant feeling hungry.

Oh it looked very nice – but the ‘see view’ is not really a feature at night – when all you can see is your reflection in the windows. The background music was so quiet that you can hear staff talking and bugs farting. No atmosphere whatsoever.

I wished I lived next door – so it would have meaning when I say I will never return there again.

Like a scene from the Walking Dead.

Final update…

I am no photographer. Never wanna be, never gonna be. When I am out about and see something I want to capture – I’ll snap it with my phone. Maybe I’ll share it with some friends, maybe I’ll recall upon it at a later date when telling a story – but more often than not – I am the only one that will see it.

When I see people walking around with bloody great cameras strapped around their necks – all I see is someone who is saying they need professional equipment to take pictures and post on facebook/snapshat and Instacrap. Dicks.

Since being here – at this lovely hotel, every single Chinese person I have seen is either taking selfies in the pool or setting up major camera equipment to take pictures of their boiled egg. Really?

We watched a couple of clowns in the pool yesterday – posing for ages for the camera. Who do they think they are? Supermodels they are not. The pictures they took (when they could have been relaxing) will no doubt end up on facebook – in a bid to convince everyone they are having a great time in a wonderful place. In reality, they are painstakingly using up all their time trying to get a photo while waiting for other people to move out of the background shot. – Dicks.

I know I sound like an old bastard when I say this – but why is it people are so dependent on their smartphones? I sit at dinner and talk to whoever I am with. I now see a table of four or more and each one is glued to their smartphone. – Dicks.

Moving on…

Last night was the last night of our little getaway. – We headed into Patong to give it one last chance to impress us.

Opinion unchained. The place is still a shithole.

For 100bht, you can have your photo take with her.

Chatting with the driver – he was telling us how the place is just overrun with Chinese. The Chinese are not big drinkers either, but they do eat. So most of the establishments are now restaurants rather than bars. Sign of the times.

If you’re thinking of starting a business here – forget the bars. Don’t even bother with a restaurant. If you want a business idea – open up a camera accessory shop. Instant success.

I’m a Westerner…. Get me out of here.

Happy (for some) Songkran

Since laying my hat in Thailand many moons ago, claiming it to be my home, I have managed to avoid more than 10 years of Songkran. I did get caught one time – but tended to stay in the safety of the bar.

If memory serves me correct – I had some Scando backpacker train his water gun on me and just before he could fire, I told him where that gun was going to end up if he got me wet.

I have nothing against the Thai’s celebrating. It’s their celebration, its their culture, it’s their time. I do however take issue with all those farang pricks who take it to the extreme of wearing their combat fatigues and carrying a massive water gun – with the sole purpose of drenching as many girls as possible. Dicks.

The main reason I don’t like Songkran though – is that it brings out the worst in many people. They see it as acceptable to drink in excess and don’t act responsibly. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve done that plenty myself, but I I haven’t got wasted and then driven a loaf of passengers in a Mini Van – and killing them all.

How many people have died this Songkran? Have you seen the Thai news? It’s a terrible waste of life at what should be a happy time. Miss Tim has gone to see her family Songkran and it’s a totally different scene in Ratchaburi. A few splashes here and there, some sitting around a table, eating and drinking. All very civilised and all are happy and enjoying themselves. Not one death in the village.

Thankfully it shall all be over by the time I arrive next week. I am off to Dubai for a weekend and then into Bangkok to meet up with the Rats. After looking at all the hotel options that were given to me – I was spoiled for choice. I couldn’t decide between Soi 4 area or soi 20. In the end, I decided on the Landmark. Not a bad location.

As per usual – I arrive at 7am, so it’s straight out to the Queen Vic for breakfast with the chaps so we can plan the days ahead. Hmmm…. we’ve not done a Pattaya in 12 for a while……..

Couple of places worth a mention….

Coming back to Thailand after being away for a month – there is always a need to spend a little time with the Rats in Bangkok. Kicking off in Soi 4.

Anyone noticed what a craphole soi 4 is these days?  The place looks like a building site.  Oh I am sure in a few years there will be some nice buildings spattered down the soi – but the road itself, the sidewalks, the telegraph poles, pot holes street and vendors will still be there.

The rendezvous point with the Rats was Hooters.  This is becoming a bit of a hub to meet at – mainly due to the people watching opportunities.

Monday afternoon saw the rats meet up at 2pm.   Bottle of GG ordered.  For the 3600 you get the mixers thrown in.  All well and good, but why is it they display everything out on your table?  I don’t want 6 cans and a big bucket of ice sitting in the sun for the next few hours.  Please – just leave it in the fridge.  I lost count of the times we had to ask for the jug of water to be replaced with a jug of ice.

Wasn’t really paying much attention, but Hooters is pretty expensive – food wise.  Don’t get me wrong, the food is o.k – typical American style chicken wings and the like – but come on… waaaay too expensive for what it is.

The Hooters girls still break out into a little dance every now and then, but you can see the enthusiasm has long gone.   Not too many punters in – so doesn’t make for a great atmosphere.   Maybe they should try slashing their prices and get the place packed out. Speculate to accumulate and all that..   Or an even better idea – relaunch the loyalty cards they gave out when it first opened – basts.

Magnum P.I had let himself go….

After polishing off the bottle of Grey Goose – we did the usual rounds.  Big Dogs, Morning Night, Soi 22, Nana blah blah…  you all know the places.

There were a few places that were new to me – so thought I’d give them a mention.   In no particular order…

Penalty Spot

Some pals and I stopped off here a couple times during our Bangkok visit.  Never really been on our radar as it’s full of old bastards.  Turns out that we are also old bastards so fitted right in.

Took a seat outside which for us was perfect.  Bit of privacy out there  so no one could hear us taking the piss out of everyone with our obnoxious drunken talking.  Pretty nice place to be fair.  Food was good too.  Recommend the goulash!

They have girls working there which I guess are Freelancers?   I did notice one of the waitresses come over to us and tried to get us to buy her a drink.  Sorry, but if we’re going to buy you a drink, you have to have done something to deserve it.

Kiwi Bar – Soi 8

Being a first time Kiwi Bar patron, I am having mixed views.    First let me say the service staff do a great job – and the bar itself is nice and professional looking.

However,  Tuesday night is ‘free bbq night’.  We didn’t know this as there were no balloons outside.  That didn’t matter, the freeloaders knew – and they were out in numbers.

It is a great gesture from a bar to lay on free food and I don’t think the general public know what goes into it.  It’s not just a chance for the bar to get rid of the food that’s almost out of date.  I am not going to go into it – but putting on a spread costs money.  From the food, the staff, the plastic knives/forks etc…  it all has a cost.

I just hope the people who were shoveling the free food down their mouths were leaving good tips.   I doubt it though.

The problem with giving away free food – is the kind of people it attracts.  I am not talking about poor people, who we can cut them some slack.  I am talking about the people who want something for nothing and binge on it.   We saw one guy on his second plate – piling it up like it was some kind of gameshow task.   I’d have loved to have pulled him aside and asked why he needs to overly large platefuls of food. Ask yourself this – “if it wasn’t free –  would you have still eaten it”?

This guy was a greedy fat bastard.  I can only assume there was MacDonalds somewhere that also gives away free food?

We paid up, left a tip – Lomeo made sure of tipping our service girl direct and thanking her for the good service.   We were offered a visit to the bbq which we thanked them for but declined. We then headed to Monsoon for some dinner.

Monsoon – Soi 8

It’s not often we have sat in a bar/restaurant and said ‘this place is getting better’. Usually, the best a bar looks is on its opening night.  From then on Its run into the ground until its sold on or refitted.

The Monsoon however, seems to be looking nicer each time we go.  Has it been refitted recently?  Or are they just taking good care of it and making subtle improvements?  The food is great, the service is really good and it’s a nice place to be.

One thing we noticed, was the Chefs/kitchen staff working in almost silence .  They worked we together and from what we could tell, were very efficient.  It’s rare to see a place working this well these days.  That is, in a restaurant that doesn’t cost an arm and a leg to eat in.

Of course,  our time in Bangkok was not just spent sitting around and stuffing our faces. Well,  a lot of it was, but there was the darker side too.

Now, if only I could remember what we got upto?

I’ll have a think.

Carry on…