Phuk This – Final Update…..

Week 2 into my month off – Miss Tim and I headed for Phuket. It’s been quite a few years since the last visit and couldn’t really remember too much about it.

Is there a reason neither Sticks ever mention Phuket?

After a few days in Bangkok (more on that at a later date) we were ready for some R&R.

The Kalima Resort was the accommodation of choice. Not too far from Patong Beach.

The resort is pretty nice. Lovely views over the sea – infinity pool and nice rooms. All the things you’d expect from a nice place.

What we didn’t expect was the occupancy seems to be 80% Chinese! They are now everywhere. They seem to have taken the planet by storm. I guess I just hate all people. As I get annoyed when they all descend on the pool – talking (shouting) at each other and taking selfies everywhere. Seriously.. they never put their phones down.

And what’s with tattoos these days? I don’t mean an ‘inked-up’ arm or lower back tatt… I am talking about the most hideous front thigh tattoo – a greeny blue stupid image on a big fat white leg?! Some fat skank had tattoos on the thigh front and back – but we had no idea what the tattoo was of? Maybe it was a pet she loved and lost – so thought she’d have a picture inked onto her leg. – Of how the dog looked after is was hit by several cars.

I must say that the Chinese must have amazing motabalisms. They all seem to be relatively small – so how on earth are they able to demolish the breakfast buffet with such militarily precision.
Once again, I just sit and dream about a time when I can sit in my own planet – with no one around to piss me off.

A few days kicking around the resort – saw us head into the town. Bit of day time perusal of the large shopping mall. – And what shit it is. Every shop seems to be selling the same old tat. And it is tat. The usual crap that you’ll see all over Bangkok, but at twice the price.
Everything here seems expensive. And when I say expensive, it’s still not expensive as other places in the world, but compared to Bangkok and Hua Hin, it is more expensive here.

Into the bars – Bangla road looks a mess. Very similar to Pattaya Walking Street. In the daytime it’s just a hot mess with cables, garbage bins and noodle stalls everywhere. The darkness is a warm welcome as it hides much of this pig-sty.

We hit a few bars – and were consistently served Vodka with some flat coke. The bars all seemed old, which matched the age of the staff. Not much fun or atmosphere. A couple of the bars which are expat owned had their loyal friends propped at the bar. Older guys, faded tattoos, overweight with cheap jewelry trying to convince themselves they are living the dream. They stay in the same chair all night – talking pigeon English telling lies to hookers. Tossers. If I ever end up like that – shoot me.

The street itself is closed off from traffic around 7pm – and it’s then a ‘walking street’. People watching being a interesting pastime for us – we couldn’t help but notice the majority of the tourists here are Chinese, followed by Scandos and Arabs. Not seeing many Americans/Brits.

I assume that for many of the tourists – Phuket is the only experience of Thailand for many people. That can only be the reason why people flock towards a few LB’s who are dressed up in some theatrical frocks. Here the ‘3 lads’ stand together and charge 100bht to have their photo taken with you.

Really? 100bht for a photo of an LB?

Cheaper in Nana….

Jonas knows an LB who will suck you off for an extra 100bht.

We stuck it out – and in no time at all we were drunk. Five hours of bar hopping was enough and it was time to head home. The 2km back to the hotel is mainly uphill – so phuk that, we’re getting a cab. The 7 minute journey costs 300bht. Again, can’t help but feel we are being ripped off.

Speaking of the traffic – it’s nice to see that everyone wears a crash helmet. Although, with the amount of traffic there is here, I don’t think it’s possible to go fast enough to get hurt in a crash.

Another few days left before heading back to HH. If I am honest, I think I’d have preferred to stay home that visit this shithole. The hotel is great and the staff are really nice. The room, view, pool fantastic. Phuket though – seems a bit lowerclass scumbaggy for my liking.

Of course – there are many other parts of Phuket – but as I didn’t fancy renting a car or bike, we are limited to a smaller radius.

Tomorrow we shall head to the beach and see if we can get ripped off by assholes renting out jet-skis.

** Updates….

Went for a little stroll in the hood yesterday. Stopped off at a little beach front cafe.

Pina Colada & Water Melon juice…. 700bht. Plus the obligatory service charge and tax which is 17% on top.

I would happily pay that – if it was worth it. But it was shite!

For 700bht, I’d expect 500 change.

Later on… we went on another stroll and came across a nice looking restaurant called the ‘White Box’. Went in and was asked if we had a reservation. That’s a normal question to be asked when there are customers – but as we were the only ones in the place – it was rather funny.

One of those very swanky places that is total over-kill. I’ll not bother going into it – as it’ll make me sound like a grumpy old man – but when I pay over 4k (+ tax!)for dinner – I don’t expect to leave the restaurant feeling hungry.

Oh it looked very nice – but the ‘see view’ is not really a feature at night – when all you can see is your reflection in the windows. The background music was so quiet that you can hear staff talking and bugs farting. No atmosphere whatsoever.

I wished I lived next door – so it would have meaning when I say I will never return there again.

Like a scene from the Walking Dead.

Final update…

I am no photographer. Never wanna be, never gonna be. When I am out about and see something I want to capture – I’ll snap it with my phone. Maybe I’ll share it with some friends, maybe I’ll recall upon it at a later date when telling a story – but more often than not – I am the only one that will see it.

When I see people walking around with bloody great cameras strapped around their necks – all I see is someone who is saying they need professional equipment to take pictures and post on facebook/snapshat and Instacrap. Dicks.

Since being here – at this lovely hotel, every single Chinese person I have seen is either taking selfies in the pool or setting up major camera equipment to take pictures of their boiled egg. Really?

We watched a couple of clowns in the pool yesterday – posing for ages for the camera. Who do they think they are? Supermodels they are not. The pictures they took (when they could have been relaxing) will no doubt end up on facebook – in a bid to convince everyone they are having a great time in a wonderful place. In reality, they are painstakingly using up all their time trying to get a photo while waiting for other people to move out of the background shot. – Dicks.

I know I sound like an old bastard when I say this – but why is it people are so dependent on their smartphones? I sit at dinner and talk to whoever I am with. I now see a table of four or more and each one is glued to their smartphone. – Dicks.

Moving on…

Last night was the last night of our little getaway. – We headed into Patong to give it one last chance to impress us.

Opinion unchained. The place is still a shithole.

For 100bht, you can have your photo take with her.

Chatting with the driver – he was telling us how the place is just overrun with Chinese. The Chinese are not big drinkers either, but they do eat. So most of the establishments are now restaurants rather than bars. Sign of the times.

If you’re thinking of starting a business here – forget the bars. Don’t even bother with a restaurant. If you want a business idea – open up a camera accessory shop. Instant success.

I’m a Westerner…. Get me out of here.

8 thoughts on “Phuk This – Final Update…..”

  1. I’d never gone south aside from Koh Chang. From what I had read and heard it seemed to me exactly as you’ve found. Actually that’s kinda why I don’t care for much more than about 48 hrs of Patts per visit. Good reporting, carry on!

  2. Hey G.
    Never been there and never had the urge even to check it out for the exact reasons that you mentioned.
    The LadyBoy on the left…fuck me, is there a Thai Victor Frankenstein and has he just unleashed his creature? Pay for a pic like that!?…me no think so…
    Rock on,

  3. If there’s one place in Thailamd you should never hire a jetski it’s HKT. You’ve been warned.

  4. And another thing….

    What is it with these fucking animals that eat food with their mouths open?

    Breakfast here is like feeding time at the zoo.

    I am not a posh person, but I know about table manners. Hell, it reminds me of when I used to help feed the horses at our stables when I was a kid.

  5. And why is it…. the Chinese MEN carry Clutch handbags/ purses?

    Not like a man-bag. I have one of those for carrying man-stuff like bits of engine and chewing tobacco. These guys are carrying women’s purses. What’s up with that??

  6. “or setting up major camera equipment to take pictures of their boiled egg.”

    Hahaha, thanks Graham, that gave me a good laugh.

  7. Was there twice in 2001. Was not that impressed. Was already known as the most expensive place in Thailand.
    I’ve met plenty of girls in Pattaya who have made a run in Phuket, thinking the most expensive place would lead to bigger money. They always come back, same old shit i guess.

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