Quiet afternoon on soi 4

A week after Pattaya, we decided to regroup in Soi 4.    Hooters.

Has Hooters lost it’s appeal?  Didn’t seem so interesting this time for some reason.    After a few drinks, we usually opt for a bottle, but this time we just couldn’t see ourselves being there long enough.

Bubba and I were sinking a few Vodkas, talking about how the Hooters girls of gone from lovely looking girls with big hooters, to weathered girls with big tattoos – when we were approached by what I can only describe as a trainee Terminator.  It was Flank.   Dressed in black.  Black clothes, black tattoos, black jewellery and black eyes.

Frank has seen the sun beaming off my bald head over at Big Dogs, so he and his gf came and joined us.   Not long after, GM turned up with another pal.

A number of drinks were slung down our necks,  but not before we had the chance to purchase 13 pairs of sunglasses and a new iPhone 9 from the street vendors.   Oh, and a couple of Dildos for Lomeo and Jonas.

black… I want them all black…

With a few of us in tow, it was only right to go to another bar which doesn’t issue discount cards and then revoke them a few weeks after.

I don’t know the name of it – but there is a new(ish) bar on the corner just past Hanrahans.    A little quirky even.

We piled in there – filling the place up.  Tables together and started ordering booze.  Being a small bar – the speakers were right in our ears which was less than pleasing for me.   Flank wasn’t complaining and starting playing air guitar or air drums. I can’t remember which.

Not a bad little bar really.   A couple of staff were loitering around but not making a nuisance of themselves.  The only thing that put me off the bar was the stools.  They were that cheap metal crap.  Reminded me of garden furniture.  Not comfy at all.

However, it wasn’t a bad little bar and the only reason we moved on was to get a change of scenery.    After Flank put his air instruments away we headed to Witches and Wenches – or something like that?  It used to be the 7/11 opposite the old Mango soi.

Upon arrival I received a ‘Whaaaaaaa….. Khun Gray-ham’.   – So I guess I knew her?

Once inside, tables were pulled together and menus shoved in our faces.   A few more girls came over and said hello – and asked where Miss Tim is.    Odd.  Who are these girls?

Well, it turns out there were a few of the old Mango staff now working there.   I remembered one – but not the others that she pointed out.  Not that I am saying they didn’t work for me, I just didn’t remember.

I always said those girls wouldn’t go far – and I was right.   They went about 100 meters.

The bar has a long roadside bar/bench for a bit of people watching that is always good.   We had too many of us to sit in a line – so the roadside bench was taken up with all the girls.   Sitting under the big sign that say ‘Witches & Wenches’. I wasn’t sure if that was the name of the bar or a description of the girls.

It’s a pity.  Nice new bar.   Everything looking nice and out of place in Soi 4 – and it’s spoiled by having a load of hogs stink the place up.   Still,   some people like that I guess?

It wasn’t bad in there.  And I must say I’d rather sit in a new, clean, tidy bar than an old stinky run down bar.   So we stayed there instead of going into the Tavern.

Franks hero is Simon Cowell

With Soi 4 undergoing a bit of redevelopment lately – we thought we’d stay with the theme of new bars – and headed to the new Hilary Bar.    Now, I am not a fan of Hilary Bar.   GM is a big fan for some reason unknown to me?

He claims he goes to see the band.  Having heard the band, I can’t say I am a fan.  In fact, I’d rather listen to Flanks air guitar than the Hilary Band.

Anyway, into the new bar we went.  Again, nice an new – and pretty nice.  It’s a bit out of the way to get any people watching going on – but then I guess this is a bar for drinkers.

There were a few Freelancers dotted about the place but you’d not go there if you were looking for a girl.

One girl asked me if I wanted to play a game.  Be that pool, jenga or something out of SAW.   I knew whatever it is she was challenging me to, I’d lose.  Thanks but no thanks.

Nice bar, but then I am sure Hilary 2 was a nice bar when that 1st opened up?   I am sure it’ll be a shit hole this time next year.

Lots of bars now are stocking Grey Goose.  This is a good thing.  I think.   Although, it just means I end up drinking more than I should.

From Hilary 19 or whatever it’s called went for a little walk along soi 4 – to Big Dogs.    Just like the previous bar, the name described the workers.   But we were not there for that.

The only place to sit in B.D is the corner.  You get a good view of the street.  Can’t say we were too impressed by the service or the drinks – so after half hour or so we decided to head to Soi 22 and visit an old fave of our – ‘Too Easy Bar’.

Too Easy is a little bar – with friendly staff.   They know us.   And the ones that didn’t know us, didn’t take long to get to know us.   We have a philosophy that if a girl wants a drink, then they have to earn it.  So they did.

Like many bars – trying to please customers with your music is never easy.   The only thing to do is hook up a computer and put youtube on.   The only problem to have then – is that Frank might one day turn up and select a load of Heavy Rocker Punk Screaming of some kind.   It wasn’t long before he pulled his Air instruments out of his pocket and started performing.

Good quality drinks and good measures.  Always good in there.

Time was cracking on and about 6pm saw us wanting to stuff our faces.    Franks performance was cut short and we headed over the road to The Penalty Spot.

Food is good in there.  I think?   I always opt for the Goulash soup which is good.  All other food on the menu could be shit for all I know?

After a feeding, we were starting to sober up and someone suggested a nap.   It may have been me?   But no a nap – which leads to sleeping until the morning.  No, we needed to recharge and then head out.

Only one thing for it……. Pattaya!

Those aboard that are coming aboard…….

My Driver was not far away, so the plan was to pick us up at the hotel at 19:30.   We could have a little nap in the car and be good to go around 21:30.   3-4 hours in Patts should be enough.

What could possibly go wrong?

Another Pattaya in 12……

It had been a while since we did a Pattaya run.    Think it was last year?  Five of us went – and four came back.  That was a good trip.

With Lomeo out of action for the month, it was up to Bubba, GM and myself to head to Patts to see if everything is still ok there.

The plan was to meet at Mullis for lunch and then head off around 1pm.     What’s the deal with Mullis?  It’s always busy.  No matter what time of the day – there are people there.   Which makes me wonder why the staff are not very good at dealing with customers.   The girl serving us had a right face on her. I thought we were lucky to make it out of there alive.

1pm on the dot – we were on the road.  I have a regular driver who I always use for BKK/Patts/HH runs.  Even he remembered the last trip – noting that we lost one guy.  I felt a bit bad, as this guy will be waiting around until 2pm for us – knowing that we’ll be in a right drunken state when he picks us up.

Traffic was good and we were there in no time.     Only held up as we watched the aftermath of a car/pick up crash in the road.   It was odd.. as we could clearly see all the Buddha stuff dangling down from the rear view mirrors of the mangled cars.  I guess their good luck wasn’t working that day?

Where to go in Patts on a Saturday afternoon?   Well,  old ‘Pattayaman’ who knows everything said not to bother with soi 6 as it doesn’t open until 6pm.    As he is an idiot – we got dropped off in soi 6 around 3pm.   It was heaving!

Some new bars have opened up – or some old bars have had a lick of paint?   It’s was quite lively and there was a good buzz about the place.

As per usual… the first thing you do is walk from one end of the road the other and then walk back.

There was a time when soi 6 was scary and full of horrors. Not anymore.   It’s pretty tame and many of the girls are good looking – compared to the trolls that used to be there when not guarding a bridge.

One thing I noticed was that most bars we went in – all stocked Grey Goose Vodka.  A good improvement on last year.  Some of the Vodkas tasted like paint-stripper.

We stumbled across quite a few bars which were pretty good.  Many of the bars have themes and the girls in uniforms.    Why don’t they do that in Nana?   The closest I have seen to a uniform in soi 4 is all the staff in the Hilary Bar with a T-shirt saying  ‘I love Meow’!

Moving on…  we could have stayed in Soi 6 all night.  There are plenty of bars and plenty of girls to keep you entertained.

There is a bar – without the hard-sell girls, (just service staff) called Scooters.    British theme – a Vespa in the corner, pretty decent décor and good music.   This had to be one of the more popular bars by far.   Even without girls.

We must have stopped in half a dozen bars.  Each one had many good looking girls who were all full of life and chatty.  Thinking back,  I don’t recall any of them glued to their iPhone.

I should have made a note of the bar names, but lets be honest, do you look a the name of the bar or do you look at the girls outside the bar?    They’re all very similar and each one was pretty much on par with the other.    Soi 6 has definitely improved over the years.

Another bar we had a few drinks at was on Beach Road.  You know the type.  The big beach bars which just sell booze in large quantities.   Looking at the customers – it is a place where people just sit and get tanked up. Many people on their own drinking.    If I ever end up like that, someone kill me.

Now, with most bars which are ‘road-side’ – you’ll have people approach you trying to sell crap.   Jeez… I’ve seen so many. I don’t think 3 minutes passed without being pestered to buy some crap.    It was a first for me to see though – when a guy pulled up on his motorcycle/sidecar with a load of food.  He carried a tray of what looked like deep fried mice and walked around the bar trying to sell them.   What’s next?   An Ice-cream van reverse into the bar?  A Butcher slaughtering a cow in the corner?

With plenty of booze poured down our necks – it was getting dark so we decided to hit the streets and head to LK Metro.   It had been a while.

Time has not been kind to LK Metro.  Specifically the quality of girls working there.

I can’t remember the names of the gogo’s, but we went in all the usual big ones.     I can’t say I was impressed.

What is it with the tattoos and piercings?   One bar was full of heavily tattooed girls with loads of shit in their faces (piercings).   It’s not my cup of tea.   It looked like the cast of Sons of Anarchy dancing on a pole in the bar from Dusk til Dawn.  Monsters – the lot of them.     10 years ago – you’d expect these horrors to be beating you up on Soi 6.  Now, they’re on a pole and the normal girls are on soi 6.

Quality of pole dancers has gone down the crapper

Having been on the Grey Goose vodka for most of the day, you kind of get used to the taste – or how it should taste.   So in one bar when a vodka arrived that tasted like paint stripper – I knew it wasn’t right.   Fook knows what it was?  The cheapest nastiest fluid ever to carry the Vodka label that’s for sure.

I couldn’t drink it.   But then  I had probably had enough.  It was by then I was feeling pretty drunk and had to make my way to the toilets where I proceeded to vomit.

Being the type of person I am – I tend to clean everything up when I throw up.   That toilet cubicle has never looked so clean after I had finished with it.

I wasn’t sure what made me throw up.  I’d like to think it was the amount of booze I had thrown down my neck.  If not, it was the sight of all the ugly Rocky horror show rejects that were prancing around on stage.  Or the shit vodka?

From LK we headed to Walking Street.

Anyone been there lately?  It’s turning into Bangla Road.  Full of Tourists (and why not?) – but the holiday type of Tourists, not the party type (if that makes sense?).

Where there are Tourists – there are people selling crap to Tourists.  Sunglasses, wooden frogs, DVD’s, Maps of Thailand, fake watches and Dildos.

After buying a few Dildos for Lomeo and Jonas – we headed (I think) into Soi Diamond.    Can’t remember the name of the bar?    It was pretty dire if I remember.  By that time of night I think we were all past our peak and the thought of food and a nap was more appealing than have some scantily clad girl slap us with a foam tube.

We were done.

It was around 1am when my Driver pulled up outside Kentucky Fried McBurger King.

The journey back to Bangkok took less than 10 minutes.   Well, that about as much as we remember of the journey.

To sum it up…  yeah it was a good time.  We’ve had better – but we’ve also had a lot worse.

For future trips I think I’ll give LK & Walking Street a miss. Too busy and too many weirdo skanks.

I’d keep to the Soi’s off Beach Road.   You could easily  spend a whole night on soi 6.

But the main thing I will take away from that trip – is the price.  Pattaya is soooo much cheaper than Bangkok.  For the 1st time ever I arrived home with a  pile of cash in my pocket.   – and Dildo.

Smokey and the BKKPD

Those (smokers) of you familiar with Bangkok, specifically Soi 4 will be aware of the Cigarette Police who slap you with a 2000bht fine if you chuck your Butt on the floor and stamp it out.

Police have even been known to follow a smoker if they see them walking down the street. It’s easy money. I am sure all Fines go into the system and not into their pockets. I am sure of that… I really, really am….

I am not a smoker – and if I am honest, I think all smokers are selfish twats. Those that come and smoke all over me when I am eating or breathing that is.

But, putting my hatred aside I am going to reveal how smokers could get one-up on the Cops.

The other day I spotted the ‘Portable Ashtray’! It’s on a keyring which is handy. Just loop that through your jeans. Unless you’re an American and there is no room on your jeans as you have a cell phone holder strapped to them.

And there is more… why don’t the street vendors sell these? Instead of ‘Gob stopper man’ selling those stupid oversized Zippo lighters – he could sell these instead. The best part  is that as he’s knocking on a bit,  all he has to do is sit himself outside the Police booth and wait for the Cops to bring him customers.

After all, after just paying out 2000bht to the Cops ‘fund’ – shelling out 50bht on this little beauty would be a worthwhile investment.

Pool Playing….

My month off has now come to an end.   Phew.  Glad to get back to work.  It’s been a somewhat busy month.     Now,  I know this will come as a shock to many people – but I have a few things I am not best pleased about with my time in Thailand.  Instead of one long whinge where I tell how various people need punching in the face – I’ll break it all down into smaller little tales.

Starting off with Pool players….

First of all – if you’re a pool player who thinks they are good.  Let me tell you this now.  You’re not.  You maybe against your pal – but against a seasoned bar-girl.  You can’t play for shit.

For those of you that have been in or visiting Thailand before girls were glued to their phones, the place to be was Gullivers on Soi 5.  With the pool tables at the back occupied by freelancers.  Put your name on the board and the winner stays on.  It was VERY rare to see a Farrang to beat a girl.

More often than not, the girls looked pretty hot in their tight jeans, bending over the tables.   This was their business.  Putting themselves on display.  Some girls use the pole.  These girls used a cue.

Now here is the thing, many afternoons I’d hang out there for a drink and watch guys challenge for a game of pool.  These guys would never talk to the girl.  Never smile.  Never joke.  Certainly not buy the girl a drink.   No.  They would treat each game like it was the most important game in the world.  These guys actually thought they could impress a girl with their pool skills!!.  DICKS.

The pool table is a great tool in which to meet a girl, strike up a conversation and have a laugh with someone you’ve never met before.  Why these people didn’t see that is beyond me?

This is all over Thailand.  For some reason – when a guy is on a pool table, he thinks he is the best in the world and people are impressed.  They’re not.     How many of us have witnessed a guy playing pool – who will suddenly start swinging the pool cue around thinking he is some kind of ninja?   Again, is this something that is supposed to be impressive?   I have no time for these idiots.

To me.. Pool is a GAME.  That is why you PLAY it.   It’s supposed to be fun.

So imagine my need to punch people in the face when I visited a friend of a friends little bar in soi 94 in Hua Hin.  It’s a small shop front bar with a pool table.     As I sat there with Miss Tim and a few pals having a drink, various people arrived – carrying their own Pool Cues.     Why?     Why actually go to the effort of buying a cue and carrying it to a bar to play on an average table with average pool balls?

I dismissed this – as they were all of the more ‘mature’ kind of gentlemen.   After an hour of many of them playing pool with each other, it was apparent that 1) no one spoke with each other and 2) they can’t really play very well at all!.   So what’s the point?   Where is the fun?

But why should I get angry about this?  Well,  aside from the miserable basts playing crap pool with their own cues – they all wear one of those little gloves.  The ones with a few fingers missing.   At first I thought the guys were ex -Jakuza, but it turns out they all think they are professional pool players.

Surely – if you and your opponent are both wearing these soppy little gloves then you both are equal as if you were both not wearing the gloves.  Take them off!   At least you wont look so fucking stupid.

This is like going for a bike ride – but wearing a full Tour de France outfit.   Or going ice skating with your pals and wearing the full spandex suite with helmet and goggles.

But maybe I am alone on this.   Maybe it’s just me that gets frustrated – seeing people who think they’re some kind of professional pool player.   Someone who thinks (when playing the bar girls) the girls are impressed?  But mainly, I get annoyed because the bars have pool tables to generate a good atmosphere and a good time.  To create enjoyment for the customers.   Not to have people fed up and angry because they missed a shot or lost a game.

I tell all my newbie friends when they come here  ‘don’t play pool with the girl unless you are o.k with losing’.   These girls play pool EVERYDAY.  While you are at home – with the wife and kids.  When you’re at work or sleeping – they’re probably playing pool.

Use the pool table as a social tool.   A tool which you can use to talk to a girl.  Have a laugh even?

When thinking about it – a girl on a pool table is probably the longest I’ve ever seen one not use their phone.