Right then… where were we? Oh yeah …. I had somehow made it to my room above Scooters.
I have to say, what a great place to stay. 500bht is by far the lowest I have ever paid for a hotel room. It had everything I needed. A bed, A.C and a fridge with cold water. But most of all.. a toilet/shower.
The room was spinning.. How I managed to get undressed and put myself to bed I’ll never know?
Music from the bars outside is really noisy until 2am. It all goes quiet then. If you want to go to sleep earlier than 2am then I suggest you drink 30+ drinks. I must have fallen asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow.
I woke at 7am. One eye opening slightly as I got my bearings and tried to figure out where the hell I was and how I got there. It took a minute and then it all came back.
What I was not prepared for – was how good I was feeling?. I had no hangover. Wasn’t tired and didn’t feel in the slightest a little bit rough. Odd?
It all became clear when I went into the bathroom and saw what looked like a crime scene from Dexter. The vodka/coke and Tequila Rose had left my body at some point when I got to the room and made it’s way to every surface and wall in the bathroom. I must have been in a right state.
Luckily, it’s one of them shower room/toilets – so a quick hose-down and it was clean enough to eat your breakfast off. Speaking of which… time for breakfast.
A little walk along Beach road – to confirm I was o.k and not still drunk.. all was well. Quite pleasant in fact. Off I headed back to Soi 6 (Queen Vic) for some breakfast.
A full English fry up. And why not? It looked good and was crazily cheap.
I must say, the QV seems to have a lot of regulars and/or the staff are outstanding with their Customer Relations. The girls are a little on the ‘mature’ side – but greeted many of the patrons by name, asked what they’d been upto and advised them what to eat and suggested some get some rest etc… It struck me that these girls actually knew/remembered each guest/patron. Very refreshing to see.
After my little stroll and breakfast presented to me – my self assessment of feeling 100% took a beating. The morning after had crept up on me and dealt me a low blow.
The food may have been great – but I couldn’t eat it. I could happily look at it all day, but eating it was impossible. After forcing down the baked beans, I drank my juice and headed back to Scooters to feel sorry for myself. There may have been some light crying.
Without giving detail – I had to visit the toilet, but this time it wasn’t my head in the bowl.
I had to lay in bed for a while. I wasn’t feeling good. Too weak to cry, I just let the tears leave the corner on my eyes as I tried to sleep.
No time for sleeping. I had messaged the boys and we were to meet at Corner Bar at 2pm.
At one point I could hear Rockys trainer ‘Mickey’.. in the corner of the room telling me to get on my feet… ‘one more round’…
Corner Bar 2pm – Sparky, Kiwi Mike and I were on time (ish). Each of us had a bottle of water in hand. Each of us looked like a sorry sack of shit. Each of us were ready to continue the torture.
After poking fun at Sparky – for being sparked out by 9pm the previous night, we decided some food would be a good idea. The food at the Corner Bar was pretty good. We all ordered a variety of things. I ordered some big Yorkshire pudding filled with peas and sausages (I think). Again, I could only manage a few mouthfuls. Things were happening inside me and I needed a toilet visit.
The W.C. here was not the best. – It was a mercy dash back to Scooters to see my good friend the toilet.
Back at Corner Bar 20 mins later and Gamblin Man appeared. Looking a little worse for wear. But then again, he seems to sport this look a lot, so I am not sure if he was feeling rough or on top of the world.
The 1st beverage was out of the way. We looked down the soi and cried a little inside. This was not going to be good. Corner bar was cheap and really good food. Certainly would go back.
Guest House Bar & Restaurant – shite . The deal was – we only went in bars. Restaurants/Café’s are not bars and we should walk past. I offered this little snippet up to the lads – thinking we can bypass this place legitimately… but Kiwi Mike pointed at the ‘Bar’ in the sign. Bastard.
Can’t think of anything good to say about this place – so I’ll not say anything. It was a quick drink and out. It’s more a restaurant.
Saigon Girl. Dark inside… lots of deep red colours. I am guessing the theme is some dingy girlie club in Saigon? There were a couple of old guys already settled into their grove at the bar. We guessed they had been there days. It’d had been at least 30 mins since I had made an emergency download in the toilet… it was time again. I was in pain and my Brothers in Arms were in hysterics. Nothing like support and sympathy from your friends.
As I sat on the toilet.. wondering how my life ended up like this – my ‘friends’ slid cold towels under the door. They thought they were being funny… I thought they were being thoughtful. Love them cold towels me!
King Kong Bar – That describes the staff. Fat cows. Some bars have the outside balcony and some have the glass door you have to go inside. We prefer the outside – so we can at least look at something better looking than some of the hogs in the bars. KK is a bar you want to look out of.
Click Bar. The girls in Click Bar were all over us like a rash. Time was around 15:30 – so I am guessing to the girls… we are ‘breakfast’. Starting to get in the grove and relax a little now. Unfortunately, ‘relaxing’ was the one thing I didn’t want right now and once again had to head to the crapper. Now, it’s not often you’ll ever hear me say ‘that toilet is small’, as I am the one usually complaining that I have to tip-toe at urinals, but the toilet in here was credulously small. I forgot to ask the staff if there was a story behind it?
My Friend You – We sat outside. It was still early, so many of the girls are either not there, stuffing noodles down their faces or applying the war paint to their faces. With us not getting any attention, Kiwi Mike went on a recon mission and checked out the inside of the bar. The report came back that there were beds inside the bar with plastic sheets on them? I wish my bed in Scooters would have the same.
Full Moon – mixed gender bar. Is that the correct name we have to use now? Sorry to say but I needed another toilet run. Everyone will agree that before you sit on a toilet – you check for toilet paper. There was none. I was in a dangerous place. I had two choices. Rummage round the bin and look for the clean B-sides of the paper – or second (and really the only option) was to use some of the many cold towels which I had been collecting in each bar. – this wasn’t my 1st rodeo.
Time for a 7/11 break to get some tablets to plug my arsehole up with. – And wet-wipes.
Z-Bar. Odd bar. We sat down and watch some ritual where girls chucked beer all over the street in front of us. In a certain pattern. They did some sort of prayer and I am sure there was a flower involved too. I asked what all that cobblers was for and she said it was for good luck and to bring customers in. I asked her if she really believed all that? The looked at us – the 4 customers who had just walked in after her little ritual and said yes. She had me. I suggested next they come up with another little ritual that helps them remember 4 drinks orders – as they messed our order up.
Z-Bar – This is an LB bar. Or as Sparky would call it from now on ‘my favourite’. Kiwi Mike once again went off on a secret mission to see what was going on behind closed doors – only to see one of the ‘lads’ carefully tucking and folding himself in such a way that he thought he looked like a woman. – he didn’t. If BIG L.B’s is your thing, then this is the place for you.
I needed another toilet break – but of course…. there were only urinals. Not what I need right now.
We said our goodbyes to Sparky and wished him luck in his new life – but at the last minute he saw sense and followed us out.
Club 6 – This is a little corner bar – which is (co-)owned by a guy called Ken from NYC. A really friendly guy who likes to entertain and host. We got talking. He had no girls in the bar (too early?) but that was fine. It was good to just relax a little.
Ken insisted he bought us a shot – which was good of him, so we hung around a little so we could return the gesture. Ken was quite chatty.. and told us various tales of being a bar owner in Thailand. We didn’t want to burst his bubble and tell him we were veterans of this lark. We told him of our bar-crawl and he was impressed we were still going strong. Even if he was a little concerned that GM, who had been a little quiet all day – looked like hammered dog shit.
One of the tales that Ken told us was of a previous customer that claimed he was going to bang every girl in soi 6. And over the course of 2 weeks.. he screwed every girl in soi 6. At this point I thought Ken must have been drinking more than us. This feat is impossible. How? For starters – what about the bar girls who were busy/sick/eating/whatever when Shagman was there? And if there are say 5 girls in each bar… 60 bars….. 2 weeks… nah… just not possible. I think Ken meant the guy had 1 girl from each bar. However, he was too committed to his story to go back on it.
Like I said we are battle hardened, cynical, ruined, miserable veterans. We said thanks and goodbye.
Lovers Lane – Non de-script bar. Few customers which was good. We could hide from the ugly girls. Drink orders were spot on and served quick. Well done!
Queen Vic (again) – Unbelievable… the one bar I thought would get our drinks correct would be this one. The staff look like they have been there since Thailand was built. Nice staff… but 4 drinks seemed to have confused the shit out of them. We took the drinks anyway and told them not to worry about the mistake. How understanding are we?
Bandidos – This was the one bar we were dreading. Bandidos being the biker bar. Now, I have a Harley at home, so there was me thinking that if we got into trouble, in some pathetic attempt to escape with my life I’d start talking about my V-Rod. None of us were looking forward to entering.
How wrong were we? Shit. This was probably the best bar we went into?! The customers were friendly and the staff were really nice. Lucy Lu – our waitress came and sat down and shot the shit with us. I think we even stayed for a second drink. Let this be a lesson to us all. Don’t be too quick to judge.
Having said that, out the back could have been like a scene from the Titty Twister in Dusk Til Dawn.
Spider Girl – Busy. Big. 4 girls took our order. Why cant one girl take our order? Oh.. so they can get 4 tips – that’s why!
69 Bar – Getting into the groove now. Inside the bar – there were names written on the walls/mirrors with a date next to them. Ring the bell and get your name on the wall. Being surrounded by all these names I guess this is supposed to pressure you into ringing the bell?
What kind of idiots would fall for that?
If anyone goes into the bar – check it out – you’ll see Sparkys name with the date 12th Feb.
Solo Club – There was no bell-ringing in this place. They should change the name to Jurassic Park. We can only assume that this place is where all the bar girls Mothers work.
Happy Days. This is where my notes get vague and garbled. Probably just as well as Happy Days was an LB bar. All I have in my notes is that they were ‘Good crack’. Oh the irony.
Pook – shite. Again, LB’s. My notes tell me (and I remember now) that our shots were only half measure. Did we complain? No, as 1) we didn’t want to be in there longer that we had to and 2) we didn’t want to get beaten up by ladyboys.
Nature bar – Not the best looking girls in the world. Far from it. None of which spoke to us, which I am not recording as a bad thing. Another Tequila Rose and get the hell out.
Jungle bar – Good name for this bar. They were slightly on the ‘large’ side. Another thing we didn’t like was the naff Thai music they were blasting out of the cheap speakers. Seriously, Thai music and fat chicks? Even Kiwi Mike was turned off.
(our next stop was Pizza Slice! Not a bar – but we needed something to take the taste away of Tequila Rose. Pizza by the slice. Not bad too! Certainly worth a look)
Jack Tar – After our pit-stop we ordered some proper drinks. Vodkas, beers and whatever cocktail Kiwi-Mike was into. Drinks arrived with the help of KM. However, one thing we didn’t order, but GM did, Roast Lamb! WTF? There we were, almost at the end of our bar crawl and GM orders a really massive Sunday roast. That was 45 mins out of our schedule. Good lamb though.
Lucky Love – The end is near. Lucky Love bar had girls in cute outfits The best so far. Then again, this was the drunkest we were so far. Opposite Scooters – the Scooter girls waved at us. They knew of our quest and I am sure they were really, really impressed with us. I am sure. Really.
Sandman – Again, my notes letting down here. I have it that the pool table was covered up. Not sure of the significance of that? It was full of people from the U.S of A.
4 play – This was a gogo. The service was rubbish, the TV’s were crap (pixilated) but there was a naked girl dancing. I assumed she worked there? I have in my notes of a ‘Miserable twat’. I remember him now. A right miserable git – staring at the naked girl. Got us thinking what makes this guy happy?!
MJ Kitty – The last bar!! Wahoooo! And it was empty. There were no balloons or banners. I guess they were unaware of our challenge. Instead it was empty – with some LB’s in the back. No fun. Last shot of Tequila Rose (ever) and we called it ‘completion’!
Not so fast….. Dolls was not open the day before when we started. As it was still early, we thought we’d pop back there to complete the list of 60 odd bars.
Packed little gogo-style bar. It has to be one of the most popular bars down here. The staff remembered GM and myself from a few months back. Impressive.
With a Jack Coke down the back of his neck – Kiwi Mike hit the streets in search of some more action. Or to keep bar crawling down the street. Not sure.
Sparky was neck deep in dancing girls in Dolls so GM and I headed back to Scooters. Somewhere safe.
Scooters – 23:00
Coke-Cola for me. Beer for GM. Sparky soon arrived. GM said his farewells. The Scooters girls told me to go to bed as I was dribbling. Sparky was looking for action.
Time for bed.
My driver was picking me up at 6am – heading to the airport. Who’s stupid, stupid idea was this?
Oh, it may have been mine.