Another month done. Time to get back to work (thankfully)

In a few days I shall be heading back to work for another month. Quite looking forward to it.

I’ve pretty much spent the month – relaxing by the pool and cycling around HH and doing little else. I am bored. Sick of this shit.

A round-up of the month…..

My mid-trip to Bangkok was o.k.. but not good enough to make me want to return for another anytime soon. I will visit when I am back from work, but won’t be there for longer than a few days. Too many undesirable people there.

One thing that did stick out to me was how ‘aggressive’ the street beggars were. They didn’t kick-off, but did hold out their plastic cup, give it an angry shake and thrust it in my face, following me as I walked past. They can fuck right off.

But what really wound me up was when I was in Terminal 21. There was some kind of Circus show on the ground floor. Loads of people gathered round to watch. Curiosity got the better of me and I had a look.

I could see performing monkeys. The bastards running the show were getting this poor little monkeys to JUMP THROUGH FLAMING HOOPS. With loads of people watching and cheering. How sick is that?

If I were Dwayne Johnson I would have waded into all of them and shoved them through hoops of fire. Unfortunately I am more likened to Danny Devito – so I just barged past lots of people whilst calling them all a bunch of arseholes.

Back in Hua Hin – I hit the beach and went for a swim in the sea. Beach was clean, water looked clean and no jellyfish so be seen. Then again, I’d rather look at Jelly-fish that some old Scandinavian wearing speedos. Why do they do that? Maybe Jonas can tell us?

4 weeks is enough.

At night – we hit our preferred bars. One of them used to have a Filipino singer who was pretty good. Always drew a good crowd. Unfortunately one of the patrons would get up on the little stage and (attempt to) sing. His wife would obviously clap and cheer. The guy is tone deaf and thinks he is hot shit. That was 2 years ago and last night when I walked into the bar – the old bastard is back here again. After 5 mins – he was on stage knocking out a dreadful noise. Some people just spoil it for everyone else.

The other week – Miss Tim and I bumped into Aum & Yo. Some of you may remember them from the Mango days. Good girls.

We saw them in town – and had a drink. Then another drink.. and so on.

Three hours past our usual staggering home time we ended up in what I can only describe as the secret alley of bars/clubs. Who knew it was there? I’ve been here years and never knew about it. The bars don’t open up until after midnight apparently. Absolutely heaving. Loads of little bars, music pumping and a great atmosphere. If you’re a single bloke… you’d love it!

The secret Alley….

For the 1st time in a long time, we have been out until 4am three times in the last few weeks. I have to remind myself that I am not 21 anymore.

Apart from that, nothing much to report here. Looking forward to getting back to work. I like the thought of speaking to people who have brains. People who understand logic. People who don’t cut me up on roundabouts. People who don’t stand by my table and watch me eat. People who don’t drive their cars along a cycling/jogging path which has a sign saying ‘NO CARS’.


I could go on. I won’t. Getting wound up again.

Better wrap this up now before I get into a rant….

On the plus side.. in January, Frank Bruno is coming to HH to give a little talk. Evening drinks n stuff. I am a boxing fan so should be interesting.

I wonder if he’ll get pissed at all the Thai’s calling him Flank Bluno?

Flank in town.

Another night out in Soi 4 / Plaza

Hitting the streets of soi 4…. It was drizzling with rain. Soi 4 cut a pretty miserable sight.

First up was Hooters. Yes it’s over-priced and the food, well, if you like chicken wings everything deep fried – then you’ll like it.

The main reason I go is because it’s a prime stop to sit and watch the going on of soi 4. There are other bars across the road – but their views are ruined by the street vendors.

Ever wonder how fresh the frying oil is on those street carts? My guess is not very. I know this as I once found out that old staff at the Mango used to sell our ‘old’ oil to the street food sellers. And probably the new oil too. And the cutlery. And anything else that wasn’t nailed down and could fit in their handbags.

But anyway, as it had been raining and the seating area was a little wet – everyone was sitting inside in the dry. I grabbed a roadside view seat and waiting for the service girls to come over and wipe down the table/bar – which they did minutes after I arrived. Perfect.


Straight onto the overpriced Grey Goose and Coke. GamblinMan arrived shortly after me and we had a catch up in-between getting hassled by sun-glass / iPhone / Viagra sellers.

Tip – if you go to Hooters around 6pm when the evening shift arrives – prepare to have to wait around 15 mins to get served. For some reason the new shift has to assemble along the bar whilst a Hooter girl in black sounds off to them.. they all then break out into a dance.

So, while the last shift is hitting the streets having fended off advances from customers, the new shift is dancing around like cheerleaders – the customers are left waving hands in the air trying to get served. At one point there were 3 of us waving our hands in the air. If we had Hooters T-Shirts, I am sure we could have been mistaken as staff.

After a paying for 2 hours for the price of 3 hours – we headed over to the newly fitted out Big Dogs.

Great re-fit! Really good. Excellent use of space. Good layout. The only gripe would be the ugly dogs still serving. Maybe it’s just my personal taste – but I am sure I am not the only person who doesn’t like being surrounded by old fat women in tight dresses?

In Hooters, you have girls with big Hooters. In Big Dogs you get…….

The bar is now at the end wall – where the toilets used to be. I do not envy the builders jobs when demolishing the crappers. That place was horrible. The stench of cheap bleach was not match for the nasties that went on in there.

So where do you go to the toilet? Well, under the Escalators – there are public toilets. Ish. Ish? Well, if you need the toilets and are in Big Dogs, they will give you a key-card which you are to present at the toilets (troll) to gain entry. I don’t understand why? Surely the toilets should be available to everyone? Would the Nana Plaza not encourage everyone and anyone to use the toilets rather than just pee up the wall in the stairwell? It doesn’t make sense to me.

What also doesn’t make sense is the ‘Security’ at Nana. Just what in the fuck is that all about? What is the point of the ‘show’ of checking peoples bags coming into the Plaza? Are we to believe there is actually security protocols in place? I ask this because I was in Big Dogs which I entered from Sukhumvit Road… and I exited Big Dogs inside Nana – using the side entrance/exit. Thus – bypassing the ‘security’ check-point. Really? What is the point?

We ordered a drink and the serving girl who knew GM was also offered one. She then prompted her fat ugly mate to come join us at the table and also hinted at a drink. As soon as I saw her move into the position of attempting to give me a bar-back-massage I stopped her in her tracks. ‘Don’t touch me’. The back Massage does nothing for me. Ugly fat cows touching me does even less. Now, if it were Kate Beckinsale – then bring it on. But sadly it wasn’t.

I asked for a Vodka & Coke which arrived in a tiny little lady drink size tumbler. This is one of my pet hates. It’s was so small that the drink was still pretty transparent as there was so little coke in it. After 2 swigs, it’s gone and tastes foul. I told them for my next drink, I would like it in a tall glass. Of course, the one benefit of drinking quick is that the trogs were not in a position to ask for another as their glasses were still full.

Leaving Big Dogs, and the bar, we thought we’d try the Beer Bars in Nana. I say beer bars, but it’s now just one big bar. Only thing was, there was no seating available. There was outside seating opposite at Pretty Lady (or whatever name they are calling themselves this week). Our intention was to watch people coming in and out of the Plaza. The usual tourists with their farang girlfriends appeared. Walked past with smiles on their faces and then walked back with only the guy smiling and the girl with a face like a smacked arse.

We found it’s more fun in the beer bar than the gogos.

Sitting directly opposite us were a couple of Chinese lads with a bar girl in-between them. She was playing pocket billiards with them… having a good old feel of their nether regions. I think she was trying to figure out who was the smallest?

Time to hit a gogo. The closest one being Lollipop. Not that we are lazy. In we went and what an eye-opener. Have you been? EVERY girl on stage had their phone either tucked in her bra-strap or down their shit-catchers. And they were not small iPhone 5’s either. These were all iPhone pluses and Samsung note thingys. They looked absolutely ridiculous. What on earth is the Manager/Owner playing at, letting them do that? I can only assume they are all volunteer fire-fighters or paramedics on call?

Next up was Diamonds. Owned by old friends, we thought we’d pop into say hello. Much better line up than before – loads of girls. The thing that struck me though is – they have a bunch of girls outside which entice you in. They are even happy for you to stick your head through the curtain and check it all out before committing. But once you are inside, they have the fattest, ugliest trog in Nana come over and take your order and ‘try’ to chat you up to get a drink. Sorry… but this is just an incredible turn-off. At least have one of the human girls keep the customer company while the trog takes the order. Otherwise, your 1st 30 seconds in the bar is spent with a hound and that’s all you are going to remember.

As all I can remember is the fatty serving me… I’ll move onto the next bar.

Bill Board. Heaving as always. I bumped into one of the old Pretty Lady girls who we used to have attending at the Mango Parties. I ended up chatting/drinking with her and didn’t really notice any of the 100’s of scantily clad women dancing around the place. It was that busy that we were asked to stand at tables already occupied by other people. Wasn’t really a problem though. It’s rare to find people in bad moods in good gogo-bars.

We were several drinks in by now. So headed to the gogo upstairs. Butterfly’s? The one with (or used to have) cages? I might be wrong?

Great line up – I think. We were having fun until some (sorry Kevin) American woman (a little on the big side) thought she was hot shit…walking around the place with her glass of wine – ogling at the girls. Why is it all Lesbos think all other girls are attracted to them? Anyway, this one was exceptional, as she has a wad of 20’s which she was screwing up and chucking them on the dance floor. Sorry, but I just think that is plain rude and arrogant. She could have swapped the money for pingpong balls… and was offered that chance more than once.. but oh no, she preferred to screw up the money and chuck it. Horrible… horrible creature.

We got a little tired of each service girl asking for a drink for her and her friend. And her Mamasan , landlord, neighbor, doctor, Auntie, Sister, Cousin, worst enemy, meth dealer and financial advisor so we paid the extortionate bill and left.

It was late so we headed back towards Citrus Suites where I was staying – and picking up GM’s GF & Miss Tim who were somewhere in Soi 4.

Passing Melody UK (or whatever it’s called this week) we bumped into Robin – an old Mango customer. We had a catch up and another drink. My words were now slurred so it was time I headed to my pit.

After navigating through the Chinese tourists at the hotel lobby I made it to my bed.

Soi 4 this time was ‘o.k’. But I was not left with the feeling of wanting to go back any time soon.


‘Beijingkok’ – is what the ‘Sukhumvit’ sign should say which I saw when we pulled off the highway into to Lower Suk.

Chinese tourism is booming!

Last weekend I visited Bangkok. Booked into the Citrus Suites on Suk soi 6. Stayed there a few times since it opened earlier this year.

When arriving – I had to wait for a bunch of Chinese tourists to check-in. Then ask questions. Then ask more questions. Then just hang around for good measure.. and then take a few photos.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not moaning about all Chinese… I have close friends who are Chinese. I work with some exceptional Chinese Engineers… hell, all my trainers are made in China. But when it comes to (young) Chinese tourists… some are a pain in the arse.

It’s not all bad – I mean, if it were not for young Chinese Tourists I am sure Cannon would have stopped making cameras by now.

Breakfast was 06:30-10:00. We went down for feeding at 06:30. Already our ‘friends’ had descended on the buffet. At one point I thought I had entered into a Japanese endurance contest as they piled all the food on the plates and then devoured it making as much noise as they could. Of course, they had to take the usual 20 photos of the food first.

I may have just been in a foul mood – as the people staying in the next room to us seemed to be talking at the tops of their voices most of the night. I could hear every word. I don’t know what the words were.. as it was Chinese.

After a little walk around T-21, tripping over a bunch of idiots who always hesitate before stepping onto the escalator. (Why do they do that?) we headed to Take a Zeed.

Walking along the Skywalk we passed a restaurant ‘Dining in the Dark’.. which made me wonder if the dark restaurant is constantly lit up with camera flashes as people photograph their dinner?

We like ‘Take a Zeed’, it’s a great Thai restaurant. However it was over-run with Chinese. We had to queue. Eventually we got in – and sat very close to a table full of… well, you can guess.

Maybe you can also guess how I handled the eating of my neighbors? I don’t get it. They had a fork. I saw it. All they had to do is lift the fork to their mouths and eat. Easy.

But no[, to hell with eating normally, they put the food on the fork and instead of lifting their forks, they bowed their heads until they almost hit their chins on the table.

At one point I thought they had dispensed of the cutlery altogether and just started sucking the food right off the plate.

I guess it’s just me being odd right? I mean, why should the way other people eat bother me right? Maybe I need to just walk it off?

(I’ll cover the evenings out in another post)

It’s been a while since we were at Lumpini Park – so early Sunday morning we headed along the footpath with stretches from Soi 10 to Lumpini Park. It’s just how I remembered it.

The only people we saw were some young Chinese girls taking early morning photos – standing next to lamp-posts. I guess they call it artistic?

Speaking of art.. a lot of the ground had been written on. At first I thought Rolln and his gang were in town having ripped off a Sharpie store.

Rolln had upped his game….

Lumpini park was packed. It was of course, packed with Chinese! Hundreds if not thousands. Wow.

7am – park was busy

So, the weekend to me was a sure sign that Bangkok/Thailand is a popular destination for the Chinese.

I assume it won’t be long before all the accommodation signs will be in Chinese. Staff will be speaking Chinese and food will be… still rice with everything.

Maybe it’s not such a bad thing? I’ve never known the Chinese to be aggressive or abusive. No, quite the opposite. Can you imagine what Bangkok would be like if, instead of Chinese they were Nigerians or Russian? Or Middle Eastern?

I was glad when I arrived back in Hua Hin – back with all the old wrinkly Scandinavians walking around in Speedos. Reminds me of Jonas.

Safety First….

I could spend all day bitching and moaning about what I see on the roads here each day.   What’s the point.

The drivers/riders on the road are idiots and I would happily argue this with anyone and everyone.  Total fucking idiots.   From carrying babies, to 5 people on the back, on their phones, no helmets and the latest peeve of having no lights.   Really,  how much is a tail light bulb? 50bht?

I was this fool on a bike yesterday.  His jacked said ‘Safety First’ which leads me to believe he works for a Company that that has Western influence and preaches to the employees about safety.  He has probably even had some kind of safety training.

So it makes me shake my head when I see this guy with his ‘safety first’ patch on his back riding along with a hard hat on his head.    Does he think this is a sufficient crash helmet?  Does he think it will stay on his head if he were to crash?  The only thing that hat is protecting him from at the moment – is bird shit landing on his head.

Why do I care so much?  Well, I am thinking of all the other services that have to clear up the mess when these pricks end up under a truck (driven by a drunken idiot).

The ambulances, police, hospitals…  I wonder how much time/money they are spending cleaning up these people who could have prevented the situations by using half their brain?

Now I have that off my chest… I am heading to Bangkok.  It’s raining, so that means traffic will be bad – because people still drive as fast as they can and as close as they can to the car in front.   I am sure I will see many cars that have crashed on the way.  I just hope I am not in one of them.

Hooters here I come…..


More frustrations….

As I am away for 6 months of the year – Miss Tim has a couple of cats to keep her company.  As much as I try to encourage her to shack up with some Juan or Pedro to help share the shoe bill, she insists the cats are all she needs as company.

But no ordinary cats.  These are Persian. They were not cheap.  They’re not like normal cats.  They don’t like fish.  They don’t like cat food.  They don’t like milk. They don’t like me.

A few times a year their fur coat gets so long – that we take them to the local Groomers to give them a little pampering and a hair cut.    We tell the Groomer – ‘just a little trim’ only to find out that 5 hours later when we come to collect them, they’ve been shaved.

Happy Cats

We were not happy.  Neither were the mogs.

It’s now that time of year where they are hairy.  Too hairy.  So we phoned around Hua Hin for the Pet people – who offer a Grooming service.

The 1st one said the Groomer will not be in until tomorrow – so they will call back and give us a time.

When they called, I told Miss Tim to confirm they cut hair and not just shave.  ‘We shave/clipper’.

Really?  You need a ‘Groomer’ for that?  I can do that myself.

Calling these people ‘Groomers’ is the equivalent of calling a Military head shaver a ‘hair-stylist’.

We called around 3 or four ‘Groomers’ – all claiming to be experts, but only shave.

I tried to explain to Miss Tim that these people are useless fucking idiots. There are proper Groomers – and these people are not.  Typical fucking Thailand.  Selling a service which is not what it should be.

Not a happy cat

I was all  set to drive the little fury bastards to Bangkok when I stumbled across a ‘Dog Groomer’ – which had photos of cats in the window.     In we went and could not have been more pleased.  This place actually had photos of all the cats they had ‘Groomed’.

Perfect.  All booked in for tomorrow.

It ended well, but for the most part of the day I was in a fit of rage at having all these places who claim to be Groomers tell me they just shave the felines.  I wanted to punch them all in the face.

For many people they just say ‘This is Thailand’.  Well for me,  This is Incompetence’ and I am sick of it.

I am now struggling to see what the attraction of Thailand is.   It’s just shit.









Didn’t take long….

Well, that took all of 2 days before I am wound up and hating the world.  And when I say ‘world’… I mean the idiots in Thailand.

Can I get in trouble for saying Thai people are stupid?  No, not all.. but the ones that race past me on a motorbike with no crash helmet.  Yes you…. you are stupid.

Why should I care right?  Because I think of the people that are affected if some twat without a helmet has a crash.  The person they hit or got hit by will be worse off than if the idiot wore a helmet.  What might have been a fender-bender, could instead be a death. All because fuck-face thought they were too good to wear a helmet.

I like being 1st at the traffic lights.  When some fool in a car behind me is flashing his lights for me to get out of the way.  Even though there is a sign (in Thai) that says you must wait to turn left – these fools still think all Left turns are o.k on a red.

Another thing that annoys me…  when following a pick-up truck,  why is it they slow down to a snails pace when going over a speed ramp?

Anybody that has been to a Thai cinema will know that a D-Max can race up a mounting, saving the water supply to a village whist drinking a bottle of ice-cold Pepsi.

Yet when it comes to a little tiny speed bump… they have to crawl over it.  Dicks.

Unlike Stickman who couldn’t hack it in the real world and had to come back,  I can’t hack it in this world.   I have been putting all my pieces into place.  In a year or so I shall make the move back.  The move back to normality.

Yes, you could say that Farangland is expensive and the politics are mad.  However, in my little world – I don’t worry about all that shite,.  My little world is great.

I shall be in Bangkok to next weekend.  Let’s see if I am overwhelmed with it all as I once was, or if I can’t wait for it to all end?








I am back… with nothing planned for the month…

I arrived back in Thailand/Hua Hin yesterday after a month away.    Nothing much to report from Iraq.  All good there.

Those nice people at Emirates upgraded me to First Class – so my month off got off to a great start.

At the airport I was not held up by a load of flag waving Chinese people and there were no smelly Indians in the fast-track queue.    I was in the car on the way to HH within 30 mins of touch-down.

Traffic was good for a Friday morning.  We didn’t crash and I didn’t see any crashes.  All good.

Bit of a relaxing afternoon and then headed out into the town. It’s only been a month so I would expect everything to be the same, and it was.   The only difference is the place is packed!   It’s good for the town, the businesses.  Lots of tourists.  Lots of old Scandos.

We sat in a bar and watched the world go by.  Where there are tourists… there are girls.  Only problem is, they are all fat and ugly old girls.  Screaming ‘weeeeeeelcome’.  It’s such a turn off.   Has that ever been attractive?

There is one bar we go to – which we know the owner of,  there is a big fat ugly girl there who insists on chatting up all the men that go in there and tries to get a drink off them.  I have repeatedly told her to naff off – and not gone in that bar if I see her there patrolling the floor.   I told the owner that she needs to be kept in a cage at the back of the bar.  Horrible ugly cow.

So all was going well until that fat cow spoiled my day.   Yes,  I am easy to upset.

After hitting another bar I soon forgot about fatso.

A month of not drinking (apart from the Champagne in 1st Class of course) I was soon pretty drunk and we headed home around 11pm.

Slight hangover this morning but nothing I can’t handle.

Nothing really planned for the month.  On a health drive.    Except for next week – heading to Bangkok to meet up with some of the chaps.

With high-season well and truly underway, I expect the bars to be full of 2-week millionaires and old bastards.   Let’s see if the ‘weeeelcooooome’ screeches are any better in Bangkok.