Typical bloody Thai…

Last night I went to Bangkok to watch Jim Jefferies stand up show. He is one of the few comedians I like these days.

I left Hua Hin around 1pm – straight to soi 4 to wait for some pals.

I had an hour to kill so went to HOOTERS – hoping I would see one of the shoe-shine people as I wanted my trainers cleaned. This is the 3rd time I have been to soi 4 now and not seen the shoe-shine people. Plenty of flowers, fake iPhones and sunglasses – but no shoe-shines. What’s the world coming to?

While in HOOTERS I had a bit of chicken which what absolute shite. They also missed off one of my orders. The service in there is really crap. The food is horrid and the drinks are way over-priced. The only reason I go in there is because of the location. Not anymore. You’d have to pay me to go in there now. Utter shite.

Off we went to Big Dogs. It’s so much better now they’ve renovated. I had a vodka and as per usual, had it served in a pathetic lady-drink tumbler. After 30 seconds it was gone – so ordered another but asked for a tall glass. When the fat ugly trog delivered the drink, it was Bacardi and coke. Even though the previous drink on the bill showed Vodka, for some reason the thick cow gave me Bacardi.

I told her I wanted Vodka. She started gobbing off saying she’d go get me a new drink but could she have the Bacardi?!! So she gets my drink wrong and then thinks I should pay for it and give it to her as some kind of reward? I told her to ram it – but one of the lads just said if you drink that – make sure you drink it on another table and stay away from us. I had to find my happy place, as I was getting mad.

Off to Siam Square to see the show. It was pretty good. He is funny. As with all Comedians, there are Hecklers. For some reason Hecklers thing they’re funny but rarely get a laugh and just embarrass themselves.

There was one girl who shouted something out at Jim – so he engaged is a bit of dialog. He asked why she wasn’t at work shooting ping-pong balls out of her box – to which she replied ‘its my night off’.

This did managed to raise a laugh… so Jim went further.. ‘What is it you do for a living’. Fair enough question. She replied ‘pay me and I will tell you’. “PAY ME”? Bloody PAY ME? I actually felt embarrassed. A theater full of expats and this Thai basically just confirmed the stereo-type of all Thai girls. ‘Pay me and I will tell you’? What on earth was she thinking?

By 10pm it was over – and back to Nana for a few drinks before going home to HH.

Forget Sickmans reports from afar that the bars are empty – the place was heaving. Couldn’t be arsed with walking all down the soi looking for a table so ducked into Melody UK (now called Golden Bar)

There was a few tables available, probably because all the staff were absolute monsters. Some were playing pool with various punters. Each time a girl potted a ball, they’d all scream. That was enough to get us to pay up and leave.

The lads went onto Soi 31 area. I called my driver and asked him to meet me 2 hours earlier than arranged. I had my fill of Bangkok/Soi 4 / Thai girls.

Whilst waiting at the entrance of Nana Carpark for my driver, I found myself surrounded my middle-eastern wankers. A group of about 6 sweaty, smelly bearded assholes. They were generally making a nuisance of themselves, not moving out the way when people were trying to walk past. They were not trying to do a ‘deal’ with some girls in Nana. It was obvious they were not making the best pitch to the girls as they kept walking away – leaving these scumbags getting more annoyed.

If I had Jonas with me – I’d have gladly picked a fight with all of them. As I was on my own and didn’t want to get anymore dirt (blood) on my shoes I just got in the car and left my woes behind.

Screw this place.

I have 2 large suitcases packed…heading to the UK soon.

Flank Bluno

‘Let me be Frank’

Is the name of the Former Heavy Weight Boxing Champion Frank Bruno’s book.   A book that big Frank signed for me last night at ‘evening with Frank’.

I am a boxing fan.  Although I must admit my interest has dropped off the last decade – when Mike Tyson lost his mojo.

I went to see Mike Tyson fight in Manchester in 2000.   It was awesome.

Last night was a different vibe.  Frank Bruno retired from boxing when he lost his Championship title to Mike Tyson 20 odd years ago.   Now, in his late 50’s,  big Frank is still a popular British sports personality and has enough interest to fill out a function room in the Intercontinental Hotel in Hua Hin in the middle of January.

Ten persons to a table… and limited to 8 tables.  A decent crowd.  Most people were holiday makers and some long term expats who I would have loved to have punched in boxing ring myself. More on that later..

To kick things off, everyone gathered in the gardens for drinks.  Big Frank arrived and worked the crowd, shaking hands and posing for photos.   I was genuinely impressed at how nice and polite he was.  Of course he is getting paid for it – but he really did put the work in.

I’m the one on the right

The night was a buffet dinner, a talk by Frank on the highlights of his career, an Auction of sporting memorabilia, a raffle and some Q&A with Frank and the guests.

Dinner was good.  It was a buffet – but it’s the Intercontinental.  Good quality and great service.  Lots of the guests were going up for second and third helpings.  I have a special place in my heart for these kinds of people.  Twats.

While Frank was sitting at his table… alone, I took the opportunity to ask him to sign a copy of his book that I have.  He did it happily.

Frank on stage.. went through a little script of his career and some of his personal struggles with Mental Health.   All of which is covered in his book in great detail.   Surprisingly,  he is pretty switched on.  And I say ‘surprisingly’ because the general public’s perception of Frank is that he is the arse end of the Pantomime horse.  That’s down to the garbage tabloid papers who dream up headlines and rubbish to sell papers.  Don’t believe he is a dummy.  He is a normal bloke and was pretty quick on his jokes.

After a drinks break – the Action started.  There were 5 pieces on offer.  All in nice display frames.

They probably wont even fit me.

Sugar Ray Leonard Shorts

Bruno signed glove.

Mike Tyson signed shorts

Glove signed by Mike Tyson & Anthony Joshua

Photo signed by some old footballers?

There is a reason the Auction is toward the end of the night – it’s so all the idiots get drunk on wine and go mad on the bidding.  Who on earth would want a pair of shorts which someone’s written their name on?   Fools.

The 1st item went for 30k…. the second for about 20k.    Then the Tyson shorts came up… 5…. 10…12…13.. then some idiot shouted out ’20 thousand’.    No more bids after that.

Then there was the Tyson & Joshua glove…  bidding kicked off at 5…7…9…12..15…20….25… then the fool who bought the shorts won the glove for 30 thousand.

Can’t remember what the Footy thing went for.  Can’t say I was interested.

Another session with Frank on the stage answering questions.   Everyone being respectful and paying attention – except for the table next to ours.  Some horrid ‘middle-eastern’ old bastard was talking to his missus.  And when I say ‘missus’.. I mean a pig ugly ladyboy who had a nose bigger than Brunos.  They were horrible and totally disrespectful.   I gave it a big ‘ssssshhhhhhhh’ and a death stare – and they finally shut their fat ugly faces.

Questions from the floor…   the usual questions came up… ‘who do you think the inspirations for kids is today’…..  ‘who was your toughest opponents’ etc…..   then it was my turn, wanting to make things a little lighter.   I asked ‘Frank, when you were in the hospital, your emotions running high and the doctors telling you to take their cocktail of drugs which you didn’t want…. Did you ever tell them ‘make me!’

Let’s face it… he’s a big fella.  I can’t see how anyone could make him do something he didn’t want to do.  But he’s not daft.  He said he had to tow the line and play their game or he’d be seen as uncooperative – which is true.   But he saw where I was coming from and did say ‘I did tell them doctors to fuck off a few times’!   – And that was the only time he swore last night.

That was the end of the night…   and he stayed around to sign the backs of the Auction items and pose for a few more photos.

Couldn’t stop him writing over everything…

It was a really good night and for a boxing fan – it was thoroughly enjoyable. 

The night started around 18:30 and we left around 22:30.

I was then left with the problem of what on earth am I going to do with the memorabilia I had just won at auction.

Only the one glove then?

This year so far….

So what’s pissing me off so far this year?

1 week in – and I am already in a fit of rage this week….

  1. Twat Thai fools on motorcycles with no lights (at night).
  2. Twat Thai fools in cars or on bikes who stop on roundabouts?!
  3. Waiters/Waitresses who take my plate away immediately after I have put my knife and fork down. (fine when if i am dining on my own)
  4. Having my Appetizer served 20 mins AFTER the main course.
  5. Getting told off by Miss Tim for complaining all the time…

Had to laugh this week… as I walked through Hua Hin high street the other night, some Indian Tailor called out to me… this is how the conversation went

Annoying Indian Tailor:   “Hey my Brother…  good suit, top quality…. how are you”?

Me: “Poke your crap clothes up your arse”

Miss Tim:  “Why do you have to be so nasty.  Just walk away and ignore them, no need to be nasty”

Me: (with an innocent look on my face) “Ignore him?  That would be rude to ignore him… after all, he is my Brother “.

“Why am I here”?  Is a question I get asked a fair bit.  It’s a good question and one I ask myself a lot.   Fact is,  I am too lazy to do anything about it right now – and to be honest, no matter where I go – I am sure it’ll have it’s fair share of assholes there too.

This week I am going to look at clearing out my wardrobes of all the clothes that I have never worn,  books that I have never read and DVD’s that I have never watched.  I seem to have accumulated a lot of crap over the last 15 years – so want to have a tidy up so I can just walk (run) away with just a couple of suitcases when I do bugger off.

Will need to figure out what to do with them bloody cats also.

Why should I care?

Meanwhile in Hua HIn.. weather has been crap.  I was heading to Pattaya but the weather there is crap too.

I’ll do Pattaya next week.  This week we’ll head to Bangkok. Wednesday to Saturday me thinks.   Hotels?  Looking online,  I see a list of hotels which can all be filtered/sorted by Price, Stars, Popularity etc… I can’t see any filters showing ‘number of Chinese and Indians’..   Now that WOULD be a useful tool.   Landmark Hotel it is then….

Carry on…..



Holiday over….back to work…

Hua Hin is currently packed.  I’ve never seen so many Scandos.  They are now outnumbering the Chinese.

The other night we avoided the town and headed to some bars which are off the beaten track – near Aums Restaurant.  (Aum used to work at the Mango with her pal Yo)

The little bars we  visted all seemed to be a shop unit with some chairs, tables, a bar and a fridge.   Sorry – but for me, they just don’t have the bar ‘feel’.  More like hanging out in someones garage.   All owned by an old expat and his young(ish) Thai wife – ‘living the dream’.

The customers I met were all of a similar type.  I got the feeling they were waiting on new faces to enter the bar – so they could tell their stories thinking I’d be impressed – thus giving them them the confirmation they were looking for, to convince themselves they are living the dream also.

Sorry,  but I am not one to play Top Trumps with.

The 1st couple I met were quick to tell me they had been living here a few years now.  They spend most of their time hanging out around the little bars on the outskirts of town (cheaper) and tell me how much they like the people and the food etc.

That’s when I tell them I have been here 15 years and am sick of all this shit.  The food isn’t that good, the Thai’s hate us and everything here is shit.

I do like to cheer people up!

One of my favorite example scenarios is asking them how many times they have seen an Ambulance – stuck in traffic?  No one giving a rats about the Ambulance with it’s lights on and going nowhere because no one lets them through.  Now imagine they are in the back of it suffering a heart attack.  Or worse – it’s on it’s way to you having suffered a heart attack.

Tourists only see the all the nice things Thailand has to offer.  Short-term expats ignore all the problems that come with living in Thailand and the long-term expats try and convince everyone they have adapted to Thai life and they embrace it.  They may even wear a little Buddha around their necks to convince you.

Let’s be honest – if you live here for more than 10 years and you accept the Thai way of life – then you’re an idiot.  You have sub-standards and hang around in crappy bars waiting for them to bring out the balloons so you can get a free feeding of deep fried shite.   Most probably the bar is called ‘Lek Bar’.

These are the people I am seeing a lot of.

One of the bar owners was trying to convince me that he was living the dream – running a bar – when in actual fact, all he had done was financed his wife’s little business and sits at a table each night drinking beer with other old cronies.

Trying to impress – the guy boasts how he came to Thailand a few years ago  to open a bar in his mid-60’s.    Yes pal, been there, done that.  Did that in Bangkok when I was 30.  What else you got?

So it’s safe to say I don’t mix well with others.    When you are a Tourist, you like mixing with residents – to gain a little of their knowledge.  I personally prefer to mix with tourists who have not yet realised that Thailand isn’t the best place on the planet and sure as shit isn’t the Land of Smiles they think it is.

Why am I being so grumpy today?  Well, apart from it pissing down with rain, last night we were at a restaurant where once again, as soon as I had put my knife and fork down, they tried to take away my plate – still with food on it.  It didn’t matter that Miss Tim was still half-way through her food.

The previous night our Appetisers arrived 30 minutes AFTER our main course?!  And just a (fake) smile and an apology.

On the way home – I had to stop on the main road as a sea of traffic was crossing.  It was my right of way and there was no traffic behind me.  The vehicles didn’t think to let the person who has right of way pass – as there was nothing behind me anyway, so they’d not have been slowed down.

And then there was the roundabout which people had stopped on to let traffic enter.  I found myself shouting at these idiots to keep moving and stop being fucking idiots.  Only to get a slap from Miss Tim for being so angry.   Does she not realise it’s twats like these who don’t know how to drive that cause accidents.   And as we know, the Ambulance will not be able to get to the scene of that accident as no drivers give way to them.

Miss Tim has a friend who saved up a bit of cash.  Not a lot… about 50k (bht).   As this is a good chunk of change to a Thai – they’d get the urge too gamble or drink it.  So she did what she thought was right and put a down payment on a car – with monthly payments for the rest of her life.

All well and good, but in the first 2 weeks of ownership she has crashed it twice.  Only minor – but still crashes.  Front a rear are dented and the car she hit was paid off with 10k.  The person she crashed into preferring to keep the money and the dents.

Why am I talking about this?  Well, her pal can’t drive.  She has never driven before.  She has no licence.  She has insurance – but I would question the validity of that – seeing as she can’t drive.   According to her, if you crash, you just give your friends name as the driver and everything is fine.   And this is how Thai’s think.

So if she runs some poor bastard (like me) over – with my spine wrapped around the rear axle, I am sure everything will be fine.  She’ll just phone a friend and her insurance will pay for my new wheelchair.

I am sure that insurance companies here could get out of 99% of their claims if they were to investigate.  Shit, in the UK, I pay 1000’s a year on vehicles which are kept in storage, have to have CCTV, fixed mileage, alarmed, tracked and big heavy chains securing them.  And have to prove all of this before they would even entertain paying out if one were stolen or exploded.

Here in Thailand.. you can walk into a showroom, put a 1000 bucks down on a new car and drive it off.  No license, no problem!

Of course, if you’re a Tourist, you’d never think about it.  If you’re a short-term expat, you’d pretend it doesn’t happen that often.  If you’re a long-term expat, you are probably paying the money for your girl to go and do the same.

I was supposed to be heading off to Pattaya this week – but it’s going to be pissing down until next week.  Which means the Ferry won’t be operating.  Of course, they’ll still take your money – but wont set sail.

No,  I’ll just sit here… and wish I was back at work with most other people.  Thailand right now, in the rain, people are assholes….  it’s shit.

Should have stayed a tourist.