Month: January 2020

I am on my travels again.  Heading to the UK via Dubai and Amsterdam.    I HATE traveling.    I hate airports and I hate the people who travel around me.

When I arrived at Swampy last night, I thought I had walked into a Surgeons convention.  99% of people were wearing face masks – which is great, as I don’t have to.  They are keeping their germs to themselves.

What on earth is it with these people? Do they not have an immune system?  Do they any idea of what the odds are of catching the virus – let alone dying from it?  I really can’t stand these people. 

I am sure the Chinese government could have stopped this (and all other) viruses from spreading in China by simply telling people that gobbing everywhere – really is a dirty fucking habit.   Whilst they’re at it, the Middle East could tell their people that it’s also fucking revolting to remove your sandals at every opportunity and put your dirty, smelly, sweaty fucking feet on chairs, tables…     Seriously.. what the fuck is wrong with people?

And if the Chinese ever do accept that spitting everywhere is fucking disgusting – maybe we could also teach them to talk instead of shout?   And that you don’t need the loud-speaker for calls made in public areas.

As a frequent traveller.. there is certain etiquette that is expected of folk.  

• Do not queue jump.  Ever.
• Fill out your immigration card BEFORE you get to immigration
• Empty your pockets BEFORE going through the X-Ray machines
• Escalators – Stand on the right.. walk on the left. 
• Travelators – you are allowed to walk.  You’ve spent god knows how many hours sitting on your lazy fucking arses – and as soon as you see a traveling floor – you stand still?
• When disembarking the plane – let the people  in front of you – out.
• Coach / Train / Plane – DO NOT watch your shitty videos on loud-speaker. Ever.
• Window seat?  Night flight?  LEAVE THE WINDOW BLIND DOWN.
• Do not go into the plane toilets wearing only socks on your feet. Or even bare feet – you revolting fucking pig.
• Do not recline your seat until the plane is up in the air.
• If you want to get out of your seat – for the toilet or whatever – DO NOT climb over me.  I will happily get up and let you out – you fucking rude twats.
• Stay in your seat until the plane has at least lowered it’s speed to under 150mph when landing.
• When getting your luggage – see that line? Stand behind it.. that way everyone else can get to their bags also.
• Airport lounge?  Old man on his way home after visiting his young bar girl.. DO NOT FACETIME her, speaking pigeon English at the top of your voice and call her Tilac.  Wanker.

There are so many of these ‘rules’ which I can honestly say that I adhere to.  So do my colleagues and friends.   But Chinese Tourists?  The Middle Eastern tourists?   Fuck no.

Traveling for me has now reached such unpleasant levels that I really want to kick off and punch people in the face.  Or face-mask.

I am now watching the news with a different interest than others.  I hope Chinese Government decides to stop all Chinese leaving China.  Ever.

Currently I am sitting in Schiphol airport.   It’s rather pleasant.   This has to be one of my favorite airports in the world.   Dubai is horrid.   This morning I walked into the Emirates Lounge – only to see a ‘Middle Eastern’ man with his finger so far up his nostril I thought he was tickling his eyeballs.  Revolting arseholes everywhere.

I am in the UK for 2 weeks – and already I am dreading the journey back to Thailand.

Apart from that.. all is good!

Another month passes…. And I am back in Thailand.    Having been in Iraq, where things are, well you could say ‘a little tense’ right now, I was looking forward to getting back here.

After one day though, the excitement has worn off.

Arriving at the airport was o.k and I was public side within 20 minutes of landing.  I decided to take the coach this time – as I feel safer inside the massive vehicle rather than the little Toyota that my driver hammers down the road – trying to avoid kamikaze bikes and trucks.

It was at the Coach counter where I got my first reminder I was back in Thailand.  

Luckily for sleeping beauty here,  I had been laying down on the flight here so I wanted to stand and stretch my little dwarf legs.   For the 10 mins I waiting nearby, I tried my hardest to muster up a fart and release it in her face. 

The Coach service is pretty good.  From the airport to HH in just over 3 hours.  About as long as it takes my driver – as he usually stops to fill his car up with gas, and his belly up with donuts.

Back in Hua Hin – we headed into town as per usual.   There is a new little bar with outside seating which looked quite nice, so we gave it a shot.  

One of our favourite pass-times is people-mocking.  Similar to people-watching, but as there are some weird people around, we tend to laugh and mock them. 

How old do you have to be to ride a bike in Thailand?   This ‘kid’ can’t be old enough surely?   He couldn’t even touch the floor when riding.  I know I struggle sometimes, but this is taking things a little far.

Why have signs up?  What’s the point? 

So the Chinese are trying to kill us all with their virus’s?    Someone asked me how it spreads, and then we saw a Chinese person gob on the floor.   I am not sure how it’s spread, but that can’t help?

Lots more people wearing face-masks now.  What I don’t understand though, is why they are wearing them on a motorcycle – when they are not wearing a helmet?   What is their thought process?  Are they thinking ‘to be on the safe-side, I’d better wear a face mask’.. and then ride off into the traffic with no crash helmet?   The amount of people I see, with a mask and no helmet is amazing.  There is no other word for it than ‘thick’.

The first night was over and we were suitably drunk.  We had to meet our Grab taxi and a secret location as they didn’t want to get their arses kicked by the local TukTuk mafia.  How dare them Grab drivers provide a safer, more reliable and cheaper way of getting you home?

Day 2 – we were invited to a party at one of Tims friends who owns a little back-street bar.  I am not a fan of these little shop house bars.  Basically just a room, miss-matching furniture and a pool table.  The last time I went there – the people playing pool were all wearing thumb-gloves.  Seriously? 

I spent half an hour talking to some big fella about how Farrangs in Thailand all think Pool their pool skills are impressing people.  I remember when it used to be about the fun.  I (still) see blokes playing pool with girls – and not talking to the girl, except for the odd “shot”..  from the other side of the table.

Wankers.

So after my 30 minute rant about how all these ‘serious’ pool players with their own cues, gloves, telescopic sights are all a bunch of losers who are missing the point of being in a bar with a bunch of Thai girls – I find out this guy is the No.1 player of the bar.   Oops.   I hope he went home and thought very seriously about what I had told him!

A relatively quiet night… so as not to be rough in the morning. I had been looking forward to not being hungover so we could go have lunch at the beach. Nothing we like more than to have spot of lunch whilst watching all the people learning how to Kite-Surf. As we know, learning means going head first into the water every 30 seconds!

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At the weekend I am off to the UK for a couple of weeks.  Can’t wait.    Some interesting stuff planned there.. more on that later.

For now,  it’s business as usual in HH.   Eat, sleep, repeat…